Partner told me he hates my kids...it's over, isn't it

[littlegecko]

I apologise as this is going to be lengthy - I just need to clear my thoughts if I'm going to get any sleep tonight. (I've name changed for this post.)

I've been with my partner for 7 years and we have a pre-school aged son together. I have two teenage children from a previous relationship.

My teenagers are pretty typical teenagers. DD can be a bit feisty and is very messy. Her bedroom is always a tip and she leaves mess wherever she goes. Generally she's a good kid - she did brilliantly in her GCSEs, has lovely friends and works weekends - and has a very likeable personality. DS1 is also exceptionally good - he never has an attitude and we have had no issues with him. He is also very bright, has good friendships and a weekend job. Again, he can be a bit messy. I would say they are a very typical teenage boy and girl. People - ie family, colleagues, friends etc always say how lovely they are.

Partner generally has nothing good to say about them. He will point out every little thing that they do and make derogatory comments about them. I understand that their mess annoys him, but instead of asking them to tidy up nicely he will say stuff like "what cunt has left this spoon here" etc. He refers to my daughter as "the tramp" or "the skank".

He also moans about what they are doing in regards to school and says they will never be anything when they are older.

I am writing this and cringing...I don't know why I have let this go on. I guess I've had my head in the sand, just hoping things would get easier.

Partner criticises my parenting all the time and says I'm too soft.

This evening, my DD had left her bag on the sofa. Partner has started slagging her off to me and saying she's disrespectful, and I said that maybe he should try acting nicer to her rather than like he hates her. He then said that he does hate her and told me everything that my kids do that annoys him.

I guess hearing it like that has reiterated what I already knew. I've told him we are finished and we are currently not talking.

Our relationship is not great. We don't have anything in common and he makes no effort to get to know my family or friends. He has no interest in anything I do. Anything I enjoy, he refers to as "shit" and "a bore-fest". In regards to his family and his hobbies, I have to take an active interest or he sulks. I find everything about him negative.

The problem I have is finances. I live in partners house (he owned it long before I came on the scene). I work in a term time job so my wage isn't great. I did a benefit calculation and with top ups could definitely afford to rent on my own - but I need to muster some money together first, and can't do that on my wage.

I am so frustrated by it all, but desperate to leave asap. There's no way I can continue to pretend that everything is okay but don't know how the hell I can ever afford to move out.

Sorry for long post, any advice would be very welcome. Also, I am aware that I have subjected my two eldest to damaging behaviour and am expecting some criticism. They always just say "well that's what he's like" and don't seem too affected, but I know deep down that it must get them down. It gets me down enough being caught in the middle, so I know it's probably worse for them being on the receiving end.

[Pollywollydolly]

Definitely talk to your council. They may do a homebond scheme where they guarantee the deposit to your landlord and then give you a Discretionary Housing Payment to cover the 'rent in advance' part of the deposit. You are likely to have to leave and be accepted as homeless to access this type of help. CAB may be able to advise as well.

[lovelookslikethis]

Truly shocking. Honestly made me feel sick reading your post. Do what you need to do to leave immediately. Get some counselling for your children. Don’t look back. It doesn’t get much worse than this in terms of damage and abuse. Be strong now, make a stand now.

[differentnameforthis]

We didn't live together until youngest son was born - and that's when the issues started, he was initially very tolerant of my two until they lived under his roof. He wasn't tolerant of them, he just hid it until he had you trapped with nowhere to go...no point showing you his true colours before he lured you in, hey?

I don't know if he is abusing you in anyway, you haven't said...but he is abusing your children and perhaps, in a subconscious way, you are just glad it isn't you on the end of it this time? I am not saying that to hurt you, but women from abusive relationships can (don't always) overlook this type of stuff because "it isn't as bad as what I went through" or "he's good to me" etc. I hope that makes sense and says what I intend, it is in no way to judge or hurt you. Just that our mind plays tricks on us, and makes us accept things we wouldn't normally.

[Monty27]

Get your kids and yourself away from that moron

[gingersausage]

Don’t be a twat @SwordofGryffindor. “Baby-daddy” makes you sound like a 12 year old, and plenty of sensible women have had pill failures. The only truly failsafe contraceptive is celibacy.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It is good you’ve finally come to this conclusion. You have 3 damaged children. It’s going to be very hard therefore there is little point to beating yourself up for what you could or should have done. You are at this point now. And you’re now going to need deal with it.

I was on a thread yesterday where many women said they stayed with their rapist, some even married them and / or went on to have children with them. Your situation and their situation is similar in that you have stayed with your / your children’s abuser in a way, which is difficult for others to grasp.

I imagine you have been spent a fair amount of time in fight / fright / freeze / flop / friend.

[HaileySherman]

OP you are in an abusive relationship if you haven't realized that. Your children are being abused and are being strong for you, which as lovely as they sound, you KNOW that's not right. Can you seek support somewhere with respect to getting out? You're a good candidate for help, as you can afford rent, you're abused, your children are abused/at risk. You really just need help with the deposit. Good luck. You need to get your children out of this situation and reestablish yourself to them as someone who will protect and support them, rather than the other way around.

[Shoxfordian]

Speak to your family and see if they can help you. Apologise to your children for putting a nasty abusive man above them for all this time as well.

[cardamoncoffee]

OP from a SS perspective your dc are not at risk of but are actually suffering emotional harm and you have enabled it. You need to speak to WA and make this your line of argument. Even if they have space in a local refuge it is better than living with this vile creature. Please, please do the Freedom programme a pp linked to. The first time this 'man' referred to your child as a cunt/skank should have been the last.

[feistymumma]

I am speechless, he calls your children what? What an asshole, please call the council and see if they can help.

[sunnybeachtime]

You sound lovely OP.

You have a great life waiting for you once you leave! You've made mistakes but who hasn't as a parent? You sound like a great, caring Mum and I bet your children have turned out so well because of you being a constant safe person in their lives.

You are doing the right thing. Tell your family, get out and start enjoying your negative-tosser free life!

Good luck

[IHeartKingThistle]

You could have edited that whole post down to 'he refers to my daughter as a tramp and a skank' and this thread would still have told you to LTB. Christ, what a dick. You all deserve better.

[Fabulousdahlink]

Your teens already know. Your preschooler will be fine , you are his world. If you are there, he will be fine.
I wont berate you for staying like others have. You know the relationship is toxic and gone. Moving out is terrifying going into the unknowm takes courage you dont think you have. Being single is scarey. Finanxially not knowing what help os out there is gut twisting. But from someone on the other side of it....you"ve got this. Its the hardest thing to do. But you can do it. And your lives will change considerably in the short term...and be better in the long term. Please be kind to yourself, do what you can before you leave and take the help offered when you do leave. You can do it. Good luck x

[Welliesandpyjamas]

OP, it’s all been said in the thread already. Just adding my support and sending you strength to do the right thing. You can do it and it will all be ok when you and your 3 dc are away from his disgusting behaviour.

[FattyPeddledFuriously999]

Well done for finally seeing the light and taking action OP .

Ask about getting a 'discretionary loan' if you do get benefits. Definitely swallow your pride and get support from family, they will probably be as horrified as we are that he uses such nasty language towards your children. You are their protective factor, start protecting asap. They will be impacted by it, it can manifest years later. Typically your daughter may go into abusive relationships herself when she is an adult and think this is normal, this is how it is (sounds like she is already thinking that). Your son may end up in relationships where he thinks it is acceptable to be like this towards women and children. Leave asap and let them see you take positive action, let them see you saying no this is not okay and it is not acceptable at all.
Stay strong

[Closetbeanmuncher]

It's time to get over any embarrassment you might feel and ask your friends and family for help with a rental.

The council won't "help" you unless you're homeless and there's even a waiting list for that. Any waiting and paperwork filling will just give you stalling time and you will end up staying there. The names he calls your kids and the way he treats them should give you enough of a clue that he hates them without him spelling it out.

Stop dicking about, borrow the money and rent somewhere OP. No stalling, no excuses, just get it sorted.

[Projectbanjo]

Your making the right choice putting your kids first and even if it’s long overdue they will still be grateful you got them out of they situation.
I just hope they don’t feel resentment towards the child you and your partner (ex hopefully now) have together. It can be conflicting to love your sibling but see them have the happy family life with a supportive father that they just don’t get. Make a point of treating all three equally loved and keep a good balance for them.

[sheshootssheimplores]

I would take my kids out to lunch and tell them you know the situation in untenable. That he’s a nasty bastard and you’re going to do everything you can to get them the he’ll out of there.

[SaraNade]

He calls your daughter a skank? And uses words like c*nt? Wow. How could you allow him to say it just once? And to even breed with a monster like him? What... why??? I am just....speechless that you would allow a man to disrespect, bully and abuse your own flesh and blood like that. How could you, even once? Your children now know that you will choose a man over their welfare, and subject them to that abuse. 7 years? That is just parental neglect and providing an unsafe environment. I don't have much advice to give, except go stay with your parents with your children. A friend. A relative. Heck, rent a pub room. Do it NOW! Don't wait til you've 'sorted finances out'. Your children are being abused my a man who resents their mere presence in his life. Don't use excuses, get out TODAY. Put your children first. For once. And then make deep apologies to them for choosing him over them and letting them feel second place and feeling hated and unwanted. No excuses. Rent a hovel. Who cares. Just get out TODAY.

[chipsandgin]

I have a mother who prioritised her relationship with a man like him, who clearly didn’t like us (& I’m now 48 & left home 32 years ago because of him. I’ve never forgiven her).

She didn’t care as much as you clearly do & I think you have time to save this whereas she burnt her bridges a long time ago choosing him over us. The fact you’ve woken up to it and are going to leave is amazing, please see it through & good luck

[tribpot]

there are people I could ask for help. I'm too embarrased to ask
You'd rather subject your children to language like 'skank' and 'cunt' and living with someone who hates them, than take a little embarrassment and ask for help to get out?

The long you leave this, the more chance your teens will perceive your actions as being to protect your younger child, after they had their entire childhood blighted as a result of your poor choices.

[Strawberrycreamsundae]

So your children have suffered a further 12 months of abuse since your last post but you've done nothing?
I don't know what is needed for you to actually do something OP, but the impact on your DCs is going to be lifelong and increase the longer you stay.
Just what has to happen before you leave this abusive twat?

[LittleCandle]

I'm in Scotland, so it might be different in England, but my XH was given a deposit by the council for a flat after his latest wife threw him out. He had been living abroad with her and had no money. As an emergency measure, they helped him out with the deposit for a private rent. Its always worth asking.

[Dutchoma]

One of the things I never see mentioned here is the Credit Union. I volunteered for them for a while, it’s a little while ago but as far as I remember you could save with them for some time (six months?) and then borrow from them at very low interest rates.
Maybe this could be useful if you need a deposit to rent accommodation?