Would you suspect something?

[CheezePlant]

Have had a difficult few months with my DH who has seemed very distant from me. I've asked him a few times if there's someone else and he's got very angry with me (one time he got so angry that he bashed a piece of furniture and damaged it- I just like to say that there is NOT a chance that he would do that to me and I don't feel scared or threatened by him.)

But he constantly on his phone. If I look on WhatsApp I can see that he's either online or very very recently online. Occasionally I'll ask him who he's messaging and it'll be "the lads" or a member of his family.

I don't want to look at his phone as that would make me look like a twat wouldn't it. Give him the upper hand.

Last night he was sat in a really stupid spot in the house in his phone and I could see he was on WhatsApp. I could see that he was deleting a chat but couldn't read who the person was or even the chat as it was the reflection I could see and too far away.

When we went to bed he was in the bathroom with his phone and I could see he was online again.

I asked him who he'd been chatting to this evening (which makes me feel like a horrible controlling wife checking up on him!) and he snapped at me that it was his two work colleagues and "did I want to see?!"

Obviously, I saw him deleting a chat (fairly sure I did anyway - I didn't have a clear view) so anything incriminating wouldn't have been there would it?

I don't really know what to do...

Does sound suspicious, if you’re really convinced there’s something going on I’d check his phone when he’s asleep.

Of course he said you could look when he deleted the incriminating evidence

I think it sounds suspicious
Why is he deleting chats
And getting angry.

He's hiding something and is trying to turn it on you for being 'suspicious & not trusting him'.
Stop asking him about it and do some digging behind the scenes.

Does he go out a lot with the lads? Does he get dressed up?

Don't want to check his phone as I really don't want to be faced with it. I'd rather he just be honest with me. Do people really lie to their wives over and over again???

He doesn't get dressed to or go out a lot with the lads no

He's not going to be honest about anything if he's up to no good!
Does he keep his phone with him constantly?

Is he playing on-line games?!!!
(Hopeful!)

He doesn't play online games no. He's on WhatsApp or looking at twitter etc.

I will say he's told me in the past that he deletes conversations on WhatsApp so it doesn't clog up his phone and keeps stuff tidy. He's quite methodical and organised like that - I guess in the same way that people delete emails that they don't need.

It could be that he's in some forum /WhatsApp group and is reading stuff and commenting. He might be telling the truth re. WhatsApp if he has a group of friends who post stuff. I'm always on WhatApp, MN and FB tapping away! 😳

How can you tell if someone is online on WhatsApp?

Could you approach it by saying that you're worried that you aren't communicating well and you 'd like to suggest a couple of nights a week as 'gadget free' nights, so you could talk or even watch TV together?

His reaction should tell you a lot.

Yes you should be worried. This is all typical behaviour of a person messaging someone else and trying to hide it.
Has his behaviour changed towards you e.g. becoming more distant and short tempered?

@CloudyWithAChance2 yes he's definitely more distant and short tempered.

I can tell someone is online on WhatsApp because the app tells you.

But last night I could see he was messaging someone and then deleting the chat. I couldn't read it to see who it was though.

He doesn't talk about anyone in particular though so no idea who it would be if he were to be messaging someone...

I'm really sorry you're experiencing this OP.
My ex would do the same. Deleted all chats and emails and gave exactly the same reasoning.
He was always on WhatsApp.
I hate to say this but I exposed him as a prolific cheat.
I hope that's not the case in your situation but listen to your instincts, don't ignore them.

@SLR1982 how did you expose him?

I'd be gobsmacked if my DH was a prolific cheat. But I wouldn't put it past ANYONE to get close to another person when they feel they're not getting their needs met in a relationship- that could be what's happened here I suppose!

Sorry to hear that. It’s a really difficult situation as you stand no chance versus the new woman in his mind as she is new and he is feeling excited by it etc. So unless it can be exposed you be in this constant battle of him being like this and you feeling increasingly isolated.

I don't think there is any possible way it could not be suspicious. The fact he is getting angry to the point of violence when you ask him, surely you can see this is not normal? Would it be possible to sit down calmly and talk to him, just let him know how worried you are, how unusual his behaviour is and ask him to explain why and why his texting behaviour has changed so much?

I have sat him down and spoken to him. He point blank denies it.

If someone accused you of being unfaithful and you weren't though I could imagine that would also make you feel very angry? I feel like if you were actually being unfaithful you'd be a bit more manipulative in your response? I don't know...

Would be interested to hear from the experience of others. Either way it's really shit to feel so cut off and isolated from him.

I’ll give you the benefit of my experience having been in your husband’s position.
I was never found out, but I 100% would’ve lied to my wife’s face at the time because I felt totally infatuated with the other woman.
People won’t admit to anything unless they’re caught red handed, and even then they will only admit to the level they’ve been found out at e.g. get caught kissing and you admit to just kissing despite the fact you’ve been fucking for months.

"I’ll give you the benefit of my experience having been in your husband’s position.
I was never found out, but I 100% would’ve lied to my wife’s face at the time because I felt totally infatuated with the other woman.
People won’t admit to anything unless they’re caught red handed, and even then they will only admit to the level they’ve been found out at e.g. get caught kissing and you admit to just kissing despite the fact you’ve been fucking for months."

This.. from the poster above... Ironically my ex said words along those lines "I would have to SEE my partner having sex with someone else to believe it WAS happening"

Little did I realise I was being primed to tow the line and question none of his shadiness...

@CloudyWithAChance2 why would you have lied? Why not tell the truth? Because you wanted your marriage to continue?

My DH goes nowhere other than work and home so I doubt it's gone any further - what Im looking at here is merely messaging. But it's not "merely messaging" if it's a secret from me! That's when it becomes dangerous territory

I didn't mean sit him down and accuse him of cheating! I meant to talk about why his behaviour has changed so much and to let him know it's upsetting you, open communication channels. If you've already accused him of cheating then that ship has probably sailed. And actually if my DH was so upset with my behaviour that he thought I was cheating I most definitely wouldn't get angry if I wasn't. I'd be as reassuring as I could be, explain who I was talking to etc. He's being angry because he has something to hide

This is a tricky one OP. I will say that my DH went through a similar moody, not wanting to talk, always on his phone phase and I suspected the worst. It turned out he was having a particularly hard time at work, didn't want to 'burden' me by talking about it, and all the time on his phone he was looking for a new job or on his work mates WhatsApp group talking about how shit it was at the time.

We know each others phone passwords so I, shamefully, looked while he was in the shower and instantly felt the most horrific guilt. I still feel guilty a year later. I managed to get him to open up about it without letting on that I looked at his phone, by just saying I had noticed he's not quite been himself. Obviously when he started apologising for being a 'moody bastard' I felt even worse.

I think you're just going to have to look OP. It will either confirm the worst or, as in my case, point you towards the real reason for his change in behaviour.

Good luck.