Would you suspect something?

[CheezePlant]

Have had a difficult few months with my DH who has seemed very distant from me. I've asked him a few times if there's someone else and he's got very angry with me (one time he got so angry that he bashed a piece of furniture and damaged it- I just like to say that there is NOT a chance that he would do that to me and I don't feel scared or threatened by him.)

But he constantly on his phone. If I look on WhatsApp I can see that he's either online or very very recently online. Occasionally I'll ask him who he's messaging and it'll be "the lads" or a member of his family.

I don't want to look at his phone as that would make me look like a twat wouldn't it. Give him the upper hand.

Last night he was sat in a really stupid spot in the house in his phone and I could see he was on WhatsApp. I could see that he was deleting a chat but couldn't read who the person was or even the chat as it was the reflection I could see and too far away.

When we went to bed he was in the bathroom with his phone and I could see he was online again.

I asked him who he'd been chatting to this evening (which makes me feel like a horrible controlling wife checking up on him!) and he snapped at me that it was his two work colleagues and "did I want to see?!"

Obviously, I saw him deleting a chat (fairly sure I did anyway - I didn't have a clear view) so anything incriminating wouldn't have been there would it?

I don't really know what to do...

You need to look at his phone. I was suspicious about my now ExH phone activities. It was exactly as I suspected.

I threw his phone out of the bedroom window, onto the road where it was run over by a car. Justice done.

It does look dodgy from my experience but if he always deletes messages from everyone that could be an explanation. But the getting angry is also suspicious

Yes they will lie to your face even about stupid stuff unless presented with evidence

My partner had an emotional affair with a girl at work that I had no idea existed. She was never ever mentioned. They met up at lunch breaks and communicated via staff intranet messaging.

I suspect my STBEXH had at least an emotional affair with a woman from work. I found messages that were not bad but a bit over familiar. Then I asked to see his phone and he handed it over.....after he'd been to the toilet with it. Forgot about the logs though which showed over 40 messages between them, all deleted. Looking back, he definitely had mentionitis before that. Afterwards he never mentioned her again which I found weird. Before he talked a lot about her life, she had certainly confided a lot of personal details about her life. After we split he must have forgotten he had never told me she had told him she liked him and he was flattered by the attention. I'll never know but there were small signs. Working a bit late. Phone was always glued to his hand and I noticed he'd changed the passcode. He walked in the room once when I had it in my hand and he wasn't happy. And he never got angry usually.

I was a bit of a naive mug really.

What does your gut say?

I’d start talking to him more often about the bugging and spying that goes on via these apps, and how info is sometimes leaked between users of the same WiFi spot. Would potentially stop him texting like a ferret but not resolve the underlying issue. Is it another woman or man? Organised crime? Huge barny with someone? In my experience an unduly angry relative is a depressed / anxious one underneath. He needs help.

This sounds similar to what I am going through with DH.

He became very close to a (pretty, young female) colleague. Told me again and again and again that nothing was going on, blamed my jealousy and trust issues, made me feel like I was going mad. One day when I was supposed to be at work he brought her back to our house. I didn't catch them doing anything unfortunately as I was too stunned to think sensibly and go and hide somewhere to see what he did next!

Eventually he admitted to having feelings for her (also told me the reason our sex life had improved so much was because he was thinking about her!) but they maintain that nothing has ever happened between them. As far as I know, nothing has changed. He's still lusting after her, she's still far too young and attractive for him. He's still making a fool of himself.

He never mentioned her. Ever.

If he’s shouting when you ask him about it there really is something going on, especially taking his phone to the bathroom sorry. I think you need to check his phone.

I agree with some of the other PP. What is your gut instinct?

This time last year I was in a similar position. I eventually caught him out and immediately left him. He had been on Whatsapp conducting the affair, deleting all the messages each day, but got careless. The day I found out was a mixture of shock and elation to know I was NOT crazy as he had been making me out to be. My gut instinct had been correct all along. He flat out denied it and also lied to his parents.

With regards to the OW he hadn't mentioned her at all until the first incident when I found she had been messaging him (a year earlier to when I found out), then it was all defensiveness and 'she's just a friend' 'are you saying I can't have friends' 'you have male friends and I don't complain'...Well yes, I do have male friends, but as one of the PP said, I would never have had an issue if he wanted to look at my phone. I had nothing to hide at all. He had female friends at work and in all the years we were together I had never felt suspicious at all. It just wasn't on my radar until the OW came along. When they get so explosively reactive and defensive, it is 99% guaranteed they are hiding something/cheating. Occam's Razor and all that.

Believe me, the lies come out in the end. The emotional abuse and gaslighting he put me through was just awful, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

For those PP who do cheat, why on earth do you not leave the relationship you are in by being honest with your partner/spouse? Set them free to go forward and rebuild their lives rather than disrespecting them.

I would seriously try to look at his phone and also check his facebook messenger. I say this as a dad at my daughter's school has been messaging me recently on fb, which started out to invite my husband to an event, but then he would make inappropriate 'jokes'. I talk to his wife so at first just thought it was his sense of humour, as who would do that if you had "bad intentions" so close to home?? I told my husband about it every time he messaged but then found out the man had kept our conversations a secret from his wife and I said "well just tell her, nothing to hide" and he said he can't. Anyway I told him to stop messaging as I feel uncomfortable and not sure his jokes were actual jokes, and I was talking to him as a friend/school parent, with no flirting involved (he had asked if i was flirting a bit!!) and he apologised. But I do wonder who else he is messaging and whether it has gone further.
So definitely check if you can, but I understand it's hard if he keeps his phone nearby and deletes conversations. Do you know his icloud details, to check that way a few times if you get a chance before he deletes? I think if you have suspicions you have every right to check. Good luck!

Do people really lie to their wives over and over again???
Hell yeah - of course they do.
They will swear on the kids lives and all sorts.

My ExH never mentioned the OW name.
I just knew something was off and eventually found out for sure.

Do you have DC together?
If not then this is a no-brainer OP.
I think you need some space away from to think things through.
This is basically following the cheaters script.

@girlsgonetame why do you not feel you deserve better than this? Your husband is thinking of someone else and getting turned on during sex and that's okay?

Yes they do lie to their wives over and over again and will only admit to anything when you have proof and will then minimise and twist it to be somebody else’s fault usually the wife’s

Someone else night know more about this, but if you go on his WhatsApp settings and then storage usage, you can see a list of everyone he has been whatsapping even if deleted?

@fandabbyfannyflutters
I was thinking the same as the message you posted. Why put up with it.

@girlsgonetame

Was it you who caught her getting cups out of your cupboard to make some tea? Where she gave him a lift home?
why do you not feel you deserve better than this? Your husband is thinking of someone else and getting turned on during sex and that's okay?

This brings back too many memories for me I had the same issue I was married for 5 years together for 16, then the constant phone has started, even changed "normal" seat on the sofa to sit where I couldn't see his phone, constantly online on whatsapp or recently online. Then I found out he'd been chatting to women on dating sites then exchanging numbers, talking on WhatsApp and meeting up. I suppose I did it the wrong way as I'd wondered for a couple of weeks then decided to ask but got myself in a state then wrestled for his phone. But my suspicions were right. I'm not saying every case is the same but I'm a believer in trusting my gut. I hope all works out for you, but keep your wits about you and stay strong x

My (ex) husband also "never went out" and I thought, just worked and came out. Cheats have a very good way of deceiving people. I even remember finding my husbands wedding ring in the car and thinking oh what's that there for, asked him, and he said his finger had been itching so he took it off 🤦‍♀️ never again will I be so naive in a relationship