Would you suspect something?

[CheezePlant]

Have had a difficult few months with my DH who has seemed very distant from me. I've asked him a few times if there's someone else and he's got very angry with me (one time he got so angry that he bashed a piece of furniture and damaged it- I just like to say that there is NOT a chance that he would do that to me and I don't feel scared or threatened by him.)

But he constantly on his phone. If I look on WhatsApp I can see that he's either online or very very recently online. Occasionally I'll ask him who he's messaging and it'll be "the lads" or a member of his family.

I don't want to look at his phone as that would make me look like a twat wouldn't it. Give him the upper hand.

Last night he was sat in a really stupid spot in the house in his phone and I could see he was on WhatsApp. I could see that he was deleting a chat but couldn't read who the person was or even the chat as it was the reflection I could see and too far away.

When we went to bed he was in the bathroom with his phone and I could see he was online again.

I asked him who he'd been chatting to this evening (which makes me feel like a horrible controlling wife checking up on him!) and he snapped at me that it was his two work colleagues and "did I want to see?!"

Obviously, I saw him deleting a chat (fairly sure I did anyway - I didn't have a clear view) so anything incriminating wouldn't have been there would it?

I don't really know what to do...

Sorry to say it but you could have been describing my husband when he was having an affair. I didn't think he would ever do it especially suffering from severe anxiety! He was always messaging on his phone and it was glued to his hand. He also got extremely angry when I asked him if he was having an affair and had violent outbursts/short tempered. It was like living in Invasion of the Body Snatchers! Funnily enough he can't believe he was like it either as we are still together 3 years later.

My advice is to keep a very close eye on him. Ask to use his phone. Say that yours isn't working and you need to look something up, you'll know if he is up to no good if he refuses to show it to you. Mine refused and stupidly I didn't push and took his bollocks excuse about invasion of privacy!!! Any normal husband/wife not having an affair would happily hand over their phone. Best of luck. X

@cccameron I didn't accuse him. I have asked him why he's on his phone so much and would he always be honest with me if someone else has got in his head

My DH goes nowhere other than work and home so I doubt it's gone any further

I used to work somewhere where affairs with colleagues were rife. It's very easy to use excuses of working late, meetings, conferences etc and to have long lunches and use flexi and annual leave. If people want to find the time, they will.

why would you have lied? Why not tell the truth? Because you wanted your marriage to continue?

Yes, because we want our cake and eat it etc and it’s a last resort for anyone to leave a wife and kids into the unknown of a new partner.
Nobody wants to be the person caught cheating - it’s better to end things on your own terms.

Hi @CheezePlant
It was a long drawn out process over about 3 years. There were just tells in his behaviour like him saying "I've already told you this!" When he hadn't and little details in his stories that changed etc.
I eventually came across a picture of him on social media with someone else...and it all unfolded from there.
If you feel something is off, it probably is. Don't ignore it as it will drive you to distraction and confusion. It did me. He kept telling me that it was all in my head and I was seeing things that weren't there....he was very convincing.
I had to have counselling to undo all the confusion and put myself back together again.
Take a deep breath and keep being logical.
Good luck x

I always think the biggest tell (phone behaviour aside) is behaviour change.
Trust your gut. My wife knew straight away that something was up and would ask me all the time “who is your mind with?”

People don’t just change their behaviour and start becoming emotionally detached for no reason. It’s nearly always because of feelings for another man or woman.

My DH was also having an affair with an OW from work and rarely had nights out. The meet ups were generally during the day or straight after work so it didn't look unusual. People in affairs are greedy and feel entitled to do what they do because they persuade themselves that they are justified because we (the cheated on partner) hasn't fulfilled their needs adequately. Arseholes.

Alternatively, he could be telling the truth! You've already said he's very methodical - he could well be doing a tidy up of the chats. I also hate the way they all stack up and regularly delete threads so that I've only got the recent ones. I think it's a habit from the "good old days" when you couldn't save texts as your run out of space!

I wonder what's going on in your relationship that your initial thought is if he's carrying on with someone else, though. Have you chatted to him about emotional distance or disconnect?

I wouldn't jump to conclusions. If he's innocent and you're snooping because you don't trust him, all hell feel is watched and not trusted and that'll break your relationship down further.

Excuse typos! Ruddy phones.......

What about tackling this from another angle? Tell him you feel distant and you want to work on reconnecting with him and revitalising your relationship. Ask if he will join you in a no phone rule in the evenings where you both put them in another room while you chat over a glass of wine/do a jigsaw together/watch something you both enjoy. If he refuses then does it really matter whether he's cheating?

Good to hear a perspective from @CloudyWithAChance2

Honest insight.

Can I ask if you and your dw are happy now?

Being on his phone all the time, deleting chats, using it in the bathroom....sorry op it doesn’t look good.

If my DH asked to look at my phone I’d have zero problems with it and I don’t delete messages on WhatsApp or texts. Same with DH if I wanted to look at his. Sometimes my phone will go off and I’ll ask him to see who messaged me if I’m in the bath.

Can I ask if you and your dw are happy now?

I would describe us as a happy family. As for our relationship, I would say it’s similar to the majority of the people I meet who have been together for 10+ years - the spark/chemistry has gone, sex life is minimal etc. but you keep shit together for the family.
I’m a realist and believe all people in this scenario are at risk of having affairs - it’s all about opportunity and circumstance.

It does sound suspicious. His reaction confirms this. Why is he constantly online and also online in the bathroom.
As for the deleting chats, honestly sounds like he is up to something.
My dh phone is currently lying next to me whilst he is busy fixing something. If I had to ask to use his phone he wouldnt even think twice or anything of it.

Cloudy, do you think your wife has cheated too? Would you be hurt by this or see it as a “Oh well, I did it”?

Cloudy, do you think your wife has cheated too? Would you be hurt by this or see it as a “Oh well, I did it”?

I would be pretty certain that she hasn’t just because I believe I would spot the signs.
There is no serious emotional attachment between us anymore so it would be impossible for either of us to spot an obvious detachment but I would recognise the distance and behaviour changes.

As for my feelings, it’s hard to say, but we would definitely go our separate ways.
I know I wouldn’t be heartbroken.

Not to make light of the situation, but a friend of ours planned a surprise big birthday party abroad. It took 6 months of planning using Watsapp to communicate.
When it got nearer to the event there were a lot of secret messages.
I do hope it’s something similar. 💐

The party was for his wife!

Nobody wants to be the person caught cheating - it’s better to end things on your own terms.

Completely.

I'm cheating and I would deny it if challenged, I don't want the relationship to end on those terms.

He's silly to have an affair on WhatsApp tho, it's too easy to tell he's on it.

From my experience and talking to others in the same situation, if you're not having sex with your spouse, someone is or will be.

@Notallitseemstobe so would you make your spouse seem like they were mad and shout at them rather than admitting the truth?

There are some fucking lovely people in this world aren't there...

Come on Cheeze don’t be so naive.
Yes it’s awful but people who cheat are willing to do far worse than that to cover their asses.

Not naive @CloudyWithAChance2 - it's called being a decent person and not a massive arsehole. I guess some people are happy with being arseholes though

You are being naive because your incredulous that your bloke would lie to your face.
I’m just trying to help you and give you a different perspective.

@Notallitseemstobe

100% agree

Ignore the pilers on, you're right

I think if he was secretly messaging someone he would use a secret app or hide his last seen? If he isn't doing that, he probably doesn't have anything to hide. He's maybe joined a group and got caught up in it or something. When you asked him about it, what did he actually say? Did he have an explanation at all?