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Original poster

Would you suspect something?

118 replies

CheezePlant · 24/08/2019 09:38

Have had a difficult few months with my DH who has seemed very distant from me. I've asked him a few times if there's someone else and he's got very angry with me (one time he got so angry that he bashed a piece of furniture and damaged it- I just like to say that there is NOT a chance that he would do that to me and I don't feel scared or threatened by him.)

But he constantly on his phone. If I look on WhatsApp I can see that he's either online or very very recently online. Occasionally I'll ask him who he's messaging and it'll be "the lads" or a member of his family.

I don't want to look at his phone as that would make me look like a twat wouldn't it. Give him the upper hand.

Last night he was sat in a really stupid spot in the house in his phone and I could see he was on WhatsApp. I could see that he was deleting a chat but couldn't read who the person was or even the chat as it was the reflection I could see and too far away.

When we went to bed he was in the bathroom with his phone and I could see he was online again.

I asked him who he'd been chatting to this evening (which makes me feel like a horrible controlling wife checking up on him!) and he snapped at me that it was his two work colleagues and "did I want to see?!"

Obviously, I saw him deleting a chat (fairly sure I did anyway - I didn't have a clear view) so anything incriminating wouldn't have been there would it?

I don't really know what to do...

OP posts:
supercali77 · 25/08/2019 08:46

@CheezePlant people have done it on mumsnet before. Checked at night. 90% of the time their suspicions are confirmed. I feel like you dont want to know the truth? Either way. What you can do....if you can get his phone at some point. Is open whatsapp web. Log into it using his whatsapp (you just point the phone at the webpage and it logs you in) after that, any time his phone is within distance of your computer and you have whatsappweb open, you can see any convos happening live....before he has a chance to delete them

supercali77 · 25/08/2019 08:49

Explicit instructions
Open WhatsApp web on your computer browser
Open WhatsApp on his phone
On his phone go to settings (top right) -> whatsapp web
You'll see instructions on his whatsapp for logging into it on your browser. Follow them

It only works if his phone is within a certain distance of your computer I think. So, in the house.

supercali77 · 25/08/2019 08:51

You dont have to keep logging into it. You do it once and that's it. Sometimes itll throw an error say if the phone is switched off etc. But generally its reliable

TripleSeptic · 25/08/2019 08:59

I didn't ever do the Twitter thing, so I don't know much about it, but I worked with a woman who used the private messaging bit to have an affair with a man we worked with.

Do you have kids? I am on my phone constantly because the child monopolises the tv. Not having an affair.

In my experience, your instincts are usually right ❤

Treacletoots · 25/08/2019 09:10

You don't need to find proof to LTB. You know he's up to something and he's being an arsehole to you. That's enough for me.

Appreciate you need proof for your own sanity but his behaviour right now is enough to tell him to fuck himself.

Sorry OP. Google relationship 180. It may help you deal with this.

Alloftit · 25/08/2019 09:41

It doesn’t look good at all OP. Sorry. To be honest tho, do you really want to be with a man who is closed off emotionally from you, who shouts and screams at you, who smashes items up when he’s angry etc even if he wasn’t having an affair?

beccarocksbaby · 25/08/2019 09:59

To use WhatsApp web you just both need to be connected to the internet. I use it when I've left my phone at work (20 mins away) all the time.

When husband and I have swapped phones cause his was dead or charging I've been able to use it when he's in the next town with my phone.

beccarocksbaby · 25/08/2019 10:01

Dual messenger for iPhone clones it to your phone using the same platform as well.

rainbowstardrops · 25/08/2019 10:04

It certainly looks a bit dodgy. If he's denied anything is going on then I suppose you'll either have to sit and wait to see if anything comes to light or just call it a day.

Original poster
CheezePlant · 26/08/2019 09:40

Those of you who's OH's had affairs (either emotional or physical) did they mention the other person a lot in conversation or never mention them at all so you actually had no idea they existed until you found out?

OP posts:
Superted8710 · 26/08/2019 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

beccarocksbaby · 26/08/2019 10:01

Those of you who's OH's had affairs (either emotional or physical) did they mention the other person a lot in conversation or never mention them at all so you actually had no idea they existed until you found out?

She was mentioned initially when he first started talking, she had been served divorce papers by her NEH and was upset at work one day, he saw her crying and she text him to apologise for him "having to see her that way" 🤔 and he felt he should support her. I even sent him an article on supporting a friend though divorce. Before that she was a non entity. She soon never got mentioned though.

Gemma1971 · 26/08/2019 10:02

"I'm 32 years old I'm due to get married next year. Being busy year as you would expect. I'm having an affair with an older woman she is 49. We both agree that's its just bit of fun we like being in each other company. But lately I can't stop thinking about her I'm quite attracted to her. I know what I'm doing is not right . But she offers me more and is more open minded than what my wife to be is. I want to continue the affair but I don't know what to do."

Won't take the moral high ground, but unless your fiancee has agreed to polyamory then you really need to take a good look at yourself and ask yourself why you want to get married.

If your fiancee has no idea this is happening, then you need to call off the wedding. You are clearly marrying the wrong person and/or are not ready to get married/not the marrying type. End your engagement kindly and gently now and get to know yourself. Too many people get married far too quickly. You're also exposing your fiancee to STDs.

Fear of being alone drives a lot of people to marry and then realise they never really wanted marriage. It means forsaking all others. If you can't keep your dingaling in your pants at this point, then you never will. Your fiancee is not the woman for you. Man up and tell her you can't marry her and she needs to get checked out for STDs.

beccarocksbaby · 26/08/2019 10:03

@Superted8710 a lot of women can relate to being strung along and married by a man who has no sense of decency yes.

If you're not committed to your girlfriend, which you're clearly not, then do her a favour, the actual decent thing, and don't marry her.

Or stop trolling on a thread by someone who is devastated at their partner potentially having an affair. Who in their right mind thinks that's appropriate?

Gemma1971 · 26/08/2019 10:04

"Those of you who's OH's had affairs (either emotional or physical) did they mention the other person a lot in conversation or never mention them at all so you actually had no idea they existed until you found out?"

Ex brought one of the other women up when he was drunk. Many of them do that.

Bembridge124 · 26/08/2019 10:05

I was in this position. He was having an affair. Pure and simple

Gemma1971 · 26/08/2019 10:06

Someone just mentioned about Superted trolling. Good point. Actually he is hijacking, what he has to say in no way helps the OP or contributes to the thread. I should delete my reply to him. And he should either be helpful or start a new thread.

MancaroniCheese · 26/08/2019 10:31

Cheeze I was just about to suggest the whatsapp web thing that has been suggested above. I use it all the time, even when I left my phone in my office 25 miles away, so long as it is connected to the internet it will work.

You only need access to his phone for a few seconds and then next time he is on the sofa what sapping you can be on your laptop watching the whole conversation.

I'm sorry that you are going through this Flowers

CursedDiamond · 26/08/2019 11:44

Just be aware that WhatsApp does list the devices that are linked to WhatsApp web, so there is a small chance he’ll find out what you’ve done if he looks properly.

ABadlyShavedYeti · 26/08/2019 13:23

Those of you who's OH's had affairs (either emotional or physical) did they mention the other person a lot in conversation or never mention them at all so you actually had no idea they existed until you found out?

My DP had an EA with a mutual friend, he didnt really mention her all that much,(he works with her) but looking back it was nothing out of the ordinary. I had my suspicions he was interested in another woman and when i found out it was her i was shocked as i never thought it would be her, being my friend and all.

He was using Whattsapp to talk to her, i didnt have a bloody clue. He made sure he deleted everything. I knew that there was somebody just not who.

Notallitseemstobe · 26/08/2019 14:06

A lot of people meet online so you wouldn't know them anyway and therefore not mentioned

rosinavera · 26/08/2019 14:48

Unfortunately it does sound like an affair - I think the only thing you can do is what other PP have suggested. I do hope it's not though xx

matahairyy · 26/08/2019 14:59

Where does it mention linked devices? I think doing that sounds very immoral tbh.

lifegoes · 26/08/2019 15:09

Unfortunately it's very very rare a man or anyone having an affair will just openly admit to having an affair. Unless the proof is thrown in their faces or they are completely caught out.

I was the OW but without knowing I was. As soon as I found out i blocked him and I spoke to his wife, he denied even knowing me. Then he admitted he did but it was all via text. Each time the wife wanted to see proof from me that he was lying. Luckily I still had messages that confirmed we had met up. Then he said it was just once.

After 2 days of proving he was lying to his wife. He eventually admitted the full thing. But said it was just sex only and meant nothing.

So you see, they DO lie.

Kaddm · 26/08/2019 15:16

My h had an affair. He whatsapped a woman from work whilst doing it. So the affair was conducted whilst at work (incl sex). He would delete whatsapps from her and also write in code. Anyway one time I picked up his phone to look at the calendar (counting the weeks til something) because I couldn’t see my own phone. A message from his colleague popped up as I was holding the phone. That’s how I found out. Anyway so I read the rest of what was on his phone from her. There was zero doubt. Later on, he deleted it all. I asked him whether he was having an affair. Denied x100. Then I said, look I actually know you are and I have concrete evidence - at this point I would like you to confess it all. Deny x100. So then I told him what I’d read. Confessed. So IME you don’t get a confession until you have 100% proof and even then some continue to deny it.

I would be extremely suspicious in your position, sorry.

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