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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating a man with MH issues, WWYD?

102 replies

SatOnTheRemote · 23/08/2019 23:33

I've been dating a new man for a couple of months but he seems to have gone quite cold lately.

His contact became less and less and it would always be me initiating dates, he was quite short with me through text yesterday so I decided I'd keep intact my dignity and wished him luck for the future saying I'll be leaving it there.

He comes back to me today apologizing for taking his mood out on me, being quite sweet and said he'd been feeling quite weighed down (he has mental health issues)

I offered my support if he felt he needed to talk, or have somebody keep him company and i said this because he said he'd been sat couped up in his room in the dark. He's now gone quiet again.

What would you do in this situation? Do I continue to reach out or do I leave him be?

I care about him so I feel uncomfortable walking away if he really is in crisis, but I don't want to make a nuisance of myself, or a fool.

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 23/08/2019 23:35

If you want a nice life and a relationship that is equal and supportive walk away, if you like drama and being a martyr hang around.

Highandlow · 23/08/2019 23:39

Tough one. I wouldn't chase, just let you know you are there for him . You can't do much more. Also take care of you.

Original poster
SatOnTheRemote · 23/08/2019 23:40

Thank you

I was conflicted because I can't be sure whether he really is in crisis or is saying what he's saying because he's just not that into me and didn't want to tell it how it is.

OP posts:
TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 23/08/2019 23:43

Run a bloody mile. This will be your life - wondering what’s wrong and trying to help. It doesn’t get better and you can’t fix him.

Spanielmadness · 23/08/2019 23:47

If you’d been married years, support him through this time. Absolutely.

You barely know him - don’t force his problems onto yourself.

From the words of bitter experience, you will end up in love but constantly shut out, given the cold shoulder, lonely and desperate with feeling the responsibility to ‘fix’ things.
The occasional glimmers of hope he gives you will be just enough for you to cling desperately to him, making you want him more and more but he will never allow you in for longer than a few days at a time.

gamerchick · 23/08/2019 23:51

I would walk away. It's too much hard work this early in.

He's admired and acknowledged that he has taken his mood out on you. Test one of your boundaries, now he's going to shove them a bit further to see how much taking it out on you he can do and get away with it. He may not be doing it on purpose.

It's up to you though

Original poster
SatOnTheRemote · 23/08/2019 23:52

It is beginning to feel that way already, constantly shut out then occasional glimmers of hope and i don't like the way it makes me feel. I find myself hovering around the phone hoping he's going to call and that's not like me, I've never been an insecure person but lately I am because there's no consistency.

OP posts:
Original poster
SatOnTheRemote · 23/08/2019 23:52

I agree it's alot of hard work for what should be the honeymoon period.

OP posts:
NiceWork · 23/08/2019 23:56

What spaniel said.

MissBehaves · 24/08/2019 00:33

No OP this isn’t what the honeymoon period feels like. The only thing that should be working hard at this point is ur pulse from sex and/or laughing.

Instead: constantly shut out then occasional glimmers of hope and i don't like the way it makes me feel. I find myself hovering around the phone hoping he's going to call and that's not like me, I've never been an insecure person but lately I am because there's no consistency.

If it can be this depressing and intense now after 2 months do you want to see what it’s like after 2 or 20 yrs?

It’s not healthy after 2 months for this to be how you’re feeling, it sounds really intense- why are you with him? Is he an otherwise good person?

CIareIsland · 24/08/2019 00:39

He is not well enough currently to be dating and starting a relationship. You would be doing him a favour by simplifying his life by walking away. You don’t know what is MH issue is - he could be an addict, he could be abusive or he could be both and mentally unwell.

PumpkinP · 24/08/2019 01:50

I would run now. My ex has mental health issues. When we first met I thought it was just depression but it turned out he has schizophrenia, I didn’t know the full extent. He’s been sectioned a few times. I really wouldn’t have hung around had I known, as someone else said if you had been together years fair enough, but it’s too much for early days.

Monty27 · 24/08/2019 01:54

Run and don't look back

Dieu · 24/08/2019 06:50

Walk away, OP Thanks
Alarm bells are ringing for me, as all of a sudden he upped the contact when you said you were walking away.
Stick with that initial decision. Even if he's genuine and not a timewaster, he is clearly in no place for dating. and should have recognised this himself rather than give you the runaround

KatherineJaneway · 24/08/2019 06:56

I agree with pp. He clearly isn't well enough to date so I'd leave it and walk away.

Shelby43 · 24/08/2019 07:52

Great advice here, my new partner has depression plus other stuff and I'm already feeling hopeless because he retreats away at times or doesn't seem to get his life together. I feel like I'm being a martyr and need to get out as such early days. The advice here on this thread has helped me.

Zaphodsotherhead · 24/08/2019 09:07

These 'mental health issues', has he actually told you he has an real diagnosis, or do they consist of him being nice, then a shit, then nice again to draw people in?

Some men say that they have MH problems, simply because that was what was shouted at them by their last girlfriend, tired of being picked up, put down, ignored, treated like a second mummy and then cheated on. So it gives them something to blame for their atrocious behaviour. He may have actual MH issues, or he may just be a self obsessed control freak.

Either way, it's not something you should be involved with this soon in. I'd pass on this one.

Andallofasuddenitsover · 24/08/2019 09:25

This happened to me OP! I was constantly worried that he was going to/had taken his own life, I didn’t challenge horrible behaviours and eventually he met someone else! What a waste of a lifetime.

category12 · 24/08/2019 09:31

Life is too short. It's harming you by creating insecurity. Bin him off.

Original poster
SatOnTheRemote · 24/08/2019 11:21

Thank you all, you are right. I need to leave this one where it is and stop pouring energy into it.

He messaged me again after I last posted, quite late at night saying he couldn't sleep so he'd leave at 4/5am. I asked him where he was leaving for and he said to come and see me. He knows I wouldn't be awake at 5am and that I have children, so it just further cements my reservations that he's quite full of shit. He said what about 6am then, again I said absolutely not. I'll be sleeping.

It's the second time in a week he's said he's coming to see me at times he knows i can't accommodate (late at night or when the children are home) because he knows I'll have to say no, then he can make out that it's me being evasive. It's game playing isn't it.

Funnily enough he's never available at a normal hour or when I don't have my children in my company.

I will be walking away from this one.

OP posts:
Original poster
SatOnTheRemote · 24/08/2019 11:27

IRT his mental health problems he has diagnosed depression and he suspects PTSD stemming from childhood abuse, so I do know he has his struggles but that aside it's clear he doesn't want or can't have a relationship

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 24/08/2019 11:31

Aah, the whole "I will bend over backwards to come see you, putting myself out and acting like I am doing it all for you" thing when really it's just a pain in the ass for you. Have a few indirect family members who do this.

It is to your credit that you want to support a man you care about but in the early days of a relationship it shouldn't be this hard. A person with mh or other health issues CAN still engage in new relationships but they need to be honest and they need to make it clear to their new partner that while x or y is challenging they can and will compensate with a or b.

Sorry op. But you need to let this one go.

Takemebacktolondon · 24/08/2019 11:33

How weird he wants to visit you at 5am.

I think you are doing the right thing to be stepping away.

FizzyPink · 24/08/2019 11:34

OP I’ve been in this exact situation, met him this weekend a year ago actually.
I believed I could help him and it would go back to being as amazing as it was to start with. Needless to say it was 6 long months of anxiety and stress.
Run for the hills

HollowTalk · 24/08/2019 11:37

It doesn't sound as though he's in a position to have a new relationship and there's a really high risk that if you continue to see him you'll be his carer from the start. That's not healthy for you.

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