Dating a man with MH issues, WWYD?

[SatOnTheRemote]

I've been dating a new man for a couple of months but he seems to have gone quite cold lately.

His contact became less and less and it would always be me initiating dates, he was quite short with me through text yesterday so I decided I'd keep intact my dignity and wished him luck for the future saying I'll be leaving it there.

He comes back to me today apologizing for taking his mood out on me, being quite sweet and said he'd been feeling quite weighed down (he has mental health issues)

I offered my support if he felt he needed to talk, or have somebody keep him company and i said this because he said he'd been sat couped up in his room in the dark. He's now gone quiet again.

What would you do in this situation? Do I continue to reach out or do I leave him be?

I care about him so I feel uncomfortable walking away if he really is in crisis, but I don't want to make a nuisance of myself, or a fool.

Walk away

Absolutely I would support a long term partner through MH problems but I would not sign up to that life out of choice. A few months into a relationship should be fun, great sex and excitement about a potential future, not angst and being an emotional support.

You have to put your children first. He clearly isn't thinking straight if he thinks it's ok to turn up at anyone's house at 5am. He needs professional help and you are not equipped for that. I'd be reluctant to offer any help as you have only just met him. You really don't need this in your life and he really needs to deal with his MH issues before embarking on a new relationship. Walk away and block his number so he can't continue to lean on you.

Again you're all very right

I can see through the "coming to see you at 5am" rubbish. He doesn't want to see me and knows I can't see him at that hour, so he suggests it with the sole objective of me refusing so he can flip the very obvious avoidant tactics round on me to have me feel like I'm the one avoiding him and letting him down when it's really the other way round.

I offered to go and see him when the DC were with their father, negative. I offered to meet him out for coffee (again negative)

He takes umbrage with the fact I don't want to introduce him to my DC at this stage so having him round my place is subject to childcare arrangements and less convenient than meeting elsewhere.

Despite that I've always prioritised seeing him when possible but it's not the same for him.

Wednesday night he was coming back into the city from working away for three days and text me at 10.30 saying can he come round, he knows he wouldn't be able to because the DC were here and in bed, so he put on a big deflated and hard done by act when I said no. He had no intention of coming in the first place because he knows i wouldn't let him, see what I mean? Game playing.

When it comes to the day time and times I can actually accommodate seeing him he's not interested. He just wants to play the victim and be oh so sad that he doesn't get to see me, when not seeing me is exactly what he's trying to do.

I think someone apparently assuming they would be welcome to appear at the home of a new girlfriend at 5 am for no reason other than their own insomnia suggests either more serious MH issues and/or a worryingly total inability to see outside their own needs.

It sounds as if you're just some vague background thing that is assumed to be available to him as a resource as and when needed.

Get rid.

It sounds as if you're just some vague background thing that is assumed to be available to him as a resource as and when needed this is exactly how it feels from my point of view yes.

I shan't be texting him again and will be trying to direct my thoughts elsewhere. The past week has been consumed with angst and concern and it's probably all in vein as the likelihood is he's doing fine and is just playing games and using his mental health to manipulate.

I sound quite cynical I know but that's the jist I'm getting.

This isn't mental health issues. This is him being an arse.

Absolutely that.

I have mental health issues myself and am in therapy but funnily enough that hasn't had me behave in any way shape or form similarly to him.

You don't sound cynical at all, @Sat. You sound like someone who has woken up to an exploitative and unpleasant situation in a very new relationship, and are protecting yourself and your children appropriately. Good luck to you.

Don't get sucked back in by him presenting himself as vulnerable I don't like the sound of him at all. In fact, my cynical side (which is clearly way more cynical than yours!) is noticing that he seems terribly (suspiciously?) keen to meet your children not only is he cross that you won't introduce them to a very new boyfriend, but he keeps wanting to come over at times when it's obvious your children will be at home and in bed, and shows no interest in visiting when your children are at their father's and you're free....?

Yes NiceWork I have picked up on that too, it makes me feel uneasy to be truthful. As much as I've enjoyed his company I never intended for him to become a long term partner, for me it was a bit of excitement and enjoying some good times after years of being single but he's made it weird.

He's said numerous times he doesn't think I'm serious about him because I'm trying so hard to compartmentalize my life. I explained in no uncertain terms that I wouldn't be introducing my children to anybody this early on, regardless of who they were, and we didn't even know where it was heading yet.

He doesn't like the fact the children's father comes and sees them regularly under my roof, apparently that shows I have "poor boundaries" because I have a good and amicable co-parenting relationship with my ex.

I have some professional photographs on my social media taken when I was pregnant some years ago, he has been more complimentary and drawn in by those photos above all others. He sent me one of these photos through WhatsApp and said "You look amazing, I want to make you look like this" aka have me get pregnant. I thought he was taking the Mick, but now I'm not sure he was.

He's said numerous times, already, that he wants to have children but i'm not interested in having any more.

We've had some wonderful times together and I was keen to keep things how they were, going to nice places and enjoying ourselves, but as soon as I've made it clear where my boundaries are he's gone cold and started behaving strangely.

I think I will look back on this in a few months of NC and think I've dodged a massive landmine.

I'd appreciate some mumsnet insight into something else about him whilst I'm here, if that's ok.

He has a female family friend who he's known 20 plus years, completely platonic and nothing remotely romantic between them just very close and almost like brother and sister. She's divorced and a lone parent and works in his company. I've met her and she's lovely.

This friend has 4 children, two girls and two boys and the children are close to (I'll call him John) and see him as an uncle figure. Their own father is absent.

John put a mushy and slightly cringe photograph of us on his Facebook account captioned "another wonderful evening with my beautiful girlfriend" and the youngest of the two teenage girls posted a comment underneath saying "What are you doing with my uncle John" with an angry face.

I didn't respond as obviously she's a child and laughed it off but the next morning he sent me a screenshot of her comment assuming I hadn't seen it and asked whether I thought she was jealous.

That is bizarre isn't it, his reaction to it more than her comment.

Wow why are you with this man at all? It’s not going to end well by the sounds of it.

I don't like the sound of him at all. In fact,mycynical side (which is clearly way more cynical than yours!) is noticing that he seems terribly (suspiciously?) keen to meet your children -- not only is he cross that you won't introduce them to a very new boyfriend, but he keeps wanting to come over at times when it's obvious your children will be at home and in bed, and shows no interest in visiting when your children are at their father's and you're free

This was my first thought too. The more you post the worse he sounds.
Telling you you have poor boundaries because you dare be civil to your ex, whilst he is constantly trying to break them.

I don't buy the poor mental health bullshit either. He is testing you and is pissed off you aren't compliant.

Cut all contact. Tell him to fuck off.

Yes his reaction to that child’s comment to the photo, is bizarre and totally inappropriate.

And the comment about making you pregnant, controlling and disgusting, especially after you making it clear you don’t want anymore dc.

I’d be inclined to tell him you think he’s a weirdo. Then block him.

And I agree with you all, his behaviour is nothing at all to do with mental health issues.

OP it's horrible to be in this situation. I'm further in it than you and his MH is significantly worse than I thought at the start. He's a lovely guy but comes off treatment when he feels OK,... Back to square one. It's soul destroying and I'm trying to get my head together to walk... Before I have severe MH issues too. I think you should leave if you can, people warned me it would be be a hell of a lot harder if I carried on and would cause nothing but pain, I ignored it. They were 100% right.

Still can’t get over him wanting to come over at 5 a.m.

Yet (ironic) criticising your “boundaries” because you don’t want to introduce your children to him yet . Who the hell does he think he is?!

All sounding like he wants to destabilise you and mess with your head ...

Yea..he sounds like a manipulative, controlling shithead. MH issues? Yea, right.

I'll be blocking his number today and removing him from all social media.

We had a great time together and because he came across so well for the first couple of months I've been feeling blindsided and confused by the sudden dramatic change and amount of red flags surfacing now that weren't there from the beginning.

It's like he went from a like a charismatic, intelligent and ambitious fun loving person to an unreliable, flaky, suspicious walking red flag.

The mask has dropped and won't be hearing from me again. Thank you all for drumming into me what I wanted to hear.

He did have me concerned for his welfare which is why I was on the fence about walking away whilst he's in crisis, but I'm smelling the coffee with that one too. It's all BS I think.

He doesn't know where I live and hasn't been to my house because I'm strict about boundaries when dating somebody new, so it's not all bad I should be able to ghost and move forward without repercussion.

I would definitely not be contacting him again. My ex had MH issues (self diagnosed) I saw the first sign of this when we first started living together but I was young and naive and thought I could help him. I was very patient until he used his MH as an excuse for not supporting me through cancer and for having affairs! I may sound cynical but I would be walking away at the first signs of any MH issues at the start of a new relationship. For me it’s similar to alcoholics and drug addicts, if they want to help themselves they will access the support available. You can’t cure someone’s depression and it can make people extremely selfish and manipulative. I’ve suffered myself but I got help promptly and did not treat anyone else badly or play games. Life is shit at times and everyone experiences that but it’s also short and has to be lived to the full. Anyone who spent their time wallowing in their own self pity would be incompatible with me and my outlook on life.

He has shown you the real him, OP. It's a blessing really.
You have done the right thing in blocking him and moving on

Also though it’s only a couple of months he’s blowing hot and cold. The getting you pregnant salivating sounds like creepy “future faking” too. I’d be beating a hasty retreat ... nothing inflammatory ... just say you don’t think it would work out and don’t be drawn in to reasons, and fgs don’t offer him friendship, help, or a listening ear.

This was on Wednesday when he was coming back into the city from working away for a few days, he sent me a picture of a road sign to the area where I live saying he was coming to see me.

I said he didn't even know the address and he implied that he did.

That's another thing I brushed off at the time that is now giving me the creeps, picture attached. I've scrolled past the sign showing where I live.

FWIW he didn't turn up so I don't believe he knows my road, but he was clearly trying to psych me out. He knew full well I wouldn't have let him come round so was playing games.

Just seen your update. I’m feeling like a cup of coffee myself 😀

SatOn. Be proud of yourself.

You listened to your instincts and you have great boundaries.