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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so so stupid

104 replies

Loveyou3000 · 22/08/2019 21:39

Have been with my boyfriend for a year, he lived with me for 6 months whilst in between jobs and moved into his own room in a house he shares with another bloke a few months ago as we aren't really at that point yet, to be living together long term especially when we both have kids.

He's become a huge part of my DD's life. We've had a few issues but things have been fine for the past few months.

My friend and I were going through her Tinder, after a few glasses of wine and came across my boyfriend's best friend, and I jokingly said swipe right, she did and they matched. Straight away she said 'I'm (boyfriend)'s girlfriend's best friend!' he replied with "so you are friends with Jess?". My name is not Jess. Nothing even close to Jess.

I immediately called him and asked who Jess was, he became defensive, called me "schitz" and told me to not contact him again.

I really don't know what to make of this. His excuse was his ex is named Jess, but they haven't been together for years, since then he has had another relationship with a woman for 3 years, and they have a child together. Then they split and we have been together ever since. I have met this best friend multiple times and he is aware of my name and who I am. He also claims that he just doesn't talk to his friends about me... As I'm typing this I realise how utterly stupid I have been. He doesn't have me on Facebook, either.
I know I wasn't being unreasonable in asking him about this, I'm just a bit confused not sure it's sunk in yet.

Picture of the Tinder exchange. Apologies for the bad blurring have limited tools on my phone. Sorry if this is all over the place, my head is a mess. I feel really stupid.

I feel so so stupid
OP posts:
KellyHall · 22/08/2019 21:42

Sounds like his mate's a knob.

Has your boyfriend done anything to make you concerned about him or your relationship?

IamtheOA · 22/08/2019 21:46

I had an absolute block on one of my friends boyfriends. Could not remember the dudes name- kept calling him the ex's name. It was so embarrassing.
Maybe the mate was similar?

Grimbles · 22/08/2019 21:55

He asked you not to contact him again?

That doesn't sound like the 'victim' of a mistaken identity IMO. If he were innocent/clueless then surely he would want to get it sorted out?

Original poster
Loveyou3000 · 22/08/2019 22:00

Friend has replied saying "it was a joke to get him in trouble, sounds like it worked". I have an unusual name so didn't think it was a name block type thing

No, I've never had cause to feel uneasy, but looking back there are some things like not adding me on facebook despite being an avid Facebook user, he's borderline obsessed with it, and a few other things.

From the way he reacted, I don't think it was a joke. All I said was 'whats this about?' for him to react by calling me "schitz". I have never ever been the type to check his messages or insist he doesn't talk to certain people, I've never once expressed distrust of his friends who are women, so this isn't a straw that broke the camel's back type thing for him.
Why end a year long relationship over me asking him to clarify what this exchange was about?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 22/08/2019 22:06

I'm confused, you called his mate (or your bf?) to ask who jess was?

Its sounds like he just isn't much of a best mate to your bf and so has no idea what his mates current gfs name is. If I were him I would have told you not to call me again too though to be fair.

Why would you jump to an affair conclusion? Is bf giving you reason to think there is anyone else? Otherwise...seems you are a wee bit paranoid.

Pinkbonbon · 22/08/2019 22:12

At OK you called your bf. What the heck is 'schitz'?

I'd say it sounds manipulative to 'end' your relationship over simply asking for some clarification (like conditioning u not to ask questions) but then I don't know how the phone call went. Like if you called in an accusatory kind of manner and he decided the relationship is just too much drama?

Letitbegin · 22/08/2019 22:13

He doesn't have you on fb that a big red flag to me if he has fb! How long have you been together?

Grimbles · 22/08/2019 22:15

Pink, the OP called her boyfriend to ask who Jess was. Her boyfriends reaction was to tell her not to contact him again.

IamtheOA · 22/08/2019 22:15

( I don't know what schitz is either!)

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 22/08/2019 22:16

God he sounds like my narcissistic ex. Moving in with you early in the relationship because he had no where else to stay and unable to hold down/changing jobs frequently means he's irresponsible (narcs are hopelessly irresponsible with money, commitments, life in general). Did he actually contribute (equally) to anything when you lived together (financially or housework). Has he ever borrowed money from you?

Does he see his children? If not or if there are issues with his ex (he calls her crazy or said she cheated on him) is a huge red flag. The calling you crazy is a HUGE sign he is emotionally abusive and is gaslighting you. Is he a victim in life and everyone has treated him terribly and it's never his fault? Did he love bomb you in the beginning and rush for commitment? Did he say he loved you within weeks?

All narcs are prolific cheaters and are often on multiple dating sites so don't let him confuse you with his lies. He is cheating and likely with multiple women.

Please block and delete this man and read up on narcissistic abuse. Here are some good videos to start with I'd suggest you watch them all.

BumbleBeee69 · 22/08/2019 22:17

His response to the simple question being asked, is extreme and disproportionate OP.

You have caught him lying.

Flowers
billy1966 · 22/08/2019 22:17

OP, he doesn't sound nice. I think you have had a real flash of who he really is.

I wouldn't be contacting him again.

Choice4567 · 22/08/2019 22:19

What does schitz mean? And who said it?

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 22/08/2019 22:19

Also, always trust your gut instinct. It's never wrong. You know in deep down this man is no good.

The fact that he doesnt have you in facebook means he has something to hide (my ex narc had me as a friend but limited my views).

These men are unable to feel empathy, cannot love you and cannot change, no matter what he says.

He will likely contact you soon, promising the world and saying he'll change but it's all an act which is why it's so important to block him. He may eventually stalk you so prepare yourself for that.

You say you have had other issues, what were they?

SLR1982 · 22/08/2019 22:20

Th FB thing resonates with me...
I dated a guy for a couple years on/off who wouldn't have me on his social media. The final time I stupidly ended up going back round the loop with him he added me onto his social media!
Curiosity killed this cat. He had deleted a load of check-ins and pictures from his timeline but because the tags were still live I was finally able to prove what I had always suspected and had been the underlying reason for all the on/off... I was the OW.
Trust your instincts.

Grimbles · 22/08/2019 22:20

I assume it's short for schizophrenic/schizoid, i.e. saying shes 'mental'

NoCauseRebel · 22/08/2019 22:21

Have you met his kids?

And more to the point, if this woman at your house was a friend, presumably she’d met him and knew he was your bf?

If a partner rang me and accused me of being with someone else I would be bloody annoyed tbh. And the reality here is that if he hadn’t got annoyed and you’d posted here saying that someone else had told you his GF was called Jess but that he was denying it, posters would be telling you that he’s obviously lying and to get rid.

If the relationship’s over then it’s over, but I would talk to the friend and tell him to bloody clarify to your bf that he was the one stirring. Then see what happens from there.

Guiltypleasures001 · 22/08/2019 22:22

Schitz, as in schizophrenic, as in mental

He's been caught out, dodged a bullet op sorry 💐

MashedSpud · 22/08/2019 22:22

I think he meant schizophrenia.

Not a very nice guy at all and seems like he’s with someone called Jess and gaslighting you.

youcouldbeGLAAD · 22/08/2019 22:22

Schitz = schizophrenic

Pinkbonbon · 22/08/2019 22:23

Totally agree it sounds like a narcissustic reaction..

But...not all narcissists are cheaters. Just thought that needed to be said. Some of them are sexual deviants, some of them exceedingly sexually repressed, some if them cheat. But mostly they like to make you think they like other people and play mind games like withholding affection from you and lavishing it on others...but they do not all physically cheat. Just incase anyone reads and thinks 'oh my partner can't be a narcissist because he is unsexual/uninterested/not cheating' ect..

Choice4567 · 22/08/2019 22:23

Oh sorry so pronounced like skitz. I was reading it as shits.

Babdoc · 22/08/2019 22:27

OP, as well as dumping this crappy man, I’d recommend you get an STI check. He could have infected you with anything if he’s been screwing around with other women.

Original poster
Loveyou3000 · 22/08/2019 22:27

@Pinkbonbon

I called my boyfriend sorry, not his friend. Whilst I'm hardly friends with this friend, he has been over multiple times as boyfriend lived here for 6 months and is over a fair bit, which is really why I did not jump to the conclusion that he was cheating, when would he have the time! He spends every weekend here and most evenings, during the day he works 9-5. They are very close and travel to car events a lot together, they have each other's names tattooed on them.

I only called him to ask about this message, I didn't go in all guns blazing either, so his reaction, the yelling and being really angry at me asking what this was all about, surprised me and that's what has made me sit back and put a few pieces together but I'm still not sure if there is anyone else, the main things that are making me question it all are his reactions, not adding me on Facebook and not inviting me to things with him.

Ive never been cheated on, AFAIK he's never cheated before and he's here a lot so I'd have no reason to suspect a thing. I'm more confused than paranoid, sorry I haven't made it clear, I feel stupid if I have been cheated on, but I'm really not sure I have! I'm more upset by the way he has yelled at me. My friend was here the entire time and has assured me I wasn't being irrational in asking, but perhaps I should have brushed it off?

I hope it is a joke, but even if it is, I'm sure that's it for our relationship. Especially being yelled at like that. If it is a joke as this so called friend is saying, what a nasty thing to do to your best friend. Perhaps I'm naive but I can't believe anyone finds that a fun thing to joke about!

OP posts:
namechanger0064 · 22/08/2019 22:32

It's not a joke - he got caught out and now he's like a rat in a corner. Block and move on!

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