I feel so so stupid

[Loveyou3000]

Have been with my boyfriend for a year, he lived with me for 6 months whilst in between jobs and moved into his own room in a house he shares with another bloke a few months ago as we aren't really at that point yet, to be living together long term especially when we both have kids.

He's become a huge part of my DD's life. We've had a few issues but things have been fine for the past few months.

My friend and I were going through her Tinder, after a few glasses of wine and came across my boyfriend's best friend, and I jokingly said swipe right, she did and they matched. Straight away she said 'I'm (boyfriend)'s girlfriend's best friend!' he replied with "so you are friends with Jess?". My name is not Jess. Nothing even close to Jess.

I immediately called him and asked who Jess was, he became defensive, called me "schitz" and told me to not contact him again.

I really don't know what to make of this. His excuse was his ex is named Jess, but they haven't been together for years, since then he has had another relationship with a woman for 3 years, and they have a child together. Then they split and we have been together ever since. I have met this best friend multiple times and he is aware of my name and who I am. He also claims that he just doesn't talk to his friends about me... As I'm typing this I realise how utterly stupid I have been. He doesn't have me on Facebook, either.
I know I wasn't being unreasonable in asking him about this, I'm just a bit confused not sure it's sunk in yet.

Picture of the Tinder exchange. Apologies for the bad blurring have limited tools on my phone. Sorry if this is all over the place, my head is a mess. I feel really stupid.

So hang on, am I reading this right that your BF / ex BF has his best friends name tattooed on him and vice versa?

@Epona1 yes! It's one of those stick and poke home done ones, they have been friends for about a decade. I think it seemed like a good idea drunk one night... But it's odd, right?

The reaction of calling someone crazy and dumping them when they ask for a simple clarification is narcissistic. Everything else aside. That to me is the only thing that points towards it

No it isn't narcissistic. I bet there are millions that have reacted the same to being caught out cheating.

Stop labelling someone on the loosest of criteria. This isn't the way to spread the word that narcissists exists.

Having seen the devastation true narcissism causes, I find this unhealthy and worrying. I also think it minimises the pain that real sufferers endure.

Are you implying I'm not a 'real' sufferer then? I'm not going to derail the thread by going into my life story but I think as someone like yourself who 'worked with people who have been severely damaged by narcissists', you would feel pretty crap about saying that to me if you knew the half of it. I'm not sure how I'm being 'disingenuous' by sharing my story in the hope that I can prevent other women and their children from going through the painful learning experience I have had to. OP can take or leave my opinion just like anyone else.

We are all capable of doing those things you listed to varying degrees, it doesn't make someone a narcissist.

I agree in isolation, the things you have listed don't necessarily mean someone is narcissistic. However, there is a distinct pattern of behaviour here which I have listed previously and so many red flags. Not everyone knows what to look for and I certainly didnt in my 20's.

Yes I know it's a spectrum thank you. We are playing semantics here though. Most narcs dont get diagnosed as NPD because by the nature of having no insight into their own behaviour, they dont seek medical treatment so all of the literature is skewed towards the severe end of the spectrum (estimates are actually 10% of people are narcissistic). How else do you suggest people protect themselves without learning the common traits? They don't go around with 'I'm at the moderate to severe end of the narcissistic spectrun' written on their heads.

The article you mentioned states 'Healthy narcissism is adaptive, flexible and empathic. It causes elation and joy and helps us function everyday'. So where on that scale would you draw a line? One trait, two, ten? I can list 10 from the OP's posts.

Let's agree to disagree Windmill as I'm not sure any of this is helping OP. I really hope you are less judgemental and dismissive of people's experiences in your professional practice though.

And thankyou @Pinkbonbon, I know you get it. from one survivor to another.

Forget all this "oooh he might be a narcissist" armchair diagnosis.

Look in the fucking mirror. You let a man you'd known just THREE MONTHS move in with you and your toddler daughter. What on earth was going on in your head?

Give yourself a proper talking to and get some serious counselling before you make such crazy decisions again.

Your daughter shouldn't have even met him at 3 months - never mind have a faux daddy.

@BeckyWithTheSplitEnds not to drip feed but the relationship had been going on for 3 months, I have known him longer than the time we have been in a relationship for. He'd already met DD before we developed feelings for one another. He was not a "faux daddy", her father is incredibly involved, has her almost every weekday night and every other weekend. She is under no illusions that my now ex was her dad or step dad or anything.

I don't need counselling, what a ridiculous thing to drain NHS resources for, and did not ask for a commentary on that, thank you for being dramatic.

really hope you are less judgemental and dismissive of people's experiences in your professional practice though.

Absolutely. I certainly don't diagnose on a paragraph of dialogue.

However, there is a distinct pattern of behaviour here which I have listed previously and so many red flags.

A distinct pattern. I disagree 100 per cent. We have very limited dialogue. However, I can see now why you believe you've had the misfortune of meeting three narcissists based on that comment.

Sometimes people are just selfish, rude, dismissive and immature.

@Jaffacakesaremyfave
@Pinkbonbon
@Windmillwhirl

On the narcissist thread- whilst I agree it's important to make people aware of abusers and how they operate, I've been 'involved' with narcissists, in terms of a childminder we used whom I have posted about before under a different name I believe, have been in an emotionally abusive relationship a while ago and had a very toxic friendship with a narcissist. I really don't feel he is one, but I'm not a professional and no one else on this thread knows him so none of us can diagnose him one way or another. All I know is I don't feel emotionally abused, I don't feel psychologically damaged from this so whether he is narcissistic or not is irrelevant to me, as I have taken a step back and I don't want to marry this man, I don't want to be with someone who thinks what happened is all an oh so hilarious joke. There are now too many things that just make me feel a bit exhausted with it all, it's just drama and I'm too old and busy for it.

I was in a bit of a spin last night, in the cold light of day today I am just totally unamused by it all and a bit fed up.

Love you, Of course you are fed up. It wasn't much of a joke and you are absolutely right, you know him better than anyone on here and if you don't believe he is a narcissist (and have experience of them) then that should be enough for everyone.

I hope you feel better soon x

However, I can see now why you believe you've had the misfortune of meeting three narcissists based on that comment.

How dismissive Windmill based on me sharing hardly any of what happened. I was married to one for 6 years and we have 3 DC. He was physically and emotionally abusive to me and the DC and is now in prison for something unrelated. I feel lucky to be alive. The others were of similar calibre so 'selfish, rude, dismissive and immature.' is abit of an understatement.

I feel really sad that you are involved in treating narcissistic abuse victims if this is how you react to someone telling you they have been narcissistically abused. Ever heard of the Dunning Kruger effect?

It's one thing to disagree with me but to try and tell me my experience wasn't real is just insulting tbh and what every abuse victim fears (that they wont be believed).

And for the umpteenth time, at what point did I say 'in my professional opinion I am diagnosing him with NPD'? I listed red flags, patterns of behaviour and my opinions for the OP to take or leave.

Let's all agree to disagree ...to varying extents xD Otherwise we'll argue till the cows come home. No ones 'diagnosing' anyone and OPs got the 411.

Take it he hasn't contacted you again? Think I'd be blocking his number incase he decides to backpeddle with some lie or other.

Jaffa, you say he sounds like your narcissistic ex and later on say you would be prepared to bet that he is a narcissist. The fact you don't say in my professional opinion is neither here nor there.

You go on to provide links, presume to know what his other behaviours are because the op does not reply to you to confirm otherwise.

The op has stated in her opinion on several occasions she does not believe he is a narcissist.

I'm not saying you haven't been hurt badly, you clearly have, but maybe your personal experience is clouding this situation and you are reading into everything because of your own experiences.

Quite a few of my exes could be guilty of lovebombing. Wanting to impress a partner and spoil them early on is not always a symptom of narcissism.

Please don't feel sorry for my clients. They return because they are heard and listened to and comforted. That's not to say I wouldn't challenge someone that believed they had the misfortune of being involved with three narcissistic partners. As said up thread abusive people are not always narcissists.

Can I suggest this as some light reading. It will really help you to understand your clients better

narcsite.com/2017/03/02/the-empathic-supernova-2/

'Whilst third parties may try to assist the Co-Dependent to see and understand what has happened to them, their own substantial need to connect with a narcissist means it is very hard to make them take notice and stay away from us. Unless physically removed and isolated, the Co-Dependent will drift back to us. If not the original narcissist, a replacement narcissist will invariably be found.'

I'm not alone in it happening more than 3 times.

Thanks, but I understand my clients just fine. That happens when you spend weeks and months listening to them. I am yet to find anything to do with narcissism light reading, but thank you for the suggestion..

Since you are offering me advice, I'd suggest you work on your boundaries. Accepting three abusive men into your life isn't just a coincidence. Hopefully you have broken that cycle. I wish you well.

This is a good link to abusive characteristics, many if which are used to label narcissism.

www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/character-traits-abusive-people/

Thanks for the link windmill, I'm glad we both agree that the OP's partner is emotionally abusive:

1. Hypersensitivity: 'partner losing his or her temper quickly or developing strong emotional reactions to normal criticism or commentary. '

1. Frequent mood changes: 'An abuser may be prone to very sudden explosions of rage in one instant, but may react completely differently in the next instant and in the same situation.'

1. Blaming others: 'Abusers typically blame others, especially their partners, for the mistakes in their lives.'

1. Verbal abuse: 'Abusers often try to hide this form of abuse under the guise of a “joke” and will often tell you to “lighten up”.'

'It should be noted that abusers cannot always be easily identified. If your partner or if the partner of someone you know is exhibiting any of the above character traits, he or she may be laying the foundation for an abusive relationship'

I list 4 right there with OP's exP. Not sure how any of that is any different to what I've been saying but I didnt put it as eloquently so maybe that's my bad.

Thanks, but I understand my clients just fine. That happens when you spend weeks and months listening to them. I am yet to find anything to do with narcissism light reading, but thank you for the suggestion.

and I don't know why you are getting so shirty with me. It was a genuine suggestion from a good place. If you really do work with narc victims then you are in a position to help them so I thought some genuine perspective from a leading writer in the field (and diagnosed NPD) you would want to have a read. The 'light' reading was obviously tongue in cheek

Oh and I do completely accept it wasnt a coincidence. I'm horrendously codependent and was in denial for a very long time. This is why I'm so passionate about the subject now that I have recognised why I was attracted to and tolerated abuse. if there are other 'me's' out there somewhere, I want to help them snap out of it like I did.

@Loveyou3000 I'm glad you're not suffering or upset with what has happened, looks like you're not really getting any real support from other posters too involved in their own pissing contest.
Who cares if your now ex is a narcissist or not I read the post as about him potentially cheating then acting like a dick when called out on it, this tinder bloke did you a favour even if it was supposed to be a joke, your guy showed his true colours and also shown you how you really feel /felt. You and your DD are more important, good luck to you xx

I'm not sure how me trying to point out to OP it was likely an emotionally abusive relationship so she can reflect and learn from it in the future whilst being shocked that someone who works with abused women couldn't recognise it as abuse is a 'pissing contest'.

whilst being shocked that someone who works with abused women couldn't recognise it as abuse

Where did I say it wasn't abusive? I said his behaviour isn't narcissistic. I have posted numerous times on here that behaviour can be abusive and not narcissistic. I can't be more clear.

You jumped on this thread saying the man is a narcissist. I disagreed that was not necessarily the case.

Narcissism is real. It isn't the cause of all abusive behaviour. I'm not attacking by suggesting abusive behaviour may not be the result of narcissism.