I feel so so stupid

[Loveyou3000]

Have been with my boyfriend for a year, he lived with me for 6 months whilst in between jobs and moved into his own room in a house he shares with another bloke a few months ago as we aren't really at that point yet, to be living together long term especially when we both have kids.

He's become a huge part of my DD's life. We've had a few issues but things have been fine for the past few months.

My friend and I were going through her Tinder, after a few glasses of wine and came across my boyfriend's best friend, and I jokingly said swipe right, she did and they matched. Straight away she said 'I'm (boyfriend)'s girlfriend's best friend!' he replied with "so you are friends with Jess?". My name is not Jess. Nothing even close to Jess.

I immediately called him and asked who Jess was, he became defensive, called me "schitz" and told me to not contact him again.

I really don't know what to make of this. His excuse was his ex is named Jess, but they haven't been together for years, since then he has had another relationship with a woman for 3 years, and they have a child together. Then they split and we have been together ever since. I have met this best friend multiple times and he is aware of my name and who I am. He also claims that he just doesn't talk to his friends about me... As I'm typing this I realise how utterly stupid I have been. He doesn't have me on Facebook, either.
I know I wasn't being unreasonable in asking him about this, I'm just a bit confused not sure it's sunk in yet.

Picture of the Tinder exchange. Apologies for the bad blurring have limited tools on my phone. Sorry if this is all over the place, my head is a mess. I feel really stupid.

It was a very crass clumsy and odd thing for the friend to have done. My thought would have been that the friend has another friend also called Josh ( since you have left his name visible) and that Josh has a gf called Jess.

But this blows that out of the water “Friend has replied saying "it was a joke to get him in trouble, sounds like it worked". ”

By crass etc I mean to volunteer a name at all. Surely people would be cagey discussing things via Tinder?

Op
Am I right in reading that your boyfriend (or ex bf) has his friends name tattooed on his body?
Hmmmm sounds like the friend did have a vested interest in splitting g you up.
Anyhow I think you are right to block him and move on.
Red flags all over the place.

He's become a huge part of my DD's life

You’ve been together a year! He shouldn’t be anything to do with your daughters life at this point.

It's a bit crap and his reaction tells you all you need to know here.
You are better off out of it.
Look after yourself OP.

Morning, all. Have tried to reply to you all but realised they sounded like excuses for his behaviour and they are.

Absolutely he shouldn't have moved in, that's my fault.

(Also yes really not fussed about this being outing re:names @SockMachine! My posts are never that interesting so no drama would come of any of it)

He told me, and my friend, to "die mad about" not finding the whole thing funny yesterday.

Again I don't think he's a narcissist. I think he has narcissistic traits in terms of thinking he is right about everything (and I couldn't possibly know what I was talking about as he is 100% right all the time) but I think he's just selfish and he's been very childish.

I'm not upset I'm just a bit angry about the way I've been spoken to but yes, we're not together anymore.

I think he's just selfish and he's been very childish.

Yes he is but is also emotionally abusive. Telling you to 'die mad about it' is not something a normal person would say. Breaking up with you over simply asking him to clarify something is not a normal reaction. How many narcissistic traits does someone need to have before you can accept they are one.

I really hope I'm wrong because if he is one then this wont be the end. Nest stage will be the Hoover (it was all a big misunderstanding, he'll promise to change etc.)

Block him and keep him blocked. He has done you a massive by showing you who he really is.

*favour

I know I’ll be in the minority here, but I can buy it being a joke.

Unfortunately my DH has one of these friends who would do exactly the same thing and find it hilarious. I don’t have much to do with this friend for that reason but my DH has been friends with him for about 20 years. Fortunately he doesn’t see as much of him as he used to, I suspect this is partly due to my intolerance of him as I won’t do things as a couple with him anymore.

However, this doesn’t take away how he spoke to you, and how it made it feel. Sounds like you’re doing the right thing for you and your DD.

I agree narc is definitely overused. People cheat, lie, avoid accepting responsibility all the time. It's amazing how people cry 'narc' after reading a few paragraphs on a thread.

I once saw a thread on here about a woman who found out her husband was cheating. He was labelled a narc by someone who had gone out (supposedly with three narcs). Yeah, ok.

An abusive partner is also not an automatic narcissist.

I think the friend is just an asshole who thinks he is funny. I don't think a friend would have used this way to tell you your bf was cheating.

The "call". I don't know, but if my partner called me with such a stupid thing demanding an explanation, I would dump him too. But I divorced a narcissistic cheater who is dragging me through court and leaving me dry, so I admit I don't have any tolerance for drama.

@Windmillwhirl, that could have been me posting. Believe it or not, I have been in more than 3 narcissisticly abusive relationships. They target certain victims, in particular those who they deem vulnerable (e.g. single mothers like myself) and actual vulnerability (e.g low self esteem like myself usually from previous abuse). Its very common for women to date one after the other because of this and it can become a cycle. They also often target much younger women (like the OP) as they think they are easier to control.

I actually think ALL abusive men are narcissistic and theres a few psychologists I've come across who agree. I'm not sure what behaviours you think are typical of narcissists but they are all emotionally abusive and some physically abusive by the nature of it. They lack empathy, they are entitled, they want to control. That is the essence of what being narcissistic and abusive is!! Why would anyone choose to be abusive if they had empathy? It makes no sense. Lack of emapthy = narcissist or psychopath. Read Lundy bancroft and it is essentially how to spot narcissistic abuse.

thinking he is right about everything (and I couldn't possibly know what I was talking about as he is 100% right all the time)

You can't get more narcissistic than that. They all think they are right about everything, dont care about how their behaviour impacts you or anyone else and will perceive every attempt you make at having an equal relationship as a threat and therefore rage.

The DSM are actually moving away from the strict criteria they used to have and now consider these points instead (at least 2/4):

Identity - Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal inflated or deflated, or vacillating between extremes; emotional regulation mirroring fluctuations in self-esteem

Self-direction - Goal setting based on gaining approval from others; personal standards that are either unreasonably high (in order to see oneself as exceptional) or too low (from a sense of entitlement); frequent unawareness of one’s own motivations

Empathy - Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessive attunement to reactions of others, but only if these are perceived as relevant to the self; over- or underestimation of one’s own effect on others

Intimacy - Relationships that are largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others’ experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain

I count 4 in the OP's 'after reading a few paragraphs on a thread.'

I'm not trying to diagnose him, just point out the huge warning signs here. You can choose to believe I'm talking out of my arse but then you would be the one who is vulnerable to a narcissist coming in and destroying your life.

And the friends response wasnt a 'joke'. He had to come up with a vaguely believable response to get the OP's exP off the hook. It's so obvious he was trying to cover his arse.

If the OP did some digging, she would find out that he probably has his own dating profiles everywhere. Why else would he not be friends on FB after a year. He is hiding his prolific cheating from the OP. She may not have even been his main supply and its likely that's why she was discarded so easily. He'll be off shagging about to his hearts content until he loses interest in the latest victim and starts hitting up the OP again.

I'm aware of the DSM and qualifying criteria. I have also worked with people who have been severely damaged by narcissists. I don't doubt narcissists exist.

When a partner is able to cheat because they no longer want to be with their partner and may indeed resent them, then absolutely they can come across as lacking in empathy, That is not narcissism.

We are all capable of doing those things you listed to varying degrees, it doesn't make someone a narcissist. At times I have not been empathic,I have been driven by ego. I would say most people have at certain times or points in their lives.

Another example, a man lies when caught out cheating. He is suddenly gaslighting and labelled a narcissist. More likely he is lying so he can get away with being labelled a cheat.

I think the OP already said she doesn't believe he is a narcissist.

As said, I agree narcissism exists, but in this case I see posters grabbing onto the actions of a desperate man trying to save face and throwing a label on him.

Having seen the devastation true narcissism causes, I find this unhealthy and worrying. I also think it minimises the pain that real sufferers endure.

And prolific cheating doesn't make someone a narcissist. He may love sex, even have a problem with it i.e. addiction, he may love the thrill of the chance or, simply be keeping his options open.

Chase*

Exactly, Windmill

The reaction of calling someone crazy and dumping them when they ask for a simple clarification is narcissistic. Everything else aside. That to me is the only thing that points towards it. Some may feel differently but for me, everything else, even the cheating...any average shitty person can do that.

not all abusers are narcissists A great deal of them are. Or something along those lines. There are exceptions such as alcoholics or sometimes, people going through mental health issues but a large portion of abusers are cluster b's.

Narcissistic traits? Someone is a narcissist or they aren't. Its just that some are worse than others, some have other disorders on top too. I've met two that were worlds worse than the rest (the rest paled in comparison). But it doesn't mean that the ones that weren't as... malignant, weren't narcissists. Speaking as someone who has seen the true extent of wrath these sorts can muster, i'd rather the word be overused than underused, then at least someone might be inclined to think 'oh what's that about, I'll have a google'. Even when it's used places where it is completely irrelevant, it can lead to education on the subject. And only by educating ourselves and others, can we hope to defend against it in future.

I think you may find that there is a spectrum when it comes to narcissism.

Coming on here and labelling someone a narcissist because you have been hurt by one seems quite disingenuous.

www.sane.org/information-stories/the-sane-blog/mental-illness/is-narcissism-common-the-answer-may-surprise-you

You're obviously the OW since a) his friend's first assumption of who his gf is was this "Jess" and b) he keeps you off his fb so you don't see him tagged with Jess.

I once knew someone who somehow had his fb profile set so that he appeared single to everyone except his gf!

Should I have ignored it all @butterflyFed? I've never been cheated on, never felt like I was being cheated on, so not going off any experience

I think it was a joke. A deeply unfunny and hurtful one. At least that's what I'm hoping, I suppose. I don't feel like he lies to me I've never felt distrusting of him, he doesn't even get out much.

He does however get really angry when he's defensive, he bought a car earlier this year after the last one failed the MOT. He bought it off a friend and only upon going to put the girls' carseats in the car did we realise it had no seatbelts in the back- it was a dropped BMW and was used as a drift car by the previous owner! Couldn't even go over speedbumps in the thing. It was more than we could afford to put seatbelts in and I was a bit gutted as had planned to go away the next week and couldn't due to lack of seatbelts. He just got really angry and said it was my fault for not helping him look for other cars. When he calmed down he admitted he was just really embarrassed that he'd messed up. And I don't think it's abusive behaviour, just a defence mechanism.

(Got rid of the car a month or so later and used the money to buy a more family friendly one).

Last night he said to me that my friend and I had taken a joke out of context and I could "die mad about it" whatever that means. He's really not coming across as someone who loves and cares about me that's for sure, even if he is just being defensive. I'm young, everything else in my life is going alright, I'll move on. I still don't really know how I feel but I'm not sat here in floods of tears or anything

Windmill well i DID say it was a spectrum. Just not the same one as people without a cluster personality disorder.

I haven't been 'hurt' by a narcissist. And Jaffa has been abused by three (which I quite believe as she seems to have a fantastic grasp on the subject matter) Is that being 'hurt' too? Maybe instead of patronising people who have actually met these sorts and telling them what 'belittles" THEIR experiences, you could just listen.

Anyway, sorry op we've all derailed your topic a bit. Just irks me when people complain about misuse of the word when it a. Could be relevant
And b. Could help raise awareness either way.

I'm sure you'll know enough by now with us all b*tching about it to make an informed decision though haha. And either way he doesn't seem like the nicest guy, get on tinder like your pal and find yourself a hottie ;)