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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so so stupid

104 replies

Loveyou3000 · 22/08/2019 21:39

Have been with my boyfriend for a year, he lived with me for 6 months whilst in between jobs and moved into his own room in a house he shares with another bloke a few months ago as we aren't really at that point yet, to be living together long term especially when we both have kids.

He's become a huge part of my DD's life. We've had a few issues but things have been fine for the past few months.

My friend and I were going through her Tinder, after a few glasses of wine and came across my boyfriend's best friend, and I jokingly said swipe right, she did and they matched. Straight away she said 'I'm (boyfriend)'s girlfriend's best friend!' he replied with "so you are friends with Jess?". My name is not Jess. Nothing even close to Jess.

I immediately called him and asked who Jess was, he became defensive, called me "schitz" and told me to not contact him again.

I really don't know what to make of this. His excuse was his ex is named Jess, but they haven't been together for years, since then he has had another relationship with a woman for 3 years, and they have a child together. Then they split and we have been together ever since. I have met this best friend multiple times and he is aware of my name and who I am. He also claims that he just doesn't talk to his friends about me... As I'm typing this I realise how utterly stupid I have been. He doesn't have me on Facebook, either.
I know I wasn't being unreasonable in asking him about this, I'm just a bit confused not sure it's sunk in yet.

Picture of the Tinder exchange. Apologies for the bad blurring have limited tools on my phone. Sorry if this is all over the place, my head is a mess. I feel really stupid.

I feel so so stupid
OP posts:
Original poster
Loveyou3000 · 22/08/2019 22:33

I'm not schizophrenic, to clear that up!

We both have one daughter each, I've met her and our children play together they're similar ages. My DD adores him, but she does have a very involved dad and won't be totally devastated by him not being around anymore I hope.

We have been together for about a year now @Letitbegin

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 22/08/2019 22:37

Yep, he was busted and tried to make you the problem by calling you names. That doesn't mean he is a narcissist. He's a man who got caught out and reacted out of shock and anger.

Original poster
Loveyou3000 · 22/08/2019 22:39

I sent him a WhatsApp saying

If this were the other way around and you mentioned to someone you knew was my friend that you were Loveyou's boyfriend and they said " oh you must be Alex/James/Martin etc.!" you'd probably chase that up too".
Had no reply.

Oddly feeling quite calm about it, it is what it is, if he has been cheating, it can't be undone. If not, his reaction to me asking isn't on. I'm a student so about to be really busy again in a few weeks which will take my mind of things if this really is the end

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveyou3000 · 22/08/2019 22:40

Not sure he's a narcissist but he is quite immature for someone his age

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/08/2019 22:46

Op...why are you even giving "immature for his age" men the time of day ?

You have a daughter to think of. Don't inflict these dickheads on her.

FairyDust92 · 22/08/2019 22:48

It's always fishy when someone won't have you on their social media 🙄

Original poster
Loveyou3000 · 22/08/2019 22:58

@AnyFucker Lord knows, you're totally right, he's 8 years older than I am as well.

I have blocked him now. His friend's response to my friend saying "how is it a fun joke to ruin your best friend's relationship?" was "if anything it's your fault for telling her", which is... Well speaks for itself! She's unmatched him on Tinder, of course.

OP posts:
fandabbyfannyflutters · 22/08/2019 23:01

He lives with you but told you not to contact him again?

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 22/08/2019 23:02

He’s obsessed with FB yet won’t have you on his after a year? Guck that. Big red flag right there.

And his reaction to your question? Second big 🚩

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 22/08/2019 23:02

Fuck. Not guck.

areukiddingme · 22/08/2019 23:03

Maybe his mate was purposely been a dick and fully knows who you are but likes making trouble.

Letstalkabout6 · 22/08/2019 23:06

Maybe he’s gay and in a relationship with other bloke?

C0untDucku1a · 22/08/2019 23:08

Op youre doing the right thing. Immature and yelled at you for asking what his friend meant. Even if he hasnt cheated, he is an arse.

Wildorchidz · 22/08/2019 23:10

Ah that old chestnut - your daughter ‘adores’ him.
So what are you going to tell her? How are you going to explain to her that you’ve dumped him?
And for her sake maybe try to make sure that the next man you get involved with doesn’t get to the adoration stage.

Original poster
Loveyou3000 · 22/08/2019 23:37

@fandabbyfannyflutters lived with me for 6 months but moved out a few months ago, he was only staying here as he quit his job, got another job and then quit that one as it didn't work out so couldn't afford to live by himself for a while. It worked for a bit and then it didn't as he wasn't contributing evenly and it was causing a few problems, we were fine when he moved out

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveyou3000 · 22/08/2019 23:43

@Wildorchidz ah she will be fine! She is very fond of him but as he hasn't lived with us in a while, I'm sure it'll go over her head. She is only 3 and a half and has a dad who is very present and active in her life so doesn't lean on him as a father figure. We don't kiss or cuddle infront of her so it should be no different to her missing my friend who stayed with us for a few months whilst she was in between places. She's not aware of relationships as such I don't think so I won't need to explain anything to her. She's also not here as it isn't my night so hasn't seen me get upset at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveyou3000 · 22/08/2019 23:47

@areukiddingme he has messaged my friend back and said as much, my friend has also spoken to my now ex and he thinks we are overreacting over a "joke".

I don't find it funny, joke or not. Really think it's bloody stupid, and I no longer feel stupid about the situation for the record, just amazed that grown men a year off the age of 30 think it's remotely amusing at all. He's told me he's done anyway, which says enough

OP posts:
springydaff · 23/08/2019 00:25

You caught him cheating.

Plus he was a cocklodger in your house for 6 months.

You're SO well rid.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 23/08/2019 07:00

I'd be willing to bet he is a narc but either way he's emotionally abusive and you need to get your DD away from his ASAP. There are so many warning signs here and he's using every tactic in the abuser handbook.

Unable/unwilling to hold down a job and cocklodging = entitlement and irresponsibility

Moving in early during the relationship = lovebombing

Put downs disguised as jokes/calling you crazy/ breaking up with you if you ask too many questions = gaslighting and devaluing

Immature = all narcs are immature

Going on dating sites when in a relationship and not letting you see his FB = triangulation and cheating.

Your gut instinct is telling you something is off

They might not all cheat but they all triangulate (some withhold sex as a form of control). This one is definitely cheating though. Innocent people dont react like that OP

My narc used to spend all weekends and most week nights with me and was cheating prolifically. His friends covered his whereabouts too.

I really suggest you read up on this as it could save you alot of pain in the future if you learn how to spot them early. You said you had other issues in your relationship in the past. What were they?

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 23/08/2019 07:05

Oh and his anger when you rang him = narc rage. They cant handle even the slightest criticism (real or perceived). You catching on to his lies means you have seen through his facade and he cant handle it.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 23/08/2019 07:10

and him not contributing equally when you lived together = entitlement and lack of emapthy (he doesnt give a shit that you are taking on the majority of the bills/housework)

loutypips · 23/08/2019 07:13

If he lived with you and had since moved out, surely that tells you a lot?
There's no way I'd have a man move in with me that quickly when there are children involved. That's just asking for trouble.
Could he be living with another woman? Very odd reaction from him when confronted. Smacks of guilt to me.

OhHimAgain · 23/08/2019 07:30

He isn't a 'narc' - ridiculous overuse of that word on MN!

He's just an immature man who either got caught out cheating and reacted childishly or he's an immature man with an idiotic best friend who reacted childishly.

Either way, you're better off out of it.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 23/08/2019 08:40

@OhHimAgain "He isn't a 'narc' - ridiculous overuse of that word on MN!"

I actually think its underused generally because people think its only about having a big ego and bragging. It is far more complex than that and they all are capable of having a 'good side' which is a facade they can keep up for a very long time. If 10% of the population are narcs (mostly undiagnosed) then there is a significant chance he is one. Both of us dont know either way but I still think it's worth OP investigating (and I would suggest everyone learns the signs because these people are everywhere including friends, family, coworkers etc)

Some may argue it's not unimportant to 'label' someone but it's useful to know if you are with one so you can pre empt the abuse tactics they use (many listed here by OP) and know that they will never change. Nearly all abusive people are narcissistic by definition because they are willing to abuse someone else for their own gains and dont care how that impacts the other person.

How did I know that he didnt contribute equally when they lived together before the OP even said that (see my first post). Because all relationships with narcs are unequal and this is so so common when living with one. Normal people do not lovebomb, take advantage financially, lie, cheat etc but narcs do.

Yes he's immature but ask yourself why? There are always reasons people behave the way they do and he is not only immature but also hugely entitled and lacks empathy which is pretty much the definition of a narc.

The OP hasnt answered my other questions up thread but I bet the answer to most of them is yes.

OP, here's another good video that's worth a watch

Learning about narc abuse changed my life and I've been with so many now, I know pretty much every trick in the book. This is play by play a narcissistic relationship

Him breaking up with you OP is the discard

And please don't feel stupid. These people are master manipulators and sell you a con in the beginning. Its painful to accept you weren't with who you thought you were but it's better to live in reality rather than shrouded by manipulation and lies.

Pinkbonbon · 23/08/2019 08:51

I agree, the word isn't used enough. We make excuses for un-empathetic behaviour that we shouldn't make because normal people consider the feelings of those they love.

Here's the thing, that whole calling her schitz thing... That isn't a normal human reaction. Attacking someone who you are supposed to love (and dumping them) for asking for reassurance/clarification...Is disorderd behaviour. We can wrap it up in a 'oh he's just immature' bubble all we like but, there's something not right there. Not that that means NPD but it certainly displays a shocking lack of empathy. Its cold and cruel.

But yes, either way, she is well shot.