Divorce, children and the house

[Cantsleep22]

My husband walked out me and my two children (6 and 8 months) 2 weeks ago. He is already asking for a divorce and says I can have the house if u can afford the mortgage. On paper I can with benefits, child maintenance, my wage. My question is would a mortgage company look at all Incomings or just my wage? If it’s just my wage there is no way I can get a mortgage. We’ve only been here 1 year, have 255,000 left to pay. Is there anyway I can contact the mortgage lender, explain the situation and they let me drop to an interest only mortgage? I have no idea which way to turn with this. Is there a reason he has acted so quickly to get a divorce? If I agree to the divorce does this affect any rights I have over the house? We jointly own it 50/50

Move this to legal, I'd say - and get yourself a "shit hot lawyer." You need practical legal advice, not feminist advice (there are of course many many feminist discussions to be had on divorce and its financial implications, and the intersection with the wider issues of women's economic position and status - but I don't think those rather more esoteric discussions are what you need right now).

In general I think (am not a lawyer) it's hard to force the partner doing the bulk of the child rearing out of the family home if the non-resident partner can financially afford to contribute to the mortgage as part of their child support - but if they can't financially do this I think the court can order a house sale. Only a lawyer can advise.

Certainly go to your mortgage company in the short term to make sure arrangements are in place such that they know what the situation is and can make any allowances for payment holidays and the like that are possible (and don't get you into crippling debt) while the legal issues are sorted out. They will certainly take guaranteed sources of income into account like government child benefit - I don't know what calculations they'll be prepared to base on child maintenance which your ex should pay but may well in practice renege on.

Your husband has a responsibility to provide a roof over the heads of his children.

You will get support here but you need legal advice pronto. Get a lawyer.

The speed at which he is asking makes me think he wants to start a new life probably with someone else.

Do not agree to anything, he doesn't get to up and leave without going through the process and you need to arm yourself with information.

I'm so sorry this is happening, focus on the children.

There is a divorce/separation board in the Body and Soul section of talk; you may get better advice there. You can ask MN to move your thread. Hope you get some answers.

Don’t agree to anything
Get proper legal advice ideally from a recommended lawyer

Handing over the responsibility and mortgage payments for a house that you have only just bought and therefore have years left to pay for isn’t exactly a golden egg. Equally selling up that early on will end of costing loads in stamp and expenses.

You need to think all this through slowly so don’t rush into accepting anything.

Just tell him it will be the lawyers to advise.

If he is the only earner and the kids are young then he will pay more than basic maintenance.

Hope you have emotional support in place

One other thing - by leaving the way he has, with no warning, completely out of the blue, he has already demonstrated that the only person he cares about is himself, not you or the kids. It is therefore highly unlikely that he is in the slightest bit interested in a fair settlement - he only cares about what is easiest and most financially beneficial for him.

So do not take a word he says at face value. He will be trying to pull the wool over your eyes and rush you into signing paperwork that will royally screw you over. Which is why you need a really good lawyer.

Go and see a family lawyer, they will often do a free (or fairly low fixed cost) first consultation. He will have to pay maintenance towards the upkeep of his children. It’s really shit, I’m sorry this has happened

My problem is I am on unpaid maternity leave so I can’t afford a solicitor. I have been for an free half hour consultation but all they suggested was mediation. I have no idea what to do. If we sell up I still won’t have enough to get another mortgage on my own. I have given 10 years of my life to this man, given up a career to raise the children (I work part time) and he pays me like this. I am angry hurt and confused

Yes there are mortgage providers which take benefits and maintenance into account - might be Lloyd's but not sure. You'll have to do some research or speak to a broker.

Okay, start making a list of practical plans. Work on the assumption that he is intending to screw you over.

1. Contact mortgage company. Firstly so they know what the situation is and don't start repossession proceedings if a payment is missed (wouldn't put it past your husband to pull the plug on his monthly payment especially if he hasn't got much equity tied up in the house). And second so they can do an affordability calculation for you.

1. Get in touch with your employer about going back to work now. You may find it hard to afford your full twelve months, and certainly four more months with your baby now at the cost of a whole childhood of poverty for both children because you couldn't afford a lawyer seems like a bad trade off to me. (Full disclosure - I am a single parent who went back to work when DS was 8 months for financial reasons).

1. Post in relationships with a thread asking how much solicitor's fees came to for women who have got divorced recently. Then budget accordingly. (Bank loan, loan from relatives, etc.)

1. By all means look into mediation, but this is only likely to work well for you if you are both fair and reasonable.

Unfortunately mediation is the only way if you can’t talk it out and come to an agreement. If it has to go to court then you have to have attempted mediation beforehand, and have a signed mediation certificate from the mediator.

You can get mediation for nothing if your income is below a certain threshold but the certificate is still £120 if it fails.

The first thing though is to get good solid legal advice. Unfortunately solicitors costs are pretty huge if you want to instruct.

I have been well and truly fucked over by my ex so I sympathise. In my case I had to leave the house because he was violent and abusive, and to even suggest it be him that leaves would normally end in assault. He still lives in our house with his new partner, he’s lost his job because of alcoholism and now I can’t even force a sale through the court because the judge thinks his housing needs are being met. I’m a disabled single parent raising our DS with zero support from him, either financial, practical or emotional and we’ve had to move 3 times in 6 years.It has been utterly miserable and it’s cost me pretty much all I have in legal costs.

Get good solid legal advice and make sure you follow through on all the steps. Rights Of Women are good if you call their helpline but it takes a bit of patients. Good luck.

Beg borrow and crowdfund for a solicitor. Do whatever you have to. It will be the best investment you make. Do not let him "inform" you what he wants or will do. Get someone else to tell you what you should do and listen to them.

If I agree to the divorce does this affect any rights I have over the house? We jointly own it 50/50

If he's going for a divorce so soon after separation, sounds like it'll be based on allegations of unreasonable behaviour on your part towards him (or adultery but doesn't sound like it). Provided that the allegations aren't too serious, then it wouldn't affect any rights to a fair settlement. ( Serious enough would mean very serious - Judges talk of the Gasp response being needed before such 'conduct' is taken into account.)

Was also going to suggest Rights of Women

rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Are you ok OP? I've been thinking of you so checking in.

Thank you for your reply. It’s all gone sour since I last posted. He’s pressuring me to get the house valued. It’s only been 2.5 weeks since he walked out! I said he needs to give me time. Ideally I need until I go back to work to sort out finances. There’s another issue which is to do with his drinking. I have discovered since we have been separated that he drinks in a morning. I have camera footage of him getting lager from the boot of his car at 7am. I also have found empty cans of lager in his wardrobe and behind his bedside table before but never put two and two together. I know legally I can’t but I have said I don’t want him to drive the children until he sorts his drinking problem out. He wanted me to take the children on a 27 mile round trip on Saturday so he could take them to a specific leisure centre. I refused and said I’d take them to the nearest one as I obviously have to watch what petrol I am using now I have no income. This has snowballed into a huge row and has ended up in him telling me he’s calling the estate agents and he’s going to use his equity in the house for solicitors to fight me over access to the kids. He sees them 3 times a week! I think I am being more than fair. It’s just a huge mess and I’m not sure how to fix it. A Mesher is my ideal outcome but not sure if a judge would grant me a 4 bed house with 40k equity? How do I find a really good solicitor?

Ok he can't use the equity in the house to fight you as he has to sell the house first and to do that he needs to have the divorce all wrapped up. Duh!

He talking out of his arse, don't listen to a word of it. Don't do anything but find a lawyer. Get in the relationships thread and get reading. Can you look for family lawyers in your area? My sis is getting divorced and hasn't paid the bill for months so maybe there are some that settle at the end but it will be expensive. It doesn't sound like mediation is the way forward as he isn't going to be fair to you.

Has he asked about the kids at all? Keep the camera footage. I'm not experienced in this at all but I think this will be useful when fighting for custody.

Do you have family support? Don't bow to the pressure, square your shoulders and don't let the bastard get away with this.

There is a reason why this has happened so rapidly, if there was truly no build up.

Divorced take ages, don't let him rush you.

Might help

www.legalombudsman.org.uk/downloads/documents/publications/Using-a-divorce-lawyer-ten-helpful-tips.pdf

And this

www.lawsociety.org.uk/for-the-public/common-legal-issues/getting-a-divorce/

Deep breaths xx

From the law society page's FAQ document:
"You have to show there are good reasons to end your marriage and these are:
adultery
unreasonable behaviour
desertion
you've lived apart for more than 2 years and both agree to the divorce
you've lived apart for more than 5 years even if one of you disagrees with the divorce."

So basically he can go whistle. He can't unilaterally divorce you (case law has already established "I don't want to stay married but my partner won't let me get a divorce" is not unreasonable behaviour).

I suspect there's a bloody good reason he's suddenly bailing on the marriage. There's a whole lot you haven't got to the bottom of yet.

and don't let the bastard rush you into anything. Remember he can bluster all he likes, but he has no power to force you into anything. Do not sign anything. Do not agree to anything. If he threatens you over the children just say "see you in court."

Thank you for those. I’ve had a look through the local solicitors and found one that specialises in divorce and property. I just hope they are good, this is the thing unless you are recommended how do you know if they are going to be helpful and knowledgable?

I just wish I didn’t have to be tied to this man for the next 18 years. The man I loved, trusted and would do anything for 3 weeks ago has turned into someone I don’t recognise. I can’t help but think there is someone else, I have asked him and of course he has denied it. I do know he is going to the gym every day since we separated but how would I ever find out or prove if there was someone else. I could genuinely run away right now if it weren’t for my beautiful children 😫

He can take loan or line of credit out on house equity to pay solicitor.

Also, unless child arrangement order by court, he can take kids and keep them.
You need solicitor. Use credit card if have to.

Do you know of he has a pension?

40k equality could easily be offset by any pension he has. There is a good chance more if it would be sighed over to you given the young age of the child.

Do you have family nearby? I think you need practical and emotional support.

Might be worth you reporting your post and ask to be moved to legal or relationships boards.

And if it couldn’t get any worse I think I have found the other woman. A work colleague. He had his works do a little while back and was acting strange hiding a new shirt in his car. He said he thought I would go mad that he had bought a new shirt. I have messaged the other woman a very polite message appealing to her better nature. I have also messaged H. He’s read my message but no reply. If it weren’t true in my eyes he would have denied it by now. I feel some relief that I haven’t been going made but I also feel psychically sick to think this has been going on without me knowing

Sorry to hear that - though it was the obvious explanation. Explains why the little shire's in such a rush to get his mitts on the family assets - you and the children have been mentally shifted from his "my family" box into his "obstacles in the way of me playing happy families with my new squeeze" box. The mAn's a steaming pile of ordure

Which of course doesn't help you - even though your head's probably able to see him for the shit he is, it's only three weeks since the man you loved pulled this stunt, so I guess your heart won't have caught up.

But at least you know: don't sign anything, don't agree to anything. He can't force you to. As I suggested upthread, your first priority is to get a bit of financial independence so you can afford a lawyer - so when you feel mentally able, go and see your employer about returning from maternity leave early.