Divorce, children and the house

[Cantsleep22]

My husband walked out me and my two children (6 and 8 months) 2 weeks ago. He is already asking for a divorce and says I can have the house if u can afford the mortgage. On paper I can with benefits, child maintenance, my wage. My question is would a mortgage company look at all Incomings or just my wage? If it’s just my wage there is no way I can get a mortgage. We’ve only been here 1 year, have 255,000 left to pay. Is there anyway I can contact the mortgage lender, explain the situation and they let me drop to an interest only mortgage? I have no idea which way to turn with this. Is there a reason he has acted so quickly to get a divorce? If I agree to the divorce does this affect any rights I have over the house? We jointly own it 50/50

If you have/find any details of his pension or savings, keep a note. It is common for men in this situation to deny having a second pension fund or shares or savings and it will be up to you to remember and ask for half (via your solicitor)

I have proof of a pension and he pays into a savings scheme. He gets a bonus each year too.

So just as I think I am feeling stronger dd asks to call daddy last night. He answers, she asks where he is and he says his “friends” house. She asks which friend but he avoids the question. He’s crying down the phone saying how much he misses her and her baby sister. He’s asking what they are doing and she tells him his youngest daughter said “hello” for the first time today and he breaks down. Now I can understand how heartbroken he must be to not be with his children but how can he really care that much then be at another woman’s house in bank holiday weekend when he should be at home with him children. I feel sick to the stomach. I spent all last night wondering what they are up to, are they sleeping together? Is this why he wants a quick divorce, are they planning on getting married. I know thinking like this isn’t healthy but I am alone in the family home with our old life while he is swanning off doing this. How can he do this to us? I just don’t know how to cope with all this

This is the rollercoaster, days when you think you might survive followed by times when you feel so low.

Adulterers seem to view themselves as victims. His script will be...he was so unhappy that he had to have an affair and now he is so sad because he had to leave the children so of course he can have a drink. Silly OW probadly sees his tears as genuine affection for his children, whereas a decent man would not leave his family without working through issues first.

Each step of the separation/divorce will feel painful, I had an abusive marriage but didn't celebrate getting the Absolute as it was not what I hoped for (but definitely needed).
You have to go through all the steps but you will get out the other side.

It will be painful to think of him living happily with OW, it will hurt to leave your children with him, it will make you angry when he is so unreasonable over finances and doesn't put your children first BUT each step is temporary and the emotion doesn't last forever. Long term you will see he is the Loser as selfish & weak.

You will find strategies, maybe yoga, going for a quiet walk (I would drive to local woods and sit in a remote area sobbing at how cruel Ex became) or just venting on here or to a good friend.

Take care of yourself, try to eat well, avoid alcohol as it's a depressive and get as much support as you can.

I have given up my career to work part time and then now he’s reached the peak of his career he thinks he deserves more than me

A very highly qualified & top professional friend of mine did this - and in the divorce settlement, her SHL (ShitHotLawyer) "opened the bidding" (as it were) for the settlement at 70% v 30% ie my friend should get 70% of marital property because of what she'd given up in the marriage: that is, raised a child, and moved to an area where she cold not practise her profession full-time. She lost out on salary, and pension.

Do NOT settle for no child maintenance. You should get much more than that in a property & maintenance settlement.

I’ll see on Tuesday what the solicitor says I am entitled to ....

OP, I’ve been on MN for about 10 years and this is extremely fucked up. What the HELL! You must be so so so stressed and confused. I’m sorry that you are going through this, it’s going to rain ashes on his head one day soon. You’ll however rise like a Phoenix from those ashes. Stay strong, you are not alone.

Thank you. Glad I’m not going mad. I just keep going over the past and trying to work out when all this started. He’s been working 6 days a week for a long time. Late nights etc. I don’t know. I thought I would see the signs. Why is she denying it started before he left me and why would she go near him if he told her we had only just split. What kind of woman goes near an emotionally unavailable man. I just feel sick to the stomach and literally want to run away from life. My beautiful children are all that’s keeping me going

What a great bloke he is. Don't do anything until you've spoken to a solicitor.

Just an update. Ex has messaged me last two days asking if I’ve had the house valued. I’ve ignored him. Had a solicitors appointment and she said he can’t pressure me to sell the house. He will have to start legal proceedings and obviously on paper he is earning way more than my nothing at the moment. (56k vs 0k!) I have also contacted my mortgage advisor who also said he should be paying the mortgage until I am back at work and can afford to move out/take over the mortgage. Following the solicitors meeting I messaged him the following:

I have no income. I am on unpaid maternity leave. I can not afford to move elsewhere or pay the mortgage here. You have a legal obligation with the mortgage company and to provide a roof over the heads of the children. I am not going to be selling the house until I return to work and I can work my finances out then and what’s best for me and our children. Now that is the last I have to discuss with you about he house. Please don’t message me again

His reply was “This is ridiculous I’m getting the house valued end of”

Of course I know he can’t do anything even if he has had the house valued but the whole thing is stressing me out to the point I’ve had to book a doctors appointment. I have two young children so life is stressful enough without this worry in top. I’m not eating or sleeping. How can he or OW think that him doing this to us is ok. How is he expecting us to live. There is £17 in the joint account and he hasn’t even asked if I need any money for food whilst he takes his OW out. How can any man do this to his children.

He’s a prick. Remember you are fighting for what your children deserve. It’s all about them and you appear to have their best interests at heart not him.

I was just thinking about you OP, your message was brilliant and he's a dick. He just isn't the man you thought he was and it must tear you apart but I guess you have to grieve that loss as he's not a good man.

Don't respond again, just don't engage in a back and forth argument on text message. The only reason to be in contact is for visitation for the kids, and again I would arrange for that to be out of the home (if that's possible and legal, he still owns the house, well the mortgage company does but he has keys and rights unfortunately). Try to meet in a neutral place and have him experiencing solo parenting.

What is the situation with the finances seeing as you have little £ to feed the kids? Do you get the child benefit sent to the joint account? Have you got a joint credit card?

I haven't been through this so others will be along soon but do get help and advice and look after your health.

If he gets an agent round to value the house you don't have to answer the door.

Oh and well done for meeting the solicitor. I imagine this feels surreal and scary. Take it step by step.

Oh and nytol one a night are my recent discovery. Do eat and do some meditation or something to help you sleep. Easier said than done I know but please take care of yourself.

He is meant to see the children tomorrow and I still don’t know what the arrangements are. He is obviously busy tonight and we all what he’s busy doing. The first couple of weeks he would txt every day asking how they were and to tell them he loves/misses them. Now I get nothing of the sort. His priority now is selling the house to release himself from the mortgage. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that and he faces at least 4 months of paying the bills. He usually pays money into a joint account to cover mortgage and bills. He gets paid on Friday so we will see what he is intending to do. The mortgage goes out on Monday. I just hope he does the right thing and pays the amount in that he usually does and this covers food. The child benefit goes into this account too. I do have some savings, which he doesn’t know about, so do all he knows we don’t have anything for food shopping. I have put a claim in for universal credit but won’t receive this until end of September

Does he have parents, so they know? Have you got family?

If his salary goes in on Friday do a big food shop and stock the freezer and the cupboards ASAP. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly someone's priorities shift, he should be talking to the kids every day.

Yes all his family know but seem to be supporting him, he is staying with parents. His mother is the type who would support him no matter what he did wrong.

Yes I have family who are supporting me through this. Although I do still feel very alone even with company.

I was planning on doing a big shop on Friday too. I think he will try to just pay the mortgage. Has and elec, water and broadband are in my names. I have changed council tax to single occupancy also so now in my name. I think he may try to avoid paying those. I’m spending yet another night letting my mind wander to what they are doing. I just can’t seem to switch off. I’m going to see a very well respected psychic tomorrow. I know not everyone believes in all that but I think it may help bring me some peace and strength

Well I was right, he’s now saying he’s only going to pay the mortgage and I need to write a list of things the kids need and he will buy those but he won’t pay any of the bills or give me money for food. He’s trying to force me to put the house up for sale. I actually hate him. So now I am faced with £900 worth of bills. He also won’t agree to paying any child maintenance which I was willing to forego in lieu of him lying the bills just this month until I get my universal credits end of September. I think i am going to have to swallow my pride and go back to work so I don’t need to rely on the poor excuse for a man any longer. How he cannot see this is affecting the kids and he spiting then I do not know. He knows I am on unpaid maternity leave, how does he actually expect me to live.

What has your solicitor said about interim financial ancillary relief. You need that in place

Get onto CMS now and get maintenance for the DC, he will still need to pay the mortgage anyway!

Could you advertise for a lodger - there is a tax free limit of about £80 per week for renting out a room in your home.

@Cantsleep22. My husband did the same 8 weeks ago. First thing I did was open a bank account in my own name, and then phoned child benefit office and changed bank details. Phone the council back and tell them you are claiming UC, but that until it’s processed you have no funds. I did this and found out they have council tax support available, as well as single person rate. It has knocked the bill down considerably. Put in a claim for CMS immediately. My husband left us with nothing, he shoved £20 through the door and said we didn’t need anything else because he knew what was in the cupboards (because a car obviously runs on cornflakes, knob)
Do you have a joint account? We do, and I transferred funds over at midnight when he got paid, not all, just enough for food, fuel etc. I didn’t care if the joint account went overdrawn, I couldn’t afford to pay it off anyway, but my husband needs to keep a good credit rating for the future.
He needs to pay the mortgage, it really is that simple, so don’t worry about a roof over your heads for now. Don’t worry about getting the house valued, he can’t force it at this stage. In my case I have put the house up for sale, but I can’t work due to ill health so I could never afford to keep the house long term. Don’t make any rash decisions, you need to take your time (says me who did everything in the first week 😂)
There are some schemes available to help with gas/electric/water but I don’t know much about how you apply or qualify.
Just remember he is ahead of you with regard to detaching, you are playing catch up, but you will catch up, and quickly.
Block him from your phone. I set up an email account, he was advised to only correspond via that, and I would try only to look at it once a day.
We are more civil now, but it hurts like hell to think what him and the OW we’re doing while I was at home. Luckily my children are teenagers so I don’t have to facilitate contact with him, and he hasn’t made much effort to see them.
I was up and down initially, hated him but loved him at the same time. It is getting easier, but only because I am having counselling and learning to focus on the things I can control, I cant control his but I can control how I respond, and I can control his method of communication.
Take every bit of help offered to you (that was hard for me). A friend and her mum came and cleaned the house for me. It had all gotten on top of me and I was overwhelmed, but now I can keep it lovely.
Good luck

I have applied for child maintenance but it can take up to 6 weeks. They wavered the £20 fee when I explained what a mess I’m in. I can’t sort anything really because he’s only let me know all of this this evening and the gas/elec, water, council tax, tv licence and mortgage go out in Monday. Only thing I can do is ring mortgage company tomorrow and see if they will defer the payment for a month and the money he pays in for the mortgage will cover the rest of the bills. I literally have no other ideas. He’s said to write a list of what the girls need so here I am writing down 4 x bananas, 2 x loaves of bread, 2 pints of milk. Why not just give me £100 for food so I can get it myself and where do I draw the line. I need washing powder to wash their clothes but he won’t pay the gas and electric bill to cover me washing them. It’s all about control and it’s such an ugly trait. I never thought he would stoop so low. As if having an affair hasn’t hurt me enough. I honestly feel like he hates me

You might be able to get a mortgage holiday - on my mortgage you can take up to three times two months mortgage holiday over the lifetime of the mortgage. I took two months when I was on maternity leave and last summer when I had to pay court fees.

Put the bloody gas and electric on the list of things the kids need! He has a responsibility to you too, you are married and you are on mat leave. Does he want the mother of his children to starve? Just do the weekly shop (and then some) as normal on the joint account. He can't take you off the account or take your card away. He not the boss, just because he earns the money, you facilitated his career. Don't let him take the piss.

Honestly I'm wondering now if he is making you hate him it is a tactic to speed things up and ask for less from him, to reduce what you ask for, to reduce the time you have to talk and sell the house.

I like the idea of having an email account and not going through the phone all the time too. You need some control over the communication so you can choose when to attend to it and not have it as an immediate interruption that requires an immediate response.

Don't be bullied because you're hurting. He does not get to choose.

Phone the council on Monday, council tax bill will go down by 25% if you are the only adult occupier. So sorry you are going through this OP, I've been there and every time I thought he couldn't stoop any lower he did. Please block him from your phone, I told my ex I would only be communicating with him through a solicitor got a new number and blocked him. Best thing I could have done, he had a lot less to say when it was costing him £200 a time to say it! Plus all his meanness was written down and presented to the judge in court (a particular highlight being that his daughters pony had to be sold to pay his credit card bill)
He got awarded £24k in our financial settlement, cost him £30k in legal fees
I got £200k and the entire contents of the house (daughter got to keep her pony) I even got his car, the judge took a very dim view of him.
It does get better OP I promise, he's not your friend anymore, mine thought he could keep on controlling me. He thought wrong, I was fighting for my children and what they needed. They haven't spoken to him for 4 years. Wonder if he thinks his little fling was worth it?

@Japanesejazz

OP, will find out what an ideal situation will be for her when she sees a lawyer. Ideal situations don’t always happen but it will let her know what to expect at best.

There’s really nothing to be inferred from other people’s situations /stories. We don’t know all the very ins and outs

Have you looked at the entitledto website? Should work out what you are entitled to at the moment, and make sure you claim everything else.

My god he’s an enormous cunt!