Divorce, children and the house

[Cantsleep22]

My husband walked out me and my two children (6 and 8 months) 2 weeks ago. He is already asking for a divorce and says I can have the house if u can afford the mortgage. On paper I can with benefits, child maintenance, my wage. My question is would a mortgage company look at all Incomings or just my wage? If it’s just my wage there is no way I can get a mortgage. We’ve only been here 1 year, have 255,000 left to pay. Is there anyway I can contact the mortgage lender, explain the situation and they let me drop to an interest only mortgage? I have no idea which way to turn with this. Is there a reason he has acted so quickly to get a divorce? If I agree to the divorce does this affect any rights I have over the house? We jointly own it 50/50

@Japanesejazz

OP has seen a lawyer, see up-thread.

Advice and other peoples experiences can be useful to the OP, I'm sure she can work out herself to do what is best for herself and for her kids. We are all just here to support.

Personally I have no experience of this to share that would be helpful but I saw this thread and couldn't read and run. I have checked back in as the OP has been on my mind and I've wanted to see how she is doing.

@Cantsleep22 I hope you are looking after yourself and are managing to sleep and eat. Fill the cupboards and stock the freezer on the weekly shop and I hope you manage some nice activities with the kids or see you family this weekend.

I managed to take over my mortgage and buy my ex out.....but.... I did have to get my step brother to pretend he was on the mortgage too....because even tho I had been paying it on my own for a year the mortgage company wouldn't lend to me on my own....

I work part time, have 2 boys, and they did take all benefits and child maintenance etc into account....so it depends how much you earn on top of that!

But it is possible....I was lucky enough I have the most amazing mortgage adviser and she did everything to help me buy him out

Good luck xx

Can'tsleep how are you today? I'm sorry you are in this situation but he's shown you who he really is & he's not your friend. As hard as this is now, it would get worse if he stayed. All cheaters have the same script and he's following it to a tee. Don't allow him to rush you, take your time & use your anger to move forward. Copy his payslips and pension info if you can find it as you will need this. As for using the children, he can get stuffed. The footage of him drinking cans from the car will put paid to that. As others have said, shit hot lawyer and don't allow him to bully you. Ignore the other woman - she's irrelevant really. Worth doing the freedom programme online and reading about the cheaters script & how to deal with it on chumplady.com. if you can, only speak to him regarding the children and solicitors can deal with the divorce. I hope you have support irl as it's bloody awful but you will be ok.

So I did a food shop and he refused to buy any toiletries on the list. I asked how I was going to wash the kids clothes or bath them or keep their home clean. He also missed off a few food items and when I pointed them out said I needed to return to work. I replied and said I am looking after our baby!

I messaged him last night asking if he was going to put any money into the joint account for today as the mortgage and other bills are due out. He said yes but only if you will drop the kids off at my moms. I said yes that’s fine but can you promise me you won’t drive them please. He decided on Saturday he didn’t need to adhere to my wishes following legal advice and dropped them off himself. He says I am controlling him and have no leg to stand on as he has never been charged for any alcohol related offences. I will not back down so he says he won’t pay the mortgage. He also won’t pay any joint bills so I have had family giving me money to cover those. Low and behold this morning the bank account is overdrawn in excess of £700 I use the last of my savings to stop any charges on the account. He messages me a few hours later and says what’s happening I was going to pay the money in. I say well can you pay it in now please so I can put it back into my savings and he says only if you bring the kids to my moms. I say I will as long as you won’t drive them. He’s now booked a mediation session and says I don’t have a leg to stand on as if I thought he was a danger I wouldn’t let him have the kids at all.

I am now really panicking about mediation. I can’t claim legal aid until my universal credit application goes through. Do I actually have any leg to stand on where the kids are concerned?

He also says he doesn’t need to pay the mortgage and child maintenance. Is this correct? If he has a financial interest in the house I.e any equity from the sale the surely he should still pay the mortgage. Also maintenance as I am not earning a penny

He has to pay maintenance for the DC.

If he chooses to not pay the mortgage the house could get repossessed and it will against his credit rating etc. Have you spoken to the lender to see if they will give a payment holiday?

What did your solicitor say

I think you really need to get the ball rolling have you done Cms etc

Is the account overdrawn the joint account

He doesn’t have to pay the mortgage.

He has to pay child maintenance as you have the children more than 50%.

It may go against his credit score not to pay but if you were to continue living there you would need to pay for the mortgage without his support as he is no longer living there.

Moreover, he should WANT to house his kids for a short time while you get ready to go back to work.

Firstly, finances and DC are completely separate issues as far as the courts are concerned.

In terms of finances, you need legal advice but the reality is that, like many single parents, you will need to return to work sooner than you would like. He legally has to pay CM and you will have to come to some agreement regarding the house. At the moment, he is using money as a means of control so you want to try and close that down.

In terms of the DC, again you need legal advice. I think your ex does have a point that if you thought he was a serious danger to DC, you would not be allowing contact. However that puts you straightaway into a court situation and you can argue that contact at his mother’s is supervised contact and it is better for the DC to see their father than not. But you do need to decide whether you think he is a risk or not. If you are happy for DC to be at his mother’s, then you should have a consistent contact schedule and the DC should not be used by him as leverage for if and when he gives you money.

If you are going to mediation, you need to be clear about what outcome is best for the children. Take legal advice before you go in and make sure you have your points written down.

As Solo said if you're going to mediation you need to have everything written down and I would ask for more than which you expect to receive as you will need room to negotiate.

It will cost you to talk to the lawyers again but it will be worth seeking their advice on this before a meeting, if you decide to go to mediation. As a PP said it only really works when both parties are reasonable and fair and he's currently fighting over toiletries and cleaning products and though he will pay for food to feed his kids he doesn't care if they are clean or in living in a clean house. He doesn't sound very reasonable, he just sounds desperate to be rid of responsibility so he can make a home with his mistress.

Stay strong OP, use the hate you have for him to give you strength.

His behaviour says everything about him and nothing about you!
He has a legal requirement to provide for his kids. Contact CMA today, they do not backdate your claim. Just sit tight where the mortgage is concerned, advise that he has left and you are getting legal advice....ask them for a moritorium, mortgage company speak for a payment break, u til you have had legal advice.
Claim universal credit today, it takes up to 5 weeks to get any payments from them.
When you get legal advice:
Ask about mercher order. Ability to stay in house until youngest finishes further education or is 20 yrs old.
Get solicitor to write to him and explain your rights and those of your kids! Ask for his solicitors details.
Let them know about his alcohol abuse, so that the courts will bar him from driving your kids drunk. Also helps your case.
Forget anything you think you know about that person you thought you were married to!
Keep a record of everything. And I mean everything, bills you pay, get a council tax reduction, food, clothes supplies for the kids...everything he is required by law to pay these things, but if he’s like mine, he won’t!! And you will need records to claim it back!

Things are going to get harder before they get better. But don’t wait, I did and that was another 6 months of waiting and lost payments I needed!
Look after yourself and children only in everything you do.
Good luck

So ex ignored my drink drive wishes and dropped girls back on Saturday. I have refused to send them until he agrees not to drive them. He missed seeing them Tuesday because he wouldn’t agree and finally agreed today so I dropped them off earlier. Im due to collect them now. Looks like mediation is our only hope now.

I have contacted CMS who have now spoken to him. I requested payments be taken from his wage because of the recent financial dispute but he disagreed. So by law they have to allow him to pay me directly. Let’s see how well that one goes 🙄

I have contacted the mortgage company who have written to him. They don’t offer mortgage breaks or interest only unless the mortgage is non affordable. I.e neither of us can afford to pay. They will ask us to prove our income and decide if it is affordable. Therefore he has to pay as I have no income. They did say we have the whole month to pay. I paid start of September so theoretically it doesn’t need to be paid again until end of October. They also recommended cancelling the direct debit which I have done and he can set one up himself out his account.

I applied for universal credit really early luckily. It takes 5 weeks so I won’t be getting any payments until 21st sept. Just in time for next round of bills

I have also been advised to file for divorce and apply for maintenance pending suit. That was done on Tuesday so he should be getting the papers tomorrow. Hopefully if he doesn’t contest the divorce it goes through quickly. Solicitor also advised to request he pay any legal costs. I also get the court fee for the divorce wiped or discounted as I am on benefits.

I had the house valued today and it’s been valued at £310 so that means we have £55k equity in it. How much equity can I ask for at mediation as I will need all of it to afford to get my own mortgage. I have spoken to a mortgage advisor who is in standby ready to assist me when I am ready. The estate agent was very sympathetic and said if I put the house up for sale now i wouldn’t be ready to move until Feb so at least that means we will still be here for Xmas and both my daughters birthdays.

I have been to the doctors today who have referred me to talking therapy. I will get this help on Monday

I’ve also got a meeting with work tomorrow to discuss going back early. Hopefully thy can pay me my holiday pay the end of September to help me out a little

I just need to sort my childcare out now and I’m all done

My ex meanwhile has sorted not a fat lot other than looking at a 50k car. What an idiot. He hasn’t paid the mortgage, bills or given me any child maintenance! Honestly can’t believe this is the man I married 2 years ago and wanted to spend my life with

Wow! Busy bee!
Don’t know where you live but here I have been waiting for therapy for 7 months and still no appt!
Though things aren’t really sorted, you seem to have a clear picture of the outcome for now! Well done!

Just checking in OP, how are things going?

So I’ve applied for divorce with a financial settlement of maintenance pending suit which will cover legal fees. He has until Tuesday to acknowledge the divorce

He finally gave me half towards the mortgage but says that is all he is going to give me from now on. I am in talks with the lender who are going to do affordability checks then will see he earns way more than I have

Child maintenance will be paid from 1st oct

Benefits will go into my bank by 21st sept

He’s applied for mediation re the drink driving issue. I have contacted social services who have backed me so far and said I am doing all the right things. He thinks because he hasn’t had a conviction he will be seen more favourably. I am gathering all my evidence to show why I am stopping him from driving them and hopefully any mediator or court will see my concerns to be of valid reason. He’s not going to the gym most mornings before work and even at 6am on a Sunday! I think this is to replace the morning drinking so I’m glad he’s at least trying to sort himself out

I have information though that he is looking to buy a 50k car and tried to obtain a loan through his bank which was refused. He has managed to get a 0% balance transfer credit card which I’m worrying about

Also have counselling on Monday

Work were fab too they said I can give a weeks notice before I return and I can work from home one day which will help with childcare costs as I have to travel a fair distance to work

Still really struggling emotionally though and still can’t stop thinking of them both together and it just makes me feel sick. I’m stuck in on a Friday night again with the kids and he’s probably off out wining and dining her 🤢

Your life has been totally torn apart, you're doing so well to have managed all this admin, looking after two young kids whilst dealing with your own heartache.

He may be 'wining and dining' with her tonight but it won't be long before the bloom is off the rose and she is stuck eating take away in front of the tv with him in his pants. He certainly not going to have the lavish lifestyle he intends with the new car etc. His weekends will be filled with solo childcare, it's really not that romantic.

Once you are back at work you will have a formal kind if routine which will help with structure.

When it comes to agreeing things financially I hope that he will be bearing some of the childcare costs. I'm not experienced in these matters but if you have to work full time and he does too then he should also have to make changes to his work pattern (ask his boss for flexible working or part time) so to pick up the kids from childcare and he will also have to pay for half of it.

OP you are amazing. That's all.

Ah thank you but I am just trying to muddle through the fog for my beautiful children who really deserve more. You guys are all amazing. I don’t know what I would have done without the honesty and words of wisdom through this whole struggle. I owe you all. I can finally see a tiny light at the end of the long tunnel x