Divorce, children and the house

[Cantsleep22]

My husband walked out me and my two children (6 and 8 months) 2 weeks ago. He is already asking for a divorce and says I can have the house if u can afford the mortgage. On paper I can with benefits, child maintenance, my wage. My question is would a mortgage company look at all Incomings or just my wage? If it’s just my wage there is no way I can get a mortgage. We’ve only been here 1 year, have 255,000 left to pay. Is there anyway I can contact the mortgage lender, explain the situation and they let me drop to an interest only mortgage? I have no idea which way to turn with this. Is there a reason he has acted so quickly to get a divorce? If I agree to the divorce does this affect any rights I have over the house? We jointly own it 50/50

@Cantsleep22 I really feel for you. Your world has been turned upside down and it's terrifying.

But... let me give you a glimpse of your future.

You .... not worrying about him or what he thinks or where he is. You know another woman is worrying about him. You're sorry for her. But you are busy in your safe little house surrounded by your children who love you. You've poured a glass of wine and are sitting in a patch of sunlight with a book. No one will disturb you. You won't feel a need to jump up. Your time is your own for this moment.

And you have friends popping round later. You can relax as they chatter. He won't arrive to shoo them out. Your friends will all wonder if you're better off without him. You will laugh loudly. Of course you are. It will feel good. Because everything you are surrounded by .... you made happen. Because you got yourself a decent solicitor and you took their advice. Then you moved on and made your world your own.

Stretch your toes out. Feel the sunlight. It's coming.

Don’t fret OP, he can’t force you to do a thing. If your signature is not on anything then there’s nothing he can do. Just worry about sorting your own finances and legal advice first.He’s blustering and feeding you a load of shit in the hopes that you’ll be baffled and scared by it all but you don’t need to be, because nothing at all can happen with the house or the divorce without your consent.

The most likely games he can play are with money, so get in touch with CMS and get it all official. Regarding the kids, if he threatens to take them and not let you have them back you can call DV Assist and ask them about a Prohibited Steps Order. If you tell them what’s going on and about his drinking they might be able to help, and it’s a free service so don’t worry.

The most important thing for you to do is arm yourself with as much information as you can. Not only will it give you something practical to do that will make you feel like you’re doing something useful, but he won’t be able to spin you all sorts of bullshit and you can call his bluff if he does.

It is horrible right now whilst it's all fresh and you're just discovering what has been going on. It does get better, I promise.

As previous posters have said, good legal advice is paramount. No hasty decisions/ agreements, take your time to find out what you're entitled to.

Re the mortgage, I have one from Nat West who took maintenance into account. I used a broker and they were the only provider he found who would do that, although at the time I wasn't working so it was solely based on maintenance.

Just thinking about what Jean said, thinking about the future. Seeing as he has left the house but still owns half of it this might be tricky but I wondered, (and again the relationships board will advise better) if when he visits the kids you have bags packed ready for him to take them out. After all the future is him caring for his kids on his own, where he has to take them to the park or out to a soft play. Eventually he will have to pack the bags of course but to start you could shuffle him out the door with them and then have that child-free time when he is not under your feet at the house to organise stuff.

I imagine he is coming in to see the kids and having a cuppa and treating it all like nothing has happened.

Id he is drinking I understand you not wanting to take that risk though.

If he's an adulterer and you have evidence of that, you can divorce him on those grounds (I think there's a time limit of a few months though, after which you are assumed to have accepted the adultery), but he can't divorce you without your consent until you've been separated for five years. So you are in a more powerful position than perhaps you realise.

Concur with PP that you should request that MNHQ move this thread to Legal and that you get your ducks in a row in terms of letting the mortgage lender know. They deal with this all the time, they won't judge you.

How do I get this moved to the legal thread?

Lawyer up! And don’t go for a cheap lawyer, find a good one. And generally, be forceful with the lawyer. Tell them what you want and ask them how it can be done.

He should collect kids for these days out. If you have a reasonable suspicion he’s been drinking, call the police. It is not your job to facilitate your husband’s days out.

Stay calm. Don’t message the other woman. Don’t appeal to her for fairness - she might be the one pushing him to ‘take what’s his’.

In the first instance, approach a mediator and agree the terms of childcare. NOTHING ELSE. Dont be pushed around. You need to support yourself so can’t be expected to work around your husband’s schedule but do be reasonable. You may want an interim financial agreement but be clear it’s interim (lawyer can advise you) because he can’t just abandon the mortgage and bills. The house is a joint asset and until a deal is agreed, he’s gotta pay.

Good luck x

@Cantsleep22 click on report on your OP (line of fits top right above your post brings up pull down menu) then just ask MN to move the thread.

he can't divorce you without your consent until you've been separated for five years. So you are in a more powerful position than perhaps you realise

Blimey - you're the 3rd person to give the OP this incorrect / misleading advice. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, I guess.

The only way to prevent a divorce (other than on the fact of 2 years with consent) is to file a defence - not ignore it.

In all honesty I would take a cash settlement from him, rent can be claimed as part of the benefits system but not mortgage interest. He doesn't sound reliable either

OP, I am so sorry. Definitely ask MN (by report function) to move to Relationships as you have had a bomb dropped in your life

Sadly it seems its all too common but you will recover and there are many women who will be able to talk you through their recovery. It will hurt like hell but in a few years you will see that him leaving was a blessing and the OW will never be able to trust him.

He can't force any financials without your agreement and you can't complete a divorce (get the absolute) until there is an agreed consent order for financials.

The only way he can do it is through bullying you into agreeing. If he pushes you then just have a standard statement "I will let you know once I have reviewed finances".

Don't share any info about solicitors with him, keep everything quiet as may use it against you. Same with the requests for children, say "happy that you see the children but need to prioritise them"

Does your 6 year old know Dad has left?

When he returns to school make sure his teachers know. I really hope you have close family support as it is a rollercoaster of emotions but it truly does get better.

Sorry still can’t see how to move the post? I’m on a phone, does that make a difference?

I packed up the rest of his stuff today, all 10 black bin bags worth and my sister took it to his moms house and dumped it on her drive so he will have the joy of that after work. I’ve contacted a solicitor and have an appointment on Tuesday. I am going to get a letter written up to tell him to back off and stop pestering me about the house. He is to leave us here and pay the mortgage until I go back to work after christmas. I will forego any child maintenance in return. I just need some time to get my head around the whole thing and my daughter needs some time to process daddy not being here. It’s only been 2 and a half weeks for God’s sake! 4 weeks ago we were abroad having a lovely family holiday (bar his all day drinking) who am I kidding, he spoilt the holiday! And now he’s seeing someone from work. A 30 something career driven woman with no children of her own. Looks like she likes the highlife while before he met me he’d never had steak in his life 😂 I just can’t see how they are compatible but she is welcome to him. It’s all about me and my children from now on. I have blocked him from contacting me today because I just need to space to gather my thoughts. I already feel so much better. I have a direction, I have control and I don’t have him bothering me. We will be ok 💕

You will be more than Ok in the end OP, the other woman is more than welcome to his alcoholic back side on her sofa, when he is hungover and knackered from a weekend of solo childcare he will be far less attractive.

All will be well, you and the kids will so much better off. Put it this way now you have two kids to look after instead of 3!

So glad you're in touch with a solicitor. Well done!

To move the thread you can email MNHQ or even @MNHQ to ask them to move it to relationships.

We're moving this thread over to legal matters for the OP.

*Relationships!

I was married for 4.5 years. My divorce took almost ten years, the access was ordered but NEVER abided by and my x continued to fight for custody (until my son died brain washed and miserable) and then he gave up, having achieved what he said he would, "If you leave me I will take your children away and drive you to breakdown etc..." All of which is to say there is now really nothing-however appalling-I cannot imagine. I am very sorry for you. I have written a novel (not memoir as that would not be credible to most, distressing for my extant child and much too dangerous given the litigious nature of the man), 'The Diary of a Divorce' in the hope it might be of some assistance to others. It is available to pre order on amazon.co.uk/diary-divorce-never-give-ebook/dp/B07VBB226G but I am happy to send you a copy in the post as you are struggling now and I know what that is like. NB I did not have to cope with sexual betrayal but I was STALKED in every way imaginable- and unimaginable- for two decades. My mantra to you is the one my darling beautiful son once forcefully said to me, "Never give up!" This is a long journey but you are not mad (always the male claim, we're all mad of course we are), things will get worse before better but you have your beautiful children and some have not even that so hang onto it in your darkest hours. Beautiful children, they need you to be strong and so you will be, you are a mummy no choice.
Tip. There is a wealth of information online. You can actually get divorced online but your rights are there. Divorce is a depressingly formulaic process vis Family Law. Kiss the children and hold them tight.

sawdustformypony www.gov.uk/divorce

She can block it. He can't divorce her unilaterally unless they've been apart for five years, BECAUSE she can choose to block it.

Well done. Excellent progress. Nust remember it is often a roller coaster so your emotions are all over the place.

It really does get better. Ow is welcome to this unfaithful man.

Ignore 90% of what has been said OP
You need a solicitor ASAP
He is dead to you now (assuming you don't want him back?)
You get a pay as you go phone to discuss contact arrangements with the children and nothing else.
He does not contact you regarding any potential sale of the house except through a solicitor.
You can afford a solicitor, even if you have to beg or borrow the money, it will be worthwhile in the long run
I am a lawyer and have also been through a dreadful divorce, you mustn't react, no matter what he says. You must simply smile and say please ask your solicitor to put that in writing.

Yes unfortunately the solicitor route is the one we are going to have to go down. I dread how much it’s going to cost me. The initial appointment and letter is going to be £156. Luckily I have a little bit saved up but if he decides to get nasty then money is going to get eaten up pretty. I just can’t believe there isn’t funding for someone in my case. I literally don’t have an income right now so how can I be expected to pay? I just wish I didn’t have to be tied to this selfish person for the next 18 years. I honestly don’t know who he is anymore

My solicitor didn't want money upfront, she took the costs out of my final settlement. Even took that into consideration when deciding the financial split.

I may ask at the initial appointment about doing that then as I can’t keep affording to pay. I have a good case, he earns 60k has a good pension and pays into a works savings scheme so I will be going for everything now. I helped him build his career, he took a pay cut at one point to further his career, I stood by him through all the shit days he had at work, always had a meal on the table, clean house, clean kids, not to mention I have given up my career to work part time and then now he’s reached the peak of his career he thinks he deserves more than me. He really thinks he can discard me like an old shoe. Well I’m stronger and worth more than that. I will not go down without a fight. My children deserve more. My daughter moved schools a year ago to move to this house and then he wants to upset her by making her move again. Yet he claims he loves his children and he’s going to prove that to me!

Good for you OP

Hi OP 💐, it’s very difficult. Look at Wikivorce- partly government funded and a free advice line.

I have used one of their panel solicitors to do my financial consent order which cost £350 as mine is more complicated than normal.

That's exactly it OP, you have supported him to get to where he is so he can't say oh you have the house if you can pay for it I'm off. It's amazing that he thinks he can do that, or convince you that he can.

Hope you can get the finances sorted or your solicitor can help. Best of luck to you.