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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm so tired of chasing him,I'm a girls wreck..what do I do?

150 replies

serenadee · 19/08/2019 13:01

I've been dating him since may but I've never dated anyone as confusing as him.
He blows hot and cold and I have no idea where I stand or how many others he's chatting too.
He hasn't gave me the time of day really since Thursday/Friday and I've had to imitate convo since.
I messaged him this morning,a few reply's then he didn't answer my last.
Last night I asked if he wanted to meet for drinks he said yes ..I asked when he was free he said Friday.
Some days we have good chats back and forth and it seems like he wants to chat then he has spells where I feel like he doesn't want too.
I text him on his lunch at work asking if he wants to grab food too on Friday and he replied "where" then I showed him a place.
He has been on WhatsApp since and not looked at my message.
I'm stressed and fed up with this.
I like him but I can't stand this,I was up all night,couldn't sleep.
Today I've been sick all morning worrying.
I don't know what i do wrong when he goes quiet on me.

OP posts:
AnduinsGirl · 19/08/2019 16:15

It's nothing to do with stupidity, it's just not having any self esteem and realising you're worth more than this. No-one else can make you see it, sadly, so unless you find the strength to end it, it'll either end when he gets bored of you or finds a new victim. Becaue it really isn't going to end in sunshine and roses for you :( xx

joystir59 · 19/08/2019 16:15

Please try and take back control of your life and happiness OP.

Cobblersandhogwash · 19/08/2019 16:21

He sounds like a proper prat.

He told you he nearly caused a divorce? Whoopee.

You do know where you stand with him. He can mess you around and reel you in and put exactly as he pleases.

Unless you put a stop to it and block him.

You are worth ten million times more than this clown.

If you block him, then you can stop wondering about when he is going to contact you and give you a crumb.

Be proud. Take back control. Bin this fool.

Wallywobbles · 19/08/2019 18:28

If you really want him to be interested be an interesting challenge so block him for the next 48 hours. Don't be so needy and predictable.

ThatCurlyGirl · 19/08/2019 18:40

How are you doing @serenadee?

Please take control and block him!

Imagine feeling strongly about someone AND them feeling it back - it's worth waiting for rather than wasting time on this dickhead!

All the time that you are giving him headspace you could be missing out on meeting someone great - or just spending nice time with other people who don't make you feel like shit.

Original poster
serenadee · 19/08/2019 19:07

I'm ok Thankyou
It would be lovely to actually find someone who feels the same and is happy with just me.
It's hard to think that will ever happen to me tbh

OP posts:
Moondancer73 · 19/08/2019 19:50

F/T dad to a 15 year old means he can go out and do things in the week, he's just using it as an excuse not to. If his child was 12 then it would be different. Cut your losses now and walk away

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 19:56

It's hard to think that will ever happen to me tbh

I understand.
It certainly won't happen by throwing your hat & your sanity at this loser though.

When you are able to stop seeking validation through the approval of twats like this geezer, you will have time to start setting yourself up to win. That starts by finding your personal validation within yourself.
It takes work, & therapy, & commitment.
But the journey of self-knowledge is a big & valuable reward in itself, & from that point, you will find that you naturally attract kinder, better-adjusted people to you, & will have the knowledge & tools to weed out arseholes who don't care two hoots about you.

Cliche time - because IT IS TRUE - until you value yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

Glitterpearl · 19/08/2019 19:57

You are in no position to be dating really. This guy may be a player and a dick (he probably is) but you are needy, insecure and too full on, and maybe his hot and cold is an attempt to slow you down.

You are way too overinvested. You want a man to give you happiness. Take away the depression and anxiety. But that just won't happen. You are vulnerable, so there is a high chance that you will find someone who will use your issues against you and make things worse. At best, you will find decent guys who can't get past the unreasonable behaviour that is driven by your issues, and the cycle will continue.

Even if you did find someone, after the initial flurry wore off, your depression would still be there waiting for you.

You need to work on yourself. It is really bloody hard, but if you can put dating on the back burner, and deal with the issues, and learn to love and value yourself, dating won't be so volatile.

This may sound harsh, but it isn't intended that way. I used to be like you. I know how wonderful the highs are and how soul destroying the silence is. But a man can't fix this, and you owe it to yourself to stop putting yourself through this.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 19/08/2019 21:02

Just what @Glitterpearl said!

You can’t expect a man to fix you or give you validation or make you happy.

You have to do that for yourself.

MerryDeath · 19/08/2019 21:10

if you are confused by a man in a 'relationship', i can guarantee he's not that into you and you are his second, third, fourth option. don't stand for that. 👋🏽

Oysterbabe · 19/08/2019 21:21

When you meet the right person there is no confusion and no games, just 2 people who can't get enough of eachother.

I'm sorry to say but this guy is laughing at you. Friday will happen if he finds himself with nothing better to do. Don't be available for him, make plans with one of your friends and fuck him off. At 8 or 9 dates in he should still be on his very best behaviour. If he's like this now things will only get worse.

crappyday2018 · 19/08/2019 22:28

It would be lovely to actually find someone who feels the same and is happy with just me

And you will, but not while you're still entertaining this idiot.

ThatCurlyGirl · 19/08/2019 22:36

It would be lovely to actually find someone who feels the same and is happy with just me

And are you more or less likely to meet such a person while you're still seeing him? Come on OP!

ladamanera · 19/08/2019 23:11

Read Glitterpearl’s message and them read it again and then every day till it sinks in. Make a song out of it. Sing it in the shower. But delete this mans number, and start again with a new one and a new attitude.

AMAM8916 · 19/08/2019 23:18

Oh my lord, dump this loser. A full time dad to a 15 year old? So basically another word for 'unemployed layabout!'. Sorry that's harsh but no one is a full time parent to a 15 year old unless one parent is working and the other doesn't need to.

Please just ghost him. He thinks he's got you wrapped around his finger but you need to teach this smug git that he doesn't.

In the future, look for someone who either has a job or is a full time parent to kids that need a full time parent (not 14+ plus!) And one that actually messages you first and doesn't make you cry and vomit.

I would advise you to take some kalms for a few days, block this twat on everything and get back onto a dating site and expect more for yourself

supercali77 · 20/08/2019 06:43

OP. It is a classic pattern. Show intense interest then once you're clearly into them, they run hot and cold. The reason you end up hooked is down to intermittent reinforcement. Look it up. This isn't you. This is him. Drill that home. He will have done this before. He will do it again. You are perfect for his little hanging on game because you're vulnerable. Silent periods. Changing the topic. He sounds to me on the narcy side. Manipulative. Delights in how much and how easily you give while he just takes. It is repugnant. Again....this isn't about you, whoever else hes got running... think about it....is also being given the run around since hes still talking to you.

You get the relationships you're willing to accept. That's essential to know because unless you just happen upon a great guy a manipulative shit will quite quickly work out where your bottom line is. And since yours is quite low...hes happy to meet you there because hes a user. The worst kind of man to give your time to.

Start now. Recognise it's not you. Its him. Read 'mr unavailable and the fallback girl'. Great book. Or go to the baggage reclaim website and make your way through the posts. Or post male syndrome website. All good advice on these kinds of asshats. Cut him loose. He thinks hes got you on a string and you'll keep running after him. Give him a surprise and cut him loose. If you do, be prepared for him to switch on the charm again. Dont fall for it, that's just another classic move and this up and down pattern will continue

AnyFucker · 20/08/2019 06:49

Never make someone your priority for whom you are an option

cees · 20/08/2019 10:34

You know him 3 months, it wont be that hard to live without him. He sounds like he isn't keen on you, take some control, finish it and work on your self esteem.

FogCutter · 20/08/2019 10:36

You've been seeing him 3 months- at this 'honeymoon ' stage it's supposed to be fun and make you happy.

It's not supposed to be dramatic and upsetting.

Tonnerre · 20/08/2019 11:02

Why does anyone need to be a "full time dad" to a 15 year old? Sounds like an excuse to me.

Don't give him the chance to kick you again on Friday. Dump him and find something you want to do just for yourself.

MMmomDD · 20/08/2019 11:21

What @Glitterpearl said....
It’s unclear if he actually is blowing hot/cold or if it’s your perception.
Or if it’s his reaction to your neediness and insecurity.
You have been casually seeing someone for a few months and can’t sleep because your date isn’t properly fixed? This says more about you than him. And it’s totally over the top.
You need to be an a good place yourself to date anyone. Your anxiety and other issues need to be resolved first. Or any relationship would lead to the same place.
Block him. Get yourself more counselling. And hopefully you’ll meet someone else.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 20/08/2019 11:29

I'm afraid I learnt a key truth in my twenties

If I have to chase them they are not worth catching

I promise you focus on yourself hes not worth an iota of your time

sallycinnamonn · 20/08/2019 11:42

Easier said than done but I would personally get rid of him. He's showing you his true colours, he probably isn't going to change. Do you want to put up with this forever? Move on and find someone better

Mummy0ftwo12 · 20/08/2019 12:14

@Glitterpearl - can you recommend any books on this?

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