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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm so tired of chasing him,I'm a girls wreck..what do I do?

150 replies

serenadee · 19/08/2019 13:01

I've been dating him since may but I've never dated anyone as confusing as him.
He blows hot and cold and I have no idea where I stand or how many others he's chatting too.
He hasn't gave me the time of day really since Thursday/Friday and I've had to imitate convo since.
I messaged him this morning,a few reply's then he didn't answer my last.
Last night I asked if he wanted to meet for drinks he said yes ..I asked when he was free he said Friday.
Some days we have good chats back and forth and it seems like he wants to chat then he has spells where I feel like he doesn't want too.
I text him on his lunch at work asking if he wants to grab food too on Friday and he replied "where" then I showed him a place.
He has been on WhatsApp since and not looked at my message.
I'm stressed and fed up with this.
I like him but I can't stand this,I was up all night,couldn't sleep.
Today I've been sick all morning worrying.
I don't know what i do wrong when he goes quiet on me.

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 19/08/2019 15:09

What is your relationship history? Do you always get overly involved quite quickly?

MargoLovebutter · 19/08/2019 15:18

@serenadee we tend to get what we think we deserve. It sounds as though you have self-esteem issues and therefore you are attracting men who treat you badly, because sub-consciously that is what you think you deserve.

I recognise this because I've done this myself in the past.

Dump this guy and start working on your own self-esteem, so that you can set boundaries and be clear about your expectations of how you want and deserve to be treated.

FinallyHere · 19/08/2019 15:20

I don't know where I stand with him.

Stop chasing after him. Step back. Wait for him to come to you.

And if he doesn't, remember to build a brilliant life for yourself. Living well is the very best sort of revenge.

Lilylauren98 · 19/08/2019 15:21

I am sorry if some of the replies are harsh OP. He really does not sound good for you. I am sure there are alot of men out there who will be. But for now I think cut ties with him, forget him & start a fresh. Focus first on yourself & becoming happy & content on your own. Do things for yourself & with friends. Do not rely on a man for your happiness. Regarding his texting... I don't think you're giving him very long to reply & in future relationships, if the person is at work then don't expect instant replies they will be busy. xxxx

ChristmasFluff · 19/08/2019 15:22

Firstly, this isn't about you. It's about him. Dating is about getting to know a person. You are now getting to know that he blows hot and cold, and messes people about. This will have worked well in the past, as women with poor self-esteem and a certain amount of codependence (better named Self- Love Deficit) will chase because they will assume they have done something wrong, and because they are desperately trying to source love form outside of themselves.

He won't want someone with great self-esteem and no codependency issues, because he won't be able to control them, so he won't care when he gets kicked to the kerb - again, not about you.

Becuase he already knows you are vulnerable (because you've tolerated him this long) when you try to break it off, or if you pull back, he'll come on strong with the texts and compliments etc. Then once he's got you, it'll be back to the cold treatment again.

I bet this isn't the sort of relationship you dreamed of as a little girl is it? So why are you still in it? Why would you care what a dickhead like him thinks of you? Why are you tying yourself in knots to be what he wants rather than looking looking at him and realising he isn't what you want? Seriously, ask yourself those things, and better still, write down the answers. It's time to get to know yourself deeply, and to love and accept what you find (whilst moving towards greater health and confidence).

As the meme goes: Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.

Schwibble · 19/08/2019 15:24

OP - he's a player and if you carry on you are going to get so hurt. He's not worth your time or attention. Find some self respect and stop contacting him!

Bookworm4 · 19/08/2019 15:27

How do I go to sleep tonight if no contact when normally I get something ...anything
You say you’re in your 30s, do you not work if you’re spending all day lying in bed feeling sorry for yourself?
Cmon give yourself a shake, get up get dressed go out.
You’re behaving like a star struck teenager.

AnduinsGirl · 19/08/2019 15:28

A while ago I was unlucky enough to overhear a horrible conversation between a bunch of guys in a pub - all in their 40's (and no oil paintings!) They were talking about "the stink of desperation" some women give off, especially single women with children, getting on a bit in age. These vile individuals went on to list all the shitty, shitty ways they'd treated their respective "partners" and how they "kept running back for more." It was fucking sickening.

This is your guy - he knows you'll put up with anything but you're handy to have around as an ego boost. I really, really hope you wake up and get him out your life. There really are nice men out there who are looking for happy, respectful, drama-free relationships. This guy is a waste of time.

zafferana · 19/08/2019 15:35

How do I go to sleep tonight if no contact when normally I get something ...anything

I'll tell you how OP - you dig deep and see if you can find a scrap of self-respect somewhere in that head of yours. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but the reason you get treated like crap by man after man is because you're prepared to take all this nonsense and still go crawling back for more. FGS stop it! If you don't respect yourself, how can you expect others to? Don't put up with this crap any more. Walk away and hold your head high.

DinkyDonkeyDooDoo · 19/08/2019 15:37

OP I was debating posting a similar cautionary tale as AnduinsGirl above. Now I have seen their post here goes..

Last year I left a male dominated job. I was the only woman sharing break room & canteen space with approximately 30 men.

There was a core group of 6 or 7, aged 18-50, some in relationships, that 'hunted' women like you. I say hunted because the sole purpose was to humiliate, use and abuse, and laugh at what they called loads of disgusting names I won't repeat here.

The conversations I overheard them have were disgusting. They shared pics sent to them and laughed about driving the women 'mad'.

It was sport to them. The more desperate the woman was for their attention the more kudos and 'well done mate' back slapping they received from each other.

They had a sort of league table with the top spot going to the man that could string a woman along for the longest, while also treating her the worst.

Cancelled meets/dates, sometimes just not even turning up, negging, ignoring, silent treatment. Extra points if the woman paid/cooked for them/cleaned up after them.

When I finally had enough and complained to a manager I was told it was just banter, they didn't mean it the way I had taken it etc etc. My own fault for being too sensitive.

AnduinsGirl · 19/08/2019 15:41

That's awful, Dinky! Honestly, of course it's not all men by any stretch of the imagination, but Christ there are some absolutely sadistic bastards out there, aren't there?

DinkyDonkeyDooDoo · 19/08/2019 15:41

Oh and they also bragged about going from Mr Nice to Mr Nasty just to cause utter confusion in the woman.

Something has gone seriously wrong somewhere with how more and more men are treating women. I'm pretty sure constant online access to 'dating' and porn is a big part of it.

serenadee · 19/08/2019 15:43

Sorry I know I sound pathetic
I don't work at the moment due to my anxiety/depression,I am getting better tho,this time last year I couldn't leave the house alone and now I can.
My depression still hasn't gone (doubt it will )
When I started seeing him,he gave me happiness back in my life,I felt special and like I was nice again.
I'm really lonely,not many friends (3) one friend recently turned on me and made my life hell,my mam is dead,I have my dad and that's it.
Even a few texts from him made me feel special,I thought he was my chance to have a better life.

OP posts:
gottagetouttahere · 19/08/2019 15:45

Have you even actually met him, OP?

serenadee · 19/08/2019 15:50

@gottagetouttahere yeah we've been out about 8-9 times now.

OP posts:
serenadee · 19/08/2019 15:50

@gottagetouttahere concerts,cinema,drinks,food,bbq etc

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 19/08/2019 15:51

It sounds like you've been through a really tough time. It's a cliche, but you need to find contentment in yourself and not look to others for validation and happiness.

I think loneliness is getting to epidemic levels, so many of us have been and are still there. Have you thought about volunteering? I find that people involved in helping others tend to be kinder than most, it's a step towards meeting new people and working on your self esteem too.

serenadee · 19/08/2019 15:58

@DinkyDonkeyDooDoo that's awful it really is,why do people have to be so nasty.
I can understand being nasty to those who deserve it but to genuine people.
It really is upsetting

OP posts:
serenadee · 19/08/2019 16:00

He's just text totally ignoring my last text ...saying he had just won a bottle of whiskey at work
He does this all the time
Changes subjects
I didn't reply either
I can't be bothered
I'm listening to advice,I'm getting a bath and I'm gonna order a takeaway and watch Netflix
Has anyone seen Good girls ?
I started to watch it a few weeks ago and it's great.
Gonna continue it tonight

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 19/08/2019 16:02

He probably chose you to screw over because you've had a tough time, are going through depression and don't have the best self esteem. Certain sorts have a radar for people who are looking for a crutch. They make themselves that crutch for a while...and then they use it to sweep your legs from under you.

He isn't a nice man. He's told you that in various ways. That 'could ask you for anything' remark is straight up a predator telling you 'I'm a predator!'. With bells on.

End it, block contact (heck, throw away your damn phone if it stops you getting in touch with him) and see about speaking with your gp.

He has groomed you and you need to break ties and run.

MargoLovebutter · 19/08/2019 16:04

You don't sound pathetic at all. You sound like someone struggling and someone who is being treated badly.

A useful tip I was given over my many years of therapy is not to put all your eggs in one basket, which is what you were doing with this man. You were giving him full control of how you feel by seeking your validation externally (from him). You need to feel content with yourself internally and this shouldn't come from a relationship with one other human being - so not putting all your eggs in one basket.

Ideally we should have various different aspects of our life that bring us identity, self worth and validation. Our interests, our hobbies, our work or volunteering, our friendships, our family, possibly our faith and so on. That way, if something is wrong with one aspect, it means that we can still derive meaning and value in the other areas and not feel utterly bereft because one area is suffering.

What other areas of your life can you have a look at to start building up your resilience?

AnduinsGirl · 19/08/2019 16:04

With respect, you say you're listening, but the concept of just texting him saying "I don't want this any more. do not contact me again" and blocking him in incomprehensible isn't it? :(

Gonna continue it tonight

Again, I mean this nicely, but if he texted you 10 mins into your first episode and said "pub in 30?" you'd be there like a shot, wouldn't you? I have been there.

Crybabyghoul · 19/08/2019 16:06

@serenadee good for you! Fuck him! Enjoy your Netflix and bath. You are worth so much more than that loser ❤️

serenadee · 19/08/2019 16:06

I probably would yes :-(
Just like if he wants to do something on Friday I will probably end up doing it.
I don't know why I'm so stupid
I'm gonna try not too.

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 19/08/2019 16:13

Please block him. It feels like a really painful thing to do, but once you've actually done it, it's like a big weight has been lifted. You're not waiting on his next move anymore, you've taken back control.

A while back my phone got a virus and I lost everything, old conversations, contact details, the lot. I tried everything to restore it, and in the end I gave up and sat and cried. But within a few days I felt so much less stressed, I wasn't tracking what x had said, when he was online etc. And I've never tried to contact him since.

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