My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

Also...I put off therapy for 20 years. I think I was scared of what it might reveal and worried about the emotional reliance that can come about through the therapist client relationship. I didn’t know how to access help and support- I’ve always looked after myself.

Therapy was/is intense and I go through periods where I have to stop for a bit but it has absolutely been necessary. I’m so glad I didn’t have kids before I accessed therapy. I don’t think I would have been as good a mother as I was supposed to be and may have repeated some of the experiences I had with my own parents. I work with children therapeutically and am so much better at my job now than I was before I had counselling which challenged the “rules” I learned in childhood.

Same here, I thought I really understood myself, and my issues.

Counselling was illuminating and has genuinely made me see myself/the world/ other people in a different light. I am happier in myself alone or in a relationship.

OP, who makes you laugh? I agree with the numerous posters who say that dating isn't helpful, that some people connect very slowly or a connection becomes alive in its own time. I also agree that any person would benefit from therapy. I hear you when you say you have done the 'right' stuff to give yourself opportunities and care and that these positive choices feel a bit tick-boxy and empty without a base. What I want to know is who makes you laugh? When do you forget everything else? Were do you find the odd thrill, a touch of joy? If you can't identify it in your current life then when was it, what was it? When you didn't feel earnest or trying or wondering? It may surprise you. I did this. Then I just went down that path. Not the right path necessarily or the most healthy or the most worthy but it was my path and I felt better. It may tell you where to find your joy, because you are you and not a package of stuff. What actually warms you might not be the what you thought. Maybe give that a try? Nothing wrong with where you are or what your doing just listen for the tinkles and see where they lead.

I didn't even particularly like my DH when we first met but we slowly became friends and then I was suddenly hit by a massive attraction to him - over 2 years later!! And now we've been married for 10 yrs with 2 dc.

Attraction isn't always there on the first date, sometimes you need to give things a chance and time to develop.

Haven't read whole thread, but I feel you op. Same age and similar situation. I have resigned to becoming a Bronte sister type running around daydreaming. On a serious note I think I might need counselling too. I've had a bit and it's starting to help.

I have resigned to becoming a Bronte sister type running around daydreaming

Haha yes!!! I feel like I am psychically linked to Charlotte Bronte in some way .

I'd do it alone. One, maybe even two children. I'm a single parent and have been since my children were five and two. It's not easy but I wouldn't change a thing. My children are the best things that ever happened to me and knowing what I know now and if I was in your position OP - financially secure etc, I'd do it alone.

Yeah...it does sound like some kind of attachment disorder.

How you are feeling is completely normal, I did feel exactly the same as you. I dated on/off for over two years and tried to force myself to like people for the sake of a relationship. I went through some of the loneliest times of my life through this period and like you said dreaded weekends/Christmas and birthdays. All my friends are in relationships so it made my life feel utterly pathetic. What I will say is that, there is only one person who can change how you feel, you sound like your life is more than ready to accept a relationship but maybe something is holding you back? There is plenty of lovely men out there but the perfect man sadly doesn’t exist and love is blind. Go on dates but don’t pressure yourself or write them off if they are not ‘perfect’
Comparing yourself to others is draining so please don’t do that, your best is yet to come :)

I don't think you have a disorder. You have an idea of how relationships should form. You need to adjust that because instant attraction is rare and sometimes not the best basis for a relationship.

Feeling lonely is human and loneliness can be crippling. The anguish of being alone is something that many people will experience. We were not meant to be alone.

You can find someone but you'll need to adjust your way of thinking. Most first dates will not be amazingly interesting. Neither will the person be some adonis you feel instantly attracted to. Give love a chance to develop. Often that's a more solid basis for a lasting relationship.

Your situation is more common than you think.

Broken2019 Someone has already recommended Attached. I second that, I just finished listening it on Audible. I can send it to you free if you PM me. It’s very interesting to identify your attachment style and find out how that affects the way you behave in relationships. Don’t expect the book to solve all your problems but it’s a step to understanding yourself better.

Consider psychotherapy too. I have had several bouts of doing that during difficult times in my life and cannot recommend it enough. I got therapy through my private health insurance this time and I had my first session last Monday. Bawled my eyes out but feel like I am definitely taking a positive step towards sorting myself out.

As for children, I am a single mum of two. If you really want them, I would recommend you doing it regardless of whether you have a man or not in your life. I did not set out to be a single mum. But now at 42 and seeing a lot of childless friends regret not trying harder to be a mum when it could possibly have been easier, I am so glad I have my two. I am still hoping to meet someone. But I am glad I am not under biological clock to do so. You can meet a man any time in your life (and there is absolutely no guarantee the father of your children will stick around for the long term!) but having children, being women, we are limited sadly by our bio clock.

In some ways, I am so much luckier than many. The loneliness sucks sometimes but I have my share of a lovely family life but also having a nice single life when my kids are with their Dad... best of luck!

If your life is making you feel suicidal, therapy is a better idea than dating.

Meeting someone won't make you happy if you are fundamentally unhappy in yourself.

To be completely honest, many people don't get the happy family dream, divorce, bereavement, infertility. You need to find a way to be happy with what you do have.

If you feel lonely, you need to work on relationships in the broadest sense. Make friends, nuture relationships, build a support network. A romantic relationship doesn't fulfill all relationship needs, even in the happiest circumstances.

You need to make your life happier, yourself.

I can’t say for sure of course but how you’re feeling is normal and you may not have a disorder - still counselling is no bad thing.

Your situation could change and your outlook could be positive again

Feeling lonely is tough on anyone so you’re doing well to keep going

Make friends (although not always easy) and keep going with what you know you’d like. I hope your story changes soon

People feel like giving up on life for all sorts of reason besides depression. Crippling lonlinees, bereavement, shame, all sorts.

Changing the cause can help. A fulfilling relationship will help but it won't stop the human condition. We are never completely happy or content. Today it may be about loneliness, tomorrow it might be a problematic child or husband or work, etc.

Life is not a bed or roses. Never will be. It's the human lot. It's about coping, finding a solution and then moving on to the next problem in life and fighting through it. Therapy cannot ever solve our never ending battle with one problem after another.

I'm not saying therapy cannot help, just that it is not the answer because life is what it is. The journey is fraught with problems of all sorts. You overcome one today, tomorrow or next week, or next year you'll face another mountain. C'est la vie.

OP you've identified the void for now. Try to address it. The solution is in your hands.

I could have written your post, OP. There have been a lot of threads on this topic recently and I’ve found it helpful to know how many others are in the same boat.

For those commenting on the OP’s lack of desire for second dates, if her first dates have been anything like mine, I don’t blame her. I’ve often been talked AT for an entire evening and not even asked a single question about myself. Any attempts to be a good listener and comment on what my date has said are ignored while the man launches into another monologue. It’s dreadful.

I’ve often been talked AT for an entire evening and not even asked a single question about myself. Any attempts to be a good listener and comment on what my date has said are ignored while the man launches into another monologue. It’s dreadful.

Oh goodness, yes, with BELLS on.

Every single stranger 1st date I’ve ever been on...Monologue Man Twilight Zone.

Talking AT me broken up only by long staring contests with my boobs or legs. Then an uncomfortable attempt at a grope or kiss. Cos let’s face it, we’re not actual humans us women are we? Just more natural looking blow up dolls.

That’s another reason I prefer to be friends first!

I get you with the dating thing, I've given up. It's not any personal issues , there genuinely hasn't been a single person I've met that I could imagine seeing again or becoming serious with. However I have my 2 dc and I can really sympathise with you op, they pressure to meet someone must be far greater which probably makes things harder. 35 is young though, you have plenty time. A DF of mine was in your position and decided to take matters in to her own hands, she now has an adopted DD and couldn't be happier. Again that pressure to meet someone to create this family has just dissolved, she finds dating far more relaxed because of this. Is this something you could consider?

How are you today OP?

I’ve found some of these posts hard to read ...I appreciate ALL of them but they’ve made me think. Thank you so much to everyone who has posted.

I’m ok, it gets bad when I feel bitter which is so very unattractive. I know I am lucky in many many ways, but sadly nothing will plug that hole of wanting someone to share my life with.

A date I had the other week has asked if I want to go out tonight. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this man (on paper probably wouldn’t have chosen him) but after meeting him I had a nice night. I am completely indifferent to meeting him again. Is this where I am going wrong perhaps?

I agree with the PP, you've become bored with yourself. In a way I get it because I'm single, even if I date somebody, I know I'll be single again soon. But I am happy on my own as well.

The taking yourself out of your comfort zone, consciously, purposely, making that decision to go do something completely different but worthwhile for you and for a community, I think that would be very empowering.

@Broken2019 No, if he doesn't hit the spot, don't waste time. Move on. I've not read all the posts here. I did ask and suggest a few things about your approach to online dating.

The first was is your profile accurate so you attract the right type in the first place- ie shared interests and life goals?

The second was are you having a chat beforehand and can you feel some connection?

What kind of man 'does' it for you?
What are your key requirements?

(eg mine would be intelligence, sense of humour, kindness, thoughtful..)

I guess what I'm saying is are you being too selective or not selective enough?

How many dates a month are you going on?

Are you doing simultaneous dating? eg a couple of coffees with two guys over 2 days?

Have you joined groups and clubs where guys hang out and you can meet them through shared interests? ie rock climbing, tennis, drama, rambling, music, choirs, adventure holidays...whatever floats your boat.

I did OLD for a while and it's hard because how the f* are you supposed to care about somebody you've met once!

Especially at my age! I guess when you're young and gorgeous the men might be attractive, but I'm in my late forties and the men I was dating, they weren't the attractive ones, they were all very ordinary looking and yet still quite entitled I felt, so it tended to be the love bombers (sadly) who made an impression.

The only relationship I had in four years of OLD was one with a love bomber, I was devastated afterwards, not because of him per se but because of the fact that I thought I'd come so far, thought I'd become better at weeding out selfish people who weren't after a real relationship! I also had a ridiculous relationship with a man who called himself my friend but treated me like a girlfriend. Total headfuck.

So I know there's always somebody who pipes up ''i met dh on line and we are happily married'' but it's not a good place to find a sane decent man ime.

@31RueCambon I really think that is unfair. I know a lot of people who met their partners online including my own DCs and DS is certainly a sane and decent man.
There are idiots all over wherever you meet them.

@Broken2019 I think if someone is looking for a partner, you have to treat it like looking for a new job- in other words, seriously and trying all avenues.

That means clubs, sport, online, friends of friends, holidays for singles - no not 18-30 ,more upmarket - sites like MeetUp which are not dating sites but have meetings all over the country for all kinds of things.

jingling generally I speak on the phone then meet. Sometimes I meet a few for coffee in the week other times a couple of weeks will pass before I can be bothered.

I think my main criteria is they have a drive for stability...so own roots down somewhere is key. They also need to be intelligent and able to engage in conversations. They must like their job and be passionate about it. I get very bored if someone just wants to talk about the last time they got drunk in Amsterdam for example! Other than that a sense of humour and kindness. I don’t really have a physical criteria.

I’ve not tried any clubs or meet ups... not sure where to begin with that? I could join the local running group I suppose... that sort of thing?

I am quite into typical woman stuff I think, so I would enjoy a knitting course!!!! Not sure many men would be on that though