My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

So if, for example, in 6 months you met 15 men, would there be one you wanted to see again?

I think you ought to have more phone chats so you can sense if there is a spark, humour, if they love their job etc. You should be able to weed them out a bit more before meeting.

Are you going to go out with this guy tonight?

I would have a baby. Men come and go, but you're getting older now and it may become harder and harder.

You said your previous relationships started with friendship so I would see these dates as a first step towards friendship first. Don't expect a connection on first meeting as that doesn't seem to be what happened with your previous LTRs. I would be right with you in ditching the instable guys who just like getting drunk but anyone who doesn't feel like that would probably get a second date from me, and a chance to explore if you can become friends for a start. You clearly need more than one evening with someone to start to feel a connection.

Start with this guy tonight.

I'd go on the date tonight better than stay home surely?

What's your longest relationship been? Are you are you're not self sabotaging here?

Absolutely, local running club! Meetup is a site that is not for singles. I went to a drama group I found there. They have all kinds of events organised by ordinary people - it's free except if you are the organiser of an event you pay to list the event and obviously if you are going out for a meal or cinema. You could even put your own meeting in there ie woman of 35 wants to start running group with other men and women,. That's how it works.

If you go to the site and put in your post code it brings up everything going on in your area.

Indifferent is quite blank. Are you put off by him? If not give it a chance

I disagree with the others. All the important relationships I've had bar one, I felt a real connection at the first meeting. The spark. I think you know within 5 minutes of meeting someone if they do it for you and there is potential for it to develop.

I would have a baby. Men come and go

If the OP’s other threads are to go by she wants the family package and isn’t particularly open to anything other than the dream. Which is fine but I don’t think she appreciates how much of an obstacle her demands are.

The OP is stuck and is waiting for the perfect ‘family’ opportunity to fall from the sky.

Maybe look at why your precious relationships ended? Perhaps you are emotionally distant naturally rather than having childhood neglect.

People with borderline personality disorders feel they have been neglected, emotionally abused, resentful of siblings and so on despite this not being the case. They can be emotionally distant. Perhaps examine all your relationships with a trained counsellor to see if the issue is more with yourself than others.

I'm not saying this is the case but perhaps some more in depth counselling would help?

My first date with DH was quite poor.

Luckily I had known him for three years by this stage so I was happy to power through!

Dates are a very abrupt way of judging compatibility or even a sustainable attraction.

It seems that the relationship with a man is the issue here OP. I understand that struggle. I'm hetro but really struggle in relationships for many reasons.

Have you considered having a child on your own? I'm single parent since dc2 was 1yo. Sure it's tough at times but I don't think anymore tough than parenting while in a relationship. You have family around you and a good income. I'd say forget about the man, get some counselling and some sperm, start creating the family you crave and move onto a new stage in your life.

People with borderline personality disorders feel they have been neglected, emotionally abused, resentful of siblings and so on despite this not being the case.

That's rubbish. You dont get BPD unless you have grown up with all those things.

Hi OP you sound very low. I think you need to need to talk to someone. A psychotherapist who specialises in attachment theory sounds ideal.

I guess it is possible that I did have a perfectly fine childhood and it’s just me. My parents would definitely agree with that’s! I can’t know for sure I suppose.

The last one ended when he threatened to throw me down the stairs! Not a nice man. The one before that was due to one of us wanting to move abroad the other didn’t. That was a nice relationship though. One before than just ended as we grew apart, again happy memories.

Why would I self sabotage? Genuinely interested as someone has said in the past that I do this but I don’t see it

i THINK there is a very precarious stage in new relationships for people like 'us' and if you don't mind, I do identify massively with you.

I'm a single parent but their father was an ''irrelationship''

People think the eternally singles are single because they never like the people who like them, but there's a nuance, imo, and my theory is that it's perfectly possible for the eternally single women to meet somebody they like, who likes them, and there's a spark of interest on both sides, and it's a fledgeling thing, for a moment, but instead of growing in to a more established thing, the other person does a u-turn and takes flight - every - single - time - leaving one party baffled as they haven't changed or done anything strange.

I agree with comtesse. I probably had (still have) attachment style that goes against having a relationship but Im not unhappy.

You can't meet anybody good for you when you're this unhappy so find contentment and peace first.

@Broken2019 do the knitting course You would enjoy it!! Do it for that reason!

I really do think there is a lot of 'over thinking' and armchair psychologists here who are confusing things for you OP.

My take is that you simply haven't met the right man at the right time who wants the same as you.

There is a HUGE element of luck to that. I married at 30 having dated and fallen in love many times since I was 15. Sometimes they ended it, sometimes I did. I spent 5 years with someone who was wrong for me, (he had issues) which ate up a lot of my 20s.

I met DH through a friend of a friend but at the same time I had a busy social life and was also meeting men through friends, going out, sports, etc.

Maybe you have spent too long in previous relationships with men who weren't right for you and you lacked the 'culling' touch. That's something to bear in mind. No good hanging on to things that aren't working as you get older.

I'm very happy to read your online profile if you want an anon view of it. Might help?

Thank you, that’s so kind. I do seem to get matched with all the people I like so I don’t think it is necessarily a profile problem. I have no issue getting the dates and being asked for a second one, I’m just never into it! Only once have I been interested in a second date.

The poster who said do the knitting class for me...I get that and I appreciate the point you’re tying to make, but my entire opening post is about the fact that I’ve literally done all the courses, holidays, classes, volunteering I wanted to do. I don’t want to do these things anymore, I want my time to be invested in a family.

Invest that time that you want to invest in a family in yourself. Go to counselling, start journaling, do some reading about attachment styles and the impact they have on relationships and start to fully understand yourself and what makes you tick. That is the most likely way to translate into something positive with a partner.

@Broken2019 Have you analysed what is not working for you with your dates? For example, do you specify which hobbies you have, what you like (in your profile) and hope you can meet a man who shares some? ie if you like running, do you say something like you want someone sporty and not a couch potato?

On the dates you have, is it a lack of chemistry? You see for me, when I was dating, centuries back, I'd have put the men into categories- those nice as friends but no sexual chemistry, those where I wanted to shag them but thought they were unsuitable in other ways, and maybe some who ticked both boxes.

But I kissed a lot of frogs before I met DH. This was before OLD existed- I'd meet them in bars, night clubs, friends of friends, work etc. So I had seen them once before a 'date'.

I think you have more of a chance of meeting someone if you DO stuff- go and build stone walls for a weekend with the National trust, volunteer for the London Marathon as a marshall, get outside of your daily life and GO WHERE GUYS GO. Talk to men, be receptive- you can even meet men in the queue in Tesco or waiting for a train.

Might be worth asking if you are giving off closed body language or are looking open and friendly.

You'd be amazed at how people meet other people in quite ordinary everyday places by looking pleasant and engaging in chats.

You're very clear about what you want and as such you should go all out to get it. I'm not saying that counselling wouldn't be beneficial, it almost certainly would but alongside that you need to widen your search. The fact that you are getting as many dates as you are shows that you are attractive, you just maybe need to look elsewhere to places where you can get to know men without the pressure of it being a date.
I know several couples who have met via Meet up so definitely join that and also pick a sport where there are likely to me men (cycling and climbing come to mind!). If you do continue Internet dating give men more of a chance, the very exciting ones aren't always the best marriage material, go on the second date before you decide.
Good luck!

Thanks, I’m not actually sure I am that attractive to be honest, definitely wouldn’t say I was classically attractive anyway!!

I guess I need to do more things, it is joust daunting doing it alone I think.