My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

Most people can benefit from counselling.
If you've had a deprived childhood in and not explored this with professional help then it is almost inevitably going to affect you today.

It is also true that the grass is not so much greener but can be a different colour than you expected when you get there.
I survived an awful childhood, got some great counselling, found a steady chap whom I would not have considered previously, and have ended up a single parent with two kids with ASD.
I adore them, but it is not the 'family life' I envisioned or waited so long for.
Get some counselling. Stay open minded re other people and 'what you are looking for'. Do some different things. You WILL find someone. But it may well be not what you expect. Good luck with it.x

go do a PGCE

Lol at the idea that you can just go and train to be a teacher to get over boredom with your current life.

Is that true about fostering and giving up jobs? My friend certainly hasn’t , is single and has a high flying job

So sorry to hear that you are dreading your birthday OP and I hope things look up for you soon 😊

@user1479305498 In my local authority and most others in England (not sure about rest of UK and Ireland), yes. I don’t know how your friend has managed it. There was recently a thread on here by a devastated woman who had put a lot of effort and hope into being able to foster only to be turned down at the very first interview because she was “completely unsuitable for fostering” due to being a solicitor and not being able to give up full time work.

With couples they are usually advised that one parent needs to stay at home full time. It makes a lot of sense given the trauma that most children in the foster care system go through and the fact that a high number have complex health needs. The children have to come first so there will be lots of outside intervention, appointments to be taken to, supervised parental or other family access, therapy etc. Fostering is a generally full time job and very different to parenting a biological, neurotypical child without any disabilities or past trauma.

With adoption, generally its accepted that you need to take one full year’s adoption leave. If the child being adopted is school aged this may be slightly flexible but certainly being able to have enough savings to get through and extended period of unpaid leave.

I’ve worked with Looked After Children for many years and I’m planning on adoption as a single person in two or three years. It’s taken years of planning and work already. I’m 35 now and began the process just before turning 33.

Fostering and adoption may not feel like the right thing for her even though the op wants her own family

Thank you so much for the posts. I haven’t had time to read them all yet as I am at work but I will be reading every single one.

To answer a few questions...I do love my parents a lot and I have had to forgive some of the things that happened simply because I know it wasn’t intentional and they didn’t mean to hurt me. They just made mistakes and as an adult I know they didn’t mean to make me feel like I was neglected.

I’m pretty sure I am heterosexual.

I agree I should probably go out with people again and that although I am not expecting a fairytale (especially not in a marriage with kids and all the related exhaustion!), I am excepting there to be a connection very fast and a feeling of more than ‘yeah you’re nice enough...’

Fostering and adopting and donors etc are all great options but I just know I would still want that family unit with a marriage. I don’t think it would be fair to bring a child into my life like that just as another ‘filler’

As for feeling depressed, I don’t know if it’s depression. Sometimes I wake up in the night and honestly just want to end it there and then. I feel so lonely and shit about things. Like tonight... choices are have an evening alone or go on a date with someone I probably will never want to see again. I just want to go home to my (non existent) family!

Hi I'm you have options here.
I second having counselling even if it's just to chat with someone who has no attachment to you whatsoever.
How much do you want a child?
Are you prepared to be a single parent?
Would you consider sperm donor?
That would not stop your chance of merit g a partner in the future and might take some of the pressure of a future partner.
I wish I could remember the website I found written by two psychologists about relationships, it was excellent. Basically it said that what we are looking for can be loosely divided into 3 categories. I cant remember how these categories were listed but the basic premise was that in order to find lasting love you have prioritise the 1st category which included deep thinking things such as: do you want a partner who is trustworthy, kind, ambitious those sort of qualities.
The next section was things which are important but not quite as important. The third section was qualities such as; I want a partner who is 6 foot tall, has blue eyes, blonde hair, a six pack and so on.
It said that most people make the mistake of prioritising this last section. Long lasting relationships are not built on those things. Last long relationships ( happy ones) are build on qualities within the first section and you have to be clear about those and find a partner with those.
So for example a 50 year marriage will not be built on the fact that a person has blue eyes but rather that that person is loyal which is a quality the other person finds uncompromising.

Another thing.
Look at what you truly want, not what you think you want.

'
To answer a few questions...I do love my parents a lot and I have had to forgive some of the things that happened simply because I know it wasn’t intentional and they didn’t mean to hurt me. They just made mistakes and as an adult I know they didn’t mean to make me feel like I was neglected.
'
I love my parents, but it has been extremely useful and sometimes painful to go over all of that, to unravel who I am and to understand the unconscious blocks I had put in place.

Forgiving is very different to understanding yourself.

Would you consider a life coach? Someone who's absolutely on your side and rooting for you and could give you advice and see how it went afterwards might be just what you need.

chemicalworld that is exactly how I feel. It is so hard to find any sort of connection early on, even when they seem to. I have also always had relationships after friendships first

What sort of attachment disorder is this? And what book is there I could get in the meantime before I started counselling? Does anyone know...

In that case it maybe sounds as though you are going to need to be prepared to put in the work and accept you cannot have everything you want in a partnership. I get the impression you imagine married life with children to be very different from the reality. A lot of it is very boring and you have decided to have a very low boredom threshold.

Do you have many close friends op?

I'm not sure it's a disorder, I think getting together after friendship is more natural than getting together after a couple of dates. It's about allowing a friendship to develop, maybe some of us are just better/ more secure after knowing someone properly first.

Some excellent advice I was given that I suggest you consider. Give anyone 3 dates before ruling them out. We’re not all great on a first or second date but start to relax on a 3rd date. If you’re asked out and have time go.

Be kind to yourself and good luck.

How are you meeting these dates?

@Parent999

I am in a very dull meeting shaking with laughter at your first post

Thank you !

It was very obviously a joke to me

I agree @MarshaBradyo and, even as someone who is open to that route, I despair when I see it mentioned so often and so flippantly on here. I know it’s well meaning but it’s an extremely complicated path that really isn’t for everyone. It’s an especially lonely, stressful and difficult process as a single person.

Feeling sad about things or a sense of emptiness does not mean depression or needing counselling. It's perfectly okay and human to feel lonely and wanting to belong to family.

Trying to explain away your feelings through counselling will not always work. You know what would help fill that void. The question is how do you get it. What changes can you make to help you build that family unit you want. None of us is perfect and will have all sorts of childhood baggage. The answer can't be that everyone needs counselling.

Best of luck.

@Broken2019 it was me that chemical quoted in that post.

Therapy is the best option (I have a fearful avoidant attachment disorder) but there is a book called “Attached” by Levine and Heller that may help. There are also decent quizzes online. I can’t find the one I did but it was from a University department based on Bowlby’s initial research.

I’ve found the Baggage Reclaim website to be helpful too. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed by Jasmin Cori and all the inner child books helpful.

The main thing for those with attachment disorders that helps to know is that you must seek a relationship with a person with a secure attachment if you want it to work. My last relationship was with an avoidant and it nearly destroyed me. Luckily it lead me to therapy! And that’s made so much difference.

I really disagree that you should go on second/third dates with men you don’t fancy or realistically don’t stand a chance with you. It’s a horrible feeling and not morally great either. I think I’m like you. I was abused as a child and for some reason men fancying me puts me off them (to go back to the Groucho Marx quote!)
Counselling is the way forward OP.

This is me @Broken2019;

the-love-compass.com/2013/09/17/the-fearful-avoidant-attachment-style/

Thankfully it’s a rarer attachment style! It may be that, given the positive aspects of your childhood, you have a less complex attachment.