My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

For what it's worth I have a child and I feel exactly like you . I am always the odd one out every where I go . I am not enjoying any of this parenting malarkey but I am doing it because I have to as I chose to bring a child to the world.
I wish you all the best and happy birthday 🎂

My attachment issues led me to desperately look for the knight in shining armour to rescue me. I’d been taught I couldn’t rely on myself. Yours have led you to do the opposite. After I had dd I realised I needed a lot of therapy despite having had a fair bit prior. Having children definitely brings up all the childhood issues.

My advice would also be to get back into therapy and find someone, who will pushes you whilst still being professional and boundaries. This may make you feel uncomfortable at times and want to run away but it’s a process. If you can get through this, you’ll hopefully peel away some of the external shell preventing you from finding someone to share your life with.

There is no the right one. There are a bunch of people out there, with whom you have a potential to build a future. You just need to give one or two of them a chance to see the real you and find a connection. I don’t agree with forcing yourself to go on a second date. But I do find it hard to believe that not one of these guys were second date material.

What sort of dates have you been on? My idea of hell would be a first date that was just drinks or a meal because I'd find it too much pressure to make conversation.
When I was single I'd always suggest dates that involved doing something so that even if we didn't click romantically I'd usually have fun anyway. With DH our first proper date was 10-pin bowling, if he'd been an ultra-competitive dick I wouldn't have bothered with a second date.

You're unlikely to fall in love on a first date. You need to give some more time to the best of the bunch.

I hear you OP, and agree dating is difficult, especially if you are not entirely sure what you are looking for.

It's different for me because I was married for many years and have a DS but my marriage ended 5 years ago and I did all the single stuff and loved it, but then I realised I didn;t want to spend the rest of my life alone.

I did dating....a lot of dating and one thing I learned was you can't write someone off too quickly. If you meet someone and immediately get the ick and think oh no, I don't like you at all then obv no second date but if you don't feel like that then you need to try and get to know them a bit more. I dated one guy once, first time I met him I wasn't sure at all, didn't really fancy him although he seemed a nice enough guy but the second time I met him, I thought he was gorgeous. I am used to my own company now and have become quite selfish, but with my current partner I have learned I can't have it all my own way so I compromise.

But yes, be more open to giving these guys a chance and you may be surprised. Long lasting love/relationships tend to work better starting ona friendship/slow burn basis, things built on lust rarely seem to work, in my experience anyway. But I get you, feeling lonely is the worst feeling in the world, and you can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. Be kind to yourself, you will get there.

Try second dates with some of them. I never thought I'd end up with my partner, I thought he was just going to be a nice friend to chat to. But lots of trips to the cinema later (weren't really dates or at least we never said they were) and I started to fall for him.

I never thought I would find anyone. I'm like a social outcast, don't like drinking, don't like parties, detest dancing, don't smoke, dont do drugs etc I do nothing that people around here class as 'fun'. You will find someone definitely, I'm sure of it. You need to give them a chance though. First dates are not much of a shot. Too nervous to get to know each other, even if you don't feel it.

**I think the idea of children is nice to most people (not me I’d rather die) but in reality they are truly terrible, freedom killers!!

Im not sure this is helpful in any way OP sounds as though she knows exactly what she wants and believe it or not, some people really do love having and raising their own children... more so, for some of us, they are the loves and lights of our lives. Mine certainly are.

OP, I would say your feelings sound completely valid and you definitely shouldn’t be pushing relationships with people you don’t fancy. Keep trying though, keep saying yes to invitations and stay open to dating because you’re too young to give up!!!!

I think @Megan2018 has a point.

My DP (5 years living together) is physically different to all my previous partners and exh. I didn't meet him through online dating, but because we kept meeting within a group situation. It took a few times of meeting and speaking but I fell for his charm and character, and then boom! The physical attraction all came in.

I sympathize OP. I feel exactly the same but with a partner but no kids. No mortgage, hundreds of thousands in bank, expensive holidays etc but for what? It seems empty without a family.

I’m your birthday twin, I’m going to be 32 on monday!

I hate to say it and it’s probably just because you’re feeling low but you sound very negative. If your post is how you generally feel about your life no wonder you’re feeling hopeless. Have you ever had a relationship? Do you have hobbies? Friends? Is there anything in your life that gives you pleasure? How about adoption? Or fostering?

I may have missed it but do you have friends or is this a difficult area too.
I also think counciling, it's not just about finding a fantasy life,you need to be able to get joy from the simple things around you.Also to have a child you need to be able to emotionally connect to them at all times,it doesn't arrive with the child ,it has to be already within you.You need to find that first.
I hope you find some happiness,your first post sounded like a long wail of despair.

Just came on to echo suggestions about having therapy.

And also to say, Parent999 what the fuck? Get your head out of your arse. Sheesh.

@Parent999 I love it...very apt

I think you sound bright, level headed, stylish and accomplished. For what it’s worth I’d date you!

I also think you sound like you might have an ambivalent attachment style, it might be worth trying to find a therapist/ counsellor who has expertise in adult attachment styles.

Make yourself give them a 2nd date.
I am not talking about sex or kissing, just going somewhere else for coffee, a walk or something....
You may be asexual and need friendship before you feel anything.

Go on a second and third and fourth date, you won't know if you like them until you get to know them

@Bezalle
Can you and others leave @Parent999 alone now please. She has apologised.

Personally I was roaring as it is very true. However I can see why the post was upsetting and ill judged on this type of thread.

Op, would you consider fostering or adoption?

If you really want a baby then just find a way to have one. You have the rest of your life to find a partner but a baby is a time sensitive thing unfortunately.

I wasn't sure of my amazing dh on the first date. Second date we clicked and after 2 months we knew that was it. 11 years later and still in love.

I was 40 and he a good bit older. Both of us had dcs, his dd adult.

You've had good advice on here about exploring counselling. Maybe even getting ot down on here has helped?

It*

OP I realise that what you are yearning for is a partner and a family but are you still enjoying work? You are obviously highly successful - well done- but maybe you need to look at your career as well as a way to shake things up.
I agree re therapy and also re some second dates - but only if you feel neutral to ok about the guy. Don't push past real aversion. Your intuiy is important.

Intuition.

What are your interests outside of work? In your shoes I’d be doing a different hobby three times per week. Something social. Salsa dancing, rock climbing, canoeing...not something purely female dominated. I knew my DH for three years as friends before we got together. You probably need a friendship first. I don’t fancy men before I know them either. It’s why I’ve never done OLD. They’re all boring on paper. In your shoes I’d sell my house (or rent it out to cover mortgage), dump the job and go travelling for 6 months. In the meantime apply for something crazy like a masters in archaeology. Have you been to Uni? If not, apply for a first degree in something interesting like geography. Pick a good uni with lots going on (like oxford or Brighton or bristol) you hate your life and you have no responsibilities so you might as well radically change it. Or go do a PGCE. It’s only a year commitment and if you don’t like it you can do something else at the end of the year.

Reading massively between the lines OP, you seem risk averse. You talk about wanting the messy reality of 'life' and yet protect yourself- no second date, bored with everything. You perhaps need a massive change in how you live. Sell the house and go travelling for a year. Change direction completely job-wise. If life bores you go and do something new and scary.