My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

@Broken2019 create your own family so!! I would in your shoes.

Don't feel daunted -nearly everyone goes to Meet ups alone, same with a lot of clubs....a lot less daunting than internet dating!

First dates are a bit like a new tv series or watching somebody else’s favourite soap, i think. You don’t know the characters and they all seam a bit odd/stilted. You don’t know the back story, in jokes etc. So I agree it might be in your best interests to stick with people a little longer ( if they don’t completely put you off at first meeting!). Good luck x

OP, can I ask what kind of dates you've been going on? I would find it incredibly hard to fancy anyone I'd been for a drink and dinner with, or to the cinema with. Because you don't get a glimpse of them dynamically in these situations. They're situations that really lack the opportunity for emotional intimacy (imho).

Why don't you allow yourself five dates with each of the next 'nice enough' men you meet but make sure these dates are really varied - do something scary together - a Go Ape or similar. Do something quirky together- go to a strange exhibition or audience participation film night. Ask him to tell you a handful of small things on his bucket list of places to see or things to try he's never got round to and surprise him with one. Ask him to do the same for you. Suggest you volunteer together for a day somewhere. Give each other the chance to be vulnerable, to act spontaneously, to show what you are good at. Try to spark an intellectual debate - not a fight but a real exchange of opinions on something one of you really cares about.

On around the fifth date, why not do one of those boring domestic things you long to do - go around a supermarket together to buy a picnic, or go to an antiques fair to find a piece of furniture for a your living room. Why not?

If you have five dates like this with a few different men, you might find that one of them stands out as having something about him that really appeals to you.

Like you I was painfully lonely until I met DH. I was bitterly jealous of my DSis and D Brother who both met their partners at uni, married, had kids and spent their lives mowing lawns and making Sunday roasts and taking the kids to the park or the beach. My life looked so exotic as I travelled a lot with work, but I wanted their life.

On reflection, I think I started out going for men who are like my dad - very dramatic and self-important and passionate about life but entirely selfish. I had a long period of my own when I realised I wanted a man as opposite from my father in every way as I could find. And I found DH, who is. married late but together for 25 years with two DC and we both adore domestic life.

growling thank you for your post. It is so much of a comfort to know I’m not alone for feeling this bitterness for my sibling!

I agree with you on the dates thing too. It is better to do something different to just sitting and talking. I would find it daunting to do different things to going to a bar I think, but it makes sense definitely.

Going to a bar obviously isn't working for you if you are bored by the end of the evening. People aren't themselves in a bar with a stranger Everyone is on best behaviour. Or men can get sleazy. But it doesn't help create real emotional connection.

I know you say you've done a thousand and one fun things alone, but are there any things you've not done that you'd like to but don't because you'd prefer to do them with a man? Can you suggest something more interesting next time? I think the reason people have affairs at work is because they see each other being their true selves - being talented or confident at what they do, coping with humour or energy when problems kick in. Much easier to see who you are compatible with,

That’s so interesting growling I had never thought of it like that! Looking back actually the best moments in the past have been when I’ve been on a date and then we’ve stopped and got petrol or had to wait for a train delay and so on! Makes total sense actually that you see the real person in real situations not a staged date in a bar.

I also agree about work affairs having seen them a lot in the office!

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you need to push past the feeling of slight boredom on the first date. Obviously in an ideal world it would be fireworks and you’d be talking non stop till midnight but I think in reality it isn’t like that.

Like someone else said people can be nervous on first dates, sitting in a bar or restaurant it’s kind of like a job interview with wine! So you either keep going on a few more dates with someone and see if as you get to know them more things improve or change your date location. Do something different like go for a hike, or go to the zoo, or do an escape room!

There’s apparently a dating site where you suggest what. you would like to do....theatre, Go Ape, kayaking etc. And people opt into things they fancy so it’s less of a meat market. Can’t remember what it’s called though which isn’t very helpful.

Yes, I think it's that 'staged date' thing that's putting you off. Not the men themselves. You've not had a chance to glimpse who they are in that set up. If you are looking for someone to choose paint with (be comfortable domestically) no wonder you don't get the right feeling from how they behave when they go for drinks.

I'd take a man on a cookery course date. That'll give you a glimpse of who he is.

OP - I felt like you....I felt like I'd tried everything.

I'd been single for nearly 5 years. I went to a workshop on dating advertised on Meetup (I figured it might be interesting and men there would be single so win-win).

It was by a woman called Hayley Quinn. So much of what she said made sense to me that I went up to speak to her at the end and I found out she did 1-2-1 coaching.

It was not cheap but I figured I would spend money on clothes/holidays/whatever and other things way less important to me than finding someone and having a family.

I met someone while I was doing coaching with her and I honestly think that while I still would have met that guy, it wouldn't have worked out without (a) working with Hayley and (b) also doing counselling at the same time.

It's worth investing the money, you may be making all kinds of decisions sub-consciously that are keeping you stuck in the same situation

This is a link to Hayley's site (I'm not in any way affiliated with her or anything, she just made a big difference to how I approached dating)

www.hayleyquinn.com/women/

OP - I could have written that myself a few years ago. I understand 100% how you feel. It sucks! I met someone when I was 38 and at 39 I became a mother, hard work but I don’t want my previous life back.

You still have time. I haven’t read all your updates but I just wanted to pop by and say you are not the only one feeling this way and that things can change. Give your dates a second chance, read a few books on relationships (even some crappy ones), get some therapy. All the best

Also - think about asking questions on the date that mean you start to see something a bit deeper like values.

Dates full of questions like 'What kind of music do you like?' and 'Do you have siblings?' are boring and don't tell you much about the person and what they really value.

Sorry to go on about it but one of the things I did with Hayley was answer a load of questions that really drilled in to the kind of person I was looking for - what kind of values they would have, what kind of things we should have in common, what things were 'dealbreakers'.

Leading on from that what kind of statements/discussion topics/questions on a date would give me an insight into these areas...

OP I have been in that position, and was in it for far to long, and it feels terrible. Like a mouse on a wheel, great career with all the trappings, but just ended up on a Friday feeling there is no point to any of this.
My life is like this, a fantastic high flyer, but I'm a complete disaster when it comes to relationships. I have made such terrible decisions, when choosing partners. I can't even bear thinking about my last choice, who turned out to be a class A drug addict. I do have counselling, because I realise I need it. I have no desire to date at the moment, I decline all offers because I'm not ready.
This may sound crazy, but my animals have saved me, I am responsible for these little fur faces, who are all rescues. I love them unconditionally and when I'm sitting in another shitty meeting, I think I can't wait to get back home to see them. They have giving me meaning, and a sense of purpose.
We put to much emphasis on life being in a great relationship, it's like searching for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I don't think I'll ever find it, but actually I'm ok with that now. I haven't given up hope, but I am not going to lose sleep over it.
I used to rattle about in my house thinking if only I had a decent partner, and it made me miserable. I now appreciate everything I've worked so long and hard for.
My greatest joy at the moment is having a really good coffee in the garden, and watching the stampede of furry paws wrecking it. I love it!
Be kind to yourself OP, and stop beating yourself up. X

Icepink, I am wondering (genuinely) who looks after pets if you are a working and single?

The stuff about drama, your previous unsuitable partners and childhood emotional neglect is counselling central. No way have you dealt with all of that.

If that’s right then I feel I really have ran out of time. It seems so easy for everyone else to start a new relationship

Orangebluetent, I have a pet sitter most days, and if I'm working in the office from home that's not a problem. If I'm away they have a lady who comes in and lives here.
It's all manageable.

@Broken2019 I'll pray for you for God to lift the depression and for you to meet your husband very soon. Have faith.

As a child I was left alone emotionally and sometimes physically left alone. I had huge jealously with one of my siblings as she was very talented in all areas. I’m over that now as an adult but it felt shit as a child. Do these things seem like links? I don’t see it.

You sound emotionally numb and not over your childhood neglect, with the greatest of respect, and a massive link.

Sorry you’re feeling so low OP

When I was 28 I felt exactly the same. I had a good job, good pay, I lived alone in a beautiful flat and I was so lonely. It genuinely felt like my life had no purpose.

What was the point in going to work everyday to earn money to spend it on nothing meaningful.

I was part of a close circle of friends, there were 5 of us, and I was the only one who wasn’t in a long term relationship, or married, or a mother or pregnant. I felt like such an outsider, it was like everyone else’s lives were going in the right direction whereas I just felt so stagnant. I was very jealous of the lives they had in comparison to mine.

One night I really snapped at my best friend, I was really nasty to her, I made some really spiteful comments to her which were all based around her being married and having a child - it was nothing more than jealousy. I was so bitter and unhappy.

I turned to online dating and met numerous men, some of which I went on a few dates with and some that I had absolutely no interest in seeing them again.

One day I went on a date with a guy and he was nice enough but I didn’t feel a spark. I didn’t feel particularly attracted to him and although I could chat away easily to him there just didn’t feel that ‘connection’ that I thought I should feel. It was almost like I was looking for love at first sight. I did agree to a second date though but I didn’t feel any differently towards him after it.

He wanted a third date but I felt so disinterested, I just didn’t feel any urge to see him again. I spoke to my best friend (the one I mentioned above) and she told me to just give the guy a chance and that sometimes love can grow and I need to give things more time.

I can’t say I bought into it but I took her advice and met up with the guy again. I don’t know what happened on that date but something just changed, things clicked, and I started feeling happy whenever I thought of him.

Anyhow - 4 months later I moved in with him, two years later we were married and now we have two children together.

I often thing back to when my friend gave me her advice because if she hadn’t then I would never have gone on that third date - and I wonder how differently my life would have turned out.

Sorry my post has been so long - I just wanted to show you that I fully empathise with how you are feeling and that it’s perfectly natural to feel this way. But I also wanted to show you how life can take you by surprise when you least expect it and before you know it you are walking down a whole new wonderful path.

Keep dating and as others have said, don’t be so quick to dismiss them because a few dates down the line he may turn out to be the man you eventually share your future with.

I don't see that you've run out of time. 35 is hardly one foot in the grave. I would however investigate more counselling asap. Why waste any more time than you have to with these issues? Start the work now.

Nothing to add re. relationships or therapy etc.

Except to say, I look back on my time alone living in a flat - about 6 years in my 30s - as a good time. I did feel desperate and so on at times - I really did want to meet a lovely man, and I never did by the way - but it was also a time of freedom and growth. And sometimes I wish I was back living that life! It was hard bringing up a child alone (I have a teenager now, single parent).

However, I know during my 30s I did feel a bit 'lost', without ballast so to speak, and I was sometimes bored and frustrated in my job and my life I think; there was a lack of purpose and I felt a fish out of water (didn't fit in with all the married people at the office etc etc). When I look back I see I did have options, but didn't quite have the imagination or knowledge or resources or courage or commitment to make them happen. I think some therapy or 'personal development' might help you to discover some things there ...

There have been some great ideas on this thread.

I'd just add that I'd try OLDing men outside your criteria as long as they're not actively repulsive / dealbreakers. I was looking for someone in the same broad type of job as me when I was OLD in my mid-thirties, but getting nowhere. I then decided to meet everyone who asked, and DH was the fifth or six of those random dates I went on. He was so not what I thought I needed, but he ticked all the boxes for the really important stuff - sense of humour, kindness, wanted kids and hotness . I think the advice to go to an offbeat exhibition or art house film or something rather than a bar is really good too, it gives you something interesting to discuss.

OP I had pretty much the same experience as QueenofmyPrinces. Gave it three dates and I started to think what a nice guy he was and everything changed. I was almost 34 and we have two DDs. It is definitely not too late but you need to give them a chance. Unfortunately it's also a numbers game, so even to have a few lined up might be a good strategy. Quite often fireworks on the first day doesn't always bode well.