Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His money or fanily money

111 replies

noseynelly · 14/08/2019 23:41

Been with dp 10 years, 2 DC. I gave up work after 2nd child but I now make a bit of money working from home, by bit I mean enough to use for days out etc.. I am looking for a job now too and it hopefully won't be long.
Question is this: Do you see you dps money as family money or his money if you don't work?
Dp recently made a purchase for the house and didn't consult me or tell me what he was getting, usually if we need anything we sit and discuss and decide together, some things I'm not bothered about or he isn't and we tell the other to choose whatever, we're both quite easy going with it but usually I do a lot of research before a big purchase.
I asked him how come he didn't discuss it with me this time his answer was it's my money coming out of my pocket I can decide what I want.
For what it's worth I barely spend on myself, I buy my clothes off eBay ffs or in the sale, we're not struggling but we def don't have a lot of spare cash.
I don't know why he said what he said but it me feel upset because I thought it was 'our' money but clearly it's not.
AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 14/08/2019 23:55

It depends on how big, if it's came out of money that he sees as his own and not the central pot for the household he maybe thought he was doing something good?

KnightError · 14/08/2019 23:57

My XH was a complete wanker on many fronts which I won't go into heres, but all money (which he earned - I was a SAHM) was family money. Any purchases of any significance were joint decisions. In effect, any purchases at all were 'joint', as we had one (shared) current account, one (joint) credit card and one (shared) savings account. For all his many faults, he never pulled the 'it's my money because I earn it' card. He knew that I had given up an equal job to his, in order to look after our children, and regarded that as a joint decision too.

Original poster
noseynelly · 15/08/2019 00:00

We don't have a joint account but we both decided I shouldn't work until youngest is in school and I have the extra tiny bit of money from my job at home.
He doesn't treat me like a 'partner in other respcts either, so this comment really bothered me.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 15/08/2019 00:00

If his money is his, where is the joint money stored and what's the joint budget?

These are the questions I would ask repeatedly until he provided a workable solution. He created the problem by stopping sharing!

Purpleartichoke · 15/08/2019 00:03

Family money.

DH and I always have family money. It’s the only way it can work if one partner is more in charge of the children.

The attitude that it is his money while you are busy raising his child at the very least warrants marriage counseling. It’s down right offensive and disrespectful to the work you are doing.

If he won’t change his attitude about this, I would refuse to take on the primary parenting role going forward. It needs to be a 50:50 split. That means he covers half of doctors appts, half of sick days, half of school holidays, half of buying birthday gifts for friends, half of maintaining the ever changing wardrobe of growing children...
Unless you have a real partner, you can’t let him advance his career while yours suffers

BumbleBeee69 · 15/08/2019 00:11

Do you have access to any of his income OP Flowers

GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/08/2019 07:41

If you are married then it is family money. You and he are legal partners and his debts are your debts and his windfall is your windfall.
If you are not married, then it is his money. He can spend it on you and the children, but it is his gift to you, not something you have any legal right to a share of.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but that is one difference between living together and being legally married.

KnightError · 15/08/2019 07:49

GeorgiaGirl does make a reasonable point, legally. Morally, your DP's money should all be family money, because you're a family and your career has taken a back seat so you can look after your joint children.

I was bloody glad I'd married XH, though, when it came to divorcing him. I was up shit creek emotionally by this point, but would have been financially as well, had we not been married.

Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 08:03

You’re not married, so at least legally, it’s his money! I’m glad you’re seeking out a job because you’ve left yourself quite vulnerable.

BrassicaBabe · 15/08/2019 08:03

Sadly GeorgiaGirl is spot on OP. You need to think about ways of protecting yourself be that earning your own money or marriage.

NameChangeNugget · 15/08/2019 08:06

You’re technically single, so it’s his money however, he’s being an arse

Chitarra · 15/08/2019 08:06

When I was a SAHM it was family money and DH thought the same. We were married though. In your situation OP you should either go back to work full-time or get married, as it's clear your DP does not consider you an equal partner.

AmIThough · 15/08/2019 08:08

I think it completely depends on your family dynamic and is absolutely a conversation you should have had before you stopped working.

sheshootssheimplores · 15/08/2019 08:08

I see the money as his money, as he earned it, however if he made a huge purchase that fucked his family over, I’d be apocalyptic.

This probably works well for us as I’m naturally very frugal and enjoy shopping at thrift stores and he doesn’t really spend much on himself at all bar the purchase of a decent car every few years.

Shoxfordian · 15/08/2019 08:11

@GeorgiaGirl52 is right
Sadly he isn't treating you like an equal partner. Is there a reason you're not married?

Sunshinegirl82 · 15/08/2019 08:17

What is your housing situation? Based on his approach to this I would be taking urgent steps to secure your financial position.

You might have decided jointly that you would stop work but I imagine that if you split up the fact you don't work will be your problem alone to deal with and he'll pay the minimum maintenance and no more.

Rightly or wrongly, if you're not married the sacrifices you have made to enable him to work whilst you look after the children are not recognised at all and will not be considered. You will have to secure your own position.

OhtheHillsareAlive · 15/08/2019 08:19

And you say DP, OP - if you're not married, and you've given up work outside the home to raise your (joint) children, then you've taken a big risk.

jeanne16 · 15/08/2019 08:19

I think you are crazy to have given up work, especially since you are not married. You need to get a proper job and that will make you equals. Then all finances, childcare , housework etc can be split 50:50.

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2019 08:21

How do you access money, OP?

Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 08:23

I think you are crazy to have given up work, especially since you are not married. You need to get a proper job and that will make you equals. Then all finances, childcare , housework etc can be split 50:50

THIS!

Oldraver · 15/08/2019 08:24

I'm not married and work intermittently. All money is our money and is shared. OH values me having stayed at home for so long and would never of said what your OH did

Lordamighty · 15/08/2019 08:25

If you are not married then take it as a wake up call. You have just been given an insight into his way of thinking and it’s not good.
Do the dcs just belong to you then, seeing as you’re the one that did all the hard work in producing them & the majority of the childcare?
He is an arse.

Rosielily · 15/08/2019 08:29

He doesn't treat me like a 'partner in other respcts either, so this comment really bothered me.

Can you elaborate?

Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 08:30

@Oldraver I'm not married and work intermittently. All money is our money and is shared. OH values me having stayed at home for so long and would never of said what your OH did

Not legally it isn’t! Legally it’s your OH’s money! If things go sour which is always a possibility you’re as vulnerable as the OP.

AnnaMagnani · 15/08/2019 08:32

Well in my family it's me that works and DH that doesn't. And it's family money.

Joint account, any big spends discussed, DH does his own thing, no quibbling about stuff he needs (OMG the cost of his glasses!)

Equally he is having a large inheritance soon and treating that as family money.

Only thing we really disagree on is cost of my dream cooker to which my response is that I have wanted that cooker longer than I have wanted him so cooker is coming.

With you not being married, you are v vulnerable. Is it you or him that didn't want to be married?