His money or fanily money

[noseynelly]

Been with dp 10 years, 2 DC. I gave up work after 2nd child but I now make a bit of money working from home, by bit I mean enough to use for days out etc.. I am looking for a job now too and it hopefully won't be long.
Question is this: Do you see you dps money as family money or his money if you don't work?
Dp recently made a purchase for the house and didn't consult me or tell me what he was getting, usually if we need anything we sit and discuss and decide together, some things I'm not bothered about or he isn't and we tell the other to choose whatever, we're both quite easy going with it but usually I do a lot of research before a big purchase.
I asked him how come he didn't discuss it with me this time his answer was it's my money coming out of my pocket I can decide what I want.
For what it's worth I barely spend on myself, I buy my clothes off eBay ffs or in the sale, we're not struggling but we def don't have a lot of spare cash.
I don't know why he said what he said but it me feel upset because I thought it was 'our' money but clearly it's not.
AIBU to feel this way?

Thank you to everyone who's given me positive advice.

Yes I have to ask him for money if I need it but like I said I use my own first then if I need anymore I'll ask.
He does some months just transfer some into my account, it's only enough to cover if I've got a big shop to do etc..
I pick up groceries everyday from my own money a fiver here a tenner there etc..

I think it's great you've identified what's going on here and your way out.

Once you're working the fact that you're not married may work in your favour, the house is in your name, the mortgage is quite small and he can sling his hook, the unpleasant git.

He will moan and groan but it sounds like he does anyway. He spends money on himself but sees you as a household appliance so doesn't see why you should have anything spent on you. He doesn't care about you, that much is obvious.

Don't worry too much about after school care, lots of kids do it, it's part of life now. Better than what you have now.

Just to clarify if we buy another property then it would be seen as a let to buy? And we'd need more deposit to put down?
I'm just trying to see what he's lied about or maybe he's got confused about stuff

The deposit thing may be true although it’s not as straightforward as saying if you’re married you need a bigger deposit. But, for example, he may have bought the second house on a residential mortgage rather than a buy to let which would mean a lower deposit (buy to let generally require at least 25%). So we would need more details as to what he means.

You might not be better off married depending on the total assets as you have the house in your name anyway. I wouldn’t rush into anything

No if you buy a second property and rent the first one out. The first one will probably need a new buy to let mortgage.

The property you rent out needs a buy to let mortgage, probably (you would need to speak to your mortgage provider and I am not sure you will get one in your own name) Not the one you live in.

To buy a second property, because you already have a mortgage that you are liable for, you will probably need a bigger deposit because only your partner earns income.

If your tenants move out, and it takes a while to get a new tenant, you need to be able to cover both mortgages.

Because you arent working, you will be classed as a dependent.

So they want to know your partner can afford living costs for all of you plus the mortgage on the rental plus the mortgage on the house you live in.

Which, unless he is a high earner is a big risk. They risk can be reduced by putting down a larger deposit. Until the 2nd mortgage is at a level where he can pay for everything.

It could be that a joint mortgage (because you already have one) will be difficult to get. But I would not recommended you putting in lots if the deposit and putting it, in his name only.

Theres also stamp duty to pay, because it's a second property, I believe.

Thank you,

I'm not going to be buying another property with him at all anymore I just wondered, my parents have always said they would give me up to 10k for a property when we were ready but I've never told dp this thus far.
I just need to if he is trying to manipulate me or just confused about the whole thing himself.
I am looking for a job I updated my cv last night in fact although I want to work on it a bit more.
I've put my entire trust in him and have been stupid to do so.

I'm a landlord (properties with no mortgage)

You don't work

If a tenant contacts you saying boiler broken or any other maintenance issues how will you pay for these ?
If the rent is late or a period with no tenants, how will you pay council tax, mortgage, bills ?

It's a big responsibility being a landlord !

Do not invest in property without consulting a financial advisor yourself

Do you have a private pension ?

Do not invest your patents money with him.

As I said before, as you arent married he doesnt have a right to your property.

However, since he is paying the mortgage, if you split and he gets shitty, he could try and argue that he has interest in your property. Some cases do win. It's rare, but it happens.

Well dont for looking at getting a job. As soon as you do, dont let him pay the mortgage.

Personally, I think you need out of this relationship asap. He doesnt see you as a family and I would be worried he only sees you as a meal ticket.

OP, you start off complaining that he's bought something without consulting you then said it's his money, but you also refer to him having 'his money' in some of your comments.
You have a house in your name that you paid the deposit for but he pays the mortgage. He's possibly paid so much more than you into the house than you have over time. You complain about what he spends money on (breakfast and lunches) and he complains about what you spend money on.
You need to decide, is this man worth staying with? That is completely YOUR decision. If you're that unhappy and don't think the relationship can be salvaged then that's what you must do. He has no say in it.
However, 2 things may happen. He may leave and not expect any money from the house which he has paid into for many years, or he may leave and want his share. Either way, unless you have a job you're going to struggle to pay the mortgage. Your parents may be able to use some of the money they were going to give you for a new house to pay him off, which would be great, but you still need to pay the mortgage, bills etc.
So, if you do decide to split up, before you announce this, get yourself a proper job earning proper money. After 10 years out of the loop this isn't going to be easy. You won't have the luxury of picking out the perfect job. Youll need some childcare sorted. Once you've got the job, make sure your salary is in your own account. Start paying the mortgage yourself, and split all the other bills. In other words, use the salary for everyday living, not for extras. When you've done all this, then is the time to tell him to leave.

soontobe60 you're right, I need to get myself a job sorted before I can leave otherwise it's going to be too difficult.
I never said I wasn't in the wrong in anyway, maybe it's more a case of that we're not right for each other and definitely not on the same page rather than it all just being his fault.
It will take me a while getting a job as I'd need to redo some qualifications if I got back into my previous career but at this point I feel like a job in retail may have to do while I think about qualifications

• Do you work or not?

If you dont you are vulnerable. *

As I said I work usually in term time.