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Original poster

His money or fanily money

111 replies

noseynelly · 14/08/2019 23:41

Been with dp 10 years, 2 DC. I gave up work after 2nd child but I now make a bit of money working from home, by bit I mean enough to use for days out etc.. I am looking for a job now too and it hopefully won't be long.
Question is this: Do you see you dps money as family money or his money if you don't work?
Dp recently made a purchase for the house and didn't consult me or tell me what he was getting, usually if we need anything we sit and discuss and decide together, some things I'm not bothered about or he isn't and we tell the other to choose whatever, we're both quite easy going with it but usually I do a lot of research before a big purchase.
I asked him how come he didn't discuss it with me this time his answer was it's my money coming out of my pocket I can decide what I want.
For what it's worth I barely spend on myself, I buy my clothes off eBay ffs or in the sale, we're not struggling but we def don't have a lot of spare cash.
I don't know why he said what he said but it me feel upset because I thought it was 'our' money but clearly it's not.
AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Original poster
noseynelly · 16/08/2019 18:38

I've told him that if we split then the house would be mine, he always says he's not bothered. He doesn't see this as a partnership, I don't know why, something seems to have changed but I don't know what

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 16/08/2019 19:42

why do you stay with him?
I hope the money he's paying towards your mortgage is not listed as 'mortgage' on his bank record showing payment to you?
Or is he paying it directly into the mortgage acc/bank?

he's slowly getting his greedy mitts on YOUR money/asset whilst at the same time keeping all 'his' money to himself - i mean why the hell should it count as family money for his kids and partner to use eh?

user1481840227 · 16/08/2019 20:54

Just be aware that what men say before a split and how they act after a split can be completely different.

I had several posts on forums before I split with my ex, I always said I was convinced he'd be a great dad no matter what and look after his responsibilities, I had so many women saying they thought the exact same thing but it changed after they split.

And it was true with my ex too, he had a breakdown and didn't see them for months, after that he was lazy and didn't put much effort in, as for contributing financially, ha, not a chance.

So please seek legal advice and protection about the house!

Flerkin · 16/08/2019 20:57

Please protect your house.

You telling him you are keeping it and him saying he isnt interested, isnt a guarantee he wont decide that he isnt willing to walk away after (as he sees it) he has paid your mortgage for x amount of years.

He might not get anything. But it's not worth the risk.

snowone · 16/08/2019 21:17

All money in our house is family money regardless of who earns it. My and DH are normally pretty equal earners but I am currently on maternity leave and thus mat pay.....my DH wouldn't dare suggest the current money is 'his' money and not ours!

Original poster
noseynelly · 16/08/2019 23:04

I stay with him because he says we're fine as a couple and because we agree that we don't want to harm the DC by splitting up.
We are not in love anymore but do love each other.
Up until recently we were fine, our marriage worked for us, now it seems it's not doing

OP posts:
Shooturlocalmethdealer · 16/08/2019 23:14

I would find that terribly disrespectful OP. His comment seems to undermine you. Insinuating maybe you dont make enough money? YANBU. I would call him out on that comment. You live together, you have a child together, seems everything is shared until he wants to purchase something expensive without notifying you beforehand? YANBU

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 16/08/2019 23:16

Love that cooker comment!!!!

HaileySherman · 16/08/2019 23:32

I think if you both decided together that he'd work right now and you'd stay home then it HAS to be family money. It's crazy to think otherwise in my opinion. You're a family unit, he can't pick and choose what that applies to when it's convenient.

InDubiousBattle · 16/08/2019 23:34

How recently op? What has changed since then? It sounds like you were okay before, discussed big purchases but didn't worry too much about the small stuff etc but things have changed? You also seem surprised by this attitude to money in particular.

N0N1ceIcecream · 17/08/2019 02:45

As you are not married it would be better if you worked FT & you shared child care costs
Look at CAB for legal differences between single & married & Gov website

Another case of not being treated like an equal person

If you jointly owned one property, then purchased a second one, you would probably have to pay extra stamp duty. If you buy a BTL, the mortgage rates are higher.

If you both owned property separately, you would both be first time buyers

Monty27 · 17/08/2019 03:55

Is he doing a first time buyer mortgage on the new property?

flamingpink · 17/08/2019 04:10

Do not get rid of your house and move into one just in his name. You are very vulnerable right now. Who pays the bills? How do you get any access to any money for things you need for the DC and holidays etc? You say the mortgage is very small. It sounds like he’s been benefitting massively from living in your house and paying a tiny amount in the place of having to pay rent/mortgage elsewhere. Does he have a bigger amount of savings now than when you met? Is he using you to save up money for the other house? He sounds quite calculating. He’s lived in your house to his benefit and now doesn’t want to put your name on the new house? He’s manipulating you. How long has he lived with you and paid a small mortgage? Work out what he would have had to pay to rent a room in a house or a one bed flat in your area and multiply it by the time he’s lived with you. How much does that work out at?

N0N1ceIcecream · 17/08/2019 05:23

The property you currently live in. Is the mortgage in both your names or just yours ?
Do you have access to view the monthly payments & interest charged ?
How many years left on the mortgage ?
Do you have a copy of the deeds & all the solicitor information related to the property ?

AMAM8916 · 17/08/2019 06:59

If he see's things that way, I would work out how much a months childcare costs in your area and bill him for half every month.

See these men, honestly.

Original poster
noseynelly · 17/08/2019 09:03

mortgage is my name only

OP posts:
Original poster
noseynelly · 17/08/2019 09:05

Is it not true then about the lower deposit if we remain unmarried?
we would be wanting to put this house up for rent and buy another together so he says if he did that under both our names then as I already own a property they would want a bigger deposit

OP posts:
Original poster
noseynelly · 17/08/2019 09:07

He doesn't have much money saved at all, I have more saved because I don't buy much for myself at all, I cook meals at home, he biys lunch out every single day despite there being food here that he could take but when we're out together as a family he whinges and moans if we spend so much as a pound. I'm the opposite that way, I'll save money but when we have a day out we have a good day out and I've got money set aside to use for that day as I want my DC to enjoy themselves

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2019 09:17

The law would treat both of you as individuals because you are not married to each other.

You have sleepwalked into this situation and he is still telling you untruths re the deposit now. Its never been your money either, its been all his. He is not a nice man at all and only has his own self interest at heart. He is paying a mortgage in your name.

He has your relationship all how he wants it and you have handed over all your power and control to him far too readily. I would also think these children have his surname rather than yours as well.

Re your earlier comment:-

"I stay with him because he says we're fine as a couple and because we agree that we don't want to harm the DC by splitting up.
We are not in love anymore but do love each other"

An absolutely awful reason steeped in selfishness to stay together. It would do the DC more harm for the two of you to stay together because you're both teaching them that a loveless relationship is their norm too.

Constance1234 · 17/08/2019 09:20

Maybe he means stamp duty? If you already own a property and buy another without selling the first one, you'll be liable for the higher rate of SD. However this is all irrelevant as it sounds like he has checked out of your relationship anyway. I'm glad the house is in your name, that puts you and your children in a much more secure position.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2019 09:21

Your bloke is a selfish sod noseynelly and I would start planning your own exit from this relationship. He is only acting in his own self interest here, certainly not yours or your children's.

Ronia · 17/08/2019 09:28

What money do you have access to? If you need to buy things for the children or do grocery shopping how do you pay?

Windmillwhirl · 17/08/2019 09:33

I think you are crazy to have given up work, especially since you are not married. You need to get a proper job and that will make you equals. Then all finances, childcare , housework etc can be split 50:50

I also agree with this.

NoMrsLevinson · 17/08/2019 09:38

What an arsewipe. Go back to work asap. Also be aware that although the home is in your sole name, if he pays the mortgage he may now be entitled to part of it.

ineedaholidaynow · 17/08/2019 11:31

If he has paid towards the mortgage then, if you split, he may be able to make a claim on the house in respect of the money he has paid.