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Original poster

His money or fanily money

111 replies

noseynelly · 14/08/2019 23:41

Been with dp 10 years, 2 DC. I gave up work after 2nd child but I now make a bit of money working from home, by bit I mean enough to use for days out etc.. I am looking for a job now too and it hopefully won't be long.
Question is this: Do you see you dps money as family money or his money if you don't work?
Dp recently made a purchase for the house and didn't consult me or tell me what he was getting, usually if we need anything we sit and discuss and decide together, some things I'm not bothered about or he isn't and we tell the other to choose whatever, we're both quite easy going with it but usually I do a lot of research before a big purchase.
I asked him how come he didn't discuss it with me this time his answer was it's my money coming out of my pocket I can decide what I want.
For what it's worth I barely spend on myself, I buy my clothes off eBay ffs or in the sale, we're not struggling but we def don't have a lot of spare cash.
I don't know why he said what he said but it me feel upset because I thought it was 'our' money but clearly it's not.
AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Bartlet · 15/08/2019 08:36

It doesn’t really matter what people say here. The fact that you’re not married means that it is his money and he is totally within his legal rights to share with you or not.

You’re very vulnerable at the mo. You need to become financially independent because depending on your other half seems a risky strategy.

InDubiousBattle · 15/08/2019 08:42

Family money. I'm a SAHM too, we discuss big purchases and we both have access to his salary. It's not as relevant to me right now as I start working again soon, but if at any point in the last 5.5 years since I stopped work dp had referred to family money as his alone I would have returned to work .

Oldraver · 15/08/2019 08:52

@Skittleommer

Why would I be as vulnerable as the OP ?

Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 09:02

@Oldraver Why would I be as vulnerable as the OP?

Because neither of you are married and so your partners money isn’t legally ‘family money’. If the relationship broke down you’d be entitled to nothing from them.

Rainbowknickers · 15/08/2019 09:05

My fella and I both work
He’s full time I’m part time so earn about half what he does
We don’t have a joint account but we split the bills to who earns what
We both buy things like clothes etc without a second thought
But when it comes to the big things I.e for the house the car a holiday it’s joint money-joint choice
I’d go nuclear if he bought something major without talking to me first and just went for it ‘as it’s my money’
You really need to have a rethink about being with him
Being a sahm is a job-is start charging him for everything you do I.e childcare etc

Mum4Fergus · 15/08/2019 09:18

Married now but even when just cohabiting it was one pot for everything coming in and going out. We'd discuss anything over £50-ish together before buying.

Original poster
noseynelly · 15/08/2019 09:43

He doesn't treat me like a partner as in, no affection unless he want a sex, he doesn't discuss his day with me, suggest days out or doing things together.
I do make a lot of decisions about holidays and days out because he never researches anything or has any desire to do anything or go anywhere so I'll always be the one to say right we need to get out of the house and do something. He's happy to go along with that so long as he doesn't have to do anything.

OP posts:
Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 09:47

He doesn't treat me like a partner as in, no affection unless he want a sex, he doesn't discuss his day with me, suggest days out or doing things together

Why should he you used him to acquire children!?

Oldraver · 15/08/2019 09:53

Because neither of you are married and so your partners money isn’t legally ‘family money’. If the relationship broke down you’d be entitled to nothing from them.

Yes I realise that

Oh I assume you think as a SAHM (well during the school holidays) that I rely on OH's money. ? Yes I have total access to his money and while we are together it IS family money and we spend it together.

If we were to part then we would just go our own ways and he would be looking for a new place to stay

SaraNade · 15/08/2019 10:04

This is yet another example of how foolish women are to have children with someone and not marry. Time and time and time again on here, we see cases like this, and try to tell everyone, but the 'oh it's outdated', 'oh it's just a piece of paper' rears it's head. Commitment to one and other and legal protections are never outdated and it most certainly is not just a piece of paper.

OP, as you are not married, the law considers you single financially. So, no, it is not your money. It is his money. Legally you are not a family. That is the pitfall of not insisting on he put a ring on it before you have children. 10 years. Well, he obviously doesn't want to commit to you, and he is never affectionate with you unless he wants sex. It's a pity there are children involved, because I would certainly advise to LTB as it's clear he doesn't love you or is interested in you.

SimonJT · 15/08/2019 10:07

I think money should be shared if a couple are living together and unless it is a really huge purchase I don’t think there needs to be a discussion about buying things.

InDubiousBattle · 15/08/2019 10:14

skittle, where have you got that from?

Is this a sudden change op? You say that you would usually discuss big purchases etc.

Original poster
noseynelly · 15/08/2019 10:19

SimonJT he didn't pop to the shops and get a bag of crisps,and now I'm mad..It was a big purchase.

skittlenommer Actually it was his idea to have children, I'd have happily waited another 3 or 4 years but he was desperate to have a child and I wanted a family at some point so I agreed.
I love my DC I don't regret them, they're the best things in my life.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 15/08/2019 10:32

If its 'his' money then he owes you £3 an hour per child for every hour for every child you have raised for him. Childcare isn't free you know. Don't forget housekeeping payments too.

You not working has facilitated his career at the expense of your own. That's why families pool money.

He sounds like a cunt.

SignedUpJust4This · 15/08/2019 10:34

Oh and if you are not married OP then you will have lost out on pension too.

I can't believe how many twattish men there are who want the 50s housewife set up yet can't step up to be a 50s breadwinner. And I can't believe how many women risk so much to raise children for these selfish bastards.

SignedUpJust4This · 15/08/2019 10:46

Do you have a mortgage in both names?

ineedaholidaynow · 15/08/2019 10:54

Who owns the house?

Is there a reason you aren’t married?

Techway · 15/08/2019 11:01

What is the housing situation? I think you need to start mitigating the risk of you being left with nothing.

I was, prior to marriage financially stronger, than Ex H, we married and his career took off (after we moved from my support network, job to be closer to his work).His behaviour towards me changed and whilst I had access to joint money he very much decided he was in control.
We separated and his attitude was horrendous, despite easily being able to afford a decent settlement he wanted to win and everything accrued in the marriage was his. Thankfully due to marriage I had legal recourse.

Until we go through a separation you cannot believe how a previous partner acts towards you. All the "agreements" re childcare are thrown out and you will be left to provide for the children yourself. CMS is just 20% of his income so it's a fantastic deal for a man who wants to leave, especially if he has ownership of the house as you will not be due any capital.

Why haven't you married?

Original poster
noseynelly · 15/08/2019 11:36

We wanted to get another house eventually and rent this one out, my dp said if we were married we'd have to put up more ofna deposit whereas if he bought another house just in his name then we would only need a 15% deposit.
This house is in my name only and I paid the full deposit of 20 grand when we bought it and obv now he pays the mortgage. It's quite a small mortgage

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 15/08/2019 11:52

That's not true. You wouldn't need more deposit. Keep your house. If you do have to move make sure you are both on the mortgage deeds. I suggest you either get a joint account which you have full access to and start put something in savings for your pension. You need to go back to work. This set up is potentially disastrous for you. You need to tell him his money is yours as you have raised his children for him. What does he bring to your life apart from short term money?

Techway · 15/08/2019 13:29

Phew,so you are the sole legal owner and actually him spending money on the house means you are benefitting.

His point about marriage is not true! No mortgage company could discriminate against a married couple. The fact that he said this is concerning as seems very odd to make this up.

Is the mortgage now in his name only as it implies you own the house but he has the mortgage.

Upshot his attitude isn't showing that he values your input and is treating you as equal. That is a big warning flag to you.

Blushingm · 15/08/2019 17:53

Ex she was given q a bit of mo st by his dad - enough to clear out £000's of debt. But since it was 'his' money he bought himself lots of toys with it instead

Walnutwhipster · 15/08/2019 18:18

I think this is one case where marriage does make a difference. It's legally his money and you'd be pretty screwed if you split up. I don't understand why anyone would give up work without the protection of marriage. You leave yourself in such a precarious position.

Flerkin · 15/08/2019 18:40

Oh I assume you think as a SAHM (well during the school holidays) that I rely on OH's money. ? Yes I have total access to his money and while we are together it IS family money and we spend it together.

Do you work or not?

If you dont you are vulnerable.

OP be wary of him paying your mortgage. He could register interest in your house.

Dp lives with me in my house. We had a legal agreement drawn up and I, only, pay the mortgage. He pays half of households Bills.

I get earn alot more so it's all good. We want be having kids, so no need to share my home. He can have his name on it when he matches what I have put into the house.

Chocmallows · 15/08/2019 19:56

If I read this correctly the house is in your name only, meaning that asset is completely yours if you split up as you are not married. You couldn't afford the costs to keep it, but it could help you set-up a new life.

In your position I would look to see if any local solicitors are offering free initial advice relating to financial separation to check this point. May be better to separate now before he financially controls you further?