His money or fanily money

[noseynelly]

Been with dp 10 years, 2 DC. I gave up work after 2nd child but I now make a bit of money working from home, by bit I mean enough to use for days out etc.. I am looking for a job now too and it hopefully won't be long.
Question is this: Do you see you dps money as family money or his money if you don't work?
Dp recently made a purchase for the house and didn't consult me or tell me what he was getting, usually if we need anything we sit and discuss and decide together, some things I'm not bothered about or he isn't and we tell the other to choose whatever, we're both quite easy going with it but usually I do a lot of research before a big purchase.
I asked him how come he didn't discuss it with me this time his answer was it's my money coming out of my pocket I can decide what I want.
For what it's worth I barely spend on myself, I buy my clothes off eBay ffs or in the sale, we're not struggling but we def don't have a lot of spare cash.
I don't know why he said what he said but it me feel upset because I thought it was 'our' money but clearly it's not.
AIBU to feel this way?

So it's OK for you to keep most of what you earn as your saving but he has to pay all the bills AND your mortgage? And you think that I you split, you should get to keep the house and he gets nothing.

Sorry but I think it is you using him financially. How long has he been paying the mortgage fully? He certainly would have a very good case to claim an interest in it if you separated, he has all the evidence to prove it so.

No surprise he would be pissed off for you making a comment about what he spent his money on when he is paying your mortgage!

I pay for anything I buy for myself and half the time the dc, I pay for a lot of groceries, I don't USE him as it was a joint decision for me to give up work, he was adamant I give up and I agreed anyway so it was fine.
The money I have saved is from jewellery and watches that I've sold, he's fully aware of the money and this is the money we will be using for buying another house it's less than 5k anyway so we are a bit off having enough for a deposit

And where did I say I think I should get to keep the house he gets nothing???
At no point havr I said this, he does 0 cooking, 0 planning things or buying things for the DC, he wouldn't know what they need, I do it all.
I create a perfect family life despite the fact that I evidently mean shit to him

Is it not true then about the lower deposit if we remain unmarried?
NO - it's categorically NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know that for a fact despite never having owned a home, planned to own a home or having taken any legal advice.

Honestly op, i hate to be harsh- but you are soooo naive and foolish.
Why do you just automatically take his word as law?
This is YOUR money and yours and YOUR DC'S security - why aren't you getting the facts independently verified by a qualified 3rd party?

Do you have any friends of your own that you have a good relationship with?
Cos that's how i learnt things which in hindsight are basic common sense.

I'm autistic and i've learnt the hard way that you can't trust anyone - especially not a man - to put your best interests above their own.
You can trust people based upon their actions but you HAVE to keep your own back covered yourself.
I've been financially abused and controlled by romantic partners and my own parents and family, unknowingly, because at the time i innocently trusted them 100%.
Afterall, these are the people we're supposed to trust implicitly isn't it?
Or so we're conditioned to believe.

When i realised and woke up to the extent of the insidious abuse, i fgelt so ashamed of myself.
How could i have ever been so stupid?!
As an Aspie i beat myself up often enough for not seeing things which are blatantly obvious to other people, so this knowledge really affected my mental health at the time.

What i learnt though is that it wasn't my fault they behaved like that with me, abusers abuse - it's who they are.
my only fault was never having any boundaries and just merging my whole life/self/identity with them without asking myself "what am i getting out of this relationship/set-up/deal?"
Cos you know what - it's absolutely normal to make your own needs a priority, and reject what doesn't make you feel like an equal and respected member of the partnership.

this is the money we will be using for buying another house it's less than 5k anyway so we are a bit off having enough for a deposit

So after everything we're all saying, you still haven't looked at this from a different perspective!?
There's no getting through to you is there?

The deposit thing is actually a bit unclear.

You dont work? Or earn much? So you would be seen as a dependent on the mortgage. And as you already have your own house, they will want to know how you will pay the mortgage on that one and the 2nd home, if the first property doesnt have tenants in.

A way to mitigate those risks is to put in a much larger deposit.

Doesnt depend on you being married or not.

But let's be fair OP, you are going to carry on as is. So not sure what people can do to help.

"I don't USE him as it was a joint decision for me to give up work, he was adamant I give up and I agreed anyway so it was fine".

That gave him yet another "in" to control you with. This is how such controlling men work, you giving up paid work gave him more power and control to use against you in this relationship. Burying your head does you no favours at all because he is and will continue to pull the wool over your eyes.

And if he does not treat you with respect, there is no way on earth you can create the perfect family life. Your children see all your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to each other and will pick up on all this.

I never said I was going to carry on I'm explaining why I have money saved!
I wouldn't have started this thread if I wanted things to stay as they are.
It seems as though unless I say I'm leaving him right this second then that means I'm ignoring everyone?
I have a lot to think about and I'm learning a lot through this thread but I can't up and leave right now!

No-one is expecting you to up and leave immediately.

You have indeed a lot to think about here, not least of all what you also want to teach your children about relationships. What do you think they are learning from the two of you currently?. You have all too readily handed over your power and control to him in this relationship and he has taken full advantage of this from you.

Beware this could be financial disaster for you & your childrens future !

You do not work/earn much

The only way you will be able to buy a second property is I believe;

1. Put down a large cash deposit
2. Release equity out of your existing property

You must consult a financial advisor before doing anything
Some estate agents have a free financial advisor that you can speak to, I've done this or you can find a local one

If nobody is living in the second property you will still need to pay council tax, utility bills, insurance, mortgage. How will you do this if you are not working & don't have a tenant there ???

To buy second property you would also need money for solicitor fees, mortgage fees, survey, etc on top of your deposit

How do you expect to afford this ???

Our area is highly sought after so I believe we will be able to get a tenant more or less straight away, like I said the mortgage payment is tiny anyway it's about 1 quarter of what it would cost to rent it.
I've just been taking his word for everything, I have said we need to seperate in the past but he disagrees and makes me seem like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

coffeeclub this is why we save up and why we discuss purchases with each other, I mean big purchases, I've never noticed what he buys himself in terms of clothing etc as that's his money and I use mine for my own clothes but most of mine are off eBay etc..so the money I earn goes a longer way. I like the clothes he buys for himself and it's not like he's buying designer so it's not my business.
He literally just bought a burger a couple of hours ago for me and ranted for an hour about how it's gone up by 30p..meanwhile he eats out all the time, even breakfast he gets porridge from McDonald's instead of him or me making it for him..
we don't celebrate valentines or mother's day etc..or even my bday as I'd gotten sick of him buying me something then talking about how much it cost for a long time after, so I pretend that I'd rather not celebrate as I don't believe in it. He always says he loves how I don't care about those things

If you rent out a property you need to declare the income to HMRC & possibly pay tax each year. You need to keep records of all income & expenses incase HMRC audit your accounts
You are also liable for all repairs & maintenance.
There is a big responsibility being a landlord
Like yearly gas & electric safety checks, tenancy agreements, landlord insurance etc

You are not married, he could disappear tomorrow, how would you pay for everything ?

Our area is highly sought after so I believe we will be able to get a tenant more or less straight away, like I said the mortgage payment is tiny anyway it's about 1 quarter of what it would cost to rent it.

Doesnt matter. You still need to be able to cover both mortgages on the wages you have, to get a second mortgage.
You may even have to change your existing mortgage.

And as you dont earn, you will be seen as dependent.

A big deposit WILL be required. But not because you arent married.

And OP I stopped celebrating anything because exh moaned and about anything I did. Even if he didnt have to do anything and bought gifts that's just werent anything I like. One year I got a fruit basket that was mainly plums. I dont like plums. We had been together over 12 years at that point.

One year I got a garden ornament if a tortoise. I dont like sitting in the garden or tortoises. He would then complain if he didnt get sex for the 'well thought out' gift he got me. Another year he complained because my mum and dad came over for tea and said it was a 'big hoopla'.

It drained me and I became really resentful. It's not good to pretend. Still eats away at you.

flerkin I think that's exactly what it is, I'm completely drained and I can't be bothered arguing or standing up for myself anymore, I've given in.
I can't beleive anyone would think I use him though, he hates the idea of me working, if I even buy something from my own money like an ornament he just takes the piss out of it or says stuff like it would've looked nicer in a different colour or if it was bigger/smaller etc so I've stopped doing that too.
I don't know why I've not seen it all so far it's like I was blind...im not me anymore, I don't find joy in the stuff I used to because he's so negative.
Even taking care of myself, I stopped because he said he didn't like makeup or the way I dyed my hair or my clothes were too tight or too bright and so on.
How the fuck do I get myself out of this mess?

How did you get a mortgage in your name only, if you are not earning enough to pay all bills & mortgage ?

The best thing that you could do ?

Get a job or volunteer outside the house
Or
Do a training course to obtain qualifications so that you can get a good job

What did I do on my birthday this year ?
It was I big one. I said I wanted to do X & it was planned & it was successful
I didn't sit around saying, oh I wish I had done this or that
Proactive planning !

You need to get married- you are extremely financially vulnerable, and he’s been building up his pension while you’ve been raising his children and being an unpaid housekeeper

coffeeclub
1.I was working at the time I got my mortgage I only stopped once I had my second DC.

1. I have a degree already but the job I was in before wouldn't suit me now unless my DC were in after school care which I'm reluctant to do but may have to.

3 I don't sit around waiting for dp to plan things I have in the past planned myself but the constant nagging about money put me off and even when id planned something it rarely happend as he'd make me change the plans so I gave up years ago. It's not about being proactive is it when you have a dp who's not bothered about what you want and won't get involved or will just bitch and moan until he gets his way

hermione I don't know I want to get married to him anymore in all honesty.
He won't agree to get married and won't agree to split up either. I need a job before I can leave him now and that will take time.

Why have you given up ?
Buy what you want, do what you want !
You have one life, make the most of it !
Start making some positive changes for your self
If he doesn't like it, tell him it's tough !
Celebrate your life !

The buying another property is a dream
Not many people own a second property

Please confirm that the child benefit is in your name, because it pays your National Insurance credits when you are not working, towards state pension & other benefits

yes the child benefit Is in my name.

I gave up because I was so drained from hearing all the negative stuff about it.
I notice that when I see something I like I immediately list all the things that dp would find wrong with it and what he would say and I end up not buying it.

I need to start being me again. I hadn't realised what a complete idiot I've been and I feel really embarrassed now.

No need to be embarrassed
You have had the light bulb moment

Just make some changes & plan for a better future for yourself

You could work & share the cost of the childcare.
Or work part time
If he works days, you work eves or weekends
Why should you sacrifice everything for joint children ?

Be strong, be positive

If he has never owned a property before he may be wanting to take advantage of some first time buyer scheme (like help to buy) or save on stamp duty.

Definitely go back to work asap. I'm wondering, at the moment, if you don't have a joint account, what you do when you need money? Do you have to ask him for it??