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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? Advice desperately needed

145 replies

bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 16:06

I desperately need advice off some strangers instead of people who know me and tell me what I feel is just what I want to hear.
My partner of 2 and a half years has recently bought a house, he put down around a 80k deposit. I live in a rented property with my 5 year old and have lived here for 6 years.
I am not on my boyfriends mortgage due to having no deposit however I have had a steady income for the last 5 years.
He has raised my son like he would his own and even more so since his dad walked out, he always tells me we're going to spend the rest of our lives together and we're in a very good and happy relationship. However I have a huge issue with not being on the mortgage to 'our' house. I feel that a deed of trust to say that I wouldn't be entitled to any of the money he put down will have been sufficient enough for him to be ok with putting me on the mortgage. He hasn't had me attend any meetings or appointments involving the house he has taken his mother along instead, I don't feel I have been involved in any part of it and I have had constant doubts about whether I'm doing the right thing in moving from my home with my son, to go somewhere with no security for myself, he could literally ask me to leave and I would have to.
Today he went back to the solicitor and told me that even though I'm not on the mortgage I still have to sign some form of document to say I have no rights to any part of the house or the money he has put down. Completely understandable that he wants to protect his assets but where is mine and my sons protection?
Am I right to be angry about not being on the mortgage and am I doing the right thing by leaving behind everything I know to move in with him despite it being nothing to do with me?
I hope you can help as I'm at a complete loose end!!!

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/08/2019 23:20

You’d have to be an absolute fool to move in with him under these circumstances.

You know he doesn’t want to get married or have children or ever have his house be yours too...what more do you need to know?!

Move in with him, sure, but it will be self destructive and masochistic and will end in tears. Yours. And your kids.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/08/2019 09:47

Please wake up @B3ttty or @bethsmith024

Yes, you've been had.

You want marriage; he doesn't.
You want more kids; he doesn't.
You want to be on the mortgage; he doesn't want you to be.

Please protect yourself and your son. Sorry to burst your bubble but you are totally and utterly wasting your time with this man.

He wants you to move in to do up his new place to your 'high standards'. I would imagine he will lose interest in you shortly after that.

You don't have shared goals. You don't have the same long-term plans. Stop fooling yourself. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but you seem to be interpreting a bunch of wise women who can see through him as 'being insulting'.

We are just frustrated that you don't see it.

Letschat1 · 15/08/2019 09:50

Sorry to say that his protection structure sucks. He is creating a recipe for disaster. Children need security up until they are 18. You and the child are an asset to him anyway. That should be enough for him.

LemonPrism · 15/08/2019 09:51

If you're not married, haven't put any money in and aren't paying the mortgage then there is 0 reason you should be on the mortgage. That's a little leechy.

LemonPrism · 15/08/2019 09:52

I live in DPs house rent free BtW, I'm happy to not be on his mortgage because I literally get to live RENT FREE

Fonduefrolics · 15/08/2019 10:02

I’ve not read the full thread (sorry) but I read that he’s been living for free at your house @bethsmith024. So his substantial deposit has been enabled partly from you. Wow, I’d have a lot more cash if I was living somewhere rent and bill free. You’ve mentioned personal debts? Sounds like you’ve been subsidising his savings at the detriment to your own financial future. Easy to do when you’re in love with someone but he’s not really paying the favour back with this mortgage business.

What would I do? I wouldn’t leave my tenancy to live somewhere with no protection.

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2019 11:00

LemonPrism

Hope you're saving up the money in case anything goes wrong and you have to move out.

loobyloo1234 · 15/08/2019 11:16

Stay in your house OP

Re-assess in a year when he has had a whole year of paying his own bills instead of cock-lodging off of you

CIareIsland · 15/08/2019 11:23

As PP has said - you would not have had any debt if you hadn’t paid all of his rent and bills for years.

He is not in a partnership with you. Also his mother going to all of the mortgage meetings is complicit in ripping off you and your child. They put on a false face “treating him like grandson” - but behind the scenes don’t see what their DS has done is wrong and are in fact legally driving a situation to make your DS vulnerable to homelessness.

How old are you, your DP and DS?

RantyAnty · 15/08/2019 11:50

I understand you love him a lot but unfortunately going by his actions, he doesn't love you.

Would you have been able to pay off your catalogue debt if he had been paying his fair share the entire time?

I wouldn't move in with him either and seriously consider ending it with him when chances are you'll end up more used and heartbroken.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2019 11:59

Do not - and I mean DO NOT give up your current house.
It's prefect for you and your DS.
You will get no benefit at all moving in with him.
You will lose your independence.
There are MANY wise women on here.
Re-read every response and take the advice on board.

YOU have enabled him to save enough to get this house but you get nothing in return.
Do not give up your independence.
Do not move in with him.
If you want to keep seeing him then go ahead.
But be prepared to never be married to never have any more DC.
You want different things.
If you want more DC you need to end this relationship and move on.

conflicted2029 · 15/08/2019 12:19

I am sorry op but you mentioned he had a child that he left behind but is a perfect dad to yours 🙄.

hsegfiugseskufh · 15/08/2019 12:25

he's just not that into you, op.

Do not move in with him!!

ZenNudist · 15/08/2019 12:56

Definitely dump him. He is not "such a good dad". He has a child. How much does he support him?
Im with everyone else. Would be really shitty parenting to give up your security for this guy. Also surely being near your parents is good for your son and good for you if you need any babysitting?

You sound like you want to stay with this guy. Dont. Do not. No way. Yuk
What a using prick. If you are set on capturing this prince of a man at least refusing to move in with him will force his hand. He either wants a commited relationship (very much doubt it) or he can do one.

B3ttty · 15/08/2019 15:00

Nooo he hasn't got another child!!! As if I would let someone be a father to my child if he couldn't be a father to his own!!! I don't know where the misunderstanding is but my sons real dad packed up and left and my partner has picked up the pieces.

Pinkmonkeybird · 15/08/2019 15:02

I'd be asking for all the money back he 'saved' whilst sponging off you. What a complete and utter arsehole. It's easy for others to say you were very naive, but I think he has stitched you up for a right kipper, so to speak. He has betrayed your generosity by being able to save £14k! Read that back OP...please DO NOT for your child's sake, carry on in a relationship with this sponger. He knows exactly what he is doing and clearly has no loyalty towards you.

Pinkmonkeybird · 15/08/2019 15:07

They put on a false face “treating him like grandson” - but behind the scenes don’t see what their DS has done is wrong and are in fact legally driving a situation to make your DS vulnerable to homelessness.

Totally agree with this...I was left in vulnerable position by my ex as his parents owned the house we lived in. I left with my belongings and my DD..that's it. They had also treated my DD 'like a grandaughter' for 9 years, but when it came to the crunch and I left, they didn't give her a backward glance. Their loyalty was to their son, as is what is happening in your case. If you split, they won't give you and your DC a backward glance either.

GrimDamnFanjo · 15/08/2019 15:21

This does not look good. I do not think he sees a future with you at all.
If he did he would have included you in the house hunting even with a protection for his deposit.
You'll do for now...

Windmillwhirl · 15/08/2019 15:30

Well, I think he would be a fool to put you on the deeds when you contributed nothing.

hsegfiugseskufh · 15/08/2019 16:40

windmill op enabled him to save the deposit in the first place, because he lived with her RENT FREE.

Without OP there would be no deposit, and tbh in a committed relationship I don't think people should be buying houses alone etc unless they are both happy with that which OP clearly is not.

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