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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? Advice desperately needed

145 replies

bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 16:06

I desperately need advice off some strangers instead of people who know me and tell me what I feel is just what I want to hear.
My partner of 2 and a half years has recently bought a house, he put down around a 80k deposit. I live in a rented property with my 5 year old and have lived here for 6 years.
I am not on my boyfriends mortgage due to having no deposit however I have had a steady income for the last 5 years.
He has raised my son like he would his own and even more so since his dad walked out, he always tells me we're going to spend the rest of our lives together and we're in a very good and happy relationship. However I have a huge issue with not being on the mortgage to 'our' house. I feel that a deed of trust to say that I wouldn't be entitled to any of the money he put down will have been sufficient enough for him to be ok with putting me on the mortgage. He hasn't had me attend any meetings or appointments involving the house he has taken his mother along instead, I don't feel I have been involved in any part of it and I have had constant doubts about whether I'm doing the right thing in moving from my home with my son, to go somewhere with no security for myself, he could literally ask me to leave and I would have to.
Today he went back to the solicitor and told me that even though I'm not on the mortgage I still have to sign some form of document to say I have no rights to any part of the house or the money he has put down. Completely understandable that he wants to protect his assets but where is mine and my sons protection?
Am I right to be angry about not being on the mortgage and am I doing the right thing by leaving behind everything I know to move in with him despite it being nothing to do with me?
I hope you can help as I'm at a complete loose end!!!

OP posts:
Skittlenommer · 14/08/2019 17:19

You’ve been together 2 and a half years!!!

He’d have to be out of his God damn mind to involve you in this in any way. It’s not your house, you put down no deposit. He’s protecting his investment.

The fact that you let him live in your house rent and bill free in order to save the deposit with no assurances is on you. You weren’t obligated to do that. You need to work on recognising when someone is taking advantage. Which I believe he has. He quite clearly has no intention of committing to you.

In this current situation you'd be mad to move in with him as you’d be putting you and your child in a very vulnerable situation. You need to slow down I think. Marriage, mortgage and baby talk after only 2 and a half years together is absurd!

HotDogGuy · 14/08/2019 17:24

With regards the house situation I think it’s ok. You’ll be living in his house with no right to the equity but equally you’ll not be contributing. I think it’s wrong to say that you’ll have no security or be in a worse position than now. If you save the rent money once your debts have been paid off you’ll be in a good position. That’s in your control.
However from your subsequent posts it sounds as though you may not be compatible overall and you probably want to reflect on that before you mak the decision whether to move in or even whether to continue the relationship

Millie2017 · 14/08/2019 17:25

I’d been with my (now) DH a year when he brought a house. I wasn’t serious enough to commit to a mortgage with him, so he brought alone. I didn’t view the properties or go to any mortgage appointments. It was his house.
We agreed I’d pay bills and food and nothing else. The house was his and I’d no claim to it. The arrangement suited me. I didn’t sign anything to this effect.
After 6 yrs together we had a child and got married. I still live in said house and I’m still not on the mortgage or deeds. I also still don’t pay anything towards the mortgage, for various reasons and circumstances. I still feel like it’s his house, although I appreciate the legal position is different.
I think if you believe you have a future with him and as long as you are being sensible with your money and savings, then I would go for it.

slipperywhensparticus · 14/08/2019 17:25

Yes, on the whole I think not je has been able to save because you have supported him he now expects you to continue to pay out for his easy life

He wouldn't have been able to save as much if he hadn't been sponging off you

KevinKlineSwoon · 14/08/2019 17:27

If you didn't move in, could he still afford to live there by himself?

Original poster
bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 17:27

@Skittlenommer
Not that I need to justify any of this but people do these things after months sometimes weeks. What happened to love at first sight?
Anyway that is not my situation
We were together for nearly 2 years 2011-2012, We then broke up due to being young and stupid, I had a child with my partner who I was with for 4 years, he had an affair and moved to the other end of the country leaving his 2 and a half (at the time) year old son behind, he came back and told me how he never fell out of love with me and it was the worst time of his life. And here we are now.
So really some people may say we've been together for 4 years Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 17:28

@KevinKlineSwoon yes he would however it's a 3 bed semi detached with a huge front and back garden and a garage so he wouldn't have bought this house if he planned on living alone

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 14/08/2019 17:36

Marriage, mortgage and baby talk after only 2 and a half years together is absurd!

What nonsense. This is exactly the time that committed couples will and should be talking about these things to see if they're on the same page.

MrMagooooo · 14/08/2019 17:36

Don't give up your flat. Don't move in with him unless you have some protection I.e you can save all the rental money you would have paid on your own flat. There is one thing having protection about the money you give him towards the mortgage but if it goes pear shaped do you think it's going to be easy to get it back.

I completely understand what he's doing but if you are contributing to the mortgage then you should have a stake in the house.

HeyThereSummerRain · 14/08/2019 17:37

You need to actually talk about the future, being afraid of the talk means you are scared to face the reality that you might want different things.

Within the first week of me meeting my now Dh, I told him that I was a woman who wanted marriage in the future and children. No timescale (I was 22 and 1 year out of university) but just so he knew that that was important to me. He told me he felt exactly the same way, marriage and children.

You need to ask him, without the joking around if this is what he wants.

Re moving in, he could have ring-fenced that money and then you could have also been on the mortgage. This lack of consideration for you whilst living in your place rent free screams cheeky fucker. I would be telling him how hurt I am, that he expects me to risk my security and that of my child by moving in.

slipperywhensparticus · 14/08/2019 17:37

Yes but he is expecting you to help pay for it and not be entitled to anything if you split normally his deposit would be ringfenced and you would split everything after that

Original poster
bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 17:39

@CarolDanvers thank you I completely agree theres clearly underlying issues with that person for them to be that negative towards relationships

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 14/08/2019 17:39

Don’t move in with him.

Don’t get pregnant.

Seriously consider if there’s any future with him, you want totally different things in life.

TixieLix · 14/08/2019 17:40

So you want marriage, he doesn't
You want more kids, he doesn't
He's lived in your place rent free for goodness knows how long
He doesn't want his new house to be yours in any way

Why are you with this guy OP? You are on different pages with your life plans. If I was you I'd stay where I was and look for someone who wanted the same things in life as I did, and who was prepared to build a proper life together, sharing things.

EKGEMS · 14/08/2019 17:40

Tell him his mother can move in with him instead of you

whensa · 14/08/2019 17:45

You seem like you both want completely different things! You're gonna need to have a serious chat and for God's sake don't have a child with him until you are both clear what you actually want, practically.

Skittlenommer · 14/08/2019 17:50

@CarolDanvers What nonsense. This is exactly the time that committed couples will and should be talking about these things to see if they're on the same page

Yes agreed! Talking about! Not actually pushing to do!

@bethsmith024 theres clearly underlying issues with that person for them to be that negative towards relationships

No underlying issues! It just baffles me that people are as naive as you especially when they have a child to protect. We see posts on here all the of woman who have been asked to leave their partners house. They’re not married they have no security and are entitled to nothing. They face having to start from scratch.

CarolDanvers · 14/08/2019 17:58

@Skittlenommer

You didn't say pushing you said talking about. You've changed it for your subsequent post. And it's not pushing to wonder what your future holds with a man who is trying to get you to sign something to say you'll have no claim on his house that he buying with no reference to you his supposed partner in life who he expects to move in with him. OP is here questioning what she should do and saying she doesn't feel it's right to move in with him under these circumstances. You appear to be having a separate rant of your own that has little to do with what the OP is actually asking. This does not surprise me as the last few times I have seen you you've been telling people they shouldn't have had children in the first place as it sounds so hard, to people who post for advice about their children so...

Musti · 14/08/2019 18:01

What you could do is save up what you would be paying in rent whilst living with him rent free. Then use that as a deposit for a house in the future if it doesn't work out with him?

Umbrellainthegarden · 14/08/2019 18:06

It’s OK for him to buy a house and want to protect his investment (even if he has partly achieved this by you allowing him to live rent free). However, you have got to protect DS and yourself. It doesn’t sound like DP has taken you into consideration at all.
If you move in and the relationship breaks down in 3/6/whenever months, where will that leave you? Will you easily be able to quickly find a new home for you and your child? Consider worse case scenarios.
If I was you, I would not be moving in with him just yet (or ever). You sound like an after thought to him.

AnathemaPulsifer · 14/08/2019 18:08

He lives in my house completely rent and bill free whilst he has been saving his arse off

So you can now live with him rent and bill free whilst saving in case he ever ends it?

Hidingtonothing · 14/08/2019 18:08

You seem to have very different priorities and aims for the future OP, I'm not sure how you have any kind of committed relationship when your goals are so different. He also just doesn't sound very nice tbh.

EileenAlanna · 14/08/2019 18:10

Now that he has his house he needs to move out of yours by the end of the week, whether it needs fixing up or not, or is he planning to stay living with you rent free to save up all the money to pay for work, decorating, furnishing etc?

While he's been saving up all this money has he been paying CM for the child he fathered then up sticks & left?
He sounds totally oblivious to anything but his own wants.

EileenAlanna · 14/08/2019 18:13

I agree that he probably has no intention of living in a 3 bedroom house alone. He may well be planning to take lodgers to get that mortgage paid off even sooner.

Todayisontheup · 14/08/2019 18:16

Hi @bethsmith024,

I agree with some of the other posters.

Can you sublet your other place (if check with the landlord) and move in with him and not pay rent? That way, you would still have your current home and be able to save? My old landlord allowed me to do this but not all will.

Secondly, as an ex-financial adviser, I completely understand what your boyfriend has done to protect his assets. I had seen this go wrong for a few clients, who were already living with their partner before they met me, so I was unable to undo.

However, I don't like how he has gone about things. He has not considered you or your son in any of his decisions. I agree with others that he is using you. It does not feel great; I am afraid. When you talk about marriage, and he laughs, he is saying not with you.

I think you should take time out to reflect on things and you may then see things clearer.

I wish you all the best.