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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? Advice desperately needed

145 replies

bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 16:06

I desperately need advice off some strangers instead of people who know me and tell me what I feel is just what I want to hear.
My partner of 2 and a half years has recently bought a house, he put down around a 80k deposit. I live in a rented property with my 5 year old and have lived here for 6 years.
I am not on my boyfriends mortgage due to having no deposit however I have had a steady income for the last 5 years.
He has raised my son like he would his own and even more so since his dad walked out, he always tells me we're going to spend the rest of our lives together and we're in a very good and happy relationship. However I have a huge issue with not being on the mortgage to 'our' house. I feel that a deed of trust to say that I wouldn't be entitled to any of the money he put down will have been sufficient enough for him to be ok with putting me on the mortgage. He hasn't had me attend any meetings or appointments involving the house he has taken his mother along instead, I don't feel I have been involved in any part of it and I have had constant doubts about whether I'm doing the right thing in moving from my home with my son, to go somewhere with no security for myself, he could literally ask me to leave and I would have to.
Today he went back to the solicitor and told me that even though I'm not on the mortgage I still have to sign some form of document to say I have no rights to any part of the house or the money he has put down. Completely understandable that he wants to protect his assets but where is mine and my sons protection?
Am I right to be angry about not being on the mortgage and am I doing the right thing by leaving behind everything I know to move in with him despite it being nothing to do with me?
I hope you can help as I'm at a complete loose end!!!

OP posts:
Sisterlove · 14/08/2019 19:38

So why exactly are you wasting time with a man who doesn't want marriage or a child like you do?

Can't you see he doesn't want to be tied to you? He wants a situation wherehe can walk away easily. A child makes that impossible for a half decent man.

Marriage meansyou become entitled to his money. .. What's in it for him? He has you already. Marriage won't change the benefits he currently receives.

Bookworm4 · 14/08/2019 19:40

OP doesn’t want to listen, he lived rent free, but now expects ££ off her in his house.
It’s called being a MUG; walk away

Spanglyprincess1 · 14/08/2019 19:44

Op in some ways your getting a good deal. You have to pay nothing to the house so you can save rather than waste money on rental payments.
You could then buy your own place after saving and rent it. Leaving you somewhere to go.
I bought my house outright and dp moved in. He had to sign legal documents that he had no claim to it at all. But my situation is crystal clear as there is no morggae payments in issue.
He's entitled to protect his assets as you are not married, honestly I'd advise anyone to do protect their assets this way. The legal doc u signed is standard for any adults living in a home including adult children.

LetThePotatoRest · 14/08/2019 19:52

Surely, the 14k that he saved while you were keeping him should be considered your contribution to the deposit and you have a proportionate stake in the house? He sounds like a user. He’s not a good step dad if he’s happy for you and DS to be in such a vulnerable position.

Graphista · 14/08/2019 20:01

Quite frankly you HAVE - albeit indirectly - contributed to HIS deposit by paying his share of rent and bills!

I think you may have posted about this cocklodger before?

DO NOT let him keep shirking his financial responsibilities in YOUR home - quite honestly I'd be presenting him with a Fucking bill for his share of the rent & bills since he's moved in with you!

And DO NOT give up you and your child's home for this selfish tosser!

Either he does a total about face and stops taking advantage of you or he fucks off!

Sorry, but he has used you to save up for his deposit and you've let him. He's now offering you nothing in return. very accurate summary of what's happened! He's taken you for a mug!

You also don't want the same re marriage & children? DUMP HIM.

Why are you putting up with this?

"OP I wouldn’t put it past him to use your place as a helpful base while he renovates and then cut his ties after that." Can absolutely see that happening he's a total shyster!

"but people do these things after months sometimes weeks. What happened to love at first sight?" NOT if they're sensible and DEFINITELY NOT when there's a child in the mess!

"it takes an amazing person to step up to the plate of raising another mans son." Does he do loads of sole childcare? Only way you could possibly justify that you've essentially paid him to do this.

"however he loves him and fathers him like any real good father would" no he didn't! "Real good fathers" pay to support their children, they DON'T take money away from the mother of that child and so deprive the child!

"Of course I'm aware that he is technically 'sponging'" no not "technically" he IS a total sponger - how much is even 1/3 of your rent & essential bills?

For your child's sake you need to stop being so naive and gullible!

TheCatsACunt · 14/08/2019 20:22

Marriage and to share someone's last name and to plan an amazing wedding etc is a massive dream of mine so when I talk about it he laughs it off as though it won't happen. I am also desperate for another baby

Sorry OP, but he probably saw your desperation from 1,000 miles away.

You’re so desperate for another baby that you allowed money that should have gone to your existing child to fund this guy’s deposit.

He’s very, very smart, and you’ve been used.

letsjog · 14/08/2019 20:38

So to summarise.

You let him live with you rent and bill free so he can save up a deposit for a house.
He has now saved up enough to do that but has made sure you are not on the mortgage, has reiterated that it is his and his alone and wants to uproot you and your DC to live in his house you will "never have a say in".

You want to get married and he scoff and laughs at the idea and says it's never going to happen.

You want a baby and he does not.

What are you unsure about in this scenario?

Charley50 · 14/08/2019 20:41

Actually have you mentioned to him that he was only able to save that much by living off you? That he should either give you some of that money back, or add you to the deeds as you have contributed to the deposit?

AnyFucker · 14/08/2019 20:53

You just can't help some people

B3ttty · 14/08/2019 21:06

Thank you everyone I appreciate all your words.
Yes I am 'for real' I've clearly been completely blinded by love. Hurtful comments are completely uncalled for.
Christ give a woman a break

Jozen · 14/08/2019 21:11

Have you changed your name?

Tinkerbell89 · 14/08/2019 21:14

Sounds like he isn't commited to you if he is buying a house, asking you to move in bit no trust. I understand he wants to protect himself incase something happens but your kids security needs to come first. If he was committed he wouldn't be worried about a break up & losing money. Keep your own place see how things continue and go from there. May be get some legal advice on it & where you'd stand if you did it or didn't contribute to the mortgage & bills to see if that helps your decision. I just think he's only thinking of himself not you and once you give everything up (your rental) he could change the locks and have you out tomorrow & your be stuck

B3ttty · 14/08/2019 21:17

@Jozen yes I felt the old one made it too easy to search for me haha!
Like I say I've never used any thing like this before so no idea what I'm really doing!

TowelNumber42 · 14/08/2019 21:23

For all those saying well just don't do it. How is that possible? I'm incredibly house proud which is an attribute he loves about me, my current house has been done to a high standard and I have worked so very hard to be where I am now.

He is counting on you spending hundreds of hours designing and decorating his house.

Stay in your rented property. Don't move. Save your money and time for your son.

Skittlenommer · 14/08/2019 21:38

Sorry OP, but he probably saw your desperation from 1,000 miles away. You’re so desperate for another baby that you allowed money that should have gone to your existing child to fund this guy’s deposit. He’s very, very smart, and you’ve been used

This times a billion!

LittleWing80 · 14/08/2019 22:03

Don’t sign the disclaimer, you are entitled to a share of his deposit by allowing him to live rent free - bills free for 2 years. If you want to sign the disclaimer, get some £££ back and put them in savings.

rvby · 14/08/2019 22:16

So..

You want to get married, have more kids, have joint assets with this guy.

He doesn't want to get married, doesn't want kids, and refuses to have a joint asset with you.

And you're posting here because... why? What do you think is going to change, what are you hoping is going to happen here? Are you literally looking for ways to somehow force this guy to want what you want? Because it doesn't work that way...

Obviously dont move in with him, ffs. Try to remember you have a small child to look after here. You can't make THAT bad a decision just because you have a weird delusion that this guy is going to suddenly want the exact opposite to what hes literally told you to your face..

Skittlenommer · 14/08/2019 22:18

you are entitled to a share of his deposit by allowing him to live rent free - bills free for 2 years

No, she isn’t. The law doesn’t work like that. You don’t get rewarded for naivety!

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2019 22:28

“you are entitled to a share of his deposit by allowing him to live rent free - bills free for 2 years”

Morally - yes.
Legally- no.

C0untDucku1a · 14/08/2019 22:43

Stay whwre you are. If his house needs so much doing it isnt fair to your son to move into a building aite anyway.

Reassess once he has done the work.

CTRL · 14/08/2019 22:47

Stay where you are until you get married.

Honestly if I were him I wouldn’t be putting you on the mortgage either based on what I’ve read.

Ihatefootball86 · 14/08/2019 22:48

Ok, even putting the whole house issue aside. What about the baby you want? The marriage you want?
I know it's easy to look in and and say just leave, but i think you need to have a calm sit down with him explicity underling all your fears. And wants.
Then you should take it from there but I do believe you deserve more than this current set up!! And so does your child.

fedup21 · 14/08/2019 22:50

my current house has been done to a high standard and I have worked so very hard to be where I am now.

I thought you were renting-what have you done to the house?

Thehop · 14/08/2019 22:54

OP you are not a priority to him, nor does he see a future with you.

Please please don’t give up your home. If you do, take him at his word and build a nest egg for you and your ds for when you need to move out or to buy yourself a buy to let property and have your own security.

Whatever you do don’t get pregnant.

Please please stop wasting time, he doesn’t want marriage or children, or see a future with you.

doodleygirl · 14/08/2019 23:00

OP, you need to think with your head. This man is not behaving like a great father or partner.
He will not offer you or your DS any kind of commitment or security. Do not move your child from a stable home to a place where you have absolutely no power.. Stay put,

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