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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? Advice desperately needed

145 replies

bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 16:06

I desperately need advice off some strangers instead of people who know me and tell me what I feel is just what I want to hear.
My partner of 2 and a half years has recently bought a house, he put down around a 80k deposit. I live in a rented property with my 5 year old and have lived here for 6 years.
I am not on my boyfriends mortgage due to having no deposit however I have had a steady income for the last 5 years.
He has raised my son like he would his own and even more so since his dad walked out, he always tells me we're going to spend the rest of our lives together and we're in a very good and happy relationship. However I have a huge issue with not being on the mortgage to 'our' house. I feel that a deed of trust to say that I wouldn't be entitled to any of the money he put down will have been sufficient enough for him to be ok with putting me on the mortgage. He hasn't had me attend any meetings or appointments involving the house he has taken his mother along instead, I don't feel I have been involved in any part of it and I have had constant doubts about whether I'm doing the right thing in moving from my home with my son, to go somewhere with no security for myself, he could literally ask me to leave and I would have to.
Today he went back to the solicitor and told me that even though I'm not on the mortgage I still have to sign some form of document to say I have no rights to any part of the house or the money he has put down. Completely understandable that he wants to protect his assets but where is mine and my sons protection?
Am I right to be angry about not being on the mortgage and am I doing the right thing by leaving behind everything I know to move in with him despite it being nothing to do with me?
I hope you can help as I'm at a complete loose end!!!

OP posts:
Sisterlove · 14/08/2019 16:43

Cross posted

He lives in my house completely rent and bill free whilst he has been saving his arse off to then leave and let me uproot my life to live with him with no form of security.

Why on earth did you allow this?

He's a user. Good lord. ..You've been carrying him all this time. How old are you both?

I don't like the sound of him at all now.

Is that 'ok then' do you think

Robin2323 · 14/08/2019 16:46

He has also told me once before that it is his house and it will never be mine and I'll never have a say on it.

On this alone I would stay put.
Sounds like a toddler with a new toy.

Shocking.

If you are good enough to live with - you are good enough to marry.

A relationship is about growing together and sharing your life.

If he's not sure it's not going to work this protecting his assists it all a bit pointless.

ButterflyOne1 · 14/08/2019 16:47

The document to sign has nothing to do with your DP. This is a standard requirement from mortgage lenders when another adult is living in a house when they are not on the mortgage.

He may not have asked for you to be on the mortgage for a number of reasons. You need to speak to him about that but if you have debts then perhaps he might have got less favourable mortgage terms if your credit is poor.

It doesn't sound like you communicate very well. You are being given the opportunity to live together and pay off debts. You don't have to pay rent so perhaps after this then maybe you could talk about being put on the mortgage and deeds.

Your DP has put up the deposit and will have sole reasonability for the mortgage repayment. I think it's fair for him to start this journey on his own and ad you later.

Some may also say that 2.5 years isn't that long to be together too.

Bluntness100 · 14/08/2019 16:47

Why did you let him live in your house rent and bill free for God's sake?

ImNotYourGranny · 14/08/2019 16:50

He has also told me once before that it is his house and it will never be mine and I'll never have a say on it.

That tells you everything you need to know about how he sees the future with you. Bin him and look for someone who actually sees a future with you.

fedup21 · 14/08/2019 16:50

Why on earth have you let him life with you rent and Bill free??

Original poster
bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 16:52

Butterfly1
Thank you for your input everything you have said is pretty much what he said.
My debt is just catalogue repayments it's not something I'm proud of but my credit score is very good because I always pay more than the minimum repayment and never late. So when I spoke to my own mortgage advisor to check that what he was telling me were factually based she told me that to boost your credit score they would ask to either get a credit card or a catalogue so I'm pretty much one step ahead. I'm just desperate to get it paid off because I don't like the thought of having it

OP posts:
TheSandman · 14/08/2019 16:55

You need to get married

Which does not necessarily give the spouse rights to anything owned by the other partner before marriage. Certainly in Scotland assets acquired pre-marriage in one person's name aren't automatically counted as "Matrimonial Property" - houses and furniture MAY be, but I think only if they were bought specifically with the intent to be lived in or used by both parties.

I bought my house 30 years ago. It's in my name. I met and married my wife 17 years ago. (Some 13 years after I bought the property.) As I understand it she has no ownership of 'our home' (i.e. my house) and I would have to specifically leave it to her in my will for it not to be shared between her and our kids when I snuff it.

TowelNumber42 · 14/08/2019 16:56

I would not move in.

he always tells me we're going to spend the rest of our lives together Clearly this is a barefaced lie. He is actively preparing for a break up. He took advantage of you previously. You subsidising his lifestyle paid for a chunk of that deposit. Wanker.

The only circumstance in which I would move in is:

  • pay no rent or bills, same as when he lived with you, for similar duration.
  • you save like crazy for your own deposit, just like he did when he lived with you.
  • spend not a single penny on doing up his fixer upper, nor a bead of sweat beyond a normal share of normal housework.
  • be open with him and with DS that you are living there while you save up for your own deposit.

Only stop doing this if you get married (don't stop based on a proposal or engagement, only marriage certificate in your hands).

yetmorecrap · 14/08/2019 16:59

I think its a dangerous and insecure position to find yourself OP and would ask for £4000 now for you and your child to move in . That money should then be put away for 'if' you needed to rehome yourself and your child quickly if the relationship fails and covers deposit, rent up front and a move. No-one thinks it willbut better be safe than sorry. I would also say you will be contributing to food and utilities etc at a fair rate but not the mortgage. Its very different to paying rent because if the property gains in value he will get that gain, not you if you aren't married. Its all very well people saying you could get your contribution back, trying to get it isn't that straightforward especially if they don't want to sell and the relationship hasn't ended well. I would be very very cautious about moving in with someone who says 'the house will never be yours'! The other option is to get married if you would like that and he would like that or to stay put. Can I ask, did his parents give him a large chunk of this deposit? If so, I wonder if that's why he is so odd about it all.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/08/2019 17:00

He lives in my house completely rent and bill free whilst he has been saving his arse off to then leave and let me uproot my life to live with him with no form of security

He has also told me once before that it is his house and it will never be mine and I'll never have a say on it

Read these two sentences together. Sorry, but he has used you to save up for his deposit and you've let him. He's now offering you nothing in return.

Sounds like you have a good set up where you are. Stay put. And I think it's time to throw this one back in the pond. Doesn't sound like he has any long-term commitments in mind at all.

Pogmella · 14/08/2019 17:03

Fair enough Sandman but OP is being asked to take a huge risk- if he had expressed a wish to marry although not fail safe it would feel more risk averse. He’d be unlikely (not impossible obv) to simply boot her out and if he died etc she’d have security.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 14/08/2019 17:07

Don't move in Op.

I do completely understand where he's coming from in wanting to financially protect himself & he's not unreasonable in doing that. However, that's not compatible with you and your DS having security regarding your home.

Would you also actually want to live in a house that you've been clearly told you have no claim on or right to? I wouldn't feel comfortable there at all - at least with renting it's still 'yours' to live freely in (within the bounds of your lease obviously).

ButterflyOne1 · 14/08/2019 17:07

@bethsmith024 focus on repaying the debts then circle back to this chat. Hope you're feeling a bit better.

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2019 17:08

Stay put!

And dump him - there is no future here.

If you moved in you'd be a lodger with no security.

And up till now he's been a cocklodger who saw you coming.

Original poster
bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 17:08

We are not on the same page with marriage etc. I will make a joke about him proposing if we go away or something and he will make a comment about it never happening. Marriage and to share someone's last name and to plan an amazing wedding etc is a massive dream of mine so when I talk about it he laughs it off as though it won't happen. I am also desperate for another baby as I love being a mother I feel that it is what I'm just meant to be however he is very against this as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 17:09

@ButterflyOne1 thank you so much xx

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/08/2019 17:10

Op why are you with him? It makes no sense.

Bookworm4 · 14/08/2019 17:11

Have you mentioned to him that your generosity allowed him to save this deposit? I’d be handing him an invoice for backdated rent at a rate of £500pm. Absolute cheeky fuck, I can’t believe he had the nerve to move in with a single parent and live free, did you ever ask him for rent or bills?

womaninthedark · 14/08/2019 17:14

Bluntness100 He lives in my house completely rent and bill free whilst he has been saving his arse off to then leave and let me uproot my life to live with him with no form of security. Is that 'ok then' do you think?

Not sure what Bluntness thinks but I think you've been had.
He's taken advantage of you. Men do that sometimes, when women aren't wary. I'm sure women take advantage of men, too. Even so, it puts you in a weakened position.

You have no rights at all over the home he has saved for while you supported him.

Don't move in with him. Don't give him any further financial support. Tell him he's had enough of what's yours and you're letting him go.
Mean it.

Pogmella · 14/08/2019 17:16

OP I wouldn’t put it past him to use your place as a helpful base while he renovates and then cut his ties after that. You don’t involve yourself with a single parent unless you’re prepared to meaningfully commit.

Original poster
bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 17:16

He pays for the shopping and if I ever need the odd £10 here and there he will give me it no problem. And he already had 50k saved before we got together. He was gifted 16k and the other 14k has come from continuous saving from yes my generosity and from selling his car.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 14/08/2019 17:17

Why did you allow this? Not often I’m gobsmacked at the cheek or naïveté of people but this thread has got me!

Bluntness100 · 14/08/2019 17:18

Well I don't think it's ok that's for sure. He sponged off a single parent and didn't contribute, laughs off your hopes to get married or have a baby and is going thr extra mile to make sure you can never ever have a claim on his house. This boys not even leaving it to the law, he's putting an extra layer in by getting you to sign documents to be sure.

I also don't think it's ok you're with him op. You'd have to be off your head.

fedup21 · 14/08/2019 17:18

I have no comprehension why you would let him sponge off like you like that. I think you’ve been quite naive.