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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? Advice desperately needed

145 replies

bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 16:06

I desperately need advice off some strangers instead of people who know me and tell me what I feel is just what I want to hear.
My partner of 2 and a half years has recently bought a house, he put down around a 80k deposit. I live in a rented property with my 5 year old and have lived here for 6 years.
I am not on my boyfriends mortgage due to having no deposit however I have had a steady income for the last 5 years.
He has raised my son like he would his own and even more so since his dad walked out, he always tells me we're going to spend the rest of our lives together and we're in a very good and happy relationship. However I have a huge issue with not being on the mortgage to 'our' house. I feel that a deed of trust to say that I wouldn't be entitled to any of the money he put down will have been sufficient enough for him to be ok with putting me on the mortgage. He hasn't had me attend any meetings or appointments involving the house he has taken his mother along instead, I don't feel I have been involved in any part of it and I have had constant doubts about whether I'm doing the right thing in moving from my home with my son, to go somewhere with no security for myself, he could literally ask me to leave and I would have to.
Today he went back to the solicitor and told me that even though I'm not on the mortgage I still have to sign some form of document to say I have no rights to any part of the house or the money he has put down. Completely understandable that he wants to protect his assets but where is mine and my sons protection?
Am I right to be angry about not being on the mortgage and am I doing the right thing by leaving behind everything I know to move in with him despite it being nothing to do with me?
I hope you can help as I'm at a complete loose end!!!

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 14/08/2019 18:18

Reading your comments OP, you really aren’t on the same page, I think this guy does like you but has also found you jolly useful helping him save for a future that’s 100% about him. As I said before if you do move(and I would not) ask him for hard cash to protect you and your child. As he has been paying next to bugger all, think of it as rent he hasn’t been paying you .

category12 · 14/08/2019 18:22

Crikey, so he's feathered his nest at your expense, by living with you rent-free, and now has bought a house. Partly off your back and thinks you shouldn't have any claim on it. And no sign of marriage or anything.

You really should start looking at what he's saying and doing with clear eyes.

You want marriage. He says never happening.
He's bought a house. He says you're never having a claim on it.
You want more children. He's very against it.

What the actual fuck are you doing with him? You don't want the same things. Stop flogging a dead horse.

Stay where you are, break up with him. Find someone who wants the same things as you.

HeyMonkey · 14/08/2019 18:22

You're not on the same page OP. I can understand both perspectives.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 14/08/2019 18:28

OP, I moved in to my DP's home with my DC from my own, perfectly nice home. I paid half the mortgage and half the bills there 🙄 and heard the constant refrain of 'it's your home too'. Very easy to offer these casual assurances when you are safe in red knowledge that, actually, it is nobody else's home other than the person on the deeds.

Then we split up and me and my DC had to move out on the same day. Because it wasn't my home.

I will never put myself and especially my DC in that position again and I urge you not to do this either.

KTara · 14/08/2019 18:35

Did you give up any benefits as a single mum when he moved in with you? Even the discount on the council tax? Because I would agree with the PP who said you need to backdate his contributions on rent at your place AND any benefits you have lost since he moved in with you.

He has gained financially whilst you have lost. Stay where you are and find someone who wants the same things as you.

Original poster
bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 18:36

Thank you everyone so so much I so appreciate your advice and opinions.. I just want to point out once again that my idea was to have my put on the mortgage and then for me to sign a deed of trust to say I wouldn't ever be able to touch the huge deposit he has put down. I wouldn't even expect it any other way I completely understand him protecting his life savings. However me being on his mortgage means me being entitled to any money I put in for bills etc. Furniture I've bought, work I've put in, housework I do etc etc. For all those saying well just don't do it. How is that possible? I'm incredibly house proud which is an attribute he loves about me, my current house has been done to a high standard and I have worked so very hard to be where I am now. At first he did want me to pay bills but we have now settled on me paying off my catalogues, learning to drive, paying the food bill etc. Whilst I appreciate him wanting to help me in that way I am also very aware of the fact that if I don't contribute to any bills I will be even more worse off. All I want is a form of security. His family have a perfect life painted for him and I have never felt me and my son are a part of that picture and we are just there 'for now'. I love him so much and couldn't imagine my life with someone else and it takes an amazing person to step up to the plate of raising another mans son. I wish he didn't have so much money as if he was only putting a small deposit down, I would be on the mortgage.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 14/08/2019 18:36

Why did you let him live rent-free? What a wanker. Him not you.

CIareIsland · 14/08/2019 18:38

OP are you deaf and blind?

This cocklodger has exploited you and your child.

He does not want to give your DS a sibling, secure parents through marriage or a secure home.

Skittlenommer · 14/08/2019 18:41

OP are you deaf and blind?

Apparently so! This will likely end in tears but hopefully lessons will be learned if it does.

KTara · 14/08/2019 18:43

Your current house is done to a very high standard and this new house of his needs renovating. Who do you think will end up helping out with the renovations?

category12 · 14/08/2019 18:44

He doesn't want to marry you.

He doesn't want to share assets with you.

He doesn't want children with you.

Bookworm4 · 14/08/2019 18:44

Is he your sons dad? I’m confused.
You still have not answered the numerous people asking why you let him live free at your house?
Did he say he was saving to buy? Or are you just desperate for him to be with you?

Original poster
bethsmith024 · 14/08/2019 18:59

I mean I don't think theres any need for the insults I've come here to find some answers and whilst I'm getting them some of you are being awful without even realising it. No he isn't my sons dad however he loves him and fathers him like any real good father would. I let him live rent free because it isn't his house, a lot of his things aren't even at my house as it's easier for them to not be here due to the size. He is literally living out of a bag under the bed with the bottom drawer. Not that any of that matters because it's nothing to do with what I'm asking. Of course I'm aware that he is technically 'sponging' but if I need it he will always help me out

OP posts:
Skittlenommer · 14/08/2019 18:59

Is he your sons dad? I’m confused

No, he’s not. Son’s Dad is the guy she dated after they broke up.

Skittlenommer · 14/08/2019 19:01

Good luck OP, you’re going to need it!

HeyMonkey · 14/08/2019 19:06

So if you do want to move in with him you open up a savings account and put any money in that that you would have paid in rent.

So that if you split up and you need to leave you'll have a good fund behind you.

Muggedoffit · 14/08/2019 19:08

To be fair, people are just trying to help you understand how much you've been taken advantage of.

I'm sure he has good points but he is just not committed to you.

You can realise it now or you can realise it later when you and your son are up shit creek without a paddle.

AnneKipanki · 14/08/2019 19:08

Keep your own place. This is always going to be his .
2 years then a gap , swears he has always loved you . 2 and half years on ...
I do not think he wants to marry .

category12 · 14/08/2019 19:09

I don't think OP's for real.

AnneKipanki · 14/08/2019 19:11

Ok

Have you done AS @category12 ?
I can't. You could be right.

Bookworm4 · 14/08/2019 19:13

OP was on another thread at 4pm asking same question

Robin2323 · 14/08/2019 19:25

You want marriage. He says never happening.
He's bought a house. He says you're never having a claim on it.
You want more children. He's very against it.

If this is for real - and I'm beginning to wonder

You may love him op but from the above it's pretty obvious he doesn't feel the same way.

You seem to be completely ignoring the 'awful ' things he's saying about you and your future.

When you love each other you build a future together.

I think the plan his parents have for him is the one he seems to be following. All the evidence is pointing that way.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 14/08/2019 19:27

Marriage, mortgage and baby talk after only 2 and a half years together is absurd!

Eh? That statement itself is absurd!

OP, if you do move in with him, put aside the money you’re saving on rent into a savings account. That will be security for you if you need to leave in the future.

hotdogsausages · 14/08/2019 19:29

So basically he's used you to save up a deposit for his house and now he wants to use you to help pay his mortgage for his house?!
Seriously you can do much better OP, he's a joke!

ashtrayheart · 14/08/2019 19:38

Just don't do it. He's not that into you and is using you, it seems.