Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does this person sound like a friend?

113 replies

gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 18:03

Long term friend, 21 years since university days. It's been mainly ms staying in touch. Last saw each other in May.

Texted last week to say hi, how have you been not heard from you in a while. No reply. Sent a couple of chaser texts a few days ago. Last one 'just checking your getting these'as I seriously thought after 6 days and 2 texts there 'd be a reason I wasn't hearing back.

Got rant text back today saying how I was making him feel like a bad friend for forcing him to reply and he'd been busy etc. He was on holiday but only in UK so not like he was abroad. Said I'd turned replying from a pleasure to a chore.

Am I the one in the wrong here? Yes I did send a couple of chaser texts but only cos the first one went unanswered.

Feel now like I am really questioning this friend ship and my place in it.

OP posts:
regularbutpanickingabit · 13/08/2019 18:09

Yes, you are the one in the wrong. It’s a bit much to send messages like that, with chasing texts as well! He was on holiday, you presumably didn’t have an arrangement that you were supposed to be texting at that point and he’s right that you are making texting a big chore. You sound pretty demanding, to be frank.

Who was he on holiday with?

Butterfly005 · 13/08/2019 18:14

I don't think you're the one in the wrong, OP. My mum always says "your phone is your slave and not your master" - if he doesn't want to reply he can easily ignore his phone. Or even reply saying "bit busy, can I get back to you?"

You're just wanting to catch up with a friend - makes you sound like a good friend, not a bad one.

username678889 · 13/08/2019 18:15

He could of replied to say on holiday will catch up when I'm back . Tbh I think it's a bit rude to not text back after 6 days but I wouldn't send that message you sent I would of just left it .

Chitarra · 13/08/2019 18:20

I think you're both in the wrong! Sorry but I would never send 2 chasing texts (unless it was urgent obvs), I would also not send a ranty reply.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 18:21

I seriously don't know with texts how long you are supposed to leave it if someone doesn't reply. A few days? A week? Forever? It just makes me feel like i'm not of any value to the other person if they cba to reply.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 13/08/2019 18:22

I wouldn’t have sent the chasing texts but the reply was rather nasty. And it seems like you’re doing all the running anyway.

Tracklements · 13/08/2019 18:25

Bad manners and very impolite on his part, and I don't think your messages were over the top at all. I'd just text back and say ta-ta then, have a nice life, or words to that effect.

NoBaggyPants · 13/08/2019 18:27

How many texts did you send?

I can't be doing with small talk texts. Did you have a reason to get in touch?

Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 18:28

My reason for getting in touch was cos we'd not spoken in a while and I wanted to arrange meeting up.

OP posts:
Deedee248 · 13/08/2019 18:28

I would have sent a reply saying Fine thanks. On holiday at present. Will text you soon.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 18:29

How do I send texts that don't get replied to, without feeling ignored if that makes sense? I'm not talking after a day or two but after longer than that.

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 13/08/2019 18:29

I don’t think it’s unusual for someone not to reply to a ‘catch up’ text for a while, and I wouldn’t have chased it. His ‘ranty’ response sounds a bit weird though; is this characteristic of him?

HeyMonkey · 13/08/2019 18:33

If it was a good friend and I'd not heard back after 10 days or so I'd worry slightly and probably check their social media to make sure they haven't had a terrible accident or something.

6 days plus them being on holiday I think it's a bit mad for you to be chasing them.

Skang · 13/08/2019 18:33

If someone didn't reply to me I would just leave it and not chase at all, ever. What's the point? If they still want to be friends they will text back eventually when its convenient for them, if not then you avoid looking neurotic.

I definitely wouldn't send any 'have a nice life' texts now! He will either get back apologising or that's it. No need to burn bridges with petty messages back.

NoBaggyPants · 13/08/2019 18:34

Well you are being ignored, but that's fine if you're not getting in touch for a particular reason. People don't have to respond to pointless messages.

LadyGAgain · 13/08/2019 18:34

I think that we now live in a world where people expect instant responses. Yes he could have just said "I'm on hols and will be in touch to catch up" but your persistent texting either lends to insecurity or you firmly sit in this modern expectation of instant response. You're both being a bit unreasonable.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 18:36

No, I wouldn't say it is characteristic of him but I can see how we might have got annoyed. But what about me getting annoyed at him ignoring me, I feel like that somehow isn't allowed as a valid response (but his is). Serious question, but does the sender have the right to expect a response in this situation? Maybe this is where I am going wrong...

OP posts:
Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 18:43

I didn't know he was on holiday until he told me

OP posts:
category12 · 13/08/2019 18:44

He's rude. If you were asking about meeting up then there was a purpose to it, not just small talk, and it's rude not to reply back after a couple of days or so.

Maybe it's time to let it go if you're always the one initiating contact - reduce it down to a card at Christmas mentally.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 18:47

If the friendship was more balanced I could probably tolerate the odd non replied text a lot better. Its just when you are insecure in the friendship anyway (cos it's one sided) then these things become more loaded and I begin to think 'do they really give a shit about me' ? And that makes me more needy of reassurance than perhaps in other friendships.

OP posts:
Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 18:49

Anyway looks like I got my answer

OP posts:
AHamsterOnAWheel · 13/08/2019 18:50

He was rude. You were not in the wrong. You're not a mind reader! How were you to know he was on holiday?! Even so, no one is that busy they can't send a quick response to say they are away and will be in touch soon. I'm rubbish with replying to texts. I often mean to and then forget or forget to press send so chaser texts to me from others are a good thing. I would just send him a text to say sorry, you didn't intend to make him feel bad as you hadn't realised he was on holiday. Wish him a nice holiday and tell him to let you know when he's back if he fancies a catch up. Leave the ball in his court but be prepared for this friendship to have ended. I wouldn't chase anymore.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 18:53

I replied to say maybe we need to have a chat about this sometime, as IMO its not the kind of thing to try and resolve on text. He's not replied, I don't expect him to. If he cares about sorting it out, he'll surely phone for a chat or arrange to have one. If not, then I'm not doing any more chasing as I don't like the way he's made me the one totally in the wrong here. OK maybe the chasey thing was annoying but then so is having a friendly text go unanswerd!

OP posts:
LemonAddict · 13/08/2019 18:55

He’ll be one of those people who is found dead at home after months of not being seen or heard from and nobody will have checked up on him because he’s an ignorant pig that can’t take 10 seconds out of his day to reply” on hols, will text when home”.

BananaFace5 · 13/08/2019 18:56

I agree with @Skang
You dont deserve a response to a text I feel. Yeah it's rude of him to not reply but that's his decision to make and if he wants to be rude and not reply then theres not a lot you can do about it really. Unless I spoke to someone very regularly then I might send a chase up text just checking theyre ok or something but only people Im very close to ie dmum or dsis and friends I see every week.