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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does this person sound like a friend?

113 replies

gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 18:03

Long term friend, 21 years since university days. It's been mainly ms staying in touch. Last saw each other in May.

Texted last week to say hi, how have you been not heard from you in a while. No reply. Sent a couple of chaser texts a few days ago. Last one 'just checking your getting these'as I seriously thought after 6 days and 2 texts there 'd be a reason I wasn't hearing back.

Got rant text back today saying how I was making him feel like a bad friend for forcing him to reply and he'd been busy etc. He was on holiday but only in UK so not like he was abroad. Said I'd turned replying from a pleasure to a chore.

Am I the one in the wrong here? Yes I did send a couple of chaser texts but only cos the first one went unanswered.

Feel now like I am really questioning this friend ship and my place in it.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 14/08/2019 08:26

He was on holiday, UK or not. I’m a good text friend but sometime life is busy and I’d find the follow up chasers really irritating and clingy. If you feel he isn’t bothered about continuing the meet ups, why are you?

Original poster
gearandloathing · 14/08/2019 08:35

When we get together we have a good time and it's an old friendship with much shared history, so I'd need more than just this one time to sack it off for good. Dont wand yo throw out the baby with the bathwater

OP posts:
Chitarra · 14/08/2019 08:57

Wow, so many different perspectives! I think what this is telling you is that we all have different expectations from a friendship. A simple question like "how quickly should I expect a reply" will get a different answer from everyone - there's no single 'right' or 'wrong' answer. Part of having long term friendships is understanding this and getting it right so that the relationship is comfortable and easy on both sides - either by choosing friends who have similar expectations to you, or by adapting your expectations to find a compromise that works for both of you.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 14/08/2019 09:02

For sure. He's clearly a 'I'll text back in my own time' guy.

For contrast another friend forgot to text me back on something and apologised for the lapse, as I would.

I try not to go longer than 48 hours before responding but I guess this is a good lesson in not applying my rules to other people.

OP posts:
Chitarra · 14/08/2019 09:07

This is definitely something I've found in my adult life. I try to be a good person / mum / wife / daughter / sister / friend and I think the one that I feel least confident about is whether or not I'm a good friend. Because of the different expectations thing.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 14/08/2019 09:15

Also, I sometimes feel there is a fine line between setting high standards for yourself and being demanding. I try not to cross it!

OP posts:
DtPeabodysLoosePants · 14/08/2019 09:21

I have no time for people like this. Time to let him go. You say the friendship is one sided anyway so raise your bar and find friends where there is mutual respect.
I've had friends who wouldn't reply to my texts for days if at all but when they were with me their phone never left their side and they'd reply immediately.
He's putting you in your place. Fuck that.

NeedtoRecover · 14/08/2019 09:21

I think you were wrong to chase him. He’s on holiday, maybe he wants a break from his phone, maybe he’s trying to spend quality time with his family (or whoever he’s with).

At this time of year especially I wouldn’t have followed up with texts checking they’re ok as I would have just assumed they were away.
He shouldn’t have sent a ranty text but maybe he’s feeling a bit suffocated by your texts? You sound a bit heavy sending a text about having a talk to clear the air. You could have just sent a text saying glad you’re ok, text me when you’re less busy.

WalkofShame · 14/08/2019 09:23

As you’ve discovered, everyone has different expectations and it sounds like yours are incompatible.

I disagree that he checked out of the friendship, for me the great thing about good friends is that they understand that they both have lives so don’t judge each other. There are a million reasons why someone might not reply straight away. I’d have been stressed out and annoyed by you harassing me with lots of follow up texts, not sure that I’d have responded in the same way that he did but I would definitely have thought you were being selfish and demanding which is not what friendship should be in my opinion.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 14/08/2019 09:26

If he is unhappy with me enough to send me a ranty , telly-offy text which I can't reply to (well I can but he probably won't reply to my response) then I'd rather just discuss it via chat. I'm a great believer in not using text as a medium if you're upset with someone

OP posts:
Idontwanttotalk · 14/08/2019 09:31

I don't respond to texts unless urgent on holiday wherever I am holidaying. I'm escaping the rat race. If someone is a special part of my life they will know I am away. If I had a spare minute at night I might text 'On holiday atm' but it would depend on how many texts I received.

I have a sibling who can take 6 days to respond to a text. I never chase them as I know that's their norm.

I'd have texted and just left it for them to respond in their own time. What's the point of sending follow-up texts asking if he's getting them when you are texting the same number. If he didn't get the first, why would he get the others?

Although you've known each other a while it does sound like you are more invested in the friendship than he is. Catching up shouldn't be a chore. Maybe he has had a lot on though and hopefully you can catch up sometime and smooth things over.

Oh and can I please ask you not to use the word "depressing" so casually in describing the end of a friendship. No, it isn't depressing for most although it can be if you already suffer from severe depression. It is something affecting just one aspect of your life. It is disappointing and hurtful and you might feel a bit low about it for a time but it isn't depressing. Your whole world hasn't come crashing down. Using the term does a great disservice to those with clinical and severe depression. It reduces the perception of depression to feeling a bit low or disappointed about something. It's a bit of a bugbear of mine.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 14/08/2019 09:35

Actually, I do find the ending of a long term friendship depressing @Idontwanttotalk and this has been a source of real, medically recognised depression for me in the past.

I therefore do feel it is valid to use the word depressing in relation to this... you don't know my medical history or what my depressions have been caused by in the past so please don't ask me not to use the word 'depressing' for a situation that I feel can exacerbate depression in myself. Its a perfectly valid descriptor IMHO.

OP posts:
WalkofShame · 14/08/2019 09:40

this has been a source of real, medically recognised depression for me in the past

This puts your posts into a much clearer context. Did you get CBT for your depression? That might help with thinking patterns which might lead you to interpret other people’s behaviours in quite an unhelpful way.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 14/08/2019 09:44

He has texted me this morning saying that he's not great at getting in touch particularly spontaneously but appreciates it when I do and that h values my friendship but has a lot on, so not to take it personally if he does not reply but give him a gentle nudge after a couple of weeks.

That's a lot better now, feel like we've set out our expectations with each other and I'll not hassle him in future for fear of him not giving a shit (if that makes sense). Glad he replied.

OP posts:
WalkofShame · 14/08/2019 09:49

Have you done CBT?

Howconvenient · 14/08/2019 09:50

Wow we have the vocab police on here, good to know.
I am an OCD sufferer , have been since childhood, and it sucks.
But I don't have a go at people for saying ' he's obsessed about football' when it is clearly not meant as clinically obsessed.
Can we not make everything about us?
Her use of ' depressing 'is not offensive, come on.
And it's not even that inaccurate, by the sound of it, when you read about her experience.
OP, he is your friend and you have history.
It is hard to let go.
But I would personally struggle with his attitude.
True, your chasing him up might be a bit much, a bit intense.
But his reply was very dismissive and quite brutal.
I would have told him to go to hell.
He sounds like he's done and you can't do anything about this, but you deserve to be treated with respect.

Howconvenient · 14/08/2019 09:53

Oops apologies, just read your update.
He has calmed down a lot and seems to actually value your friendship. Fair enough.
I think you will just have to accept that this is the way he is if you want to stay friends.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 14/08/2019 09:55

Yeah, I'm going the phone route in future. I've realised that if I can get him on the phone it's a lot easier no back and forth and waiting for answers particualrly if you're trying to arrange something.

OP posts:
Original poster
gearandloathing · 14/08/2019 09:57

WalkofShame I did 'CAT' which is a different type of therapy although equally valid.

It did work at the time but I'm probably a bit rusty now and fallen into old traps. Its easy to think 'they don't care' when someone doesn't reply to me which probably makes me needy and becomes self fulfilling, rather than they're busy/it's their style/etc which are more innocuous thoughts. It is the first thought I go to though and I can't be the only one.

OP posts:
Chitarra · 14/08/2019 10:02

Good result OP.

WalkofShame · 14/08/2019 10:04

Sounds like you got it but maybe in those moments of emotionally charged thinking it would be helpful to remind yourself of this again?

Doesn’t really matter what other people think, it’s about you being able to maintain your own well-being and relationships.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 14/08/2019 10:05

Also this happens more with certain friends than others, based on the general dynamics. Another friend could not reply to a text but cause I know she loves me it wouldn't bother me, or at least I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she's ignoring me. So it's not just me, it's also them.

OP posts:
OpheliaTodd · 14/08/2019 10:12

OP you did nothing wrong. I’m not sure why you’re getting such flak.

If I get a text from a friend I will reply as soon as I’m able - even if it’s “Hiya, busy at the mo”. That took literally 10 seconds. I know all my friends are the same. If it’s a friend, who you like and whose interaction you welcome, why would you wait days? That’s rude. The text he sent you was rude. I’d assume he wasn’t fussed about being friends any more and ditch him.

Kewlwifee · 14/08/2019 10:14

I'd say that this guy sees you as someone he catches up with once a year or less and you see him as a part of a closer network of friends. Therefore, you have mismatched expectations.

Lauraloop1516 · 14/08/2019 10:15

A holiday's a holiday, whether in the UK or abroad. I never reply to texts - especially ones that don't need a reply - when I'm on holiday. It would have annoyed me to have felt chased when it had only been 6 days!

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