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Original poster

Does this person sound like a friend?

113 replies

gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 18:03

Long term friend, 21 years since university days. It's been mainly ms staying in touch. Last saw each other in May.

Texted last week to say hi, how have you been not heard from you in a while. No reply. Sent a couple of chaser texts a few days ago. Last one 'just checking your getting these'as I seriously thought after 6 days and 2 texts there 'd be a reason I wasn't hearing back.

Got rant text back today saying how I was making him feel like a bad friend for forcing him to reply and he'd been busy etc. He was on holiday but only in UK so not like he was abroad. Said I'd turned replying from a pleasure to a chore.

Am I the one in the wrong here? Yes I did send a couple of chaser texts but only cos the first one went unanswered.

Feel now like I am really questioning this friend ship and my place in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 18:57

Also, it was only a uk holiday... when I'm on holiday in the uk I still find plenty of time to reply to texts so I'm not sure that being on holiday precludes a quick reply anyway (although maybe not long conversations if you're busy/with other people)

OP posts:
Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 18:59

Could you not say that about any social behaviour, @BananaFace5? No one has the right to make anyone behave a certain way, if someone wants to be rude that's up to them and not a lot you can do BUT if people want to maintain friendships they think about the feelings of others when deciding how to respond?
Maybe the friendship is not important to him in that case.

OP posts:
Tracklements · 13/08/2019 19:23

I don't ignore texts from friends for days on end - it's just bloody rude.

dontfollowmeimlosttoo · 13/08/2019 19:33

You are being very clingy

Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 19:40

Just don't like to feel like I'm being ignored, is that clingy?

OP posts:
BananaFace5 · 13/08/2019 19:50

Not liking feeling ignored isnt necessarily clingy but sending multiple follow up texts to someone is, thats the difference

Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 20:30

Genuine question for Banana of anyone else. If you texted an old and you believed good friend and you just didn't hear back, what would you do and how long would you leave it?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/08/2019 20:31

I would just wait to hear back and get on with my life. Wouldn't chase them up, would assume they have a good reason for not replying immediately.

Chitarra · 13/08/2019 20:32

If I texted an old friend asking if they wanted to meet up and received no response, I’d assume they were too busy and I’d try again a few weeks later.

Charmatt · 13/08/2019 20:48

I've just been on holiday in the UK and had no signal. I got my texts on Saturday when I was back in range. However, to be honest I was away from it all with my family for the most important 2 weeks of our year. I would have replied to anything that wasn't life or death, even if I had a signal!

You texted him at a time convenient to you. Why can't he reply at a time convenient to him?

Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 20:50

Because I'm afraid he won't reply at all.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 13/08/2019 21:03

If I text a friend something that is not a specific question, I don’t really expect an answer. If it is a question then I would expect an answer and depending on how important it was, I might follow up in a few days. For a general «meet up» question I would assume no answer meant they were busy, and I would wait a couple of months to try again.

Robin2323 · 13/08/2019 21:14

He doesn't seem that bothered.
I know that's painful as you clearly are.

I'd draw a line under this friendship and find some new friends who really appreciate you.

This one is showing you no respect. Do not under value yourself.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 13/08/2019 21:17

Thanks Robin, what struck me most was he told me off for 'making him feel like a bad friend '

And I thought, well what if you feel like a bad friend because that's the truth?

OP posts:
ConfCall · 13/08/2019 22:10

Have there ever been romantic feelings on either side? Was he on holiday with his wife and kids? Do you do most of the running?

I’m curious about the background because I am wondering what made him lash out like that, uncharacteristically. Something is amiss.

ChopinIn10Minuets · 13/08/2019 23:58

Something is amiss.
That may be so, but the old saying 'not your circus, not your monkeys' comes to mind. It's a waste of time trying to find out if he has no interest in telling you.

Seaweed42 · 14/08/2019 00:16

Sounds like he felt hounded by you. You needed a reply, so kept texting. Did you use emotional language in the texts?

Howconvenient · 14/08/2019 00:18

Sounds like a lot of hard work. Friendships should be me more straightforward than this. I had a friend like that. I was the one who had to arrange stuff, only to find nearer the time that friend had ' double booked'
Wouldn't get replies to texts etc.
Honestly after a while you get the sense that they are not that bothered and you give up.
How is their time more important than yours? Don't chase. Don't beg.
Move on .
Your friend is being rude by not replying.
You chasing him up is giving him the perfect excuse to turn ot around and saying you are the one with the problem.
Wish him all the best and make it clear you are done.

falaff · 14/08/2019 00:49

I have this with someone. I find it really hard when I send a message and it's either left on unread for days and read and then ignored. His excuse is that he doesn't really look at his phone but he does. It's rude and makes me feel really worthless, so I get you. I keep thinking I should reevaluate the friendship as it is very onesided but then again I enjoy spending time together. I don't know if he's oblivious to it making me feel shit or he's just rude!

Skittlesandbeer · 14/08/2019 01:22

My ‘response time’ is longer than the average these days. It’s a ‘policy’ I set with regard for how my life goes, and partly to protect my mental health. Any friend who starts pestering me with follow up messages would get short shrift. It’s my choice when I respond. It’s their choice to distance themselves from the friendship if they find that response time ‘too long’.

You be responsible for your self-esteem. Relying on others to boost it, in whatever ways, is a strategy certain to end in disappointment.

Assume people like you, and will get in touch with you when they can. Putting people on a timer linked to your preferences is rude too.

ChristmasFluff · 14/08/2019 07:20

Why would you want to be friends with someone who can't even be bothered to reply to a text? You aren't asking him to write War and Peace!

If any friend of mine didn't reply to a text in 24 hours, let alone a few days, I'd be worried about them - because all my friends are decent humans who don't just ignore others. Just because it is a text, it is still a communication. I would definitely send a 'chaser' text, because I'd be worried something was wrong - they were ill or something. I would definitely not expect to get a mouthful back, even if they were on holiday. Where's he gone? That land where they chop your fingers off?

Here's a quick way to give your self-esteem a boost - block this person totally.

Ohyesiam · 14/08/2019 07:34

It does sound like you need a lot of validation. Your response to his non response wasn’t
I wonder if he’s ok
He must be busy etc

It was that you don’t like being ignored.

CodenameVillanelle · 14/08/2019 07:37

He's CLEARLY telling you he's not bothered about the friendship anymore. You already feel 'insecure' in the friendship and he's literally said that communicating with you is a chore. Let. It. Go. This friendship has run its course.

Original poster
gearandloathing · 14/08/2019 08:19

Wow, so many different perspectives! Some saying he is the rude one, others thinking I am rude. I've read and thought about them all.

I think I know in my heart of heart's he's not too bothered about whether we stay in touch which is why I'm insecure when he doesn't reply. Other friends I don't get this so much.

I did text back suggesting a chat sometime to clear the air which hes not replied to so I'm going to leave the ball in his court now and if he doesn't reply, not get in touch again for a good few months at least. 8m not gonna pursue the meeting up thing, doesn't feel right now.

Certainly wont text him again if I can avoid it.
God isn't it depressing when friendships turn to shit?

OP posts:
Screamqueenz · 14/08/2019 08:24

It sounds like the friendship is over from his side, why would you text in a few months? Just leave it and move on, it's his loss, not yours.

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