Does this person sound like a friend?

[gearandloathing]

Long term friend, 21 years since university days. It's been mainly ms staying in touch. Last saw each other in May.

Texted last week to say hi, how have you been not heard from you in a while. No reply. Sent a couple of chaser texts a few days ago. Last one 'just checking your getting these'as I seriously thought after 6 days and 2 texts there 'd be a reason I wasn't hearing back.

Got rant text back today saying how I was making him feel like a bad friend for forcing him to reply and he'd been busy etc. He was on holiday but only in UK so not like he was abroad. Said I'd turned replying from a pleasure to a chore.

Am I the one in the wrong here? Yes I did send a couple of chaser texts but only cos the first one went unanswered.

Feel now like I am really questioning this friend ship and my place in it.

I think you are right that it comes down to different communication styles. My preference and that of my friends is much like Jemima has with her friends. I suspect that it isn't coincidental that my friends and I have similar communication styles, it is probably one of the reasons why we get on so well.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your communication style and there are lots of people who think quick responses to messages are very important. There is nothing wrong with that when you both want it. However this guy seems to be in the same group as Jemima and I, so ringing him instead of texting will feel like more of the same hassling but by phone instead of text. If you want this friendship to continue, I would really recommend you give him space. Call him, but leave it a month before you do. I'm sure he also cherishes your friendship but he is saying clearly that he needs less contact.

You didn't say it was a heinous crime but your posts give that impression.

I sent the chasers because I'm impatient and insecure (with this particular friendship, not all of my friendships) I suppose is the honest answer, plus my style is to be happy to hear from people and respond pretty quickly and if I'm honest I was guilty of doing that thing where you assume other people think the same way as you do.

It sounds like you do have insight into why you did it, which is positive. The trick now is translating that into action next time your anxiety is triggered! Have you any thoughts on how you’d do that?

I think an earlier PP was on the money too when they said it sounds like he sees you as an old friend who he likes catching up with a few times per year, but you perhaps see him as a far closer friend so your expectations are mismatched.

I've had messages left unanswered for weeks! I just assume people are busy and often forget I've even sent a message so no chance of getting offended.

I feel lucky in that all of my friends seem v laid back, nobody expects a swift reply and nobody is aggrieved or offended if there's a late or even no reply! But we are all still very close and I've been friends with some of them for 30+ years but it's the same with those I've only known for less time.

I think we are solid friends and his text this morning confirmed that. We just have different styles, we're clearly both int he two different camps I identified.

I really think I'll be fine now he sent me the text this morning telling me he valued the friendship and that he was like this with everyone. I probably will still get a bit frustrated if I text him and he doesn't reply for say a week. But not as much as before and I won't send any chasing texts.. not before the two weeks he told me anyway (after which time he can hardly complain seeing as he said to nudge him after 2 weeks).
I'll still not be happy if he takes, say 10 days to get back to me. But having seen from the 'rude to expect a reply' campers views on here I'll more respect his right to get back to me in his own time and understand that it's annoying to be chased.

I suspect that it isn't coincidental that my friends and I have similar communication styles, it is probably one of the reasons why we get on so well.

Indeed, and when you try and maintain a friendship with very different styles and expectations it usually doesn’t last long!

I find that people with OP’s style of communication tend to see people with our style as being more detached or aloof or less caring, which is a shame. I would be pretty miffed and feel disrespected and suffocated if a friend sent me chasers (especially the ‘aren’t you getting my messages’ one which sounds passive aggressive to my ears), yet if a friend rang at 1am in a state or was taken to a&e or had been dumped or was just in the depths of a depressive episode I’d be in my car within ten minutes however far away they were (many of my friends are a 100m round trip away and I regularly make the trip just for coffee). I really value my friendships more than almost anything else and believe they take effort, but by the same token I afford friends the respect of being able to decide when they want to and are able to get in touch with me and vice verse, we’re secure enough to realise that not speaking for two months or a text going unanswered for a few weeks has no bearing on the strength of our bond. Friendships ebb and flow.

I personally think it's rude not to acknowledge a message but not everyone is like that.

I tend to use WhatsApp or FB messenger so l can see if it's been read and l decide on my next move then

He's not wanting to be your friend much

OP I'm surprised that you've been friends for 21 years and have only just realised his 'messaging style'. Also if you've been friends that long why are still so insecure in the relationship and wondering whether he values the friendship?

I'd have thought these sorts of things would have been worked out long ago.

I would respond to a text immediately if it was an emergency though and I'd probably phone in that case rather than text. But this would be obvious from the actual message. Anything else depends on how I'm feeling and what else I've got going on at the time.

I definitely couldn't be friends with some one where I felt under pressure to reply and who chased me if I didn't.

Can I just point out that it also depends on the particular friend. One of my friends, if she didn't answer a text I'd more be concerned for her than for myself (as she's had depression in the past). I wouldn't start thinking 'she doesn't like me she's ignoring me' . But with some friends, sad to say, I would. So a lot depends on the strength of the friendship to begin with. Although I can see how it would be a 'self fulfilling prophecy' with a friendship that wasn't in a good place, and one friend started pulling away the other started chasing it might sound the death knell.

Just in case I am coming across like some needy insecure person ALL the time.

I think if you will still be unhappy if he does what he usually does and takes up to 2 weeks to respond to a non-urgent text, you are too incompatible to be close friends. What about keeping it at social media friends? Like each other's pictures and that but not try to meet or have phone based interaction like calls and texts? I too think this has bugged him for a while and that's why he snapped.

I think it's healthier to have relationships (including friendships) where people are equally into each other for the most part. I don't think it is healthy to have unmet expectations of people over prolonged periods. It messes with your self esteem.

It really sounds like you're insecure in this friendship because you know on some level it only still exists due to your efforts. Whether he's a bit shit generally or just doesn't prioritise this friendship enough to make that effort is immaterial.

I think if it's a text, then you have no idea when or even whether it has been read, so you can't really take exception to receiving no reply within a particular timeframe.

What annoys me is on Whatsapp or Messenger where you actually know when somebody has seen the message, and they still don't bother to reply, even to give a brief acknowledgement and say that they will be in touch later.