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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband on holiday in Thailand, took wedding band off...

172 replies

02shanso · 12/08/2019 12:10

Hiya! I don't really have anyone to talk to about this (they are all too close, know too much already and it's just too upsetting for me) we have a lot of trust issues in our marriage as it is, some say he's cheated on me, some say not. I have no idea (trying to do the right thing & support and stay for our 2 year old)

He is recovering from pornography addiction (12 step programme), he's been chatting to other women at length about private things & our marriage. Using dating apps...all while married to me.

Anyway...he's in Thailand (I'm at home with 2 year old) with his cousins but he's ventured off alone for the sights and boat trips. He sent me photos and he's not got his wedding band on. But the ring on his other hand is still in place on other photos at the same location.

Should I be worried and am I being unreasonable asking him to take STI tests on his return?

I hope that makes sense, sorry! Thanks xx

OP posts:
SaraNade · 13/08/2019 02:31

@CostaOrProseccoPlease She indicates he wears a ring on each hand, and one ring, the wedding one, was missing, from his left hand. The ring on his right hand was still there. So reversed or not, he has removed one of his two rings, and unless he removed his right one (which seems unlikely), a reverse photo still shows a ring on one hand missing.

notangelinajolie · 13/08/2019 02:35

Doesn't matter why he went to Thailand - fact is he went. In my book that is enough to end it. Seriously, do you really want a perv man like this to be daddy to your child? Run OP run.

1forAll74 · 13/08/2019 03:15

You sound like a sensible woman there, and obviously have the measure of your partner and his ways,he sounds like a free agent most of the time, and probably more so in Thailand.

I am glad that you were able to have a lovely time in Ireland, but wondering what you are going to do about the future with this less than perfect man.

I am not a person who just says leave the man, or pack his bags whatever,as you never know all the details of people's lives, but good luck anyway.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 13/08/2019 03:16

why is being a single parent easier/more fun that being with DH.....!?!?

Because he's a piece of shit?

MardAsSnails · 13/08/2019 04:05

I travel alone a lot and never wear my wedding rings as my hands swell in humidity.

My husband travels to Thailand a lot for work and am pretty certain he’s not up to anything (where possible he stretches it over a weekend if I can join him for a few days)

However, sorry, but your husband seems to be a cunt. Proposal in front of all his cousins? Worst. Excuse. Ever. And being a single parent is easier than being with him? Tell him to stay there and leave you to it. You’ll be happier in the long run.

PeachesPlumsPears · 13/08/2019 05:12

My male work colleagues were also going to Thailand for the ladies they met in the bars. They were convinced these ladies were not prostitutes and wanted a long term relationship with them so would pretend to be single Hmm

DarklyDreamingDexter · 13/08/2019 08:01

Pack his stuff into bin bags while he's away. Kick him out. A guy with a porn addiction, who's been messaging other women on dating apps is in Thailand for the sightseeing and boat trips?! Seriously? Get rid of this cheating scrumbag and work on your own self esteem to raise your bar higher in future.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 13/08/2019 08:05

I wouldn't care if he's in Thailand or a coach trip around Norfolk with pensioners.... the rest of it is bad enough .
I'd use his time away to make plans for leaving/ him to leave/ sorting out separation etc

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 13/08/2019 08:06

And OP I've been in your shoes.... Thailand and everything

Drogosnextwife · 13/08/2019 08:09

STI test, no, divorce, yes.

legolimb · 13/08/2019 08:16

Dump him.

SummerInTheVillage · 13/08/2019 08:20

Get rid. Pack for him.

Original poster
02shanso · 13/08/2019 09:05

@HIVpos...i'm 30...not sure what that is, somewhere middling to young I hope!!! and no i never post because i felt you wouldn't get well rounded support (because of not having all the facts etc...)

One thing that strikes me here though is the fact i'm having a really hard time convincing people of the actual truth (My husbands cousin really is proposing in Thailand to a UK girl and wants his other cousins to be there (both male & female) I know it sounds out there but its true.

Yet on the other hand many out here have no problem convincing me that a recovering porn addict just cannot stay safe, ever again on the basis of a few red (granted massive red) flags.

I don't mind the comments though - like i said before, it simplifies the situation and the way i'm feeling and brings me some level of comfort but my goodness...I actually feel guilty for feeling so strongly about how important marriage is and holding on to a tiny glimmer of hope about anything.

Despite the way he treats me, he's actually a damn good dad to our son, maybe i should have put that in my OP (i was upset and typing away thinking only of myself)

I'm not deleting anything either, as i've not decided if this has been helpful yet or not and im not about to jump of any bridges after 1 day of harsh truth, i've been through much worse LOL

if you got through my essay, thanks :)

OP posts:
BillGiggeloe · 13/08/2019 10:03

Whereabouts has he gone?
There are places in Thailand like Koh Phi Phi and Krabi that are majority Muslim.

I know Phi Phi doesn't have girly bars, never been to Krabi but my cousin has and said it was very conservative.

On the other hand if it's Pattaya or Patong...

katewhinesalot · 13/08/2019 10:18

Surely if there was a big gang of them there, then there would have been at least one person wanting to go off with him exploring.
On his own with no wedding ring. Hmmmm [sceptical]

simplekindoflife · 13/08/2019 10:51

Good luck OP Thanks

I suppose there's a chance it's completely innocent but he doesn't have the best track record. And Thailand isn't the best place to resist temptation... Confused

Might be an idea for both of you to get an STI test when he comes back though, just for your own safety, especially as you have a child.

feministwithtitsin · 13/08/2019 11:14

It's bizarre to travel thousands of miles to watch someone propose. But I suppose bizarre things happen all the time.

Going to Thailand for no good reason (like work or to a wedding) when you have a young family and money is tight would suggest to me that his priorities are out of whack.

I don't know if you have a problem with this or not. But add that to the other problems you have in your marriage, plus the fact he isn't wearing his wedding ring and it doesn't look good.

alligatorsmile · 13/08/2019 11:15

I dunno. I don't class going halfway across the planet for a jolly (even if he's not a sex tourist, which seems unlikely), and using family money to do so, and using dating apps while married, as "good dad" activities.

In our shock at what he's doing, no-one's picked up on the fact that he has been using dating apps while married to you. That is enough, on its own. Add to that the fact that you feel happier/have more fun when he isn't around. HE doesn't seem to put much store on the value of marriage, HE hasn't made any effort to work on the relationship, why's it up to you?

tomatostottie · 13/08/2019 11:46

why is being a single parent easier/more fun that being with DH.....!?!?!

Because he is a low-life scumbag who isn't thinking about you and making sure you have a nice life, he's thinking about himself and he's busy talking to other women about your relationship instead of working on any issues with you and he's pissing about on dating apps.
You went to Ireland to visit your sister - someone who genuinely cares about you - and you had a wonderful time.
You would have a wonderful time on your own as a single parent with your child as well - it wouldn't be easy, of course it wouldn't - but you'd be able to manage as so many others and you could make your life great for the two of you without being in the shadow of someone else's porn/sex addiction.

The whole proposal thing with all the cousins there is totally weird - have you also seen photos of the group of them doing things together? What are the cousins doing while is is looking at the "sights" and going on "boat trips"? I can just about believe the cousins going on holiday for a proposal thing, but I find it very difficult to believe that there's a group of them there and not one of them wants to look at the "sights" with your 'D'H.

I think you should LTB. It's actually irrelevant whether he's sleeping around with prostitutes in Thailand because his UK based behaviour is more than good reason enough for him to be shown the door.

simplekindoflife · 13/08/2019 13:26

"It's bizarre to travel thousands of miles to watch someone propose. But I suppose bizarre things happen all the time."

I know! If that's what the couple are expecting when they propose, can you imagine how they're going to be when it comes to their engagement party, hen and stag dos and the actual wedding! I bet there will be a CF wedding thread based on them from one of their guests!

prawnsword · 13/08/2019 13:32

From his previous form for sexual indiscretions it is highly probable he has taken himself on a solo sex tourist holiday. How lovely...(sarcastic). Am sorry op but nothing good comes out of the average single male geezer or Aussie travelling around the notorious hotspots of Thailand.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 13/08/2019 14:44

@prawnsword Aussie?

prawnsword · 13/08/2019 15:07

Neither of our countries has a great reputation when visiting foreign tropical tourist destinations FYI

prawnsword · 13/08/2019 15:07

Or any destination really...

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 13/08/2019 15:10

I'm not from either country, was just bemused that you singled them out.

On another note: Is your name Prawn Sword or Prans Word? I need to know Grin

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