Messages on DP's phone, do we still have a chance?

[DaisyD22]

Apologies for a long thread but want to avoid drip-feeding. Me and my DP, both 35, have been together for 6 years, we split before as we didn't get on very well and there were also external factors to do with jobs, family bereavement, money etc. which didn't help.
Mutual decision, we stayed friends as had still lots of respect and love for each other. We lived over 1 year apart, then started to become closer and after almost 2 years since 1st split, we got back together, moved in. We spend lots of time talking and making changes to make sure we don't repeat old mistakes. First months were great, almost felt like being in love for the 1st time again but now, almost another year on, we are struggling. We just seem to be different in many aspects, we argue quite a lot. I am career focused, he is more laid back. I am messy, he is tidy. I earn more than him, he just gets by. Sex is not great, it happens but it seems like a chore at times.
I still love him to bits as he is a good and caring man and I do know he loves me too but we just don't get on on a daily basis.
Recently he went to work and forgot to take his phone, and I did something I have never done before, I checked his FB. There were quite a lot of messages between him and one girl, I figured out it is someone he must have been dating or sleeping with when we were apart. The messages between them were rather friendly then sexual and quite reserved from her side but there was certain level of intimacy, as if they knew each other very well.
DP said in one message that me and him are not getting on :( and we might even split in the future... that was after one of our rows. He also complimented this girl many times and many times mentioned how much fun they had together in the past. He mentioned her 'great tits' once, too. Her response to all that is just laughing and changing subject usually. DP sent her a picture of himself, just a selfie and asked her for pictures, too. She ignored it but eventually sent him a couple of pics, night out ones with friends and one pretty selfie, with 'great tits' visible. DP's response was wow you are looking lovely, great, hot, still beautiful.
The messages went on for a couple of weeks, sometimes there were a couple of days with no contact. Last contact was about 3 weeks ago. Her last message was: I don't think we should talk that much while you are still in a relationship with Daisy, which he responded to: yes, I know, it's great to be back in touch but I do need to focus on trying to fix my relation with Daisy so it is best if we don't talk much right now.
I am really confused and upset by these messages. He clearly fancies her and trusts her enough to say we are struggling. It seems like a huge breach of trust. On the other hand,
I know him so well and know he would never cheat. It is just not in his book. So it is not physical now... and it's seems kind of typical for man to think of sex with other women, especially when things are not great at home... But... His FB search shows that he checks her profile out regularly and I also saw some downloaded pics of her in his phone. Most just normal ones but one or two quite seductive selfies, tops with cleavage, shorts, with legs and heels exposed. Not really sure what he saw in her as she is quite average.
She is older than me and I think less attractive but he clearly fancies her.
I just don't know what to do and think. We looked at houses together recently and I am also thinking I don't have that much time left for trying for a child but clearly it is all too messy now to even consider getting pregnant.
Is there any chance from here for me and DP? Should I confront him about it all?

He clearly fancies this woman. Hes told her she has great tits! What part dont you understand?! Please leave him now before it gets messy (you end up buying a home together and making children).

He said about me being negative and not supportive, the thing is that I already have heard that. His family doesn't really like me, we are all civil but his sister said a couple of times I am 'high maintenance' or 'drama queen' and his brothers just tolerate me. I had an argument once with his sis, lashing out at me once and askinh 'what else dows he need to do to make you happy' confused. The thing is, I kind of admire his sister as she is a genuinely nice person, with a lovely family, maybe a a bit blunt but I still sort of admire her... and it makes me think that maybe she has a point.
My parents did well in life and accepted DP the way he is but I know my mum thinks he is not succesful and driven enough. I am worried that maybe I am pushing a decent man away as I am just spoilt.
My siblings, cousins, even younger ones all have their own houses, good cars, nice holidays while he is 35 and hasn't even stepped on a property ladder. On the other hand he is generous and does treat me, us, within his limits. And it shouldn't be all about money or lifestyle

Bloody hell Daisy, you don’t even seem to respect him. You sound different people. Pull the plug.

Oh for goodness sake, OP. Where is your self-respect?

You know what you need to do. If you won't do that, absolutely nobody can help you.

Not really sure what he saw in her as she is quite average
She is older than me and I think less attractive but he clearly fancies her

Yet you’re both very hung up on her.

Why aren't you listening OP?
I don't think anyone thinks this is the right relationship to stay in. You've given it a damn good try - now it's time to call it a day. It feels like you are settling for crumbs here because you know him well and can't face him not being around and you going it alone.

He has saved photos of another woman on his phone and been pursuing her with messages. She just hasn't been fully responding because she has respect for you. Unlike him.

It's doomed.

Not really sure what he saw in her as she is quite average.

Most people are "quite average" and other people still fall in love with them and fancy them 🙄

What about you? How much more than "quite average" are you?

He's probably staying with you for the same reason you are staying with him. You both know you are incompatible, you both know the other is a fairly decent person, you remember a time when you seemed to be compatible and want that back because it would be so much easier.

You and he are friends not lovers. Cut him loose. Get your money back on the holiday. Mourn for a while then rise from the ashes. Properly end it asap. Things will be crap for a few months, you'll have a period of misery, then you will be fine.

I know everyone will say I'm horrible but honestly this thread is a waste of time. Yours and ours.

You've been back numerous times because his behaviour is bad but you choose to stay because it gets better and then his behaviour gets worse and you seek advice and ignore it all because his behaviour is better. Rinse and repeat.

He won't change his behaviour because you put up with it. You won't take advice on how to extract yourself and ensure your self-esteem and boundaries are stronger so this doesn't happen again. Posters here will only have the same advice every time you find messages in which he's trying to organise his sex life behind your back and being (in my opinion) creepy and pushy and wearing down another woman's boundaries, and it isn't helping you.

Are you familiar with the theory of cheaters and cake?

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Just read the thread.

Lass you’ve lost him. You’d have lost him before now if the other woman allowed him a flash of a green light.

You lost him earlier this year. You know that don’t you? You are his fall back girl. The easy option until he gets what he wants.

He may have been your rock once. He isn’t any more. You can’t lean on a jelly mess.

Be kinder to yourself and move on.

Jees give the girl a break. He's made his feelings clear as has she, so just leave OP be. Posters are just sooo desperate to project their bad experiences onto others. He was very clear on his feelings but other, mind-reading, posters have put their, exceptionally cynical spin on it to try and split up the couple. She's a grown up, leave her be

I have packed a bag and told him I am going to stay with a friend for a couple of days. Told him that I need like I am on the edge, need space and just think about us and he only nodded his head and said he knows and feels the same. He offered to go himself but I just feel like I need to get out of here. I booked a hotel from tomorrow for 2 nights. Don't want anyone to pity me so friend is an excuse so he does let me go. He just left and said he will sleep on the sofa once back. I have a couple of days off now, he goes back to work tomorrow. I cannot believe this is happening. Yet I have no courage to bring this woman up. He is not even defensive and it's like he has given up.
I would have been out already but I've been drinking so cannot drive. He hasn't taken the car either so I take he just walked to the pub. He hasn't any close friends locally so I take he is on his own.

I am sure he would not cheat as we discussed cheating many times and he has strict beliefs about it.

His strict beliefs seem pretty flexible if he thinks commenting on another woman’s breasts is ok.

Some relationships have an expiry date and yours appears to have not only reached it but has passed it too.

Fear is keeping you in this relationship, let him go.

I don’t think he will be on his own flower.

The fact that he didn’t fight for you to stay is not terribly reassuring.

Time apart will give you a chance to see things clearly. I hope you get the best outcome for you.

'He decided not to talk to her anymore before I saw the messages. AND there was zero contact for weeks now. Things have been ok last 2-3 weeks. So he made his choice of prioritising us now...'

Nope she told him he shouldn't be msging her in that way while he was with you, not the other way around.

I don't think I am making excuses for him.

You are

Also

Life doesn't go backwards

You can't go back to what you had

You might be able to make what you have better , but I doubt it

The relationship sounds awful to me

Daisy, it is tragic that you are clinging to this man who has been betraying and disrespecting you since August. He tells this woman that he cares for her, fancies her, and is masturbating to her photos. He says that he cannot stop thinking of their sexual encounters and he compliments her body. That is despicable.

Find your self-respect and anger. Stop tolerating his sleazy betrayal. Confront him about this woman and end this.

He has already checked out. Time you did the same.

it's like he has given up.

He has he just doesn't want to be the bad guy and end the relationship.

I just don't understand why he hasn't left yet. What keeps him here if he is unhappy.

Many men won't move on until they have a sure thing to go to. Once he has, he'll be off.

What keeps him in it? If not love then what?
Reverse that!
What keeps YOU in it?
Please raise your bar and your standards.
You've let this go on and no and not tackled it.
Why is that?

We were so happy first 3 or 4 years though and we love each other. Maybe we just need to compromise better.

You've started a thread because you're worried about his FB messages with another woman. Then spend the thread convincing us how great he is.

Rephrase your statement to say "maybe I just need to compromise more" - if you want to settle for less, and spend your life worried about what he chooses to get up to on social media, then that's your choice, go right ahead.

You don't sound compatible, you've already split up and got back together but things aren't right between you. He's showing you he's prepared to wander, doesn't that give you a message?

Just realised this thread goes back to Aug! In one of your updates he gives you a laundry list of all the things that are wrong with the relationship and they're all about you, things you're not doing, things you're doing wrong. Nowhere has he in anyway taken ownership of 50% of the relationship and what he should be doing.

He admitted there was someone he liked but it was more filling the void, fighting with loneliness and sex

Poor unloved boy! What a cruel world it must be for him to be so lonely. No, what an insult to the woman that he should describe her as filling the void, what a convenient explanation, I wonder if she knows he feels like that!

I sense this is going to be one of those threads where you refuse to face reality and will settle for him for another few years, but keep coming back asking for validation,

You've really given this relationship plenty of time. Now you need to move on. He is all set to do just that. Don't cling to memories of what he was like - look at what he is like now and how he is (mis)treating you.

So I haven't seen him since new year but we are communicating through texts and we spoke on the phone.
I asked him if there is an OW and he says that no, there is not. I repeated, is there anyone in your life that you fancy or consider attractive or think of having a relationship with potentially and his response was that of course there are women he fancies, that surely there are men I fancy too but he doesn't act on it. I said what do you mean by this and his answer is I would never sleep with another woman, I don't want to be with anyone else but you, I love you and so on.
I don't know what is wrong with me, I cannot just admit I know about these texts.
Clearly he doesn't see his actions (talking to her) as cheating as it is not physical. Or maybe he does know it is some form of being unfaithful but doesn't care. Maybe he does still love me (pathetic I know, but what else if not love?)
Something must keep him coming back.
His behaviour is very confusing to me.
He cried on the phone.
He suggested we go away for the weekend, somewhere nice to connect and just spend quality time together. I said I am fed up with serious converations and he was like no, no serious chats if we go, just fun and good time together so we can remember what we have in common and what brought us together.
Makes sense in some ways but on the other hand what is the point to go away if we come back to every day routines and he will be potentially contacting this woman again?
I am very confused and upset with it all but being away from home helps me to see things more clearly, too. Staying at my cousins's tonight. We are going out and to be honest I feel like having a great time, having cocktails and talking to guys, maybe even chatting up someone. I just wanna forget about it all for a while and make sure thag someone does fancy me, too.

Jesus wept! Why are you still talking to this guy. You're 35 now. If you ever want children of your own, get out now.
If you ever want to be happy, get out now.

The problem is not this woman. The problem is that your relationship is not working, you're not getting on with each other and there are absolutely no signs that it will get better.

End the relationship, block him and give yourself space to focus on you and what you want from your life.