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Original poster

Messages on DP's phone, do we still have a chance?

206 replies

DaisyD22 · 09/08/2019 13:12

Apologies for a long thread but want to avoid drip-feeding. Me and my DP, both 35, have been together for 6 years, we split before as we didn't get on very well and there were also external factors to do with jobs, family bereavement, money etc. which didn't help.
Mutual decision, we stayed friends as had still lots of respect and love for each other. We lived over 1 year apart, then started to become closer and after almost 2 years since 1st split, we got back together, moved in. We spend lots of time talking and making changes to make sure we don't repeat old mistakes. First months were great, almost felt like being in love for the 1st time again but now, almost another year on, we are struggling. We just seem to be different in many aspects, we argue quite a lot. I am career focused, he is more laid back. I am messy, he is tidy. I earn more than him, he just gets by. Sex is not great, it happens but it seems like a chore at times.
I still love him to bits as he is a good and caring man and I do know he loves me too but we just don't get on on a daily basis.
Recently he went to work and forgot to take his phone, and I did something I have never done before, I checked his FB. There were quite a lot of messages between him and one girl, I figured out it is someone he must have been dating or sleeping with when we were apart. The messages between them were rather friendly then sexual and quite reserved from her side but there was certain level of intimacy, as if they knew each other very well.
DP said in one message that me and him are not getting on :( and we might even split in the future... that was after one of our rows. He also complimented this girl many times and many times mentioned how much fun they had together in the past. He mentioned her 'great tits' once, too. Her response to all that is just laughing and changing subject usually. DP sent her a picture of himself, just a selfie and asked her for pictures, too. She ignored it but eventually sent him a couple of pics, night out ones with friends and one pretty selfie, with 'great tits' visible. DP's response was wow you are looking lovely, great, hot, still beautiful.
The messages went on for a couple of weeks, sometimes there were a couple of days with no contact. Last contact was about 3 weeks ago. Her last message was: I don't think we should talk that much while you are still in a relationship with Daisy, which he responded to: yes, I know, it's great to be back in touch but I do need to focus on trying to fix my relation with Daisy so it is best if we don't talk much right now.
I am really confused and upset by these messages. He clearly fancies her and trusts her enough to say we are struggling. It seems like a huge breach of trust. On the other hand,
I know him so well and know he would never cheat. It is just not in his book. So it is not physical now... and it's seems kind of typical for man to think of sex with other women, especially when things are not great at home... But... His FB search shows that he checks her profile out regularly and I also saw some downloaded pics of her in his phone. Most just normal ones but one or two quite seductive selfies, tops with cleavage, shorts, with legs and heels exposed. Not really sure what he saw in her as she is quite average.
She is older than me and I think less attractive but he clearly fancies her.
I just don't know what to do and think. We looked at houses together recently and I am also thinking I don't have that much time left for trying for a child but clearly it is all too messy now to even consider getting pregnant.
Is there any chance from here for me and DP? Should I confront him about it all?

OP posts:
LettuceP · 09/08/2019 13:42

I know him so well and know he would never cheat do you not see those messages as cheating then? I certainly would, he's crossed a line. On top of that she's clearly not that interested and he's pestering her and commenting on her body which makes him a creep. I've never in my life met a man like that that hasn't cheated on his partner, so I would bet you are very much mistaken on thinking he wouldn't cheat.

Walk away, life is too short to put up with a bloke like that.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2019 13:42

I think much comes down to if you believe secretly texting another woman and telling her she's got great tits is cheating or not.

thebogwitchisback · 09/08/2019 13:43

My ex also had strict opinions on cheating. People who cheated were scum.
He still cheated all round him and messaged other women.
Your dp might be saying all the fancy words but his actions are speaking volumes.
If my dp was telling another woman she had nice tits while in a relationship with me he'd be frog marched straight out the door.

He's breached your trust. Why are you accepting it?

MarthasGinYard · 09/08/2019 13:43

'He mentioned her 'great tits' once, too.'

Raise your bar for goodness sake

Do you have to be with a guy who secretly flirts with women and compliments them on their 'toys'Hmm

What a prick

Parent999 · 09/08/2019 13:44

DaisyD22 Fri 09-Aug-19 13:39:11
He is not a cheating type.

Oh dear Daisy, please. Just look up cognitive dissonance. Its like smoking when you know its bad for you but making excuses to justify it.

What chance do you really have when, at the least, he has a backup plan in the wings. Every time you guys have an argument you'll be worrying about the other woman again. Youll end up in the loony bin doing that.

MarthasGinYard · 09/08/2019 13:44

'He is not a cheating type.'

Wake up and smell the coffee

Cloudyapples · 09/08/2019 13:45

But he’s cheated emotionally at least? He’s confided in her about your relationship and splitting with you, but not talked to you? Honestly it doesn’t sound good.

Pinkmonkeybird · 09/08/2019 13:46

I know him so well and know he would never cheat. It is just not in his book.

^^ so many other women, including myself have said this...and it turned out to be an affair of some kind, emotional or physical.

Yes it is fine to fancy other people, but then there is acting on it by telling them they look hot etc and commenting on their 'great tits' Hmm. Either way..no matter how much you paint the picture of him to be kind and helpful, a good laugh etc...he is betraying you!! Whether this woman is interested in him or not..it is HIM that is the problem.

Read back your responses..you are talking yourself into being the person to blame for your relationship while he is basically lining up his exit strategy.

So you have two choices;

  1. carry on in this substandard relationship, second guessing as to whether he is grooming this woman to be the next branch he is swinging on to. Carry on convincing yourself you are to blame and should compromise.
  2. or you confront the cheating shite?

Please have some self respect!

Original poster
DaisyD22 · 09/08/2019 13:49

I don't see it as cheating yet but it does cross a line! But I think he only does it as we have issues...
Having fun together, we do try. We travel a lot ans go out a lot together but I dislike his hobby (motorcycling) so every other weekend he does that while I do my stuff. I see it as dangerous and too expensive for what he earns but he won't limit this as it's his thing he says.
Money is a problem, too. I am earn double what he does and while I am saving up for the house, he spends it all. He only earns about 25k a year and has debt but in all honesty it only happend because of him moving away from London and his old good job.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/08/2019 13:52

I think uou need to raise the bar op. Your standards are too low.

What is it, are you desperate to just be settled, have kids, and it doesn't matter how shit your relationship is, how much you argue, how little time you spend together at the weekends, how much he hits on other women, you'll just hang on in there till grim death?

Original poster
DaisyD22 · 09/08/2019 14:01

When we met, we were both living in London, both good jobs and good money. And he was so different, so much better than any previous man I dated. We were very happy. But then I was made redundant and my dad passed away, I was mess for months. He was my rock. I still struggled with finding the right job and we drifted apart. I moved back home, sorted myself out, we got back together... but his life kibd of changed for worse career wise and it almost feels like he lost his drive. Which, frankly, is a bit unattractive. But there is more to life than money and career... If only we could go back to what we had!

OP posts:
Work12 · 09/08/2019 14:02

If anything the girl was trying to end his msgs and he was just being a pestering sleaze! So what if he cooks and cleans etc maybe his msgs were a way out of boredom, you msgd an old flame when you were on a break, he has done it while you were together and yes you have had a cancer scare, some nice man! Get rid because once a baby comes along and your boobs are leaking with milk and you're too tired for him and just want to focus on the baby im sure he will be looking for attention again elsewhere

MarianaMoatedGrange · 09/08/2019 14:02

You're even making excuses about his having debt, while he just carries on enjoying his expensive hobby Hmm

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 09/08/2019 14:03

Life’s too short. You’re flogging a dead horse. You’ve tried but you say yourself you just don’t get on. You argue. Sex is a chore.

I’d end things. You may well be happier. Don’t, whatever you do, have a baby with him.

Original poster
DaisyD22 · 09/08/2019 14:03

And yes I want kids and marriage eventually but I am not desperate for it. I have a good lifestyle but would want more of his equal imput in it.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 09/08/2019 14:03

You split once because you ‘didn’t get on’ and now you’re having more difficulties because you don’t get on.

Why not just accept the relationship doesn’t work and move on?

StarGOLD · 09/08/2019 14:04

Oh come on, what’s going on here? You’ve set yourself a really low standard...you’re making excuses for all his faults and probably at the end of the day you’ll settle cheaply for this fella who is emotionally cheating on you. Really...don’t you believe you deserve better ? I feel for you if you don’t.

TatianaLarina · 09/08/2019 14:05

He’s not cheating yet. He’s in relationship that isn’t working and he’s looking around for someone else to go out with. Which is you what OP should be doing.

Pinkmonkeybird · 09/08/2019 14:05

@DaisyD22 you are in total denial and I don't understand why you are posting here for advice.

lovelookslikethis · 09/08/2019 14:07

If that was my dp he would be out of the door.
No ifs and no buts.

He is lining her up for when things implode with you. You are not describing love and passion for this man, you are not even describing a half decent relationship. You are describing indifference, settling for something that isn't bad (but is far from great) and dissatisfaction on your part. Why are you still with him?

In the meantime he is having a relationship be it purely emotional with another woman, and you are considering staying with him?? Having dc together?

A man that is already shown you how dishonest he can be, not to mention the absence of loyalty to you.

Get out, and give yourself the best chance to meet someone you truly love, because you sure as hell have nothing to lose.

TatianaLarina · 09/08/2019 14:07

If only we could go back to what we had!

You have though. What you had was splitting up because you didn’t get on. Which is where you are again now.

Original poster
DaisyD22 · 09/08/2019 14:08

I don't think I am making excuses for him. When I was off work for months in our London phase he supported me, paid for all, even paid off my car loan. I mentioned his expensive hobby just to give a full picture. It irritates me but I probably should not complain about his money situation as he pays his share, always, for bills, food etc. But he could do so much better but choosing not to.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 09/08/2019 14:09

He can be the nicest man in the world, but if he's not right for you, then he's not right. Don't try to talk yourself into a relationship because it 'used to be good' or because you laugh a lot.

It sounds as though you are just two very different people and would make great friends, but just aren't suited to being together as a couple. Get out and meet other people and let him do the same. This other woman doesn't exactly seem to be champing at the bit to meet up with him, so I think he may find it harder to find someone than you will!

lovelookslikethis · 09/08/2019 14:11

What difference does it make that he was there for you when you needed him, he was supposed to be there, he is your dp.

That does not make him marriage material though, he doesn't even make him boyfriend material as it turns out.

Why do you have to grateful that he was there for you? Pays bills? For gods sake op, you have either had some truly shit boyfriends or you have very low self esteem, either way you can do so much better.

Are ever going to get over those comments to the other woman? Because I most certainly couldn't.

Boysey45 · 09/08/2019 14:13

I'd call it a day OP for your own sanity and mental health. Also beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Many men are like a rat up a drainpipe with anyone female who gives them the time of day.It sounds like shes not even that interested and hes being a pest.
Your better off out of it and on your own OP.

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