Messages on DP's phone, do we still have a chance?

[DaisyD22]

Apologies for a long thread but want to avoid drip-feeding. Me and my DP, both 35, have been together for 6 years, we split before as we didn't get on very well and there were also external factors to do with jobs, family bereavement, money etc. which didn't help.
Mutual decision, we stayed friends as had still lots of respect and love for each other. We lived over 1 year apart, then started to become closer and after almost 2 years since 1st split, we got back together, moved in. We spend lots of time talking and making changes to make sure we don't repeat old mistakes. First months were great, almost felt like being in love for the 1st time again but now, almost another year on, we are struggling. We just seem to be different in many aspects, we argue quite a lot. I am career focused, he is more laid back. I am messy, he is tidy. I earn more than him, he just gets by. Sex is not great, it happens but it seems like a chore at times.
I still love him to bits as he is a good and caring man and I do know he loves me too but we just don't get on on a daily basis.
Recently he went to work and forgot to take his phone, and I did something I have never done before, I checked his FB. There were quite a lot of messages between him and one girl, I figured out it is someone he must have been dating or sleeping with when we were apart. The messages between them were rather friendly then sexual and quite reserved from her side but there was certain level of intimacy, as if they knew each other very well.
DP said in one message that me and him are not getting on :( and we might even split in the future... that was after one of our rows. He also complimented this girl many times and many times mentioned how much fun they had together in the past. He mentioned her 'great tits' once, too. Her response to all that is just laughing and changing subject usually. DP sent her a picture of himself, just a selfie and asked her for pictures, too. She ignored it but eventually sent him a couple of pics, night out ones with friends and one pretty selfie, with 'great tits' visible. DP's response was wow you are looking lovely, great, hot, still beautiful.
The messages went on for a couple of weeks, sometimes there were a couple of days with no contact. Last contact was about 3 weeks ago. Her last message was: I don't think we should talk that much while you are still in a relationship with Daisy, which he responded to: yes, I know, it's great to be back in touch but I do need to focus on trying to fix my relation with Daisy so it is best if we don't talk much right now.
I am really confused and upset by these messages. He clearly fancies her and trusts her enough to say we are struggling. It seems like a huge breach of trust. On the other hand,
I know him so well and know he would never cheat. It is just not in his book. So it is not physical now... and it's seems kind of typical for man to think of sex with other women, especially when things are not great at home... But... His FB search shows that he checks her profile out regularly and I also saw some downloaded pics of her in his phone. Most just normal ones but one or two quite seductive selfies, tops with cleavage, shorts, with legs and heels exposed. Not really sure what he saw in her as she is quite average.
She is older than me and I think less attractive but he clearly fancies her.
I just don't know what to do and think. We looked at houses together recently and I am also thinking I don't have that much time left for trying for a child but clearly it is all too messy now to even consider getting pregnant.
Is there any chance from here for me and DP? Should I confront him about it all?

Daisy it might help to realise that while you're in a relationship with this man you're not going to meet a man you can be really happy with. He's filling that space.

This is not a happy or fulfilling relationship. You'd be foolish to marry or have kids with this man. Love is real. This is more like a dependence.

I have no real life support

You have no real life support to stay with him. That's very different to having no real,life support. Your purposefully not telling your friend because she'd tell you what we are.

That's not no real life support. It's simply no real life support to stay.

And your friend is supporting you if she's telling you what she is and would try to get you to dump him.

That is the best support you can get.

Tell your friend.

Be best friends with him instead of sexual romantic life partners. You are sexual, no sign of romance, different life values.

Don't ask if his head has been turned. He won't answer honestly. That would be stupid.

It's obvious he knows what you know, the relationship is not a keeper. He tried to get back with the women he saw during your break. He regrets leaving her. Let him go easily. No need for massive drama, just we're better as friends than lovers.

Then you get on with meeting a wide range of people, expand your friendship group, hell even get him to introduce you to people he thinks you might like.

You can have a great future but not by flogging a dead donkey.

You are not sexual.

When you meet a man you are actually compatible with, rather than you've found a man who is decent not a thundercunt, then you might find your sex drive magically goes up several notches.

Sounds like you’d be settling if you go any further with him.

Defo don’t bring a child or mix finances with him in terms of a house.

The only way you can get back to the "happy" time in the earlier days is if you can invent & build a time machine & spend the rest of your life dialling back & repeatedly reliving those.
Those days won't come back, he is what he is now as you are too. You don't sound suited, happy or likely to have a future together - certainly not a happy one.
The best & kindest for all concerned is to end it now with no big dramatics & start looking to your own future.

He will string you along, as your 35 now no offence you need to get a wiggle on if you want kids (with the right bloke!). Once hes strung you along he will dump you for this woman,or worse, leave you with a small baby alone

dump - he isnt right for you

I'm going to chime in, hope you don't mind. You're hurting because of what you've seen. You love him and he has betrayed you. You're in the denial stages and do not want to accept that at 35, when you felt you were ready to settle you havr to end it. You seem like you had a future planned and it's no longer the case because he is nit the person you thought he was. You're blaming yourself, saying you're the selfish one? I think that's what you wrote. Why? He was kind to you and loved you too, he has crossed the line flirting with another woman so will pursue as he gets the green light, like someone said. Just because he's cared for you doesnt mean he will never cheat on you. Clearly shows he has.

You have a few options if you are still reluctant to let go

1. Tell him you read all this and ask him where you stand as a couple. If he is cheating and has any balls he will be able to say the truth and call it a day.

1. He accepts what has done and genuinely doesnt cheat again, and you can start a future together (I highly doubt this).

1. He finds out you went through his phone and leaves you because he has lost trust, probably a blessing in disguise because he probably wanted a way out and will go to his lady with the good tits, who will reject him. If so he will co.e back to you, and which point you will lock the door and cut and his calls.

1. Don't even give him the chance to explain and end it with him. Let him know he is a cheating d**k and cut him off. End it on your terms...or if he ends it, you will find it more difficult.

He could be flirting with this girl to see if she accepts and he can call it a day with you, until then he doesn't want to call it a day with you and be alone. So you're the back up!

Please don't be the backup. One sign of a cheater and he should about of your door.

Wishing you some peace and hoping you find a solution. You must be hurting and I wish your heart finds peace.

Call it a day.
The fact you've posted on here means you know deep down its not right.
It will be hard, as you still love him, but worth it.

You don't think he'd cheat? Yet he clearly already is. You are being very naive to think he wouldn't put his dick in her, I'm sure he'd of jumped at the chance if she was half interested, but she wasn't. He chose her over you and only didn't go through with it because she's not interested in a cheating sleazebag.

Also he's spending his toilet time wanking to her selfies he's pinched from her profile.

What exactly is it you love and trust about him? He has zero respect for you because clearly your bar is set to ground level.

I don't think you should be excusing his behaviour simply because he's a man. That's really not a very high standard to hold him to. He behaves like a teenager. If a man ever messaged me anything about my "tits" I'd laugh in his face and then block him. It's far too cringey and objectifying. The fact that he's turning to another woman when he should be turning to you I think tells you all you need to know. Cut your losses. He isn't worth your time or energy.

"I know him so well and know he would never cheat" NOBODY knows for certain that another person will NEVER cheat, a lot of people don't even know THEY will NEVER cheat, I've yet to meet anyone who can honestly say they have NEVER at the very least come close over the age of 35.

"We were so happy first 3 or 4 years though and we love each other. Maybe we just need to compromise better." That's you starting to fall for the sunk costs fallacy - also if you were REALLY happy then you wouldn't have split the first time.

He is investing emotional energy in another woman he is attracted to even IF he isn't actually doing anything physically, energy he SHOULD be investing in your relationship.

"When we were on off for a while, I was in touch with one of my old flames, too. And I knew I just needed a friend and yes, an ego boost, so I don't 100% see him talking to her as being disloyal." That just shows YOU aren't fully committed to him either to be perfectly honest.

"I am sure he would not cheat as we discussed cheating many times and he has strict beliefs about it."

My ex husband was exactly the same - guess why we're divorced? He was highly critical of others infidelity (which was all around him as he was in the army) he is introverted, even shy in a crowd... Didn't stop him knocking up a mutual friend and colleague. It was SO out of character his family were genuinely concerned he might be ill!

Frankly at your age such naïveté is embarrassing.

Children of cheaters are more likely to cheat themselves too - not just my opinion several pieces of research back it up.

"he only does it as we have issues..." Those issues alone are reason enough to end this

"Having fun together, we do try" at this point in a relationship, when you have few real stressors, are when it really should be easy

"Money is a problem, too" you resent his spending, he resents that he's given up a well paid job to suit you.

Top 3 causes of marital/ltr disputes?

1 money
2 chores
3 infidelity

You've already got 2 ticked!

"And yes I want kids and marriage eventually but I am not desperate for it." You're 35, realistically you REALLY don't actually have a lot of time to mess about on the baby side of things! Myself and others that say so are often flamed for saying it but the reality is fertility declines, risk of mc, other pregnancy complications and having a disabled child all increase as you age. If he strings you along until you're 39 (which is 4 short years) and then dumps you for her or someone else because HE realises this relationship isn't ideal you're pretty much screwed! Unless you opt to go it alone with donor sperm (which is by no means guaranteed to work either) you're looking at

another 6 months to a year dating trying to find someone half decent (which is bloody hard as the good ones tend to be taken and the shit ones are all that's left!)

At least 1-2 years building the new relationship, hoping it works out

Another year or more ttc...

By which time you're 43 and your chances of motherhood are pretty minimal (however much this site tends to skew in favour of older mothers the reality is it's much harder to achieve motherhood after 35 let alone 40!!)

You're flogging a horse that's not only dead it's supplying the glue factory!

So here is an update. Came back home yesterday, he was meant to be away all day with his brother biking. He was home, welcomed me in a sweet way😑, cups of tea, dinner and said we got to talk. I said I needed rest first but eventually we did talk.
He started by saying he loves me but he feels like we are walking in circles. He asked me if I feel happy because he thinks we are both unhappy atm.
Apparently I am:
-not appreciating what he did and does for me on daily basis and
-negative and moody
-dismissive of his interests

• he thinks we need couples counselling to go through, he will find it hard to go, he still thinks we should
• he loves me and doesn't want to split
• he would want the things to be between us as good as when we started

I asked him if he dated other women or ever thinks about anyone else. He admitted there was someone he liked but it was more filling the void, fighting with loneliness and sex. I asked if she was a rebound or fuck buddy and he said kind of, more a friend with benefits. I asked if he ever considered a future with her and he said for a brief moment but then I realised I am missing you and love you. I asked if he knows what is up with her and he said they send merry xmas and birthday messages or 'have a bit of banter' sometimes but that's all. I digged deeper and kept asking why is he even in touch with any woman at all and his answer was that there is nothing wrong with having female friends, he is not calling anyone or meeting anyone as he is with me and also she is a 'good woman' and would not mess with anyone attached I asked him if he had feelings for her and he said not really, no. I asked if he fancies her and he laughed and said she is 'all right'. So yeah...

Sounds like he's been very honest.
Relationships take work.
It's not all hearts and flowers all the time.
Once the honeymoon period wares off you have to put the effort in.
Both sides.
If you love each other and are prepared to put the work in this could be an absolute amazing relationship but like all relationships it takes effort.

asked him if he had feelings for her and he said not really, no. I asked if he fancies her and he laughed and said she is 'all right'

Translation:

Do you have feelings for her: The answer: 'not really' is hardly convincing!
Do fancy her: 'She is alright' = Yes I do

This is over op.

I am sorry but you should not need couples counselling, you have not even properly started out yet with marriage, children and life challenges. The things that really do push a relationship to its limits at times.

Take control, and call it a day. Your relationship is on life support anyway, and how is this ever going to work long term?

Robin I could not disagree more, this is NEVER going to be an amazing relationship. It is riddled with dishonesty, a lack of trust, third people,indifference, a lack of intimacy and genuine feeling, and most of all love. This relationship will end be it now or in ten years time breaking the hearts of any young children.

So we need to talk turned into all the thibgs you are doing wrong???

Stop wasting time here

What do you think op?
Do you think you love him enough to put the effort in?
Only you know if he's worth it?
Relationship don't grow on there own.
The only great relationship I've had/have is the one where we both put in the effort.

It's over. Stop all this 'but I really love you, and can't imagine being without you' stuff - I can't imagine being without this itchy rash on my leg, but hopefully one day it will go.

You just need to stop this. It's never going to work, you are too different. Whoever saw/texted/slept with someone when you were 'on a break' is irrelevant.

It's almost as if you both want this to be some 'grand passion' - two people, divided by love, unable to be together yet unable to be apart. While really you are just an incompatible couple who haven't seen it yet.

Leave.

I rarely comment on these threads, on this case I just think if things are like this now OP, it's the beginning of the end...

Quit whilst you can.

*but in this case

Sounds like you're best friends. You love each other, don't really have sex and do different stuff at the weekends.

You could still have the same relationship with him without being 'in' a relationship with him!

What Desmondo2016 said x 100

If you amicably break up now then you can stay friends. It sounds like you could be excellent friends to each other.