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Original poster

Messages on DP's phone, do we still have a chance?

206 replies

DaisyD22 · 09/08/2019 13:12

Apologies for a long thread but want to avoid drip-feeding. Me and my DP, both 35, have been together for 6 years, we split before as we didn't get on very well and there were also external factors to do with jobs, family bereavement, money etc. which didn't help.
Mutual decision, we stayed friends as had still lots of respect and love for each other. We lived over 1 year apart, then started to become closer and after almost 2 years since 1st split, we got back together, moved in. We spend lots of time talking and making changes to make sure we don't repeat old mistakes. First months were great, almost felt like being in love for the 1st time again but now, almost another year on, we are struggling. We just seem to be different in many aspects, we argue quite a lot. I am career focused, he is more laid back. I am messy, he is tidy. I earn more than him, he just gets by. Sex is not great, it happens but it seems like a chore at times.
I still love him to bits as he is a good and caring man and I do know he loves me too but we just don't get on on a daily basis.
Recently he went to work and forgot to take his phone, and I did something I have never done before, I checked his FB. There were quite a lot of messages between him and one girl, I figured out it is someone he must have been dating or sleeping with when we were apart. The messages between them were rather friendly then sexual and quite reserved from her side but there was certain level of intimacy, as if they knew each other very well.
DP said in one message that me and him are not getting on :( and we might even split in the future... that was after one of our rows. He also complimented this girl many times and many times mentioned how much fun they had together in the past. He mentioned her 'great tits' once, too. Her response to all that is just laughing and changing subject usually. DP sent her a picture of himself, just a selfie and asked her for pictures, too. She ignored it but eventually sent him a couple of pics, night out ones with friends and one pretty selfie, with 'great tits' visible. DP's response was wow you are looking lovely, great, hot, still beautiful.
The messages went on for a couple of weeks, sometimes there were a couple of days with no contact. Last contact was about 3 weeks ago. Her last message was: I don't think we should talk that much while you are still in a relationship with Daisy, which he responded to: yes, I know, it's great to be back in touch but I do need to focus on trying to fix my relation with Daisy so it is best if we don't talk much right now.
I am really confused and upset by these messages. He clearly fancies her and trusts her enough to say we are struggling. It seems like a huge breach of trust. On the other hand,
I know him so well and know he would never cheat. It is just not in his book. So it is not physical now... and it's seems kind of typical for man to think of sex with other women, especially when things are not great at home... But... His FB search shows that he checks her profile out regularly and I also saw some downloaded pics of her in his phone. Most just normal ones but one or two quite seductive selfies, tops with cleavage, shorts, with legs and heels exposed. Not really sure what he saw in her as she is quite average.
She is older than me and I think less attractive but he clearly fancies her.
I just don't know what to do and think. We looked at houses together recently and I am also thinking I don't have that much time left for trying for a child but clearly it is all too messy now to even consider getting pregnant.
Is there any chance from here for me and DP? Should I confront him about it all?

OP posts:
ElloBrian · 10/08/2019 12:14

He wanted to talk to you about your relationship, he was very honest but said he wanted to try and make it work, and in response you cross examined him about whether he thinks about other women? Sorry OP but that’s not a constructive response from you. If I was advising him I would say ‘it doesn’t sound as though she wants to engage with the question of what it would take to make this relationship work, so I think you need to cut your losses and move on’.

This woman and his contact with her is a secondary issue, not the primary issue. Please don’t mess him around.

MarkRonsonsMother · 10/08/2019 12:14

Leave him to be single, he can tell other women they have great tits, all he wants.

readitandwept · 10/08/2019 12:34

Please don’t mess him around.

You cannot be serious?

Should she just have ignored the fact that he's finding all fault with her, while telling another woman she has great tits and he has problems in his relationship??

He's a total snake

Original poster
DaisyD22 · 10/08/2019 12:43

I did respond to the matters he raised, I asked him this much about other women as obviously it bothers me a lot, after reading the messages.
I am just so confused and after listening to this list of my faults I start feeling more and more guilty that this actually is all my fault and maybe I am somehow pushing him away with the way I am.

He said about me being negative and not supportive, the thing is that I already have heard that. His family doesn't really like me, we are all civil but his sister said a couple of times I am 'high maintenance' or 'drama queen' and his brothers just tolerate me. I had an argument once with his sis, lashing out at me once and askinh 'what else dows he need to do to make you happy' Confused. The thing is, I kind of admire his sister as she is a genuinely nice person, with a lovely family, maybe a a bit blunt but I still sort of admire her... and it makes me think that maybe she has a point.
My parents did well in life and accepted DP the way he is but I know my mum thinks he is not succesful and driven enough. I am worried that maybe I am pushing a decent man away as I am just spoilt.
My siblings, cousins, even younger ones all have their own houses, good cars, nice holidays while he is 35 and hasn't even stepped on a property ladder. On the other hand he is generous and does treat me, us, within his limits. And it shouldn't be all about money or lifestyle.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 10/08/2019 13:42

I give up!! go be a doormat, accept he will play around and you will be childless.

1forAll74 · 10/08/2019 13:57

You don't sound like a 100% match together, but you speak well of your partner regardless of this. The other woman may be interested in him,but obviously she is not going to upset the apple cart yet, and your partner is continuing his fanciful life with the social media stuff. But now that you have snooped around on his phone,the best thing to do, is to have the big talk about everything,and see where you both wan't to go with it all.

MsDogLady · 10/08/2019 16:33

But she is not just a casual friend whom he occasionally banters with. He has been chasing her. You saw lots of messages and emotional intimacy. He was confiding in her about you, complimenting her personality and their fun, sexually admiring her body, and sending/asking for/downloading photos.

She sent a cleavage photo and then made it clear that she would not go further “while you are still in a relationship with Daisy.” Now he is listing your faults and putting you on the back foot, while he still downloads photos of the woman he’s been chasing.

You were correct that this was a huge breach of trust. In my world, it was cheating. Stop taking the blame for it. Couples counseling will not work while he is still drooling over this woman.

justasking111 · 10/08/2019 17:05

The other woman is saying dump daisy and you can have me.

TowelNumber42 · 10/08/2019 17:21

Relationships are not about good guys ans bad guys, the virtuous one and the one at fault. Good relationships are about being a good match for each other.

Drop all this stuff about maybe you are to blame or maybe he is to blame and instead recognise that you two just aren't a good match for each other. There doesn't have to be a baddie

MsDogLady · 10/08/2019 18:07

Daisy, his effort this time around has been half-hearted at best. He has not been fully emotionally available. So much of his emotional energy has been channeled to this other woman, and that has put distance between you. Your relationship never had a chance of working because he has not been fully invested. He may talk the talk, but he has clearly been fishing.

yulet · 10/08/2019 18:30

You've both cheated on each other and sound utterly miserable together. Life is too short for this. Confused

Original poster
DaisyD22 · 10/08/2019 19:02

In what way I cheated on him?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/08/2019 20:17

I don't think he's a bad person. You're just not working our as a couple.

He was honest in your conversation.

You've been honest. Said he was supportive when you needed him... you've admitted here what you did when you split up.

It's just not meant to be. Added to that his family don't like you... it's just too much hard work.

But this...

Money is a problem, too. I am earn double what he does and while I am saving up for the house, he spends it all

I couldn't respect a man like this tbh. What happens if you have a baby...and he's spending like this?

The lack of ambition is okay for some people, but it's not what you like...I wouldn't either.

I'd feel like he was a liability.

Don't split up hating each other.

TatianaLarina · 11/08/2019 08:33

Individually you’re both nice people it sounds like but you’re not making each other happy. Even your SIL can see that.

It just means you’re not right for one another.

If you carry on like this you will end up hating each other and he will end up having a full blown affair.

Original poster
DaisyD22 · 23/09/2019 17:31

An update, if you remember my thread.
For a couple of weeks there was nothing fishy on his phone and I stopped checking.
We went on holiday, it was ok, we had a couple of arguments but nothing major.
I checked his phone again yesterday and discovered lots of new messages dated about 2 weeks ago when he was away on a stag weekend. Lots of explicit ones:(
Basically, he told this woman that sometimes he cannot stop thinking about great sex they had, kept calling her hot and sexy and admitted he was masturbating to her pictures. She clearly likes the attention, she wasn't hugely encouraging him but also kept responding and sent him a couple of saucy pictures, no nudes though.
'DP' said he is unhappy and questioning if he ever wants to be in a relationship again, he said to her that he still loves me (??) but we just don't work well as a couple.
I think this is the end, isn't it?
A part of me desperately hopes he just wants sex from her, as ours hasn't been the greatest recently and if he still says, even to her he loves me, then we might still have a chance. But I know I am just being stupid, he keeps coming back to this certain woman for a reason...

OP posts:
Bbang · 24/09/2019 00:49

Dump him. This untrustworthy nasty little man is clearly on his way or already having an emotional affair with this woman. He thinks nothing of shutting all over you and your trust, he is a piece of shit. Don’t waste any more time on him. And she can fuck off as well responding and encouraging when she knows he is in a relationship, neither of them have any respect for you leave them too it the pair of plums.

MsDogLady · 24/09/2019 05:36

Daisy, what are your dealbreakers? This is not a “good and caring man.” He is a liar and a cheat who is abusing your trust.

He is cheating with the explicit sexting and is emotionally betraying you by discussing your relationship with OW. He sounds obsessed with her. A “bit of banter” indeed.

He is sabotaging your relationship. Why on earth are you tolerating his utter disrespect? Get angry and show him the door.

CrystalShark · 24/09/2019 06:01

It should be the end. Scrape your self respect up off the floor!

wardrobe12 · 24/09/2019 06:09

this is the end, isn't it?

No doubt unequivocally yes

If you stay with him now you will have no self respect and no self love to move forward with

Stop making excuses

Leave

Fonduefrolics · 24/09/2019 06:09

@DaisyD22 yes, it’s the end. He can’t even be bothered to hide the evidence, despite knowing you’ve looked at his phone recently. He doesn’t care anymore. Let him and happy tits to it, you are worth more than this x

Robin2323 · 24/09/2019 06:11

She's is his back up plan' that's all. She easy and available.

He seems to lack the ability to make it work with you

Maybe it's just too difficult for him.

Personally I'd stop pussy footing about.

Tell him you know about his messages and tell him he's either in or out.

He's just cake eating at the moment.

Glitterfisher · 24/09/2019 07:58

Wow, you will really allow him to do anything wont you?! If you stay with him he will know full well he can do anything as long as he tells you it's only sex and he loves you then you will stay will him.

In most peoples relationships this would he be the end. He really doesn't give a shit about you.

Sadiesnakes · 24/09/2019 08:06

Ah here, c'mon daisy, why is your bar so bloody low? You have reply after reply telling you like it is, and that he IS a lying, cheating scumbag.
What is wrong with you?
Seriously now, let him go woman...

ShatnersWig · 24/09/2019 08:07

Are you for real Daisy? Are you a doormat, deluded, have no self respect or a masochist?

I'm sorry if that sounds rude but this is beyond ridiculous now. You're not taking on any advice that has been given. Everyone has told you how dead in the water this is for weeks and yet here you are again, as if all us internet strangers will suddenly turn round and validate your frankly bizarre behaviour to stay with this man and tell you it's all OK and you're right to stay with him despite all this shit.

No one is going to do that. You're desperately wanting us all to tell you what you want to hear but it's not going to happen. You have wasted years on this man and are likely as not going to continue ignoring us and carrying on and be back here every now and again with the same story.

Please break the cycle now. Grow a backbone and put an end to this. situation (I refuse to call it a relationship). Walk away and never, ever look back.

pollypocket952 · 24/09/2019 08:38

OP....

Maybe we just need to compromise better.

You are clinging onto threads of your relationship here.
You tried the first time, it didn't work, you've gone back again & it still isn't great, he now has a plan B & he has clearly emotionally invested in this woman already. She may not be as attractive as you but attraction forms in mysterious ways I'm afraid.
Cut your losses & stop 'trying' to make it work with this man. A truly compatible couple really shouldn't be this hard work.

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