Messages on DP's phone, do we still have a chance?

[DaisyD22]

Apologies for a long thread but want to avoid drip-feeding. Me and my DP, both 35, have been together for 6 years, we split before as we didn't get on very well and there were also external factors to do with jobs, family bereavement, money etc. which didn't help.
Mutual decision, we stayed friends as had still lots of respect and love for each other. We lived over 1 year apart, then started to become closer and after almost 2 years since 1st split, we got back together, moved in. We spend lots of time talking and making changes to make sure we don't repeat old mistakes. First months were great, almost felt like being in love for the 1st time again but now, almost another year on, we are struggling. We just seem to be different in many aspects, we argue quite a lot. I am career focused, he is more laid back. I am messy, he is tidy. I earn more than him, he just gets by. Sex is not great, it happens but it seems like a chore at times.
I still love him to bits as he is a good and caring man and I do know he loves me too but we just don't get on on a daily basis.
Recently he went to work and forgot to take his phone, and I did something I have never done before, I checked his FB. There were quite a lot of messages between him and one girl, I figured out it is someone he must have been dating or sleeping with when we were apart. The messages between them were rather friendly then sexual and quite reserved from her side but there was certain level of intimacy, as if they knew each other very well.
DP said in one message that me and him are not getting on :( and we might even split in the future... that was after one of our rows. He also complimented this girl many times and many times mentioned how much fun they had together in the past. He mentioned her 'great tits' once, too. Her response to all that is just laughing and changing subject usually. DP sent her a picture of himself, just a selfie and asked her for pictures, too. She ignored it but eventually sent him a couple of pics, night out ones with friends and one pretty selfie, with 'great tits' visible. DP's response was wow you are looking lovely, great, hot, still beautiful.
The messages went on for a couple of weeks, sometimes there were a couple of days with no contact. Last contact was about 3 weeks ago. Her last message was: I don't think we should talk that much while you are still in a relationship with Daisy, which he responded to: yes, I know, it's great to be back in touch but I do need to focus on trying to fix my relation with Daisy so it is best if we don't talk much right now.
I am really confused and upset by these messages. He clearly fancies her and trusts her enough to say we are struggling. It seems like a huge breach of trust. On the other hand,
I know him so well and know he would never cheat. It is just not in his book. So it is not physical now... and it's seems kind of typical for man to think of sex with other women, especially when things are not great at home... But... His FB search shows that he checks her profile out regularly and I also saw some downloaded pics of her in his phone. Most just normal ones but one or two quite seductive selfies, tops with cleavage, shorts, with legs and heels exposed. Not really sure what he saw in her as she is quite average.
She is older than me and I think less attractive but he clearly fancies her.
I just don't know what to do and think. We looked at houses together recently and I am also thinking I don't have that much time left for trying for a child but clearly it is all too messy now to even consider getting pregnant.
Is there any chance from here for me and DP? Should I confront him about it all?

He's not a bad man.... but he is meant to be in a relationship with you and not telling other women they have great tits which is about the most pathetic and insulting compliment a man can give a woman.
He IS cheating. It's emotional infidelity.At the very least.
Kick him out.

My husband would be the last person anyone would think would cheat. But he did. For a year and a half, living two lives. 20 years together. Don’t be me.

You are a pair of comfy trainers, he is window shopping for a pair of uber trendy ones, the only stopping him is the other woman who sounds like she is the only one putting a brake on things.

So he made his choice of prioritising us now

I would add "So he made his choice of prioritising us FOR now"

He is testing the waters with her and is showing an interest. Your gut is telling you. Listen to it. Work on your self esteem, exercise, hobbies. Build a life more than around him. Don’t walk on egg shells and dont do the pick me dance.

By the sounds of it you have really tried and problems are going to keep arising. Even if it's best case scenario and he's not going to ever meet her you can't have a relationship with someone who thinks it's ok to contact another woman for attention/an ego boost/flirty messages/ an escape every time you two are not getting on.

Also what if this woman asked him to meet up? Do you really think he could resist? A guy like him who turns to another woman when the going gets tough is the very first person who will cheat if it's offered. Even if it's not her it could be someone else in the future.

Daisy don't be a doormat .
He isn't the one for you.
End it and move on .

I speak as someone who wasted so much time over the wrong guy .

This relationship isn't making you happy. At this stage, with no responsibilities, you should be full of the joys of Spring This all sounds like far too much work and now - on a thread you started for advice - you're busy minimising and making excuses.

I'd end it and find someone with whom I was more compatible.

Sorry Daisy but I don't share your optimism that he is not the cheating type. when I read your OP and description of the messages it seems very clear to be he was doing all the usual things to try and persuade her into an intimate liaison. The sexual compliments and shedding doubt on how solid his relationship with you is had a very clear purpose. If she hadn't diplomatically fended him off I have little doubt he'd have been right in there.

The good points you describe about him are really nothing special, except perhaps to people who have had the misfortune of some really shit partners. You really just describe the points I would expect as standard in any averagely decent human being.

I'm struggling to understand why you've even bothered to post. Every single person who has replied to you has told you this relationship is done, yet you come back with excuse after excuse. Trying to get through to you is like slamming your face into a wall. It's time to leave him, again.

I've always dreamt of a man who will pay for everything and tell another woman she has great tits

Sounds like a keeper, to me.

Not really sure what he saw in her as she is quite average. Let's never forget the Michael Hutchence Principle. Beautiful people get cheated on with less beautiful people all the time.

BUT...he didn't make the decision to prioritise you! SHE did, and he tried to align himself with her values, make himself look like a slightly better guy, and said that he needed to prioritising you.

As for He clearly fancies her and trusts her enough to say we are struggling ....
He may trust her, or maybe not. That is a classic move. He's minimising his relationship with you while testing the waters with her. Possibly even fishing for sympathy, which is disgusting in those circumstances.

And finally..... yes, he made some big gestures financially, and job wise and he was supportive. That makes him human. It doesn't mean that he is LOYAL to YOU. Cuz clearly, he isn't.
Do those things really give him so much grace that he can tell a woman she has greats tits, and pester her for pictures?

Where is your line in the sand?
Sounds like maybe you need to work that out, and then have a discussion with him.

I agree with IamtheOA. He’s not prioritising you, she’s the one who found a reason to get rid of him, he didn’t end the contact. I would bet the only reason he hasn’t physically cheated on you is because she hasn’t given him the green light as well, if she messaged him inviting him over I’m sure he’d have to ‘work late’.

You deserve better.

Op 🤦‍♀️
I have been with dh for twenty mutually faithful years. I trust him 100%. If he ever said another woman had ‘great tits’, especially on a one to one private message, it would be a deal breaker for me. As others have said, you need to raise your bar. This is not OK behaviour.

You're not enough for him. Which isn't your fault by any means - you will likely mean the world to someone else one day - but it is true.

Once I am back home, sober and with my head sorted, I will ask him. About his true feelings, plans and doubts about us. And ask if his head has ever been turned, so he has a chance to come clean.
Don't flame me for this but in the past, about 3 years ago when we were close to the first breakup but stil living together, I did all this texting with an ex, as mentioned. I even sent him a bra and thong picture and told him he was a good lover. The thing is, I just felt so vulnerable and wanted to be liked, desired, adimired... but I didn't love that guy, I loved my DP. I am quite into fitness but stopped working out then and it just felt great to hear that I still had amazing legs or shape. Maybe that is why I am trying to excuse DP, cos I know how I had felt then, wanting an ego boost.

I am sure he would not cheat as we discussed cheating many times and he has strict beliefs about it.

Yeah, I knew someone with 'strict beliefs' too. Unfortunately those beliefs only applied to his partner, not to him.

I think it's ok to look at the reasons why he is doing it, and to put yourself in his shoes. Things like this are not always black and white, the person who does it isn't necessarily an evil awful person like many would make out. You don't need to end it with arguments over who did what wrong. It doesn't need to be someones fault.

BUT it seems like so much hassle through your relationship, so many problems...that haven't sorted themselves out despite a years break! You should have came back together stronger after that year apart and this kind of thing shouldn't happen. If you were right for each other you would have came back stronger. Neither of you would look for attention, validation or flattery elsewhere. The year apart should have shown you what you meant to each other and made you feel like you never wanted to split up or risk splitting up again.

How do you switch off love though? Because I do still love him. I cannot picture myself with anyone else. My divorced friend told me it's not love but almost an addiction, feeling of potentially lost investment, comfort, being used to him, all sorts but no love.
I haven't even told her about the messages as she would try to convince me to dump him instantly. I have no real life support.

You don’t need to switch off love, you need to switch on self-respect. Love isn’t enough to make a relationship work.

Talk to your friend, if she’s would tell you to dump him over these messages, she is your real life support.

Ditch him and move on Daisy. Do you want kids? You don't with this guy!

Also, there are not many men who seem like cheats. People hide it well, some people (maybe most) don't know they had it in them until they've done it. Please don't be naive - I mean this kindly - but no one can be trusted 100% and he's given you reason to not trust him.

You can't 'switch off' love any more than an addict can 'switch off' their addiction. You acknowledge the feeling then you take steps to deal with it. An addict starts by not being around their substance of choice. You start by telling him that the two of you need a break.

Then just take it one day at a time.

You can't just switch it off, you have to decide to let it go by cutting contact and moving on with your life KNOWING that there is a better relationship ahead for you with someone else.

Your friend is right, it's very common in relationships, the 'sunk cost fallacy', continuing on with something because of all of the previous time and effort you put into it, you don't want to see it go to waste.