Husbands affair

[dancemusicsexromance]

Posted last week about my husband admitting an affair, he says it wasn't sexual but I refused to hear anymore.
Betrayal is betrayal in my eyes.
It's only been a week but I think I'm having some form of breakdown.

He said he has feelings for her and those words have been on a loop for a week in my head.

I can't sleep, haven't eaten can't concentrate.

He's gone completely AWOL also, left his car, phone and clothes and just left.

He's been abusive both physically and mentally in the past and my gut was telling me for years he would hurt me again.

I must be absolute shit and totally worthless if he can do this.

He was meeting her during work time, catching up on his work in the evening and I was feeling desperately sorry for him as he was so stressed.
Me and the kids would go over and above trying to make his home life easy because we were so worried, he's been having panic attacks recently and I rushed him to the hospital 3 weeks ago as he couldn't breathe.

He went to the dr last month for anxiety and depression and he's suffered erectile disfunction for a couple of months (guilt?)

He also told me numerous times the last few months that he would never have an affair, he loved me and would always be there for me.
(Justification for an emotional affair)

I've spent a week in shock, I'm not jealous or have the need to know any details, think that's the shock but I really don't care.
I can't barely stand up because when I do I feel dizzy. I can't function. I have no one in real life who can support me.

I need to be practical I have 2 kids.

I want to cry until I fall asleep but I can't even cry.

I feel like someone has taken my life away. Someone has stolen my future.

I'm frightened, utterly terrified and I don't know how to even attempt to get through this.

I would like to fall asleep and never wake up.

I never ever ever thought he could do this.
This has been such a bad couple of years for me. This feels like the
Final nail in the coffin.

This morning i was changing my
Underwear and my daughter walked in to my bedroom, she's 22 and she said "turn and look in the mirror at yourself" she said your pants are horrible and covered in bleach and are 5 years old. She said it's because I look after everyone else and don't take any care in myself.

Is this why he's cheated?
I hate myself.
I don't know what to do.

I'm going to use this thread as my diary. If I survive I'm going to read this in one years time and hopefully look back and thing who was that weak person.

I loved him so much.

Sorry for my ramble.

Great update OP! X

So glad you're doing ok. xxxxx

Great update 💐

Hugs to you, OP. You did well x

OP I've just read your whole thread. Well done. You've done an amazing job after being abused by a horrible man. Your future is bright.

Well done OP . I said in my first post to you that I could see your determination and here you are ! Good on you !!!

So, I have made the decision to sell the house: I need a fresh start, I want to free up some cash and focus on healing.
I have a friend who has some houses so we will be ok and I can pay off all debts also "save" a lump sum for the future - not a lot but enough to just get me back on my feet when I'm feeling ok. This alone will make my mind more at peace.

I think making the decision to sell just sent me spiralling back. I remembered bringing my son home from the hospital, and a million other happy days here. I also remember the hideous, violent pain that's happened here.
It was like someone had taken a lid of the last 10 months and my head just was desperate for some "normality" even if it was bad normality.
I don't even know if this makes sense but that's how i felt.

So I phoned him, we spoke for hours - I now see that he was acting and I was screaming internally for some support and I must have been feeding his ego during that call.
I'm ashamed.
But I begged him for just 6 months to financially help me to allow me to keep my house just so me and his kids don't have another upheaval so soon. My daughter is under the crisis team and her BPD is worse than it's ever been.
He said no, he didn't just actually say no he said "he doesn't care he can't understand my pain as he doesn't feel empathy"
"He's never loved us, he never will", he's been going to therapy through his work and he told me (I don't know if he's been told or if he came to the decision) that he's a sociopath and a narcissist and he proudly listed the reasons why this was concluded. I can't forget the almost bragging way he told me. That will haunt me.
He said he knows he needs to be on his own for ever as he doesn't deserve love and he can't run the risk of hurting anyone else.

That's it really - I spent 3 days crying for myself, the fact that I've had to face so much last year and it's not over yet.
And I asked for 6 months for him to help me financially to get my kids, myself and my life on an even keel and he was almost gleeful when he said no. I put the phone down and he text me and said xxx I just can't I'm sorry xxx
I know what he's doing. He's now a victim and wants to be commended for removing himself from society and keeping people safe - he's left his kids and refused to help because he's not good for them.
He also spoke to my daughter whilst I was having my 3 days upset as he was "worried" about me - no he wasn't he was trying to use my daughter - she told me he was sobbing on the phone, big racking sobs - not about his kids/wife/financial mess but about climate change - she said it was the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to her.
He's never given climate change a thought.
He's mirrored my interests whilst with me and now he's a copy of the couple he's still living with. - he has no personality whatsoever.
This is his stage and I keep giving him a starring role and I need to stop this.

So after my 3 days crying I felt better - it was although There was a huge shift happening in my head from all the grief to acceptance and I was subconsciously trying to prevent it (fear of the unknown)
I've accepted it now. I'm looking forward not back.
But it was the most painful few weeks I've had since he left and I don't know why. I don't want him back, I wouldn't care if he dropped off the end of the earth but internally I was screaming and I would have been prepared just to stop time for a while because I've been so exhausted.

I have a busy week planned, I've got 6 viewings booked, I'm playing golf (first time) on Saturday and I'm going to the cinema and doing a car boot Sunday.
So onwards me and my kids march with good friends and each other.
I pity my ex - I pity the monster he has to live with until the end of his days

OP don't be ashamed. You are moving forward and things will get better.

I haven't posted for a long time and sadly things are not as magical as I thought they would be.
Ex has still not had contact, I've contacted him a couple of times but he's responded with "stop messaging me" and he blocked me and the kids a few months ago.
So not further on with settlement or the house.
I don't have his address.

I logged into his credit report a while back has he's had payday loans spanning back years.
I have no idea why.
He had removed himself from the electoral roll 5 years ago - I have no idea why.

He phoned me yesterday from a phone number I didn't recognise and he asked if I have started divorce proceedings yet.
I haven't. He told me I had turned his kids against him, he told me I was "swanning" around in a car that he had paid for and I was evil. Difficult to live with and he had wanted out for over 10 years. I put the phone down. I couldn't hear to listen to him being a poor victim. I asked him to get well because he's acting like a stranger and he just replied that he would "never be well"

So a bit in limbo now and I need to actually do something tangible to get myself out of this mess.

My son was in hospital last week, he's not doing well. He was suicidal for a long time.

I don't miss him, but the feelings of shock and disbelief haven't really subsided. The triggers and the memories can be debilitating sometimes. I was watching a documentary last night and a partner had strangled his wife, I had flashbacks and nightmares all night. It was awful.

But sometimes in my dreams he's kind to me and I'm worried that I've thrown my marriage away when he's so obviously ill. (I know that sounds stupid, he really did a number on me I think"

I'm starting my divorce the best I can in the new year.
I had put my house on the market but I think that wouldn't be a good thing to do in the current climate and my kids need some stability.

Don't really know why I'm posting other than part from the relief that I don't have to worry about him hurting me anymore I just feel so damaged. I've started wondering if it was really me.
I've written a letter to him to never send - where I admitted I had been a bit controlling with finances etc but that was always because he wasn't to be trusted.
I sorted out some paperwork this morning as I'm looking for a part time job for Xmas and needed ID and saw his DBS paperwork. 12 counts of ABH, GBH and battery against me - it just broke my heart that he could do this to someone who ever knowingly hurt him.

How can I still feel so ill, I feel like I'm looking in on the world but I'm not really part of it.

You're doing brilliantly.

Keep going OP. You will have bad days/weeks/months even, but they will pass. I have been in your shoes and it’s a long hard slog but you will get there. You seem like an absolutely amazing mother and such a strong person. I can honestly say taking that first step to divorce my ex husband was the first time I had felt strong and in control of things in about 3 years. Please try to start the ball rolling with this in the new year. Your ex husband sounds like a monster, and an unhinged one at that. You are stronger than you think xx

I read " physically and emotionally abusive" , that alone is enough , what a thoroughly unlikable picture you paint of this man.
Seize your chance and look to a future free of him , sounds like your kids will probably benefit too.
Your old pants sum up what you have become because of him , i despair for all women stuck in similar circumstances.
You sound like you have been repeatedly pushed down the list of priorities in this relationship , its your time now to make a new happy life for yourself and kids and not get dragged down any more by this waste of space who is certainly not worthy of you .

Just read up date- keep going , you sound like you have made some really positive moves , you should be very proud of what you have achieved so far .

Hello op, pleased to meet you

I think your an extraordinarily brave woman and you have come so far, abuse does not leave when the abuser leaves.

The mental scars run deep and take a long long time to overcome.

You had the misfortune to come across this very disturbed human being when you were young and I am sorry that happened to you.

There are some very worrying elements you speak of that indicate he has absolutely no concience.
You are right to assume this man is still playing you in every way, to still manipulate the appearance to others.
It doesn't surprise me in the least your family love him, they don't know him.

You don't know him..... when he says you know 'the tip of the iceburg' believe him !

You must detatch, not only for yourself but your children, he sounds dangerous and highly volotile.
Everything you expect a normal human to feel does not apply to this man, no spoken word will penetrate his understanding, he does not understand human emotion.

The times in your marriage that you thought were loving were an act , he was mirroring you.

You know deep down nothing would surprise you about this man, if some awful atrocity was uncovered would you be shocked?

This must seem very melodramatic to some readers but until you have had the misfortune to be involved with such a person, its impossible to understand how evil can exist. It does, and you have survived all these years through utter strength by adapting to this envoiroment, it could have gone very differently with a different type of woman.

You must change your mindset from wondering why it didn't work.
Nothing would have made it work, he's too damaged.

Be thankful that you have been spared, you may still feel devastated but be under no illusion if he stayed things would have got worse, I really feel you could have died.

I also know some of the abuse you tell us of is the tip of the iceburg.
This is an evil man.

It WAS the tip of the iceberg. i feel like I can pass out when I think of just what I didn't know.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed.

Affairs - i don't even know how many he had.
I know about a few but my mind rationalised it,
Eg. We wasn't married
Or I had told him I wanted to leave him.

The time we went on holiday just him & I am he disappeared for over 30 hours and he was very subdued and drunk when he came back.
I ended up not angry with him but terribly sorry for him.
He was always a victim so I imagined him (as he said) sitting on his own sipping beer and contemplating his life.

Then every time I found something out I flipped into "let me help you"
Let me change something to make your life easier.
Honestly, this is what I did because if I said for example ok - I will change my hours at work so I can have Fridays off to clean the house that will allow you to relax at the weekend.
Then on reflection I felt like I was in control this way.

I get he's a dangerous man but I almost look unhinged compared to him, I'm still having weeks where I can barely speak to another human being, I've had to change my job so I don't work with so many people as I just can't speak very much.
I've drank too much, I've cried more tears than I thought possible to cry.

He's quiet, and calm and working from home so doesn't have to see many people and in each short conversation I have had with him his voice has been so calm it's unrecognisable.
He's never asked about the kids, he's never contacted them apart from one card each over a year ago. He's got a new circle of friends, he's just changed his life - his new friends are trying to help this sad, weak man because he's still a victim.

I don't love him. I'm just totally and utterly mad with myself that I was this stupid for this long and that I'm still struggling with so much and he's walked away without a thought.

He broke me and I would have said 2 years ago I was the last person you could betray because I was too smart.

He had second phones, second social media accounts, was taking out loans. He was on some strange forums which is where he met people, he entered a relationship and although she was married he was happy living with them both for a year, when I checked his credit report not only were there pay day loans but over a dozen betting site soft searches so he's obviously got many many destructive bad habits that he has never allowed me to know.

It's made me double check everything anyone says to me,

I feel stronger.
I will divorce him.
I've got agency (on going work) in a warehouse which for the time being is probably the best work I can do, it's exhausting so I'm tired when I get home, I can't drink when working the next day and I don't really have to spend the day speaking to anyone. So at the moment it suits my circumstances and has many benefits.

It's made me exhaust myself to keep my house tidy because the irrational part of me thinks that maybe that's why he left, I make Mrs Hinch look sloppy (lighthearted), I have many outfits in my wardrobe that I don't wear (to keep for best), I panic if I run out of things so I have endless supplies of cleaning products, I save pennies in a box and hide them. Very OCD like behaviours.

Anyway I've removed my social media accounts, I've ended a toxic friendship of 29 years (she was pleasant enough) but was having an affair and the secret life she was living just triggered me so much. I've thrown away alcohol and downloaded some self help books.
I've committed my poor dog for lovely walks twice a day regardless what is going on in my life and I've promised to make my son a roast dinner each Sunday (his favourite meal)

I know I will be ok, I just feel very, very raw currently.

I can't thank people enough for replying. I can't talk on this level to anyone.

I don't want to worry you, but if he's depressed and gone missing, whilst leaving his keys, car and phone at home, I'd be concerned for his wellbeing!

Eek. Sorry about my last message. Just seen this is an old post!

I understand.

You didn't know anything only what he allowed you to know and believe.
I should imagine he made the outside world look like you were the powerful one and he was the victim, you probably even believed this yourself.

This is high level control very pre meditated.
Actions made years ago to be pulled upon years later by him at his convinience. Lies that never made any sense, did to him.

You were his victim.
He knew this all along.

He twisted everything, and you will find your mind will go over many situations that upon refection were not real.

Was anything real?

He always had separate lives I believe and he could had exited at any time with them.

What was the situation with the married couple? was he manipulating that situation as well, not many married men would allow that.
Did he have many friends?
Was he liked by others, could he control others in non threatening ways.

In regards to you health, the OCD makes sense, a way of having some control of something, try not to tire youself out too much, you have been through hell.

Be kind to yourself, this has been horrific abuse.

Have you done much reading into what type of man he is ?
This could help you come to terms with understanding that nothing could have been done any differently by you, you were being fed a false reality from day one.

He used you, and you are no longer any use, discarded, he thinks no more of people than he does material objects.

He can't actually love and doesn't know what it means.
To expect feelings from him is pointless.
You should not feel anything for him, don't waste your energy.

PM me if you need to talk.
You have escaped a monster.

Thank you for your reply. @Onthedunes

I only know a snippet of his life I'm sure,

He was a quiet, shy lonely kid. (We met at school) not particularly popular.

He had very little experience with women from leaving school, apart from an 18 month affair with his brothers wife - I was always his friend even if we didn't see each other every couple of months he would tell me he has been thinking of me non stop and it was like fate that I had reached out because he was thinking about me all the time.

Yes, I've been reading up an awful lot.
I think he has NPD - when he first left and he came back (to get his car and his phone) he said he he had NPD and was a sociopath. I thought at the time it was a strange thing to say - I had thought (and still think sometimes) that is was a breakdown and with help he could recover if only for him to be a dad to his kids.
This whole thing utterly, utterly chilling.

I don't know much about the couple.
They are an awful lot younger than him (18 years younger) i don't know how they met but they are in an open marriage. I have looked them up on Facebook, the woman is very into the environment. Plastic waste and animal rights (hence so is my ex now) and they don't work (not that that matters) but it appears to me that the couple have found a project and they to, thought they were helping my ex probably from his crazy, mentally ill wife and his bullish, stubborn kids. My ex is now a vegan, he's playing records (vinyl) Totally and utterly revisiting his youth

Yes I was always the more "powerful" one. Everyone said I was so lucky to have someone as placid as him, who adored his family as much as he did. - EVERYONE said this.
He would tell me every day I was more attractive, kinder, more insightful, had more about me, was more popular - But in my head the other things didn't make sense so I questioned myself. I can't explain it, it was horrible. He never acted like he meant those words.

Consistently it was only my kids when they reached 16 that never felt the love and adoration that others did. They didn't like him.

The day before he left I had asked the kids to be so kind to their dad as his mental health was suffering. He held my sons hands and cried and said he was so anxious and depressed he didn't know what to do, he called me his soul mate repeatedly the last few hours - it was surreal looking back and it was only when my daughter came back from work she was quiet and asked to see her dads phone. He confidently handed it over (as he had a second phone) but the locations were obviously stored in his first phone and that's how he was caught.
From that second where he walked out there has not in 18 months been a glimpse of the nice man we knew.

Oh, and in answer to your question re friends, no, none, the few he had at the beginning don't speak to him, he doesn't have any friends or family that speak to him, they may say hello if they seen him, he had another few friends about 18 years ago but they stopped speaking to him a long time ago. I'm on speaking terms with them all although I don't have much to do with them as it's too painful.

Yes he has always been a victim. It was quite clever,
when he left my mum said many things about why he could have left and one of them was I asked him to clean out the litter tray, or I shouldn't have worked full time so I could be there for him.
people thought he was a humble, quiet, kind man with a series of mental health and depression.
I don't think it's the future that's frightening me, what will be will be regarding that and I'm at peace in the now so that doesn't frighten me.
It's the flash backs and the "oh yeah" moments that send me cold at night time.
I actually shiver with fear.

I used to ask if he liked men sexually.
I told him our whole relationship that there was stuff I didn't know. I sensed this. I originally thought some kind of sexual abuse, but now I realise when I used to ask him he would be non committal and allow me to think there was some horrible part of his life he couldn't talk about.

If there was a crime committed or a hit and run I would check where he was at that time
But that was absolutely ridiculous and I hated myself for even having those fleeting thoughts. So then I would try harder to make up for me having those horrible thoughts.

I sound pretty stupid reading all of this back.

Is he still living with the couple?

Doe's he currently work and does's he have many work aquaintences from over the years?

Have you youself seeked profesional help for tying to untangle your thoughts about your life with him?

@Onthedunes
I don't know if he lives with them.
I know they moved from their rented house - whether or not he went with them I have no idea. He's still in the area very close to where he lived with them so I would say so.

Yes he works - he's been working from home this year but prior to that he's only ever mentioned a couple of work colleagues over the years - he's mentioned stuff that has happened in the day during work time but never any friends, never hobbies - looking back I thought it was strange but.........
He was an introvert
He was shy
He had a young family
He was so involved with his home life.
I always made excuses.

His jobs usually last 4 or 5 years - I've pushed him to better himself and extend his training which has led to better jobs. (Not great jobs by any stretch but 50k or so and everyone in his position usually is at least degree educated. Whereas he's got not qualifications from school or university)

I worked horrible shifts, cleaning or delivering leaflets or care work so he could land great qualifications and chances of better and better jobs.

There are a million red flags looking back but every single one of them I dismissed.
I needed a few close friends in my life, his family were not very nice that's why he didn't speak to them.
My friends were social so we always had them (as couples)! He could socialise with.

Never, not once did I ever think he was either clever enough or had the inclination to reach out to other people without my knowledge. I would have been thrilled if he had his own friends but he was always so apt with my friends and family and they loved him. They thought I was the lucky one.

I don't think I will ever understand.
Even in the couple of times I've spoke to him he just said "you didn't know me" or "I've been a cunt this whole marriage" or "I've always been mentally ill"
I woke up last night and was shivering with how close to being killed I was when he was violent, and why after all the violence did I end up comforting him?

I've thought in my weeks of not drinking my usual 2 large glasses a night that maybe it was me with the problem but other than utterly want the best for my family I really don't think it was. I never took anything for granted with my children or family. Never. I felt blessed.

Thank you for replying

No, I attended counselling a few years ago and was questioned whether I thought he was abusive, I said I thought he was damaged.

Tbh I know I need something, I'm stuck with PTSD, flash backs. Nothing to look forward to.
My dr has prescribed me antidepressants, I spoke to IAPT but because I was suicidal and have a history of self harm thru thought I was too high risk.

Shouldn't normal people be able to cope with some deaths and their husband leaving and their children suffering degrees of mental health problems then I'm even more useless than I feel now.

I get he was unworthy of us, I do. I get he's not capable of feeling love.
I just find it so hard to correlate that with my old life.
I was so certain he would at least try and see his son and daughter, but he's told me they don't want to see him (in his head) and it's probably because I have turned them against him. So I'm the bad person.

But I really don't think I am.

Your still allowing him to be the victim.
Still trying to understand him and excuse him from adult behavior.

He sounds childlike and doesn't take any responsibility for his actions, almost as if people are battling to save him.

I don't buy that myself, I think he he has been quite a bit cleverer than you give him credit for.

He is not your responsibility now, let this rediculous couple take him and 'save' him

I do feel there is so much you need to talk about but I would consider asking the Gp if you could be refered to a pychiatrist who could give you more qualified advice.
There would be a long wait but I'd push for that.

You seem to be in a loop as to whether you were the abuser or the victim, until you see that you are not an abuser you won't be able to move forward, I maybe wrong, but I don't think he is giving a seconds thought to his past life but he knows that your thoughts of him are still consuming you.

I agree with the PP that said until you proceed with the divorce you will still feel in in no mans land, but I do think once you file his seemingly childish nature will be quashed and show his controlling aggresive side.

Be wary, contact Womens Aid, ask them the best way to proceed carefully with your divorce.

@Onthedunes
I think this is probably exactly right.
If he is the victim then I can change and then in turn change the outcome.

I've always been like this, if I take blame then I am in control. (It makes sense in my head)

I will speak to my GP. I'm stuck, I've tried to do this on my own and all I've done is existed, I haven't lived, probably for decades.

I think you are right and he doesn't give us a thought. When I've mentioned our kids to him it's almost like I'm bothering him. He's not interested. He told my son 6 months ago that he will message him every day, he didn't message once!!!

Thank you for your help.

He left about 20 years ago, when I moved on or at least accepted he wasn't coming back he flipped within minutes and he almost stalked me to try and get me back, he was on my doorstop crying, he was writing me letters every day, he would send flowers to my job - I took him back. I married him and became pregnant within 5 months.
I thought as long as I could keep saving this man he would spend his time trying to improve.
I was thinking with my own mind - that's not the case.
I'm not the abuser. But I think I was a victim because I was so gullible and stupid. I need some help to make sure this never happens again.

I was dx with PTSD and depression in 2014 and I need some help to break this debilitating self talk.

Dear @dancemusicsexromance-ive read the first page and your recent updates. I just wanted to add my voice to others: this isn’t you or even about you-your former partner really has done a number on you, hasn’t he? I know it’s hard to see that and when one does see it it’s hard to believe, and easy to keep on blaming yourself for not seeing before. But this really is about him not you.

Please see your GP again, please get some counselling. What do you have to lose, and you might gain some support and later some strength to help you understand that you are a good person who always tried your best. You recognise you have PTSD and it’s ok to ask for help to deal with that. Take care.

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied.
I've read and reread your words.

It really really helps - it stops my feelings being so internalised.