Husbands affair

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Posted last week about my husband admitting an affair, he says it wasn't sexual but I refused to hear anymore.
Betrayal is betrayal in my eyes.
It's only been a week but I think I'm having some form of breakdown.

He said he has feelings for her and those words have been on a loop for a week in my head.

I can't sleep, haven't eaten can't concentrate.

He's gone completely AWOL also, left his car, phone and clothes and just left.

He's been abusive both physically and mentally in the past and my gut was telling me for years he would hurt me again.

I must be absolute shit and totally worthless if he can do this.

He was meeting her during work time, catching up on his work in the evening and I was feeling desperately sorry for him as he was so stressed.
Me and the kids would go over and above trying to make his home life easy because we were so worried, he's been having panic attacks recently and I rushed him to the hospital 3 weeks ago as he couldn't breathe.

He went to the dr last month for anxiety and depression and he's suffered erectile disfunction for a couple of months (guilt?)

He also told me numerous times the last few months that he would never have an affair, he loved me and would always be there for me.
(Justification for an emotional affair)

I've spent a week in shock, I'm not jealous or have the need to know any details, think that's the shock but I really don't care.
I can't barely stand up because when I do I feel dizzy. I can't function. I have no one in real life who can support me.

I need to be practical I have 2 kids.

I want to cry until I fall asleep but I can't even cry.

I feel like someone has taken my life away. Someone has stolen my future.

I'm frightened, utterly terrified and I don't know how to even attempt to get through this.

I would like to fall asleep and never wake up.

I never ever ever thought he could do this.
This has been such a bad couple of years for me. This feels like the
Final nail in the coffin.

This morning i was changing my
Underwear and my daughter walked in to my bedroom, she's 22 and she said "turn and look in the mirror at yourself" she said your pants are horrible and covered in bleach and are 5 years old. She said it's because I look after everyone else and don't take any care in myself.

Is this why he's cheated?
I hate myself.
I don't know what to do.

I'm going to use this thread as my diary. If I survive I'm going to read this in one years time and hopefully look back and thing who was that weak person.

I loved him so much.

Sorry for my ramble.

What an arse he is. He has finally done you a favour by removing himself from your life though (it will be a long time before you feel this though). His cheating has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you or the age of your pants (although you do deserve nice new pants). My ex did the same thing - panic attacks and even an overdose which turned out to all be about his affair. He had me so downtrodden that I couldn't imagine life without him and was totally destroyed when he left. Now, years down the line, I am with the most fantastic man whose reaction to me not having nice pants would be to take me out shopping and buy me some, not get involved with another woman. It took a long time to get here and I nearly sabotaged the relationship many times in the early days in panic.

Please try and go to the Dr and try and get a little to eat and drink. And congratulate yourself on having raised such lovely children. They love you and still need you around.

I agree with PP (and your DD) - you are worth more than a dickhead ex and bleached pants.

Find something every day that makes you happy, whether it's a bubble bath or buying new pants or even farting in your living room (My DD's dad could fart as much as he liked but it was "vile" and "disgusting" if I did it so that was a weird celebration one day when he left).

Feel free to speak on here any time of day or night about anything; your ex, your children, your thoughts on mushy peas if necessary. Just let it all out and value yourself above others

I didn’t want to read and run, if you can get to the GP please do and perhaps they can give you something just for a night or two to get some rest and sleep, to give your mind and body some rest. Keep posting here, there are people with a wealth of experience who can and will support you and do care. Xx

This time next year you'll read this and be amazed at the strength you've found and how much happier you are.

I know it hurts now. You are not to blame for this. You sound like a loving, caring wife and he has completely taken advantage of you. You need to realise that you deserve so much better and that you're better off without him.

Do you work? Do you own your house? Can you speak to someone about the legal side of things?

I don't want him back -- ever!
I'm in shock how my husband could do this to us.

Yes his running away is manipulating. He does this and 4 years ago he hurt me beyond belief and he ran away. Then the police were at my door as he was staying with his mum and he was "missing"
He lived in his car for 5 days, he maintained that was because he was sad but I completely agree he was trying to whip up some emotion in me to make me react.

I think everything is just hitting me atm, the realisation that yes, as a PP said if he was a decent man he would have marched me out to buy new pants, he would not have hurt me, hit me, lied to me cheated on me, and withdrawn,

It's just shock! I want to die but I will not be entertaining a life with him again.

The pain is disbelief that I accepted so much and justified it ALL! I am feeling 24 years of chronic abuse all at ones and it feels overwhelming. Whilst giving 100% to him. Its like I've found out he is a liar and a cheat but I feel almost as dishonest for trying to rationalise his actions. I'm shaking my head with what he has put me through and it's all hurting again.
I feel as dishonest as him!
I've lied to myself!

This is your turning point.

You have been held back by a physical & mental abuser, who has lied & cheated through his "partnership" with you.

You've FINALLY seen that you cannot stay with him. Your DC knew you could do better (which says a huge amount as children usually have unwavering loyalty to parents).

Please listen to them and yourself and move on.

This is a great day, you should be celebrating, you're getting that areshole out of your life for good.

Think of the bright future you can now have without him hurting you.

My son used to joke and say please mum tell me dad is not my real dad. I actually thought it was a joke because he's over weight, barely 5'7" missing teeth, extremely thick glasses bald, has no friends. But the kids both said to me that they don't trust him and they get no warmth from him.

They have never been close to him.

A couple of years ago my daughter called the police on him for ripping off a door and throwing it at her.
Nothing happened they calmed down (I wasn't in at the time) and it was decided the door was falling off and he tried to close it and due to her tendency to over react she saw something that wasn't there.
I may not have been there but my son told me yesterday he saw it and it was as my daughter said! So everything he's ever done is hitting me like some awful realisation. I feel guilt and incredible anger at how weak I've been.

If my son was afraid that means he's damaged. My daughters condition was blamed and her truth was quashed. She will be damaged by having such a weak mum.

I thought manipulators were only if you are rich and successful, we are neither, but he has been a master manipulator. But for what? We loved him! He had us.

He's battered me 100's of times and I've allowed it
Yet when my daughters ex kicked her I had the police out and she left him.
I tried to convince myself I had a zero tolerance on violence but my husband was different because he didn't mean it.
He had depression - His abuse has been quiet and concealed with cuddles and words and him doing his share of housework.

I've taught my daughter to drive, been the go to for my friends and family if anything needed organising, kept a nice house, worked shitty part time jobs so he could work the job he wanted. was my dads carer before he died, my daughter has ASD and BPD and my son has ASD! I've made sure they have achieved exams, driving licences, travel I've learned as much as I can about my kids conditions,I'm a doer.
But I can't do this. I feel beaten down. I would prefer another kick in. That pain was tangible and at least after that he would look after me for a while.
I think the realisation that I hate myself as much as him for my weakness is the hardest thing to take.

And I can't go to my doctors, I'm already on antidepressants after my sons friend was killed and my dad died.
I'm too embarrassed that I'm still not coping

I feel for you.
But you have children to look after.
I have heard this story over and over again.
I don't get why people break their marriage vows so easily.
It will never be the same.
Please look after yourself,you are worth it
He on the other hand is not.

You should definitely not be embarrassed.

Anyone can see how strong you've been up until now. You've held it together for your family and have been an amazing mum. Now it's time for you to look after yourself. If that starts with a trip to the gp to say you need some more help then think about how strong you are knowing that you've got the courage to ask for help. Nobody will think that's weak or something to be ashamed of.

Oh ok this is awful for you.

I was married to a man like your husband for 12 years, together for 15. He battered me, spat in my face headbutted me, burnt my stomach with an iron because I had 3 children and hot no stretch marks, how crazy is that! Broke my ribs I could go on.
You're not to blame for any of his actions he is who he is. Right now you're terrified but if you think about it what does he actually do that you can't do without him.

I'm five years on and life is wonderful. I have the most amazing boyfriend and we are getting married.

There is a wonderful life waiting for you just hold on.

Honestly this is the saddest thread I've read in s long time and I have years in my eyes reading it. Sending you love and hugs op xxxxx

Bless you this is so awful to read. You've been holding the family together and doing your upmost for your children you should be so proud. Please be kind to yourself right now, you've put up with so much from this vile man! Take tiny steps each day to happiness, god knows you deserve it. Hugs xx

KUGA I have looked after my children, ive been to work every day, I've cleaned the house I just can't Sleep/eat/function my kids don't know any of this. I have 6 days off now and I think i just emotionally collapsed.
It's all imploded. Today is particularly bad.

Go back to your GP. You've had a substantial increase in the stressors in your life & are suffering badly because of it. Your GP may increase your dosage and/or arrange other treatments.
You've been dealt blow after blow recently & it's all a staggering amount to have to cope with. You're doing really well so far but don't be afraid to ask for more help. Ring the surgery & ask for an emergency appointment while you're off work.
Best wishes

You really shouldn’t feel bad that you aren’t coping.
You’ve had more and more put on you and have clearly been doing well in trying circumstances, there is more help that your GP will be able to help you to access.

I'm just heartbroken, it was his total and utter callousness as soon as it came out he knew he had to leave. (Or he wanted to) that isn't like him at all.

I can barely move today but my kids are not here so I don't feel guilty.

I know it doesn't matter but I want him to be miserable.

My family are treating this like a blip!
My sister has just asked me if I've managed to get hold of him yet.

I'm not contacting him other than the one email re the car/phone

So he's been gone for 6 days no clothes/transport/phone. He's trying to worry me and his kids. He couldn't be crueler if he tried.

And my son has been so lovely. I know he's upset but he just says it's because he knows I'm hurting.

My daughter got him a little ad hoc job where she works and he's recently received his first wage.

The door knocked before they left for work and it was a parcel for him, he opened it and he had, had a lovely photo of the three of us put into a small canvas.

We were due away in 6 days so his summer holiday is ruined.

Why would DS's summer holiday be ruined? Were you counting on ex for transport? Start researching alternative travel arrangements if you were.

Your ex sounds very dangerous and I strongly suggest you change your locks. Perhaps this is something your son can help with. If you buy new locks at B&q and do it yourself it will cost about £40 plus extra keys, whereas if you get a locksmith you'll be looking at upwards of £200. I've changed mine when I had my bag stolen with documents in that had the keys and my address. Took less than half an hour.

I can sense you have internalised a lot of his verbal abuse to you. You're embarrassed, can't ask for help, don't have close friends, family unsupportive. Let me guess, he's frequently told you that nobody likes you, if they knew the real you they'd laugh or cut you off. You're lucky to have him cos nobody else would put up with you. Usual abusers script.

I also suggest strongly that you book onto the Freedom Programme by Women's Aid.

You can do this op. Go easy on the negative self talk and instead focus on your strengths. You've survived decades with an abuser and raised 2 children, both of whom sound lovely and wise. You'll get through this and will maintain a loving relationship with your dc whereas he will die alone.

I'm going to Morocco (or was)
It was just my ex, son and me.
I don't feel well enough to navigate there, I don't want to leave my daughter and I could do with saving the spending money as have no clue what his next move will be. Some form of breakdown is his usual way to get sympathy.

Yes he did say things like that but it was sandwiched between other words so he made it sound true. I can't explain that very well. Every time he has horrifically hurt me his mental health suffers, so we've been in the cycle on blaming that.
It's not though is it?

I haven't slept for 3 days, I feel wired, my head is thinking, I can't even concentrate on the TV.

He had an affair when I was pregnant with my daughter - he took me to his works party when she was there, I was nervous anyway, new mum, leaky boobs,but proud of my family - I had to sit at a table with her and was upset when I got home as I was oblivious to what was going on and asked him why the blonde girl was so mean to me? I had almost blocked that out.

I've tried to forget or tried to block things out and it's like the flood gates have opened, probably needs to all come out but it's so painful. I thought as long as I loved him completely he would love me back.

It's surreal atm, not what he's done but how inside my head is like a movie.
I have the strangest feeling that although I'm on my knees now, as soon as what ever happens financially is sorted then I will be ok.
I think this waking up is almost spiritual, that sounds silly but I had taken each hurt & put it in a box. Then the next hurt in a separate box. The pain is overwhelming and I know I will be in pain for years.

Sorry I meant to say all the boxes are jumping open at the same time.

My goodness OP, reading this is heartbreaking for you. Please take each minute at a time. When this happened to me on the 4th day of not eating I went to the shops to get drinking yoghurt as that was the only thing I could keep down. It gave me the sugar boost to help my brain work. Please try and eat something and get to the docs for some sleeping tablets just to get your brain less wired. Your whole body and mind is in shock. I believe you will need help with therapy as you have been subject to awful abuse for so many years. Please take others advise and get help as soon as possible. Keep posting.

I will keep posting and I want to be like the other amazing posters that have come out the other end.

I haven't got out of bed today but I've made a list of immediate phone calls etc I need to do.
A list of things to do before we sell the house (if I have to)
A list of things to do if I'm allowed to say here.
I've ordered a dress, which is utterly beautiful and I'm hanging it where I can see it and I've promised myself I will wear it when I feel over this and made it through to the other side.
I'm making a housework rota with the kids and I'm sure I will have other howling days but this one has taken me off my feet.

If he was happily going off into the sunset with OW he would not have been awol for this long, he would have wanted his car also, not sure about his phone as my gut is telling me he has a work phone he's never told me about. He would have wanted his new normal as quickly as possible so I am thinking this is the calm before the storm and he will have a breakdown. Where I will be expected to jump into care mode. I am going to maintain a dignified silence as much as I can. I'm not getting tangled up even out of concern.

I've been writing the most horrible text messages to him in my notes then I delete - it helps.

His cheating is nothing to do with how you are. It was his decision alone to stray. The fact that you look after everyone else shows you’re a decent person.

Take time to look after yourself, grieve this relationship, and then to move move forward.

Wishing you all the best.

When I can afford it I'm going to try EMDR - during his breakdown 4 years ago he said he needed help and I paid for that for him but that cane to an abrupt end and I never found out why. She queried his moral compass he said she went on holiday, I think she stopped treating him.
She did say as I was allowed to sit in on the first meeting that I would benefit from it more but we could only afford for one person to go and I thought this would be investing in my future also.

I know I'm not well, I know that 21/2 decades of my body being in a heightened state of anxiety is bad for my health.

Don't be embarrassed to go to the Dr. You have been through so much and sometimes we all need extra help to get through things. Can you stomach some sugary tea or coffee? Or some milk? Anything to get some food down you to help get you on the move again.