Husbands affair

[dancemusicsexromance]

Posted last week about my husband admitting an affair, he says it wasn't sexual but I refused to hear anymore.
Betrayal is betrayal in my eyes.
It's only been a week but I think I'm having some form of breakdown.

He said he has feelings for her and those words have been on a loop for a week in my head.

I can't sleep, haven't eaten can't concentrate.

He's gone completely AWOL also, left his car, phone and clothes and just left.

He's been abusive both physically and mentally in the past and my gut was telling me for years he would hurt me again.

I must be absolute shit and totally worthless if he can do this.

He was meeting her during work time, catching up on his work in the evening and I was feeling desperately sorry for him as he was so stressed.
Me and the kids would go over and above trying to make his home life easy because we were so worried, he's been having panic attacks recently and I rushed him to the hospital 3 weeks ago as he couldn't breathe.

He went to the dr last month for anxiety and depression and he's suffered erectile disfunction for a couple of months (guilt?)

He also told me numerous times the last few months that he would never have an affair, he loved me and would always be there for me.
(Justification for an emotional affair)

I've spent a week in shock, I'm not jealous or have the need to know any details, think that's the shock but I really don't care.
I can't barely stand up because when I do I feel dizzy. I can't function. I have no one in real life who can support me.

I need to be practical I have 2 kids.

I want to cry until I fall asleep but I can't even cry.

I feel like someone has taken my life away. Someone has stolen my future.

I'm frightened, utterly terrified and I don't know how to even attempt to get through this.

I would like to fall asleep and never wake up.

I never ever ever thought he could do this.
This has been such a bad couple of years for me. This feels like the
Final nail in the coffin.

This morning i was changing my
Underwear and my daughter walked in to my bedroom, she's 22 and she said "turn and look in the mirror at yourself" she said your pants are horrible and covered in bleach and are 5 years old. She said it's because I look after everyone else and don't take any care in myself.

Is this why he's cheated?
I hate myself.
I don't know what to do.

I'm going to use this thread as my diary. If I survive I'm going to read this in one years time and hopefully look back and thing who was that weak person.

I loved him so much.

Sorry for my ramble.

Hi OP, just read some of the rest of the thread. So glad if you're feeling a bit better xxx You might find EMDR good for healing trauma from the abuse. I was a complete skeptic but had it for some stuff and the results have been amazing. So glad you're realising what a twat he is. And again, it's not your fault and doesn't reflect on you. Love and hugs xxx

I must be absolute shit and totally worthless if he can do this

Piffle, OP. he must be absolute shit and totally worthless if he can do this. This is no reflection on you, he is an abusive turd of a man - one day you will see this.

I'm sorry you're going through this

Sorry, I didn't RTFT - glad to hear you're already seeing him as he is!

I know it's over, 100000% my eyes have been opened like never before.
It has left me with guilt and shame. It's also made me angry that he's seemingly just turned his back on all his responsibilities.
What person does that? He has said he doesn't even want his post forwarding.

When he told me he's doesn't want to see his kids now, but he's playing the long game with them does he really think he can walk out of months, not ask how they, watch me fear for our home, treat me like he has, not even enquire how they are doing, lie, cheat move into another woman's home and when it suits him his kids will be understanding and waiting for him?
We couldn't go on our summer holiday due to this, we were due to go away in Oct which is now ruined because don't want to take the time off work because it won't be long before he pulls all financial help.

He's disgusting and what is going on in his head I have no idea.

He actually thinks in his head all he's done is move out for his mental health.
Well that's what he's telling people!

I personally think he's a very damaged person and once we had discovered who he really was he knew there was no going back. His mask slipped for the final time. He knew he would not be able to feed me anymore bull shit.
I was no longer going to believe his victim routine, he is a liar a cheat and a failure as a husband and father so he's ran.

he is a liar and a cheat and a failure as a husband and father

Yes OP, you are seeing him clearly now you're away from his cycle of abuse. You have done so well, and will keep getting even stronger the further away from his lies you get.

Please make sure you have changed the locks, redirected his mail to his new address (so he can no longer claim he lives with you) and removed his possessions from you home. His new situation will break down, and he mustn't be allowed to sneak back in like a cockroach

He's a pathetic excuse for a human being, depression isn't a free card to act like a shitwaffle.

I have just read your whole thread OP, you are going to have a wonderful future. don't look back with regret just look forward, with a resolution to enjoy life.
Good Luck

The replies I have received have helped me more than I can tell you. Thank you.

Just sitting on my bed (it's my day off) drinking coffee my daughter has made, my son has come and sat next to me and the cat has even paid us a visit, we are chatting about the week as due to different shifts we haven't really seen each other.
I feel peaceful in the moment.
There's a lovely bunch of flowers from a friend on the window sill, Im going out tomorrow night to see another friend and my life couldn't be more different from how I thought it would be.

I'm changing the locks on the back doors this weekend, the front door is a Rock door so I don't know how easy it will be, he threw his key at me when he left (along with his phone) so I know he doesn't have a front door key.

I do have very bad days and last night sobbed for 2 hours as I just seemed to remember everything he had done and how blinded I was and how I compartmentalised his abuse. The pain seems as real as when the actual events actually happened.

He ran a football team for teenagers and the team hadn't won a game in nearly two years, my son played for the team and one game my son hadn't been chosen to play (which was fine) but as it became apparent that this game could result in a win he subbed the players to make sure every player had a part in the winning game - all except my (his) son.
At the time I tried to tell my son that it wasn't the end of the world and life isn't all easy but he was broken hearted and when the team was celebrating my son felt left out as he wasn't part of something they had worked towards as a team.

I remembered he was out years ago when my kids were small and the phone rang and he had accidentally phoned me,
he was speaking horribly about me. He was calling me boring and how he didn't like me as a person.
I was breast feeding his child at the time and he was off out with our friends in the new outfit and watch I had bought him.
Just imagine what else he said about me when he didn't accidentally phone me.

These friends no longer have anything to do with him.

I know this is a small thing compared to the despicable things he has done but he was a cruel man.

It seems like when my kids were small they were useful to him and he could be the perfect dad so when things went wrong people didn't believe me because he was so kind.
When they got their own personality he turned on them in the sneakiest way.

He hid a pretty horrible porn habit as well
I hate porn and I know I can't stop him using it but lying about it, using it whilst never ever sleeping with me means that it was damaging.
He used to tell me he was curious, impotent, depressed.
This is all bull shit.
He was with holding sex as another hit at my self esteem.
He enjoyed any secret behaviour that hurt me.
My son walked him on him watching porn 3 years ago (on the tv in the living room) and he denied it calling my son a liar. He swore on my kids life my son was lying. He's a low dishonest human being.

The fact that he's had to run away and take residence with this strange set up, have time off work and not function with any responsibility, may make the new people in his life think he's a poor victim but to anyone who knows him is just shows he's a cruel, coward who is running away and I've been the strong one who may have waited too long to leave but I've found some strength from somewhere.

It's been a long time since I updated and not a lot to report.
He still hasn't been in touch other than to say he can't afford to pay me anything and he wants me to sell and give him half the house.
I haven't responded- I've sold stuff and managed to keep things ticking over but I can't do that indefinitely.

My daughter got made redundant without warning as the business folded so she's been two months without money and been training for her new job so I've had to dig deep to facilitate that.
But we've made it. We've not starved and we get paid on Monday and everything is paid.

I had to speak to my sons college to ask if I could pay for his kit monthly as i could not afford it in one swoop.

I've applied for legal aid and put in touch with a solicitor who sent me some forms to send to the police for the proof of DV. I will chase this on Monday. Hopefully this will be ok. There's 9 charges on his record so hopefully this will be enough for Legal Aid.

Still living day by day.
I'm having awful flash backs which won't go away and am starting trauma therapy shortly.
But I'm more contented. No fear of the future. I hate my ex, I absolutely hate him. I can't believe I was so stupid to put up with his half empty abusive attitude for a quarter of a century.

My family still think he's just mis understood and I was difficult which is hard to hear.

My kids are amazing and we are a little team now.

I've been seeing a lot of a friend from years ago - nothing has happened but he blows me away with just how fantastic he is. He's so respectful of his ex wife (who cheated) he says nothing but what a good wife and mother she was until this blip. If nothing else he's made me see what a good father and husband should look like. It's stupid things like we had no running water for 4 weeks due to a really bad leak and I didn't tell him, one day i did and the next day he was at my house sorting it.

I feel so sorry I didn't call time on this years ago.

I don't know what I'm meant to do next.
I know I need legal help now.
I want my ex out of my life. I want to make a fresh start.

I'm amazed at the flash backs it's frightening.
I found an email I sent my ex the other day and I was begging him to be kind to me - I referred to him cutting my legs with a blade and then ignoring me and o was apologetic to him because I'm "hard to get along with"

I had forgotten that. How do you black out so much horrific stuff?

On the plus side - I've lost nearly 3 stone, I laugh properly now, I have reconnected with so many friends and each weekend whether I'm seeing my old friend or staying in on my own or seeing other friends I just look forward to my days.

There's no fear anymore what ever the future holds. It feels like I've won the lottery some days.

Wow - what an update OP.
Just look how far you have come.
Of course you still have down days. That's only natural.
I still do, years later and I didn't suffer the abuse you did.
PTSD is a horrible thing but hopefully your trauma therapy will help with that.

Your kids sound amazing.
Does your Ex work?
If so then put in a claim with CMS and get the ball rolling on that.
It's not going to be for long, but your DS is 16 and he needs to help support him until he's 18.
He can't just not be able to afford to pay you anything
He has responsibilities.
I hope legal aid can help you soon but for now - radio silence on money matters other than him paying his share towards his DS.

You have good friends. You are keeping busy.
You are enjoying life more than you ever thought you would.
Who would have though that could happen after your first few posts!?
So so proud of you OP.
Well done - you are a true example of a strong woman who has taken back control of her life!
Keep going and keep strong.
You got this!

Yes he works - a good job.
He afforded to have 12 weeks off when he walked out on his family.

I have never taken a day off!

I can separate the trauma from my real life. It isn't my new life.

I checked the calculators for help financially and he should be paying £500 ish a month until he's 18.
That would help.

I don't miss him I think I was slowly detaching for years - it's the self talk I need to regulate. I had justified his behaviour for years and that's a hard habit to break.

But I'm gonna be ok.

I remember reading your post when I was on holiday and you were so distressed. You sound like you’ve come miles. You are such a brave and inspirational person. I hope it continues to be onwards and upwards for you 💐

CMS can also back date so definitely put in your claim.
Don't warn him of it in case he tries to hide anything.
You THINK you can separate the trauma.
But it can come along and bite you on the arse when you least expect it so you are doing the right thing in tackling it.
Talk to yourself in the mirror.
All motivating and self-promoting stuff about you.
Do it every day and it will start to sink in!

OP you have been to hell and finally coming out the other side and your stbexh can see how well you've managed without him, so decides to throw you the spanner he wants half the house and can't afford CMS?!
As long as your DS is in education stbexh is liable until DS is 20 NOT 18.
You ARE strong enough to take this scumbag on OP, you and your DCs deserve every happiness without him

Just an update - for me really.
I'm halfway into my first year of my new life and tbh the fact he's left doesn't really leave me for a second.
My kids have been up and down and over Christmas they've really felt it. He sent them a card with £50 in each but didn't phone them or message them.

I've asked my sons college to arrange some support for him, he's struggling and he's very angry for a multitude of reasons but I need to put him before anything else at this point.
I've also made an appointment at the doctors for him. I'm not sure what they can do but the police were called as someone called them when he was having a melt down and smashing his bedroom up. The police were fantastic, they spoke to us all, they've offered help they have been in touch with the crisis team - my daughter has BPD and our GP won't give her any medication so had referred her to adult mental health but after the incident with the police they spoke to adult mental health and the following morning adult mental health had knocked my door and are supporting her.

I know we've all been struggling - almost treading water and nothing has really moved forward.

I spoke to my ex - I don't even know why. He was cold as ice!
He said he's prepared to let me have the house - he doesn't want the hassle he just wants his new life.

One thing he did say that was almost amusing was he said he didn't feel me and the kids loved him. I said all the reasons why I felt he should know we adored him, I said we even had a group WhatsApp - me and the kids - and we used to plan surprises for him etc!
He went absolutely mad! I was keeping the group a secret, I shouldn't have done that! Funny! His unfaithfulness, his secret porn habits, his chatting to people online was ok yet me telling the kids to be nice to their dad or hide a gift for him as we wanted to surprise him was wrong.

My step dad died the week before Xmas this has single handedly broke me - we've had 3 very close deaths and my ex walking out - that's a lot for anyone to take and we've been trying to continue at work, college etc - it's exhausting and utterly frightening.

We've had a blocked loo over the weekend. I was worried about the costs etc to fix that - some YouTube videos later and a rather disgusting half an hour I fixed it. It made me feel good and in control.

I've joined a gym yesterday - quite a posh one near to my work.
It's part of a hotel and I'm having my induction Wednesday I'm going to use it as my little escape - and treat myself to a coffee etc in their bar/cafe.

I'm determined to not drag this black, black depression into 2020.

My smear test is over due also - I'm tackling that today.

Roll on 2020.

I’ve just read your entire thread and what can I say. You are amazing OP. You can do this

KOKO OP sounds like you are doing brilliantly

Happy New Year, OP, on and up. It astonishes me that you could love this complete sorry excuse for a man, what a piece of shit he is. He’s done a proper number on you.

I hope your mum and sister are being more supportive, I’m appalled that they didn’t drag you away from him when he’s beaten you up and assaulted his own dc.

Happy New Year @dancemusicsexromance . Wishing you a happy new year with smooth(er) sailing. Hugs xxxxx

Well done 💐☕️

Bless you, I wish you well for 2020.

All of this is pretty normal really. You've had your world flipped. It's traumatic. What you thought was real wasn't and your perception of reality has been damaged.

I really recommend these two videos to help you understand what you're experiencing

This is part one and part two is linked to it

Also you can access EMDR on the NHS via IAPT

I read the whole thread and let me tell you I feel you. My ex now, cheated on me while pregnant, abused me and all ended up me calling the police on him. When this happened I had a 11 months old and a 1 month old at home. I noticed how horrible he become to me and all was because of her. People make their choices and he choose her over us. I told him, I hope she was worth it. He lost us, his life is fucked now as he can face jail.
Our life is hard, I have massive financial issues but he paid the rent. I was surprised.
As I didn't have anymore calls from the agency we are renting this property.
Maybe he realised if he doesn't pay we become homeless. The first 3 days I barely slept or eat something.
I lost 10 kg already since giving birth, and within this week since it happened I'm sure another 5 are down. I can fit to my trousers which I couldn't fit on 2 weeks ago.
My self-esteem and confidence was ruined.
But now as I look at myself, I know it wasn't me. It wasn't my fault why he did it.
He did it because he wanted to. He choose her over us. Yesterday was the first time I managed to get out of the house. It took me a week exactly. I put make up on, dressed up nicely and off to went first time alone with my kids. It was hard and scary for me but we managed. You can do it darling, we are strong, and no one will be able to put us down for long. Because our children make us stronger.
I honestly tell you I don't know how I functioned the first few days.
I slept maybe 4 hours altogether and having two small children waking up for feeding, basically I was like a zombie.
Now I'm better still don't sleep enough but I think 5 hours is better than 2.
On the emotional side, I don't know how but I'm blocking my emotions out. I cannot cry, I tried to get it out to feel better simply cannot cry at the moment.
2020 I will make sure our life's be happy and I'm a single mothers of two children under age 1. I can do it. I'm a woman and we are strong.

Just an update - again so I can read back on my one year.

Things are going ok, I’ve given up work for a few months, i needed to concentrate on my family and I made the decision to sell my house - it goes on the market this Friday.
I met with my ex to discuss finances for the first time in nearly 9 months.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sick as the 7 days leading up to our meeting,
I arranged the day/time but I said I would tell him where nearer the time. I messaged him and named a local pub that we used to go to. I’m early for everything, always, but this time I didn’t leave my house until the time I was due to meet him so I was 10 minutes late - this was important to me because I guarantee that he would have put his life on the fact I would be early, maybe even have bought him a drink and would probably beg him to come home.
I saw him as soon as I walked in, I nodded and went and got my drink.
The first thing I said was “let’s make this quick” he said not that quick you’ve bought a drink.
Anyway he was amicable regarding the house, he wants very little just a clean break.
He said that he thought I still had feelings for him and I just shook my head-I felt sad but I think that was just habit. He looked frail and old but I’m sure he thinks he looks fit and healthy. He told me 3 times he’s now a vegan. I ignored any small talk. He didn’t ask about his kids.
We sorted what we needed to get sorted and I stood up leaving half my drink and said “thank you for meeting I will keep you informed re the house” I would put money on the fact he was geared up for a question and answer session of me trying to find out why he left me and treated me as he did. I didn’t give him the satisfaction, I’ve not asked any questions not even the day i found out - I’m not giving him the privilege of off loading to me.
I sat in my car and I was shaking and I did cry a little.
He came out 5 mins after me and he was searching the car park (I was in my sons car that he hasn’t seen so he wouldn’t know) he looked sad although I’m aware that’s his act.
The next morning I felt a bit sorry for him and I messaged him and just reiterated he knew his kids phone numbers please keep communication open and eventually build on something.
No reply, and he hasn’t messaged or phoned them. (I tried)

I don’t feel too bad although it’s my 18 year wedding anniversary today - I’m meeting a man who has been my friend, who’s kind, loyal and prepared to go as slow as I need. I enjoy his company. I don’t feel anything other than I want out of my house and marriage. Me and the kids are fine, I’ve spoken to all my creditors and they are happy to freeze payments/interest until my house is sold, I’m coping really well.
I’ve read about trauma bonding and this rings so true. It’s as if I have weaned myself off the addiction and I feel................nothing.
I do have the odd nightmare so I’m continuing with CBT and my meditation but compared to the woman I was in August whose pain was more than I thought a human being could go through and survive I find myself loving my own space, not afraid to phone people or tackle things, who loves getting ready and going out, I’ve found a strength I didn’t know I had and I like it.
My ex may be happier with his dysfunctional life but that’s not my concern. I want a nice calm quiet honest life I thanked him last Friday and I meant it I thanked him for making me fight these last months because if he hadn’t have left I would have allowed him to destroy me time and time again.

Great update OP. I really wish you well. X