Husbands affair

[dancemusicsexromance]

Posted last week about my husband admitting an affair, he says it wasn't sexual but I refused to hear anymore.
Betrayal is betrayal in my eyes.
It's only been a week but I think I'm having some form of breakdown.

He said he has feelings for her and those words have been on a loop for a week in my head.

I can't sleep, haven't eaten can't concentrate.

He's gone completely AWOL also, left his car, phone and clothes and just left.

He's been abusive both physically and mentally in the past and my gut was telling me for years he would hurt me again.

I must be absolute shit and totally worthless if he can do this.

He was meeting her during work time, catching up on his work in the evening and I was feeling desperately sorry for him as he was so stressed.
Me and the kids would go over and above trying to make his home life easy because we were so worried, he's been having panic attacks recently and I rushed him to the hospital 3 weeks ago as he couldn't breathe.

He went to the dr last month for anxiety and depression and he's suffered erectile disfunction for a couple of months (guilt?)

He also told me numerous times the last few months that he would never have an affair, he loved me and would always be there for me.
(Justification for an emotional affair)

I've spent a week in shock, I'm not jealous or have the need to know any details, think that's the shock but I really don't care.
I can't barely stand up because when I do I feel dizzy. I can't function. I have no one in real life who can support me.

I need to be practical I have 2 kids.

I want to cry until I fall asleep but I can't even cry.

I feel like someone has taken my life away. Someone has stolen my future.

I'm frightened, utterly terrified and I don't know how to even attempt to get through this.

I would like to fall asleep and never wake up.

I never ever ever thought he could do this.
This has been such a bad couple of years for me. This feels like the
Final nail in the coffin.

This morning i was changing my
Underwear and my daughter walked in to my bedroom, she's 22 and she said "turn and look in the mirror at yourself" she said your pants are horrible and covered in bleach and are 5 years old. She said it's because I look after everyone else and don't take any care in myself.

Is this why he's cheated?
I hate myself.
I don't know what to do.

I'm going to use this thread as my diary. If I survive I'm going to read this in one years time and hopefully look back and thing who was that weak person.

I loved him so much.

Sorry for my ramble.

Can you still go away? Maybe a break away from the house is exactly what you need. Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees. You can and will be happy again, I promise you that but for now you just need to get through each day without looking too far down the line.

It's ok to let yourself fall apart a bit here, then pull it all back together. This man will continue to find new and different ways to hurt and betray you. Your children are being amazing because they have learned to be that way from having an amazing mum. Protect and take care of yourself right now, it is a critical time. You'll get thru this and be strong and happy!

It’s not you, it’s him. His inadequacy, his problem, his fault. Not yours. Nothing you did or didn't do.

He’s scum and in a year you’ll realise you were better off without him.

This! @Missbee90
“You also have to believe that this other woman is NOT making him truly happy. There is not a human being in the world who can “make” another person happy. Happiness comes from contentment within them. These men lack that. They are severely damaged and trying to fill a void that no person can do. Their behavior has nothing to do with you or your worth. It’s that simple. They seek others to validate the frailty within them. No one person will ever be enough, and these men will never truly be happy. The hole they are trying to fill will remain and they will repeat these actions over and over again. I promise you.” When my DH (DickHead) had his affair laid out in front of him by me with facts I had gleaned from various sources (he’d been denying it for ages) he said through tears ‘she just makes me happy’. Utter bollocks. Sitting from my rental property with the kids waiting for him to get what he deserves; an empty lonely existence. There is no way his trashy little simpleton can keep him interested. She looks like a rat and has behaved like one too. I worked with both of them and they were stabbing me in the back for months.

I know all everyone is saying is true.
I'm also aware my feelings will fluctuate often.
The pain is out of this world though.
In my head you do all you can to keep your family together.
We were getting on very well, things seemed to be settled and lots of plans for the future.

I don't think for a second this will be the next big love story.

He had seen her up until that point twice.
According to his phone locations.
She is married and poly or in an open relationship and he's staying there with the husband also. It's wrong, it's fake and it's temporary. I am aware of all of that.
I just find myself shaking my head as a few hours before he left we were booking trips and trying on holiday clothes.

I don't think for a second he wanted this to come out. I think he's severely damaged and me and the kids gave him an appearance of "normal"
His seedy contacts and depressions and the way he gravitated to people "who would listen to him" make me feel sick. It's selfish and narcissistic.
He needed to keep his "normal" and his underground behaviour separate.
Now it's out he knows he's blown it with me so he has to make the alternative more attractive.

I don't respect him, I don't want him, I would never trust him.

It's hard to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I have tentatively looked at finances today and I may be ok. I'm not doing anything drastic immediately but the immediate panic that we could be out on the street has died down a little.

I haven't posted for a while, not much to report.
Have not heard from him,
I'm still heartbroken and can barely function.

It's been 26 days and it feels like a life time.

Spent a lot of time reading about runaway husbands and narcissistic husbands and my story is unfortunately not unusual,
I know that his running away is another control tactic and I need to start thinking a bit more clearly. The pain and the way he has just completely shut himself off is too much to cope with,

I've tried to do a little job each day, I've tried to be good to myself but it's so hard.
If he thought I was horrible enough to leave in this mess then what does it say about me? How bad must I be?

Been a while since I updated.
My STBXH hasn't made contact, I managed to get his new number and we've had one phone call in all this time.

He doesn't love me or the kids, he's officially moved in with the woman he had an affair with and her husband. He's changed his address with car insurance/work/doctors and his other bills and I'm just stunned,

He said he's never been happy.

He said he's going to take some time to sort himself out the prove to his kids that he's a great father,
My kids aren't stupid, lying to us then walking out and burying g his head in the sand for over two months isn't being a good father.

I don't understand why 24 hours before he left he told me he was the happiest he had ever been then everything changed,
Now his line is he's never been happy,

I'm doing ok, I don't think I will ever understand what's happened, I will never get over the shock and I will never get over how quickly he turned into an absolute stranger,

Practically - I don't need to make quick decisions, I'm keeping my head above water - but in the time he's gone my son has started college, got his exam results, got his car, my daughter has got a promotion and even when I spoke to my STBXH he didn't even ask how his kids are.
I asked him when I spoke to him on the phone if when no one was at home could he fit the French door handles, the doors haven't been able to lock for months - he said no, I hate DIY.

He's never really cared has he?
We left as soon as there was an easier option to go to and he wants to get as far away from us as he can?

I broke down at work last Thursday. First time really, I got sent home and cried all weekend, I wasn't really sure why I cried but that/cheese sandwiches and sleep for three days seemed to help a bit.

I knew he hurt me before, I knew he's done some awful things but in my head he was ill but loved us - my head has to get used to the fact he treated us disgustingly and his love was just words.

Just read through this... have you been to see the doctor/looked into counselling? I can’t imagine how hard it would feel, especially if you’ve spent so long convincing yourself that his horrible behaviour was acceptable before.. no wonder you’re in a total quandry. Is your eating any better? Small self care steps are really important... can you join a yoga class or an exercise class to help clear your head? Or go for a nice walk with your children? Something tiny, daily. Maybe try a gratitude journal, just something that you are thankful for each day. You will be ok

There's no going back. Trust me. You want to as you feel everything is being taken from you. It's not. It's a really crappy time but you WILL get through. There's is absolutely another life on the other side. x

Oops didn't see update. But I reiterate, you will get through xx

Op I was like you when dh left for an ow in normally a strong tough woman but I was absolutely broken by it. I lost so much weight and couldn't eat or sleep for weeks
It does get better tho with time I promise you.
Things that helped me were a new haircut and clothes (I'd dropped 3 dress sizes) all very superficial but like you I'd not paid any attention to myself for years.
I booked a holiday with just me an d the kids an d this made me feel very independent and proved I could do stuff without him.
I Contacted old or current friends who I'd not seen for a while. We had nights out or sleepovers at each others houses with the kids.
I felt that having little plans for otmes I knew would be hard helped lots.
My trigger points were often early evening and weekends so I'd have a plan even if it was popping into see friend or havjng a coffee in town. At weekends people were often with their dh so I used to look for local fetes or autumn fairs or take dc swimming or skating and then snuggle up with the xfactor or suchlike.
It realy is fake it till you make it in my opinion and it worked for me.
It took about 6 months for me to stop feeling dreadful all the time and gradually I thought about it less and less.
It's been 15 years for me and I can still remember the sheer pain of it all which is why I probably end up posting on threads like this. 😅
Good luck. You can do this.

@walnut87 I think I actually feel a bit better.
I didn't see that happening.
Just little things such as I didn't utter a word at work for 6 weeks other than hello/goodbye. I don't need to talk to clients etc so that was fine. The ladies in the office knew what was happening and they didn't push me.
But I started talking, I actually even laughed the other day and it felt like a big glass of champagne. I felt uplifted.
My house seems calm, and tidy last night me and the kids sat in the living room and watched some TV.
I've reconnected with some old friends.
I'm no where near ok just yet but I can see I will be.

I don't want him, I don't even think I love him and that's a bit hard to get my head around as I had convinced myself I did.
Maybe I didn't love him for a long time.

In his own words "what I know is only the tip of the iceberg" that's frightening stuff but I don't need to know.

When I spoke to him on the phone he said I had been sleeping around for years that's why he's had affairs and battered me. It took me days to get over that as I couldn't believe he actually thought that. No I realise he doesn't think that. It's him justifying his actions. I've never had an affair I've never even so much as locked my phone let alone have secret phones and emails and women (like him)

I think I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I propped him up for so long.

My son said to me last night that never ever ever can he remember his dad suggesting anything. Isn't that strange? My daughter agreed and thinking about it it's true.
He meant
Shall we have beans on toast?
Does anyone want a coffee?
Shall we paint the living room?
Where shall we go on holiday?
Shall we buy a house?
Nothing - he absolutely had no personality and he fed off me and the kids and how we are bubbly and loyal and kind and good.
I can't explain that very well but I'm impulsive and passionate and good! I know that. I have ideas and plans and dreams and he is like an empty void.

I didn't know that 3 months ago.

He's going to be "happy" he's going to turn his back on all of us. That's what he wants - he's doesn't want me and the kids, he's never loved us he has said.

That doesn't matter now, looking back at these posts I wanted him miserable and I wanted him to suffer. I don't think I care anymore.

100 times a day my heart stops that this is my life now and my beliefs have to be completely relearned - I breathe through the "moment" and the pain goes.
Tomorrow it may only be 99 times.

I am eating better, still not great and probably too much wine but soup is a godsend and my daughter cooks a couple of times a week.

My niece gives me a spray tan once a week and I feel better, I'm also trying to go out for a couple of hours once a week - last Thursday when I was sent home from work I cried so much I lost both of my contact lenses.
I'm not crying because I've lost him I was crying because I'm ashamed I allowed him to ruin me for over a quarter of a century and he's just upped and moved and he's playing a victim to all who will listen to him.

It's like I'm getting flash backs if things I had forgotten. Times when my make up would be heavy and I wore dark eyeshadow- to cover black eyes, having a tattoo on my arm to cover scars and burns. How have I forgotten this?

Multiple ABH/GBH/battery on his DBS against me? I had in my life forgotten. It's all coming back and my legs feel they are going to give way.

If I go on holiday I can't wait to get home to my bed and little home, he's just slotted in with someone else's family (inc the husband) and their house parking on their drive. It baffles me.
It actually turns my stomach.

I'm a long way off recovering but I wouldn't turn the clock back to 3 months ago for all the money in the world.

You will get there, you might not believe it, but you will. It sounds like you fully have the support of your kids, cherish that and move forward as the lovely little family unit you have become.
Start to plan something, Christmas perhaps, make it the best one ever. That doesn't have to mean loads of presents, just a lovely family one. Make new memories.
Also have you thought about moving your furniture about ? , to create a new look in our home , a new beginning , maybe new towels, or a set of new bedding. Just something that was never his or used by him.

@VictoriaBun
This is a good idea, atm I'm pleased that I am even replacing light bulbs but new bedding and towels is a good idea.

I've always loved my home and lighting wax melts, making small changes and making it cosy for the winter will be lovely.

He never took any interest in our home whereas I love it. It's the favourite place to be.

We didn't celebrate Xmas at all last year because it was so close to the death of my dad and My sons best friend.
We are going to make some new traditions whilst remembering both of them.

I'm painting the kitchen in October when I'm off work for a week.

I've started allowing my daughters boyfriend to stop over, my ex didn't like it and she had only been seeing him a little while but he's been there for her and she's been my rock and it's lovely hearing them laugh and it's normality.

I just can't shake the feeling of shame. It's debilitating.
I don't even know why.
I think I just feel stupid I was loving him and doing the best for my family and all the time he had a secret life.
I feel like a fool.

He's still of work sick!!!!!
I haven't missed a day!
How is he sick?

I'm so pleased to see your updates OP.
Now you just read back over the thread.
You have come so so far in such a short amount of time.
You sound strong - even if you don't feel it.
You say quite clearly, you are a doer, you have hopes and dreams.
You are doing so much to improve yourself and your life.
Those are huge steps compared to what you wrote only a few weeks ago.
Please do reach out to Womens Aid and get some specialist counselling for dealing with abuse.
Keep going OP.
You have wonderful kids and you absolute will get through this.
You already are!!!!
You sound truly awesome.
Don't let anybody tell you otherwise!

@dancemusicsexromance It does sound like you are slowly getting there and some counselling would definitely help. You have nothing to be ashamed of at all, that's years of him beating you down emotionally as well as physically.

This is the start of your new life and I agree with @VictoriaBun, make this Christmas special for you and the kids. I was feeling like you a year ago and making plans really helped me. I also had counselling.

I've had to chuckle at the fact he has moved in with the OW and her husband...WTF is that all about? What a strange scenario. Believe me, he may be acting the victim, but people will see through this. My ex tried to play the victim and eventually his work colleagues realised he wasn't the golden boy after all.

You sound like a really lovely and deserving of a bright new future. Keep on being that impulsive, passionate and good person. You will get through this xx

Oh and I've just re-read one of your posts about him, the OW and her husband and the possibly 'poly' situation. Believe me it won't last and when it does all fall down, it couldn't happen to a more cowardly person than your ex.

My husband of 35 years hasbeen having an affair with my niece. He says he finished it but my brother says he came round to declare his undying live for her and he sent him away. He was going to throw away not just his marriage but his children an grandchildren as they will never forgive him. I hurt so much my whole life since I was 20 has been about him. I have a 24 Yr old disabled son, a daughter who has a baby boy with chronic lungs because he was born at 27 weeks. My husband says he was caught up in the excitement and never would have left, but I've seen the messages him stating he can't wait to tell her parents so they can be together. How he wants so see her in suspenders. He took her to a work event while we were still together. I hate him, but u can't turn love off after 35 years. My whole adult has obviously been a lie.

OP, it feels truly terrible at the time, but to be honest he sounds somewhat dull and Un engaged and to be honest not very happy— you deserve way more. Probably will all go to shit anyway and he will see what he has lost but the best thing you can do is try and make some fun times and enjoy yourself. Doesn’t exactly sound as if he was good at that either

Thanks for everyone taking the time to reply.
He was no good for me, no good as a father, no good as a husband.
He's forever going to be trying to find his "happy" not realising it comes from within.

He's a joke really, but it doesn't stop me feeling blindsided, frightened and confused.

My life is already calmer, less stressful and more real without him in it.

I think I'm just amazed at the change in him - what man can say he's never loved his kids or his wife that he cuddled 24 hours before he left?

He's a fake example of a man and his living situation is embarrassing.

He didn't value what he had. He didn't treasure our two very beautiful kids and he didn't respect his wife.

I just feel a bit wobbly now because he's putting all the blame onto me, I'm the reason he beat me, I'm the reason he doesn't want to see his kids and I'm the reason he walked out nearly 3 months ago and he hasn't looked back.
Does he really believe that?

Seeing a councillor will help, as will looking after yourself with things like meditation, yoga and eating well. You need to show yourself some forgiveness and tlc

I was in your position las t year, started a thread today but I recall how crap I felt the day I found out. Look after yourself as best you can and start to make plans to stop your mind going places it shouldn’t. Talking to a solicitor made me feel tonnes better too so do it as soon as you feel you can. It will take the time it will take but please just do what you want when you feel ready, nobody else should be making decisions for you, please message anybody on here if you need to talk more privately... I’m sure any of us will there for you

Your ex sounds like a really horrible husband and not much of a father either.

The situation he’s now got himself into is unsustainable. It will all come crashing down around him.

He won’t ever be happy or satisfied op, but you will be one day in the near future, as will your children. It will take some adapting to, but eventually you will feel happy again.

I don’t like to wish I’ll on people, but if your ex ends up old, alone and miserable, it will be of his own making.

Does he really believe that?
Indeed he probably does.
He's telling himself all of this to make YOU the bad guy.
You know it's not you - it's all HIM.
He is trying to justify his vile behaviour and that means blaming you.
Ignore his bullshit.
He's a joke really Focus on this because that is exactly what he is!!

None of this is your fault. You need to see a doctor as you shouldn't be feeling things like 'if I survive.' They can help with that. xx There's no shame in seeking help- it's what you need to do.

Also- ditch the c*nt when you feel able.

Things will get better- hang on in there xxx Hugs x