Husbands affair

[dancemusicsexromance]

Posted last week about my husband admitting an affair, he says it wasn't sexual but I refused to hear anymore.
Betrayal is betrayal in my eyes.
It's only been a week but I think I'm having some form of breakdown.

He said he has feelings for her and those words have been on a loop for a week in my head.

I can't sleep, haven't eaten can't concentrate.

He's gone completely AWOL also, left his car, phone and clothes and just left.

He's been abusive both physically and mentally in the past and my gut was telling me for years he would hurt me again.

I must be absolute shit and totally worthless if he can do this.

He was meeting her during work time, catching up on his work in the evening and I was feeling desperately sorry for him as he was so stressed.
Me and the kids would go over and above trying to make his home life easy because we were so worried, he's been having panic attacks recently and I rushed him to the hospital 3 weeks ago as he couldn't breathe.

He went to the dr last month for anxiety and depression and he's suffered erectile disfunction for a couple of months (guilt?)

He also told me numerous times the last few months that he would never have an affair, he loved me and would always be there for me.
(Justification for an emotional affair)

I've spent a week in shock, I'm not jealous or have the need to know any details, think that's the shock but I really don't care.
I can't barely stand up because when I do I feel dizzy. I can't function. I have no one in real life who can support me.

I need to be practical I have 2 kids.

I want to cry until I fall asleep but I can't even cry.

I feel like someone has taken my life away. Someone has stolen my future.

I'm frightened, utterly terrified and I don't know how to even attempt to get through this.

I would like to fall asleep and never wake up.

I never ever ever thought he could do this.
This has been such a bad couple of years for me. This feels like the
Final nail in the coffin.

This morning i was changing my
Underwear and my daughter walked in to my bedroom, she's 22 and she said "turn and look in the mirror at yourself" she said your pants are horrible and covered in bleach and are 5 years old. She said it's because I look after everyone else and don't take any care in myself.

Is this why he's cheated?
I hate myself.
I don't know what to do.

I'm going to use this thread as my diary. If I survive I'm going to read this in one years time and hopefully look back and thing who was that weak person.

I loved him so much.

Sorry for my ramble.

I've got my first counselling session on the 22nd.
I slept for two hours last night and I'm dressed.
I feel like I'm watching this happen to someone else and I didn't think it was physically possible to cry this much.

I'm so looking forward to the anger stage. This gut wrenching, overwhelming fear is awful.
This feels like a living hell.

Day by day.

I know we keep saying you will get through this and you will. Look at what you have done to sustain your family ! I was on my own when this happened to me ( kids had left home) and I literally sat on the sofa for what feels like weeks. I couldn't eat so had no energy and would fall asleep sitting on the sofa only to wake up again to remembering and all the misery and wanting it to go away . I was fearful too - terrified . I was scared of leaving the house .The future currently is a big blank but slowly bit by bit it will improve. You will come out a stronger person for this. Don't be embarrassed about going to the GP and telling him that they are not doing it for you right now . Hopefully you have a sympathetic GP . Best of luck !

@dancemusicsexromance I absolutely know that awful feeling. I went weeks on very little sleep and no food and felt like a zombie. Somehow I kept going and you will to. I got sleeping tablets knock me out in the end as my brain just could not switch off!! Doctor sent a prescription straight to the chemist, apparently you don't need a prescription for them and can be bought over the counter so go in and ask! Rest is important, food little and often, I know it's hard but even if you just nibble a biscuit. Keep strong woman xx

If I had not lurked on mumsnet for years I would not have had the courage to even go this far.
I've seen how strong people become when they have to and I've cried when I have seen an update and they are through the other side!
I've sworn to myself that will be me.
I can't eat, just sip water I'm not at work until Tuesday then only in 3 days then have my holiday (I'm staying at home now)
Him going AWOL is revolting me now. How weak?
My friend said to me last night you excused him and supported him for 25 years he's kicked you again and again - when you are over this even thinking about him will make you feel dirty. I hope she's right.

His belongings are going in his car and when he tries to get in touch I will hide outside the key for him and go out when he collect it.

I can't see him again. I can manage emails regarding the house etc but I can't look at his face which no doubt will have a drawn, mentally exhausted look (for sympathy)
I've put make up on just in case he knocks the door or even if he emails I feel more in control - He will never know if I'm feeling happy or sad, bereft or indifferent. That will be giving him the power.

@dancemusicsexromance

You don't have to see him if you don't want to.

When I split with my cheating ex, I blocked him from my life totally and his father acted as intermediary. I wanted nothing to do with him again. 10 months on, I haven't seen him since I gave him a withering look as if he was a piece of shit (which he is). You owe him NOTHING, he does not deserve your presence at all. Your kids are old enough for him to contact them directly, if they want to see him.

You will get through this . In my case when I found out for sure, it actually empowered me to know I was right in my suspicions and weirdly gave me my confidence back! Yes, I hurt with the betrayal and I still have flashbacks about things he said/did when he had been lying, but in all honesty I realised I was worth a lot more and he was (like your ex) a weak and twatty coward.

I ruminated on the fact that I wasted nearly 10 years of life with this arsehole, but now I feel that going forward it has strengthened me. Once I got all the practical arrangements sorted, moved house etc, I felt like it was a new chapter of my life and I can do anything I bloody want to do. Had the OW not come along, I'd still be in a shitty relationship with a selfish waster and trying to paper the cracks. Thankfully I'm out of that and she has him to contend with now . He's a great catch (not).

One day at a time, you will get there xx

Wow OP I'm sure it doesn't feel like it but you ROCK!

Your mum and sister are wrong. Do not take the fucker back.

Your very smart daughter is right--you've been focusing on others, particularly the dick you married. Time to focus on yourself.

No one has stolen your future, OP. You've been giving it back---once you are back at full strength, you can start building your own. Not his.

*been given it back

But his running away is almost controlling isn't it?
It's expecting me and kids to worry!
We are a little but I'm just telling them that this is usual and he does this to gain sympathy.
I'm going to sort my sons car out - and I've loaded my car for the tip and my ex's car with his stuff!.

My son has just said to me "mum I had a nightmare and was trying everything in my dream to make it not happen"
He said he dreamed he woke up and came in my room like normal and his dad was there. He said he felt sick and he was begging me not to take him back.

Speaks volumes doesn't it?

He said just us 3 are each others bricks aren't we?

His running away is weak and pathetic. Don't indulge it. Don't try to look for him or call the police, etc. But, yes, likely a form of manipulation and, definitely, self-obsession and selfishness on his part.
Just do as you are--pack up his shit and get on with your lives.

If you can afford it, go on holiday. Distract yourself and show the fucker that are moving on with your lives.

I will get through this, even being out for an hour I've had about 10 times where I thought I was going to collapse with the realisation of it but I breathed and I survived.
My son treated me to coffee, we are at the dealership now and then we are going to the tip.
Small everyday things but better than staying in bed.

I'm so sorry your going through this just wanted to give a ((( ))) hug. Give time, time I know it is a cliche but it's true. Be kind to yourself. BTW your daughter and son sound amazing xx

Did what i set out to do today.
My daughter is very anxious today and she's blaming work. I know the real reason.
At the garage the man called my son his first name and surname and my son said please don't call me that.
Both of them need me to be strong today - which I will be.
My son is playing football at 7.30 and he gets a lift back so just need to muddle through until then.
When I went for coffee my son had a breakfast and didn't really eat it so I pinched his sausage for my old dog so he's happy.
Day 7 of this hell. 358 days to go until I get to my one years independence where I swore he would never hurt me or my kids again.

@dancemusicsexromance you are doing so well. Keep posting xx

He said they started talking in 2014 stopped for 4 years and started again when his depression returned.

My son asked me today why I hadn't said anything bad about either of them.
I honestly don't know, maybe I do feel grateful to know and maybe because I think I've seen her. There was a woman he searched for about 6 x in a month on Facebook I asked him who she was and he said he had never searched it must be a blip! It was her wasn't it? She looked very ordinary, harmless and nothing scary It doesn't matter if she is a super model either if he has feelings for her he has feelings for her. I'm not remotely jealous it doesn't interest me. Maybe I was glad it had came out, my son did say this is hell for all of us but that's better than living a lie. How mature is that?
So I don't know why I'm so distraught. His lies, his abuse, the realisation of what he's done to me, the fact if I asked him he would lie until he was blue in the face.
My dress has arrived for my cocktails on my one year mark! I'm not putting a year to totally recover but in a year my housing will be sorted, my job may have to be changed - I will be on the right path

Well he sounds a right catch OP. I feel enormously for you but I do I think he might have done you an enormous favour although I know it won’t feel remotely like that. You sound a very lovely selfless person , put yourself first for once , you can do way way better, live a bit! Let him get on with it.

My kids had a horrible argument this morning, my son was due to be working but he felt ill, his back hurt, he made me a coffee and spilt some, my daughter went mad at him they were pushing each other, so my daughter left for work without him. Since then she's been sending me text saying how much she hates her brother and her job.
My sons been quiet but he's cried a few times.
He said he wishes he could rewind time to when his dad admitted his affair and my son wishes he had punched him.
I know these feelings are normal and my daughter is deflecting her anger but it's upset me so much.

It's like my brain won't let me think straight.
I read on a previous heartbreaking post that some advice for when thoughts of ex's betrayal intrude to just say IT DOES NOT MATTER so I've been saying that on repeat.

He's been awol over 8 days - it's making me so anxious.
It is feasible isn't it? That he just gives up his life, get a new job and never come back? If this is even remotely possible he would do that. His depression is awful and he would jack his job in and he can't confront anything.

This is like the final kick in he's doing to me. He knows I'm going to be worried.
Not about him as he's too weak to do anything but I'm scared all the time and keep checking my doors are locked etc.
I feel this is abusive.

What's hurt me more is he left his phone, actually it was my sons phone he bought out of his own money so I told him to wipe it and sell it. He told me my family have been texting him worried about him.

I have a week before my week off and that's when I'm starting to be practical but the trouble is I don't have a clue where to start.

I'm still crying all the time at the drop of a hat. Walked round the supermarket and saw a cake he bought for us the day he left and I could not stop the tears.
Not for loving him but the realisation that I've been living a lie.

Spoke to my mum this morning and she can't comprehend what he's done.
She said well, he wasn't as bad as your dad (my dad was pretty bad he walked out and didn't pay a penny) but no violence, abuse or affairs.
This is the front my ex put on. People can't compute that he was so abusive.

I met him when I was 15 and we were friends. He came round my house when he was 18 and he said he was having an affair with his sister in law. That was my red flag then wasn't it? He has a very skewed moral compass?

A few years later when he had blacked both my eyes I threatened to tell his brother about the affair so he stabbed himself. He said it was over the guilt of his actions but it wasn't was it? He was changing things so the focus was on his guilt of the affair not his violence.
This has been his pattern for 25 years. He's done many things like this. He hurts me then creates an issue so that's at the forefront.
He couldn't even confront me and tell me he had a parking ticket a few years ago, he hid it and it escalated to be quite expensive.

I feel like my body has been on high alert for nearly 30 years. I'm shaking all the time and then I get almost excited fleetingly for a time when him, his abuse or his actions don't occupy my head.

I need some help, help to understand how I could have such strong views about lies, violence, honesty in a relationship yet I ignored what was happening to me repeatedly.

People in real life think I'm so strong.

What the fuck have I done to myself and my kids by trying to help him? Can we recover?

You'll recover in part, and the years with him and the bad treatment won't matter as much. Eventually you might learn to 'live in the moment', enjoying what you have instead of focusing on the bad things. Your life will be better. It can't help but be, if you are without him.

When we are victims of violence and mistreatment, we hardly believe it is happening. We tell ourselves we are to blame. We minimise. We make excuses for our abuser. Afterwards, things look different.

Don't blame yourself. A person can only start from where they are.

I drove the the location I had found in my ex's phone last night.
Don't really know what I wanted to gain.
He was there at her house, his car tucked nicely on the drive. My daughter knocked the door and he answered looking very much at home.

I spoke to him away from my daughter and calmly.

He said he doesn't want any of us, the kids, the house, or our plans.

He said he can't see beyond the next hour. But he can managed to plan the next few days/weeks staying at his emotional crutches house???

I asked him please, whilst he is trying to get better to please just focus on himself and to stop clinging on to this married woman. "She listens to me" was all he could answer.
I said this whole situation is freaking your kids out seeing you living at another woman's with her and her husband. When 2 weeks ago we were trying on holiday clothes laughing.
He said I don't care "she listens to me"

When he left he left his phone here and his sister has loaned him one. The first thing he did was contact her. Not his kids.

I'm stunned. I did have the best nights sleep in 2 weeks last night for some reason.

The man I spoke to last night was a stranger to me.

I asked him to help (even from a distance) to sell the house and let us move on and he screamed at me that I was trying to take his kids away from him.
No, they are nearly adults he has done that all by himself.

How could he throw away his family and not even look back?
He walked back into their house whilst opening the door to her husband who had just arrived home from work:

I feel I'm living in some sick film and I can't fast forward to the happy ending.

If you’re on social media I really recommend joining the “runaway husbands” page - there’s thousands of us on there who have all gone through very similar.

You can and will get through this, you sound like a strong women who knows the actions she needs to take, he on the other hand is a coward who will forever run.

The very first thing you have to accept is that he is a liar, he is broken, and you cannot believe ANY words coming out of his mouth. He is self-serving and anything he says is only to satisfy his own ego. You will find no truth or explanation from him that is reality. These men cannot face the reality of what they have done so they will justify their actions with lies and rewriting history. They will blame us for what we “lacked” as to why they leave. Don’t believe any of it, the truth is in their actions, never their words.

You also have to believe that this other woman is NOT making him truly happy. There is not a human being in the world who can “make” another person happy. Happiness comes from contentment within them. These men lack that. They are severely damaged and trying to fill a void that no person can do. Their behavior has nothing to do with you or your worth. It’s that simple. They seek others to validate the frailty within them. No one person will ever be enough, and these men will never truly be happy. The hole they are trying to fill will remain and they will repeat these actions over and over again. I promise you.

The best thing you have done for yourself is to cut off all contact, do not allow him to weave his poison into your headspace any longer.

You can and will get through this, I thought the world had fallen out of my arse when my husband left out of the blue 14 months which but honestly I am now happier than I’ve ever been. X

So, I'm still hanging in here by the skin of my teeth.

No contact.
I've done a lot of thinking.
My dad left my mum multiple times when I was a child. He didn't just leave my mum he left me and my sister, I found him all over the country time and time again when I was an adult.
I went to extraordinary measures.

I've repeated the cycle.

My life has been the people I love

1. Doing me wrong
2. Me laying myself down for them to walk over
3. They would claim mental health issues
4. I would flip into care mode
5. They would withdraw
6. I would chase whilst feeling worthless for their love
7. I would get the "prize" but it was only temp.
8. which would confirm I was worthless

It's a cycle I'm stopping now.
The pain I am going through currently is actually a calm pain, it's a knot in my stomach and a fear of the future but it's not anxiety or fear and distrust.
It may continue for some time but it's like labour pains, I know there will be an end. With my previous life there was no end. It was torture.

My husbands issues are not mine, his void can not be filled by anyone. It's his void. Whereas mine will slowly be filled with my strength and my family's.

16 days on and I'm proud of myself, I have been to work, my ex has gone low - I have gone high. I haven't said a bad word about him, I have sorted my house and I've meditated A LOT.

I was desperate to tell the next door neighbour last night when he came to pick up a parcel and bad mouth my ex - I didn't I had had one cider, a long day at work and was tired so I didn't want to "go low"

I know the financial side will need to be sorted and I may need some help then but atm I'm putting one step in front of the other end it's working.

Honestly...this will be the MAKING of you! Amazing, you’re amazing. He’s going to come slithering back shortly, be strong. Please. For you and your children.

OP you've found yourself.
Look forward not back.
Best wishes

@dancemusic..... how awful for you. But it does sound like your relationship was abusive. I hope you are starting to see the light.

The set up with the OW sounds beyond weird - an open relationship where another person actually moves in with the couple??? It’s a bit jeremy Kyle and no wonder your kids are embarrassed and “hate” him. I just cannot imagine that ending well and have no doubts whatsoever that it’s all gonna come tumbling down for him soon. KOKO.

I know it's very early days but I'm still in the shock, this can't be happening stage.

I'm not crying so much but I am missing my old life. The pain is physical and the future looks frightening.

In fact it's probably worse than when it first happened. It's started to be a new normal, him not being here, my sleeping only 2 or 3 hours, lack of interest in anything.

It's the fact he has refused to allow us to contact him.

So I am on egg shells all day, every day because he could knock the door.

His sister gave him a phone when he left, to contact the OW not his kids.
This doesn't compute -
We were supposed to be away this week. My packed suitcase is still in my bedroom.

How does the brain go from this destitute feeling to eventually feeling happy again?