I can’t get over this and I’m going mad

[Maybe2020]

Might be a long one but I really need advice.
Been with dp 10 years, never had any problems except the odd argument here and there but nothing major.
We have struggled to have children and i am deeply depressed because of it but now getting help and we are looking to have ivf.
So about a year ago my dp brother got married quite quickly to a new woman he had been seeing for a few months, we met her and she seemed ok until she made a dig at me in front of everyone. I immediately didn’t like her and felt “off” about her. On a few occasions I noticed I couldn’t find my oh (for example at a wedding, at a pub) and when I did find him he would be around her and his brother, didn’t think anything of it but it’s like my brain picked up on it subconsciously. Then we went out to a pub one night and he and now sil were chucking straws at each other and messing around, I found it flirty and have noticed little things like that ever since they met. I’ve also noticed them looking st each other for long periods especially her she seems to gaze into my oh eyes a lot. We went out another time and both of them were at the bar for about 20 minutes just chatting while I was sat down and my bil was outside having a smoke.
I had a feeling he fancied her so called him out on it one night and he said he didn’t and even if he wasn’t with me he wouldn’t because of his brother.
We’ve had several rows over this, and I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not the fact he finds her attractive it’s he fact I feel disrespected when he’s acting on it and flirting and paying all attention on her. Think I’m more jealous because she is clearly beautiful and I feel I can’t compare. I probably sound like a envious little teenager 🙄
It’s actually made me feel different about my whole relationship with dp and sadly it’s deeply hurt me.
My confidence is at an all time low and I just feel shit. How can I get this out of my head? Am I being stupid?
He’s since stopped being flirty ( even though in his eyes it wasn’t) and started paying more attention to me, but it feels like he’s only doing that because I had to have a word.
I also can’t bare to be around her anymore because of all this. What should I do?

Loads of red flags there. Keep her well away from you and your family. A similar woman sacked my husband into thinking g she was his "best friend" but was poisoning him against me the whole time. She wasn't beautiful but eventually persuaded him I was no good for him and he left. She was vile to me too. Then she made her move. He didn't fancy her so it didn't go anywhere but it destroyed our marriage as I couldn't trust him anymore. It sound as if your husband is infatuated. You need to cut this friendship dead and give ultimatums.

I can’t givr ultimatums as he has to see and talk to his brother and id never stop that, but he has stopped being around her so much. He said he was just getting to know her as she is with his brother and that was it but to me it felt like more than that.
He has seriously always denied it but I odviously now he wouldn’t be honest about it.
I can’t bare to be around her as I feel like I compare myself. I hate my own husband has made me feel like this over someone who was a complete stranger and shouldn’t have this much significance in my life.

Keep her well away from you and your family

That's her sister in law! And this issue is nothing like yours.

Op, it's hard for us to tell if you're just jealous when he messes around with her because you're jealous of her and don't like her, or if he was indeed flirting.

Often when we are jealous and insecure we see something that isn't there, more friendship from their perspective but from yours it's translated as something else.

The bottom line is do you trust him?

I hate my own husband has made me feel like this over someone who was a complete stranger and shouldn’t have this much significance in my life

Are you sure he's made you feel like this? And that's it's not your own jealousy and insecurity that's done it? I mean that gently, but are you sure? It's very easy to blame him. Much easier than taking personal responsibility for our own issues and resolving them.

@Bluntness100 I did trust him until I saw the way he was with her. I feel like if he got the chance with her he would but then again at other times I feel like I’m being irrational as he is so good to me other than that. I feel disrespected and can’t get it out of my head and I feel pathetic because of it. He has never cheated and I’ve never had any suspicion.
I don’t even mind that he found her attractive it’s the acting on it she also seems to rub it in my face thst he’s paid her so much attention. As she has made another dig before when we went on a night out with just us girls and ever since I’ve refused to go out or even be around her again. Unless it’s in family gatherings.

Ok, thinking he would shag his brothers wife if he could is fairly major. That's Jeremy Kyle territory. Are you sure he's that kind of scum? Because if he is uou need to get out of this relationship.

If your feelings are valid, then his brother will also have significant issues with him, have you detected this?

What sort of digs is she making? Can she tell you don't like her? And don't accept her? Have you also made digs at her? It's hard not to when you're jealous and dislike someone.

The spending lots of time together, staring at each other wtf! and messing about with straws and stuff well yes to me that does sound like flirting. And I don't see how people can be blaming you and your insecurities for that!

You are right, he is not going to own up to fancying her. And I really feel for you - it is a very tricky situation especially as it sounds like your relationship before this was good.

What are these digs that she has made about you?

SiL has you right where she wants you OP, the new woman on the scene getting all the attention. She clearly wants you to feel low and pushed aside.
Join them at the bar, smile, chat be nonchalant. Flirt with you DH and show her how rock solid you two really are. She’ll soon back off.
If you carry on down the path you’re on, eventually, the problem (that might not even be there concerning your DH anyway) may manifest into a problem that SiL will be responsible for. Try and move past this. Pretend she’s invisible and be your fabulous, confident self around her.

On mumsnet they are always cheats, the woman is always at fault.

I'm just asking you to think about this carefully op, because people on here are going to take you to ending your relationship over this, they will make it so major, so much a relationship ender.

Does his brother seem the same thing? Because if he does then he will have as big a problem with your partner as you do, and he's present when it happens. If he does not, then ask yourself why not.

If she was paying your DH so much attention in the beginning he probably did get a bit puppy eyed about her but your drawing attention to it has made him realise how it could look to outsiders. So it seems as if he has reigned in his flirtatious behaviour with SIL since you had a word with him. In which case you have to let it go for now but obviously keep an eye on things.

Your SIL is a whole other story though. Making digs at you and staring into your DH's eyes is out of order. I would have to call her on it the next time she makes a dig. "What do you mean by that?" Or "have you got a problem with me?" Don't just let it go - say something as soon as it happens in front of others if necessary - I guarantee she won't do it again.

And what if she calls her on it. The flirting and puppy dog eye and the brother in law calls the op out back? Says he witnessed no such thing and it's jealousy that's the issue?

Sounds like she is trying to stake claim to the alpha female position tbh. If my DH was standing flirting at the bar with another woman while I sat alone I would make a point of going over and joining in the conversation. I’d also have thrown a straw at her myself.

You need to be more assertive here. I doubt she’s interested in sleeping with your DH, she just wants to feel like the most attractive and ‘best’ woman so is seeking an ego boost. Don’t let her get away with it. I’d stop spending so much time with her if possible too.

Chamomileteaplease Tue 06-Aug-19 09:13:42
The spending lots of time together, staring at each other wtf! and messing about with straws and stuff well yes to me that does sound like flirting. And I don't see how people can be blaming you and your insecurities for that!

This ^^ That kind of "giddy" flirting can't really be misinterpreted I don't think, particularly if someone isn't like that around other people. I'm trying to imagine if I started chucking straws playfully at my BIL across the table. In no universe would that be ok. My sister would wonder if I was on drugs.

I think as you've asked him to stop and he has that is something, but I'd be left feeling deeply uncomfortable that it happened at all. I wouldn't be holding out great long-term hopes for your BIL's marriage either. Given the timescale in which they got together and got hitched you'd expect them to be all over each other still. Not eyeing up other people in their company. YANBU though, you are not being stupid, and I would keep SIL v much at arms length from now on. I don't have a lot of time in general for women though who seem to prioritise the attentions of men over friendships/relationships with women (well, potential friendship with her new SIL in your case).

You need to untangle your feelings about this woman. As others have said, envy can be confusing and make you feel vulnerable and see things that aren't there.

Once you're sure where this feeling is stemming from, then to be honest it's down to trust. You either trust him or not. But if he's going to cheat there's not much you can do to stop it so just keep your eyes peeled. I think confronting him will just make things awkward and you'll be blamed whether you're right or otherwise.

This ^^ That kind of "giddy" flirting can't really be misinterpreted I don't think

Exactly. So logic says the brother will, have a major problem with it too as he was also present.

I’ve never been nasty to her that’s the thing I was always nice, I’m a friendly person anyway and can normally get on easily with anybody. The first dig was about where I lived. It was a snarky comment. But I chose to ignore it. The next time all the girls were talking about their husbands I can’t remember what the conversation was about but she turned around and said yes I now how you feel (my oh name) always looks out for me, then she glanced at me and said oops I meant (her oh name) and flicked her hair and turned around. I had to bite my tongue and knew she was doing it to piss me off. I find her very weird.
I don’t understand what I’ve actually done for her to be like this with me either.
I know it’s not about looks but before this I felt attractive and confident and have been told I am good looking, know I can’t look in the mirror without feeling inadequate and I feel so pathetic because of it.

@RedWoollyHat that’s what I thought too, I was looking forward to getting to know her and having a new sil and was expecting to make a good friendship as we are about the same age. Then on speaking to her realised she’s an immature manipulative cow.
I do think it’s the alpha female aswell. Don’t think she liked how close I was with my mil either.
My oh is to blame It’s not all her either he was the one flirting and giving her attention first it wasn’t her. I think she seemed to pick up on it,
The night st the bar I did react and that’s when it started with her lapping it up.
I stormed up to my dp ( while he was standing with her) and told me I was going home as I’m left sat here twiddling my thumbs ( I felt so stupid after it) she then came and followed me in the toilets and asked if I was ok. I told her yes and that I just didn’t like being sat alone. ( I blamed the wine) then it seemed to escalate from that night.

Bil doesn’t have a problem so much as I’m aware but he’s absolutely besotted with her and if she told him to jump off a cliff he probably would.

There is a type of woman that simply has to establish her position by flirting with other men and feeling superior in that.

You have pulled your DH up short, he was being sucked in. He probably does or will recognise that in time. It’s deeply unpleasant.

Stay well away from her, only engage on a very superficial basis if you have to and expect the same from your DH.

Focus on your IVF and see her for what she is. Insecure, shallow and needy.

I would kill her with kindness. Whenever you all have to be together be incredibly nice to her. Compliment her, strike up conversation etc. If she then ignored you on favour of your dh or makes snide comments to you she will look really bad.

She sounds like one of those 'femme fatale' types who wants all the men in the room to pay her all the attention and to make the women feel inadequate and insignificant.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, if your OH was ignoring her then you would be ok with that but he has been lapping up the attention like a little puppy dog. This would seriously piss anyone off.

Don't let her make you feel like she is more attractive/ better than you. I'm sure she's not.

Its good that you have told your husband you are on to him and he has toned it down. Just try to look really confident (even when you're not) when you are around her and don't let her jibes get to you.

Next time she makes a snide comment just give a little tinkly laugh and turn away. She can't have what is already yours.

Dsis finds your dh attractive? Of course why should she not? You find your dh attractive, which suggests he is an attractive man. I have seen lot of attractive men in my life time, but my dh don't need to worry about it as I don't act on them. Does your dh have other sister in laws? Is this his first one and is struggling with finding where the boundaries are? It can be awkward and hard at the beginnings with any relationship. The latest addition to the family, should get a warm welcome but what is to much? Does your dh have other sisters? Does he act over friendly with them?

Have you started ivf medication? I have read online that it can mess with your mood and make your insecurities seem bigger.

Yes he has 3 other sil and he is friendly with them but not to that extent. He was different with her and that’s why it stuck out to me.
No I haven’t started ivf yet.
I try to act confident and nice when she is around but I seem to get so anxious about it my speech shakes ( I have anxiety). I sound mental.
No one has ever gotten to me like this before and I just want it out of my head.
There’s also the fact she got pregnant very quickly and I also got very envious about it.
It’s just all one big mess, I love my husband but I sometimes wish I wasn’t living this life and I know how over dramatic that sounds especially with the issue I’ve asked advice on. I feel consumed by it and don’t know how to stop.

Bil doesn’t have a problem so much as I’m aware but he’s absolutely besotted with her and if she told him to jump off a cliff he probably would

But it's not just about her is it. Your issue is also you feel your husband is flirting with her. Although your posts are evolving into it's all about her.

Surely he's not besotted with your husband, and if he felt your husband was flirting with her he'd have an issue with it. The question is why is he not seeing it. He's right there too.