I can’t get over this and I’m going mad

[Maybe2020]

Might be a long one but I really need advice.
Been with dp 10 years, never had any problems except the odd argument here and there but nothing major.
We have struggled to have children and i am deeply depressed because of it but now getting help and we are looking to have ivf.
So about a year ago my dp brother got married quite quickly to a new woman he had been seeing for a few months, we met her and she seemed ok until she made a dig at me in front of everyone. I immediately didn’t like her and felt “off” about her. On a few occasions I noticed I couldn’t find my oh (for example at a wedding, at a pub) and when I did find him he would be around her and his brother, didn’t think anything of it but it’s like my brain picked up on it subconsciously. Then we went out to a pub one night and he and now sil were chucking straws at each other and messing around, I found it flirty and have noticed little things like that ever since they met. I’ve also noticed them looking st each other for long periods especially her she seems to gaze into my oh eyes a lot. We went out another time and both of them were at the bar for about 20 minutes just chatting while I was sat down and my bil was outside having a smoke.
I had a feeling he fancied her so called him out on it one night and he said he didn’t and even if he wasn’t with me he wouldn’t because of his brother.
We’ve had several rows over this, and I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not the fact he finds her attractive it’s he fact I feel disrespected when he’s acting on it and flirting and paying all attention on her. Think I’m more jealous because she is clearly beautiful and I feel I can’t compare. I probably sound like a envious little teenager 🙄
It’s actually made me feel different about my whole relationship with dp and sadly it’s deeply hurt me.
My confidence is at an all time low and I just feel shit. How can I get this out of my head? Am I being stupid?
He’s since stopped being flirty ( even though in his eyes it wasn’t) and started paying more attention to me, but it feels like he’s only doing that because I had to have a word.
I also can’t bare to be around her anymore because of all this. What should I do?

Does your husband know that she was effectively flirting with your Dad and pissed off his Mum. Surely that would put her in a different light to him?

She sounds really insecure to be honest, like she just gets off on men falling for her. All you can do is try to avoid her and keep away from her little games.

I wouldn't use this as another stick to beat yourself with. You've picked up on something and let's face it you're probably right. It doesn't mean your DH is actually interested in her though - and more to the point he has changed his behaviour since you mentioned it. It's a shame he couldn't acknowledge the behaviour in the first place and chose to let you feel you were going mad, but you can't have everything.

In your shoes I would forget about the upcoming IVF for a while (by which I mean try not to think about it, not don't do it) and really throw everything into having a nice time with DH for a few weeks. You're going to need each other. Have fun together. Your SIL sounds like an irritant but that's all she need be.

Are u sure he’s not just being friendly and you are just feeling a bit insecure and maybe reading to much in to it

She may sense you don’t like her and that’s why she is off with you.

I was in the same position as your sil. I married into a family where dh older brothers had married 2 sisters I am also 8 years younger than dh and as soon as we got married they made family life hell for no reason. My dc weren’t allowed to be close to their cousins pil knew what was going on but were threatened with not seeing the gc if they mention how they treated us. Both sil have sadly passed away and we all get on great now and the kids are young adults now and without being disrespectful to their mums are aware of how they were with me and how unfair they were towards me and I finally have a really strong relationship with them

So I would for now try and put your insecurities to one side and try and get to know her better.

Your situation sounded awful sorry you had to go through that, but I’ve never once been off with her or nasty. I was always nice and that’s why it took my by surprise when she was snarky with me for no reason.
I think she’s immature tbh.
Yes I am going to try and relax and forget thinking about the ivf for now. It’s hard to switch off from that too as it’s such a big part of our lives as I’ve wanted to be a mom for so long.
Me and my oh have a holiday booked for 2 weeks time and we are going to relax and have some time together.
I’m going to start working on myself now I just can’t help the thoughts from coming back in my mind. Does anyone know how to get over intrusive unwanted thoughts?

The more things you talk about her, the more insecure she sounds. I also don't think her marriage will last. Especially since you mentioned she used your dh name instead of her own one to complement, when people were talking about how good their dh was. I would have taken that as a complements that she wanted a marriage like mine. Imagine not being able to complement your own dh infront of his own family.

Anxiety is a form of mental illness.

Op, go see your gp, get some counselling, or go private if you can afford it. The fertility struggles are understandably a major trigger for you, and you've a lot more going on as you can't be near kids easily. This with the obsessional thoughts, the insecurity, the jealousy, the comparisons, and basically self loathing, is something that can likely be fixed, but not on its own.

I think for your own benefit, but also for that of your husband, you need to see a doctor and try to work your way through your struggles. There is no need for you to feel like this. It may be depression, general anxiety, we can't diagnose, but a medical professional can

There is no shame in mental illness. It comes in all forms. From mild to extreme. And everything in between,

Bottom line is you're not happy, and that unhappiness is not about your husband or sister in law. And that's what needs to be addressed.

I'd also forget about the IVF and really revaluate your relationship with him. He did know what was going on and he chose to pay her attention and flirt with her. I wouldn't be happy personally because it shouldn't have happened in the first place.

I don't think it is in your head OP. The little dig you spelled out is obvious enough and the FIL texting. She is used to getting men to dance to her tune. And you are self-aware enough to admit the ivf thing has made you feel bitter and jealous in some aspects. But I don't think the scenario is quite how you are seeing it. He has reassured you in his actions and he may have been responding to her flirtation, many men would if she is used to getting men on her side; it really does not mean he is interested. Know that women like her do this from a place of insecurity. She is probably jealous of you and you feeling down about infertility and not in a great place, probably can't believe someone would be from your own perspective. As @Pinkout said, she is trying to position herself in the pack (the family) and using the men to do it. That just does not work in the long run, big mistake. Steer clear as much as you can, your MIL is already wise to it and don't bother reacting, men wise up to this shit too, though it takes them longer.

OP I am a firm believer in gut instinct but it sounds as if you have detected one of these flirty women who like to hog the show. Men are often pretty stupid when it comes to women and them flirting with them - they often don't actually see it !! You partner seems to have taken it onboard though so just relax. I agree with you speaking to your GP about this and your anxiety . Of course you are anxious - you are just about to start a life changing process so your feelings are all over the place . Enjoy your holiday and use it as a time to bond closer with your partner.

What this sounds like to me is, as others have suggested, that she is one of those unpleasant women who like to give themselves an ego boost by attempting to grab the position of 'alpha female' (why would anybody need to even do that, it's pathetic) and by convincing themselves that they could have anybody else's partner if they wanted them - even if they don't actually want them. She essentially sounds like a horrible cow and is probably what I would describe as a 'man's woman not a woman's woman' if that makes any sense. Your DH has, imo, been an idiot and got caught up in the moment of enjoying having his ego flattered, he has been a fool, however hopefully you have brought him back to reality and he now realises what a dickhead he is actually being - though I absolutely agree you shouldn't need to even point that out to him, it should be obvious.

I think if I was in your situation what I would do is have a serious talk with my DH, explain that his behaviour has caused actual damage to your relationship and your own feelings of self esteem and to go very low contact with her - not with his brother obviously, they can still see each other as often as the want. When there are family events at which you cannot avoid her I would be telling your DH that he needs to step back from that woman, be polite but that's it, and remember where his loyalties lie. And then I would Alpha-female the fuck out of her - you are a good looking woman, you have said so, he married you not her, you were already a part of his family for 10 years prior to her rocking up so you need to own all of that and right in her smug bloody face. Let her be the one that goes home at the end of the night feeling shit. Stand up for yourself and put her in her place, don't let her think for one second that she is 'better' than you - she isn't. Have confidence in yourself, you sound lovely, find your inner tiger and set it free!

If your MIL has confided in you about the new SIL's inappropriate level of contact between her & FIL (and it is inappropriate) I think it's likely she's spoken to your DH about it as well. He was possibly on the verge of being sucked in to her nasty games but has had his eyes opened & put a big distance between himself & her because you are the woman he loves & wants to be with. it's your feelings that matter to him.
No-one accidentally calls their new DH by another woman's DH's name, she's a cow & a shit stirrer of the first order but you & MIL are on the same page & can support each other.
The scales will fall from BIL's eyes soon if they haven't started to already. Unfortunately all too many of us have had women like these crop up in our lives, they're toxic & best avoided. You're DH has made a choice & clearly shown how much you mean to him so let that give you the boost you need.

OP I think it would be useful to look into CBT for the unwanted thoughts. I would take a step back from the situation - your OH has done what you asked in that he has stopped flirting etc. You will be surprised how much your mental health will be subverting your thinking - once it is readjusted you might step back and think ‘what was I worrying about’. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. A break away with your OH sounds like a great start but you will need to see your GP and get help for your depression. It’s a hole which is almost impossible to get out of alone. Good luck to you.

IVF veteran here. Don’t beat yourself up. I thought that I was going mad with all the ttc and ivf.

The good news is that I have 2 amazing DC after a lot of ivf so it really can work. Please relax if you can. I know it is so hard.

As for the SIL, she’s clearly insecure and unkind. Kill her with kindness and she will be the one who looks like a mad woman.

Other people’s babies are a hard one. I tried to take the approach that I would be public ally delighted for people but I cried a lot at home.

Strangely enough, the ivf worked for my eldest at what was my last attempt. I think I had given up by then and so was less anxious. It was DH who insisted we tried once more when we were beyond broke. It worked and (I know it is anecdotal) but I think stress makes it so much worse. Please try and find something that helps you deal with it.

Good luck and you are not alone!!!!

This woman's sense of status and self-esteem comes from seeing herself as a femme fatale who has men dancing to her tune, she sees this as her territory and she's trying to make sure you can't have any of it
Don't engage with her, don't react to anything she does, she is enjoying putting you down because it makes her feel more powerful.

The post from bluebell34567 is pretty spot on imo. OP it's not you, these sorts of situations come as a surprise and are not easy to cope with but you will work your way through it. It's understandably going round in your head, distractions can help, a little something you enjoy, Maybe a mantra to say to yourself that you are strong and will get through this...and you are and will.

You mentioned that your whole family is full of beautiful people, but I'm guessing you don't think of yourself as one of them due to a lack of confidence and anxiety.

Do you not think maybe she doesn't like you because she thinks you're prettier than her, and that's why she tries to undermine you? She's not exactly clever anyway is she, with how she's going about it. I think she's jealous and insecure about you.

I did have a big talk to my dh about all of this a few months back.
I had had a drink and it all came out after he came home from work. Wasn’t the best move to make.
I told him how much damage it did and was very harsh. I told him it deeply hurt me and made me see him differently. He said “it wasn’t like that” a few times. Told me he doesn’t find her attractive but he was just being friendly and said she’s ok to chat to. I told him how could he even think she’s ok to talk to after the comments she’s made about me and that if it was the other way around I would just be civilised but wouldn’t go out of my way to get to know them and have a giggle with them if someone had spoke to my dh the way she had to me.
He said sorry a lot and said he didn’t realise and that he was just being nice.
He got upset about it tbh and I could see it in his face he was taken aback by how much it had hurt me.
We’ve since moved on (so he thinks) and we don’t talk about it anymore we drew a line under it then.
I felt better for about a week after that talk with dh and then it came back again in my head.
Even when he goes to his families house and she’s there I can’t bare thinking about it.
I’m going to book an appointment with the gp, I’ve also had Cbt before. I will have to try it again.

This woman's sense of status and self-esteem comes from seeing herself as a femme fatale who has men dancing to her tune, she sees this as her territory and she's trying to make sure you can't have any of it

This is proper batshit. You've never met this woman, you've no idea how she sees herself, it could easily be she is simply trying to integrate herself into thr family. She might not have liked the fathers texts but found it impossible not to respond in case of causing offence. You've no idea.

The only thing any of us can comment on is on thr ops feelings, because that we do know. She is clearly mentally struggling. And with that she needs support to seek help to resolve, not some batshit theory on her sister in laws motivations.

@Blueoasis you mentioning that made me remember the night out with the girls, she was there and one of my other sils friend ( who is never met) came upto me in front of all of them and told me she thought I was stunning, she looked at my other sil and said “I don’t Day this time to anyone either”. I thanked her and went a bit red in the face, horrible sil just looked the other way.
I even questioned the friend for months after thinking she probably only said that out of pity!.

I'm sure she didn't say it out of pity. Folks don't tend to do that.

So clearly a self esteem issue. I think the gp is a good idea. You deserve credit for being so honest about your feelings on here.

There seems to be many issues going on that are all mixed up, so worthwhile getting some help to unpick as said. You don't need to feel,like this, and you deserve to understand what's real and what's not, and what's an appropriate reaction.

There you go, she's jealous because you're prettier than her. Simples. Just ignore her, she's childish.

Your other SIL's friend certainly didn't compliment you out of pity - you probably are stunning, from a family of stunners, but just can't see that in yourself. It sounds like she's also picked up on what the vile SIL was doing & was showing you support.
Your other SIL probably has her own story to tell about how she was behaving towards her DH. I'd say you women in the family have all sussed her & would benefit from opening up to each other, if only to confirm that you're not going mad or being unreasonable.

Take care OP you have a lot on your plate. I didn’t even get as far as the IVF route and know how difficult I found it we were on the list and I was struggling and taking things to heart and blowing things out of all proportion.
This can really get to you and erode your self esteem and all sense of perspective.

Having said that I would try not to cut yourself out of family events however hard they are.
At one stage my sis had a new baby which was forever being plonked on me and an expectation that I would give up Uni as a mature student within days of having a miscarriage to help my mother look after my niece while sister in law went back to work, most people I knew had babies and children and my best friend had had her third baby.
However, I eventually fell pregnant naturally at the age of 38 and then again at 39 and all my bitterness ebbed away.

OP you're overthinking this. Your DP was reacting to what he thought was her being friendly (in her own way). You've spoken to him and he's realised what's going on and backed off. Don't start attributing motives to him that he - from what you've described - doesn't have. He hasn't stopped the behaviour in a sulk and just because you've said something. So please let it go and enjoy your holiday the two of you. Don't let the thoughts you've built up spoil it.

As far as your SiL is concerned, you've now found out what she's like. The worst thing you can do is react to her - she'll love it, knowing that she's got under your skin. Be coolly polite, but don't try to be friends with her, however much you want to be nice. She doesn't.

And then separate out how you feel about her pregnancy and your IVF. Wanting a baby when you're struggling to have one rips you apart. You can't make her unpregnant so you have to deal with it unfortunately. It's something that again she'll almost certainly try to rub your nose in. Agree with DP that your time with her will be very limited and superficial and that he'll step in if/when she says anything.

And above all believe that the IVF will work and that one day you'll be a mum. Women who've decided that it's not going to happen for them through sex, and have let the anxiety go, quite often discover they get pregnant when they've relaxed. I don't know if the same principle applies to IVF that it's more likely to be successful if you're relaxed, but it's got to be worth a try.

Feel like your replies have made me think about putting things into perspective and that my mental health has distorted the reality of the situation a bit.
I’m going to definatly concentrate on me and my oh. Think I’m going to have a break from social media for a while too as I think it doesn’t help the problem.
My mil kisses her arse now as she has her grandchild. Which is fair enough think she just keeps her on side for her to see her grandchild but that’s it. I’ll leave them to it.
I need to realise I can’t change the past
Just hope I can somehow get the thoughts out of my head. I’ll try to think of something positive if I feel it creeping in.
Need to now focus on loosing a few pounds for this holiday lol
Thankyou so much for all of your replies, it is actually a breath of fresh air not to get scorned on here as that’s what I thought was going to happen and was expecting to be told to grow up!.
Wonderful ladies the lot of you, Thankyou x