I can’t get over this and I’m going mad

[Maybe2020]

Might be a long one but I really need advice.
Been with dp 10 years, never had any problems except the odd argument here and there but nothing major.
We have struggled to have children and i am deeply depressed because of it but now getting help and we are looking to have ivf.
So about a year ago my dp brother got married quite quickly to a new woman he had been seeing for a few months, we met her and she seemed ok until she made a dig at me in front of everyone. I immediately didn’t like her and felt “off” about her. On a few occasions I noticed I couldn’t find my oh (for example at a wedding, at a pub) and when I did find him he would be around her and his brother, didn’t think anything of it but it’s like my brain picked up on it subconsciously. Then we went out to a pub one night and he and now sil were chucking straws at each other and messing around, I found it flirty and have noticed little things like that ever since they met. I’ve also noticed them looking st each other for long periods especially her she seems to gaze into my oh eyes a lot. We went out another time and both of them were at the bar for about 20 minutes just chatting while I was sat down and my bil was outside having a smoke.
I had a feeling he fancied her so called him out on it one night and he said he didn’t and even if he wasn’t with me he wouldn’t because of his brother.
We’ve had several rows over this, and I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not the fact he finds her attractive it’s he fact I feel disrespected when he’s acting on it and flirting and paying all attention on her. Think I’m more jealous because she is clearly beautiful and I feel I can’t compare. I probably sound like a envious little teenager 🙄
It’s actually made me feel different about my whole relationship with dp and sadly it’s deeply hurt me.
My confidence is at an all time low and I just feel shit. How can I get this out of my head? Am I being stupid?
He’s since stopped being flirty ( even though in his eyes it wasn’t) and started paying more attention to me, but it feels like he’s only doing that because I had to have a word.
I also can’t bare to be around her anymore because of all this. What should I do?

I'd be pretty pissed off and really insulted if I was accused of fancying my brother in law. It could just be that because they both know that there would never be anything going on, they are safe to be really friendly with each other. The fact that your brother in law isn't bother says to me that you may be imagining it.

You say your husband is wonderful etc so don't let this taint your relationship.

You can put everything down to being oversensitive except - as poster above observed - the straws thing.

Being a bit silly and playful is not normal interaction with unrelated family members. It is flirtation good and proper.

I'm sure, OP, your dh's head was turned with some flattery and eye gazing etc. He wouldn't be the first dh/dw to feel several inches taller because of some attention.

This sil doesn't sound very nice, that's for sure. Some people have a "flirty" personallity, but it sounds as if she has been a bit mean and condescending to you, too.

I think you're jealous of her good looks and that she got pregnant easily.

I think an important point has been missed here. He’s flirting with a women that is married to his brother, it’s disrespectful to his partner (I’m guessing you’re not married op?) and his brother
If he’s capable of such behaviour in front of you, what is he capable of with someone else?

Ignore the women, it’s your partners behaviour in general that is the concern, not your sil.
You’re not supposed to feel such lack of confidence in yourself after being with someone for so long.

I am jealous I do admit that. But I’ve met countless beautiful women my own sister for one is stunning and not just because she’s my sister she is stunning and was a model, I’ve never felt jealousy towards her. The majority of women in my family are model beautiful. My oh has spoke to most of my family and friends it has never bothered me because why should it?. He’s always going to see beautiful women. It was the acting on it that’s made me feel like shit.

Do they live very nearby? How often do you see them? I've got two SILs I adore and one that I'm not arsed about. I only see the not arsed one at family gatherings, where we don't really spend much time one to one.

You don't need to be great friends with her. Focus on your own life.

In all honestly it was seeing him like that with another woman. It’s kind of the way he was with me when we first met but he was odviously acting more on it with me as we were odviously both single people.
I don’t k ow it might all be in my head tbh. My brother in law had never been bothered by any of it.

I'd agree on the straws thing but context is everything. The big question is why does the brother not have a problem with the ops husband. If the sort of "giddy flirting", as a pp described it, was going on right in front of him, you'd have to assume any normal person would take issue with the ops husband. So why does the brother not have a problem. Why is he not seeing it? He'd at least limit contact and turn the relationship frosty if he saw it, even if he didn't wish to challenge it. He's not, he's not appearing to have any concern.

The ops posts have devolved into all about how much she hates this woman. Her jealousy screams out, she's openly admitting it, from how she looks, to how confident she is, to her having a child. The op compares herself and comes up lacking in her own head. The woman has also done nice things, like follow the op to the loos to see if she's ok. And she must know the op can't stand her.

So as much as there could be flirting, this could, and most likely may be the ops jealousy creating something that's not there, that everything is interpreted to be something she fears, because in her head she can't understand why her husband wouldn't prefer this other woman. Even though in reality that could be bullshit. Her husband could also trying to be friendly to offset the ops behaviour and stop a family split, as this is his brother and it's his wife she's taken significant and serious issue with.

No they live about half hour away and I haven’t seen sil since March. She’s asked us over for dinner but I’ve said we’re busy and bil asked my oh to see what we were doing last weekend, he didn’t reply. His brother comes down with his children though but she doesn’t bother coming.

Your sil sounds horrendous op but I think it’s more concerning that your partner falls for such behaviour.
Imagine if this was a random stranger on a night out with a lot of drinks involved, he would lap it right up and that’s concerning.

That's a shame op. Clearly the brother has no issue, he's coming down, they invite you to dinner, so the family is splitting. Your husband not responding is very rude, but clearly he's keen to support you. At the expense of his relationship with his brother.

I'd assume it's not she doesn't bother coming, it's more they both know how you feel so it's easier for you if she doesn't come.

It's all very sad. I'd go to counselling if I was you, to try to get clarity on this, unpick your feelings and to try to see the reality. If it's how you see it, or if it's really how your husband and brother see it.

I had a friend like that many years ago, had to be centre of attention with the men.

You could see which knobheads actually fell for it, all starry eyed even though she wasn't interested in them. Very embarrassing.

It was purely an ego boost for her.

If it was my DP I would just laugh at him and say he is totally acting the gobshite. He shouldn't be encouraging her.

Does it sound like I have a mental illness? As that’s what I’ve been worried about aswell as the obsessiveness is starting to feel overwhelming. I just can’t get it out of my head.

I agree with Bluntness in that you need to unpick your feelings. They seem to have got mixed up in a few things, including the fact she got pregnant very quickly. That must've been a blow to you.

If your DH was infatuated with her, it seems as though he's (hopefully) learned his lesson as he no longer flirts with her.

The fact your BIL didn't appear to have a problem with it, is quite telling though and perhaps points to you seeing it as a bigger thing than it really was.

However, there's also the possibility he's had words with her too.

It was a blow but hearing others are pregnant always seem to knock me for six for a few days.
I’ve been ttc for years and I think that also might have contributed to feeling so bad about myself. I just want to know how to forget and get this out of my head particularly her. I seem to think about her a lot. I think about how she looks and compare it to myself all the time.
I’m aware I sound mental.
I haven’t told anybody in my life about this it is hard enough actually writing it down on here.

No-one here can tell you whether you have a mental illness OP, so I wouldn't go down that route of asking on the internet.

If you're really worried, see your GP.

On the other hand, it could be down to your difficulty conceiving and hopefully if the IVF works, all this will be a distant memory.

It really is a shame that this seems to be coming between you all, especially your DH and his brother and therefore presumably meaning not seeing your niece/nephew as much as you might have.

I also got told by my mil that the same was happening between her and my fil! This was before all of this happened and we only had met her once for a brief ten minutes.
My mil told me they had been WhatsApp messaging, but my fil is like that as he messages me now and again so I told her not to worry, she told me they had been messaging from the moment he woke up till he went to bed which was disturbing, I told her it was strange and she put a stop it.
All very weird.

If you think you have a mental illness then you need to go and see your gp!

All sounds very normal to me, you sound insecure and naturally seeing your partner pay someone else more attention will cause the feelings you’re explaining.

I think your relationship is your main issue, your partner offers you zero confidence. That’s not good for anyone.

OP this new flirty confident SIL on the scene seems to have came at the worst time for you when you are feeling vulnerable and unconfident.
I remember not having much luck with conceiving and feeling angry at DH’s best friends wife who got married quite a while after us and bragged to anyone who would listen about how she got pregnant on her honeymoon etc. It really riled me, I wasn’t that keen on her to start with but this affected how I interpreted all of her behaviour. She wasn’t a flirt but had other less desirable manipulative traits.
I would try to kill her with kindness when you see her at a family event and try and look your best and act super confident regardless how you are feeling inside. She is jealous of you for one reason or another and trying to wind you up to prove an unnecessary point. Take care

i dont agree whatever bluntness said.
your sil is definitely not a nice person and i dont think her marriage will last long.
the brother doesnt bother as he thinks they are married an she is pregnant, so she wont go anywhere. also, men dont analyze much.
i dont think you have any mental problems, the opposite, you are very strong. believe in yourself.
the other sils will pick up on her, too.
dont torment yourself because of her, she doesnt worth it.
wish you well and hope your ivf goes well.

If she's like that with your FIL too, it sounds like she enjoys men dancing to her tune, so to speak.

I think you might be right Daddylonglegs.
I know the infertility has changed me, and not in a good way I’m extremely bitter and jealous of others who get pregnant easily.
I have the added stress of starting our first ivf soon too and if it doesn’t work I have to face Christmas and all of the family including her and her baby.
I don’t know how I’ll cope.
I’ve started avoiding family gatherings because I can’t cope right now with seeing all the children.
It’s just all different issues mixed into one and made my head a mess.

So what, you think that your Sil is flirting with both your husband and FIL?

You know what, I am more openly friendly with men who are my friends' husbands because there is nothing there. My friends never saw anything in it, but my ex used to accuse me or them of fancying each other. They didn't, they are besotted with their wives and I certainly didn't. Even if we had all been single I wasnt attracted to any of them. It was because there was no attraction that we could be friendly and natural together. If I'd been attracted I probably would hardly have spoken to them. Since splitting up with my ex, I still get invited round all the time to my friends' houses and events which I wouldn't be if my friends were worried about anything. Since been single I am not as friendly to my friends husbands because my ex isn't around and being single I don't want anyone to think anything untoward whereas when my ex was present I just was able to treat them as my friends.

I don't know if I'm explaining it very well, but if your besotted BIL is there and sees nothing then I would relax because I think you may be feeling insecure and vulnerable and seeing things that aren't there. Do you think so little of your husband that you really believe he's interested in his brother's wife?

@bluebell34567 Thankyou for your reply, to be told I’m strong is something I need to hear right now and I sound like an idiot but your reply has made me tear up.

I don't think you have a mental illness just anxiety and this situation is exacerbating it.
It just shows exactly what kind of woman she is watsapping her future FIL all day and night. She is obviously a strange one around men.
This should give you some comfort though because it shows she does't care which man she tries to reel in as long as she is getting the attention. FIL/BIL she's not bothered as long as they give her the attention she craves. She is to be pitied and I bet she isn't so bloody confident as she is appearing to be needing validation from any man she can get her claws into.
Remind ourself of this every time you get the wobbles thinking about her.
And perhaps speak to your GP about your anxiety, maybe they can help you out with that.